July 21, 2005

best way to torture a cat

What’s the best way to torture a cat ?

– Look for a cage big enough to fit a cat. Bind up cat. Then spread some wasabi or whatever hottest chilli pepper sauce you can find at every part of the darn cat where the sun don’t shine. Once done, release cat inside the cage. Cat’s gonna lick off the hot stuff and combust. (may even replace the hot stuff with laxatives). Laugh.

– Go to the nearest Indian toddy store and purchase the cheapest and most contraband alcohol beverage available. Bind cat’s limbs with wires or duct tape. Pry open the feline’s mouth. Pour the booze into cat’s mouth (half a glass will do). Wait for 15 minutes. Release the cat. Watch it puke.

– Get some assload of firecrackers. Blindfold and bind the cat up with a rope. Then confine it in a quiet dark room. At every 30 minutes’ interval or so, light a firecracker near the cat to freak it out. Release the cat after 24 hours’ worth of “psychotherapy”.

– Get a big cage and a dog. Preferably, a savage dog that discriminates cats – a pitbull or something. Muzzle up the dog so that it won’t be able to bite anything. Dump cat into the same cage as that racist dog … Observe live wrestling. Laugh.

– Simply tie the fucker cat up on a lamp post or something. With a toothpick, tickle the cat’s ear (notice how it’s ear twitches each time you do that). Now do this straight for a few hours. That cat’s gonna get so pissed.

– Buy plenty of rubber bands. Cross weave it into a length of strong elastic rope (approximately 2 meters will do). Climb up to a pedestrian bridge or a few storeys up a building. Make sure feline is completely bound up, you do not want to hurt yourself with their nasty claws. Tie rubber rope to feline’s hind legs (make sure it’s tight and secure). Tie the other end of rope to a stable structure – a concrete beam or something. Bungee the cat down from the height. Laugh.

– Look for a big sized garbage bag. Poke many holes (about the size of a golf ball) on the bag. This is to let the cat breathe… Then, again, tie the cat up (man, this is like a routine already if you really want to fucking torture a cat. Cats are dangerous when provoked so, better tie it up). Dump cat into garbage bag. Then, go eat some durian, petai, spring onions, raw potato or broccoli. Once gas is built up in your tummy, fart into the plastic bag. To improve efficiency, invite friends to fart.

– [I learnt this torture from Animal Planet from Jeff Corwin i think…]. Make sure cat is securely bound. You need a pressured tap water source connected to a hose and a couple of guys to help you out. Now ask the guys to pin the cat down and have its mouth pried open. With the tip of your index finger, pressure out the running water from the hose and shoot it into the cat’s open mouth. Blast everything inside as if you’re cleaning a clogged drain. Then pour its content out. You’ll get to see what the cat has eaten for the past 12 hours… (hell, that’s what scientists do to the crocs).

I feel much better now…
Update Dec 2015 : Cat karma

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 

41 Comments to “best way to torture a cat”

  1. bubu says:

    one word says it all…. GROOS !!!! YOU