July 26, 2005

corporate integrity guidelines

No doubt that my workplace is plagued with dimwits. People with intelligence less than their own shits. I don’t know if they’re born like that or they’re just plain lazy to think, but they all have one thing in common – they make our lives difficult.

As if our constant grief with our ever stagnant wage is not enough, these people are here to ruin our shit to a deeper level… like rubbing salt into our ailing wounds. They’ll make ridiculous requests, they’ll create problems for you to rectify, hell… they’re everywhere just to make sure that you’re one bit closer to hell on earth.

I’ve noticed that most of these dopes are fresh graduates. Man, they’re supposed to be smart and stuffs, or at least “technically” ready for whatever challenges that await them in their brand new career. But unfortunately, no. Most freshies nowadays, they don’t seem to be able to think properly. I don’t fucking know if this is due to the chlorine in our water (read this somewhere)… or is it the cow’s milk they’ve been fed by their parents. Just… they tick you off up to a level where you’d feel like killing them.

So, what do I do ? I can’t do anything else but to help these people to grow a brain… give them a hint or two about how things work on this planet… Hence, I’ve prepared a crude list of “corporate integrity guidelines” here … hopefully would bind their wits altogether. They should come in handy no matter where you are or what you’re doing …

Plan your meetings. Want to look for someone for a discussion ? Well, call the fuck up to make an appointment in advance ! Not everyone’s as free as your fat ass ! You’ll need to let people know that you’re gonna cause them some inconveniences. Make them expect you. This is not a vice raid in some prostitution coop !

Help people to help you. When you’re escalating issues for help, always fucking remember to gather your facts/data prior doing that ! You can’t expect someone else to deign whatever fuck you want with just an email embellished with your ever-so-powerful-3-letter-word “FYI”. And no, your big tits won’t help either. Everyone’s a bitch inside the corporate email directory.

Use your brain. Think logically. You don’t bitch about the fingerprint scanner not working when you’re pressing the scanner with your fingertip. You don’t capture video clips of something that doesn’t move when you have a still camera. You don’t shit in your pants when all the toilet booth has been taken up. Just… use… your… brain.

Have some manners. Yeah fart face. That’s you and your damned ego. Nobody gives a shit if you’re used to command your Indonesian maid to give you a blowjob. You want something from me ? Ask nicely. Else, I’m gonna have to politely ask you to … FUCK OFF !! (‘politely’ because I’m not boorish like you, motherfucker)

Don’t misuse technology. Sometimes, speed of sound can be faster than the speed of light. Like, it can be much more faster to just haul your ass up your chair and fucking TALK… instead of sending emails asking someone who’s just a couple of desks away… and start blaming everyone when your mail isn’t read at expected time. And also, nobody’s interested to know if you’re thankful to your mongoloid boss after he has shagged your hairy ass … so quit copying your email to the whole world.

Summarize your craps. Nobody wants to read your bullshits in a 5 paged email. Like if I have the time to read something, do you reckon that I’m gonna frigging spend all my time reading your boring office stuffs ? Dream on. So, if you want anyone’s attention through email, it better be short and terse. Or you can eat shit and die.

Groom yourself. This is not related to your intelligence… but rather, something that might make me paint a false impression on you. Just… if there are hairs protruding from your nostril, REMEMBER TO FUCKING TRIM THEM !!! It’s disturbing to see it sticking out like that !!!!

The list is infinity… but these are the prime ones that could prevent you from hitting a boner on your first day/month/year of work.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

24 Comments to “corporate integrity guidelines”

  1. w3s says:

    Apart from freshies, “Ancients” in the companies are disastrous as well. More so, if “Aunties” are involved.

    Seriously, I am not supposed to laugh but hey, I am not laughing at you. Just the way you painted those “shits” out caused me to feel, “Dejavu..” & that explains my laughter.

    Man, the way you express things in your blog is superb. Do they have ISO shits for blogs? You blurdy deserve one!

  2. Primrose says:

    *nods* I sooo agree with you. Everyone’s a dimwit here too! Oh, can you dimwit don’t bellow at my ears like a damn trumpet? Thank you.

  3. fat404 says:

    7 BASIC points but rather STRONG.

  4. MILO says:

    Chill man… chill

  5. Early Stage Beef Stew says:

    Man, you either need a vacation or you need to shoot somebody. But of course, those motherfuckers are everywhere… You can’t run and you can’t fucking hide.

  6. m@ri says:

    I sooooo totally agree with you! Anyway, sometime you need patient to go through with this ordeal. I just read a forwarded mail today about the rate of heart attack death has increased and one of the reason is the dimwitt in the office is the main factor. I will forward to u tomorrow yea Mike?

  7. insomniac says:

    Michael,

    They’re around, and always will be. Don’t let that get u all in a twist.

    Or, keep a loud-ass, portable air horn handy…could be a stress-reliever. LOL.

  8. michaelooi says:

    w3s – the geriatrics ! Yes, those mean and vile old creatures reminds us of the dark times of the dinosaurs. Fucking hell.

    primrose – They’re like, shouting at your ears ? They could have used a few wallops on the head…

    fat404 – I’d not say strong… but down-to-earth. It’s an ugly world out there.

    MILO – Chilled milo rawks !

    beef stew – I need both dude. You’re right about them being all over the place.

    m@ri – I think I got that mail before. It’s like all over the internet eh ?

    insomniac – loud ass ? Like fart in front of them ? Why didn’t I think of that ? Each time when they’re into their bullshit, I’m gonna rip some gas. (man, i can imagine the office is gonna look like a Nazi concentration camp)

  9. Amber says:

    Eh, you’re mean lar. Rookies wut, what do you expect lar? :P:P

  10. insomniac says:

    No lah, Mike, I actually meant an air-horn, since u have such an affinity for them. No need to stink up the office.
    “Loud-ass” lah, as in, kick-ass, ear-splitting, eardrum-shaking decibels.

  11. michaelooi says:

    amber – Oh ? So rookie is exempted from using their common sense ? Riiiiiigggghhht….

    insomniac – Still… the idea is great. Fart ! Fart !

  12. minishorts says:

    … i have a feeling that newly grads who get into that company like the feel of ‘wah i’m in an mnc’. they’re also the type who’ll go around boasting about their so-called achievements (understandably it IS quite an achievement) in their circle of friends.

    with that kind of attitude to carry around, little wonder that they’re dimwits. fresh grads who start off in MNCs are invariably like that.

  13. abc says:

    I once worked in a place where the ugly pig boss thinks he is a casanova and wants to screw all the girls in the office. Bastard.

  14. matakecik says:

    must add one more…
    recently me dumb ass GM hired a bimbo and she is like the ‘nose up in the air’ girl since she need not work for a living (she is loaded) but works for fun, she has this ego problem and has a need to show off all the time.

    So this one is for her:
    STOP and LISTEN when you have to. FUCKING USE your ears since God gave them to you. Dont talk when someone is talking coz then nothing is resolved and things will all end up in shouting matches or miscommunication leading to more fuck ups. This is not a talking competition fuckwits!!!

  15. cmos says:

    I know wot you mean Mike. My workplace is filled with idiots and morons too. And every once in a while, I meet a farking big ass boss moron at then end of each game stage… er… I mean month.

  16. michaelooi says:

    minishorts – Most of them… couldn’t agree more…

    abc – hell, when a guy’s rich… they’ll be a casanova in front of their own mirror so, no surprise.

    matakecik – Yeah, especially those corporate sluts that think they’re oh-so-fucking-smart just because they’re being screwed by some ‘casanova’ bosses.

    cmos – Game stage … you’re working for some reality tv game show ?

  17. einazani says:

    huh!!
    Like you never been rookie once!
    eh, you came out for ‘u’, got a job and know everything, ehh?
    Like you never did mistake from your first job?

  18. khang says:

    hei~
    I feel you !!!
    I totally understand what was wrong.
    I am almost in your position because I’m facing shits left by freshies, I need to wipe their ass and tell them the instruction to use the toilet paper.

  19. michaelooi says:

    einazani – I have done a myriad of mistakes before, no shit. But these aren’t simply “mistakes”.
    These are fuck ups
    If the same ‘mistake’ happens more than once, it’s always a fuck up.

    khang – They’re simply ignorant, blinded by their complacent “oversea-grad” mindset. Fuck them.

  20. they are there so you can blog about how moronic they are!

  21. gagak hitam says:

    Not all fresh grads are like that…..just have to be patient with them…teach them the ropes….and when I mean teach them…like putting them to tourture, fry them in deep tension tasks…then only from “green bean” they can become “masak” and transform…

    So far no fresh grad got to my nerves yet, but alot of the uncles and aunties did….but that is another story…

  22. michaelooi says:

    domesticgoddess – In a way, yeah… if it wasn’t for them, there’ll be less stories to tell, less people to mock … and our lives would be as boring as watching sloths having an intercourse…

    gagak – Of course, not all of them are like this. And it perfectly make sense to let them drown… I know what you meant… cheers.

  23. MutantTomato says:

    Mike, once again, I feel for you brother! This blight plagues almost all offices… Same for me la… And it is true; we all make mistakes. But mistakes are mistakes. Fuck ups are NOT mistakes! Please don’t confuse them. Here’s what I mean:

    Mistake:
    You’re driving a car and forget to top up the battery water. Battery fails. You get it changed and the mechanic tells you how to maintain it and what to fill it up with.

    FUCK UP:
    Battery is empty. You fill it with tap water. It jams like a prostitute’s cunt on a good business day. You take it to the mechanic and when he asks you what you filled it with, you say “Tap water la!” When he scolds you for being stupider than a lemming, you say “Well, its water whatttt!! Besides, my friends in Corpus Christi, Cambridge used to do the same thing. I am an automotive engineer! I know more about car than you do!”

    PErfect example to show an absolute FUCK UP and a bloody I KNOW EVERYTHING attitude…

  24. summer says:

    A very good post Michael… could I borrow your guidelines?? My workplace also has plenty of the dumb ones….

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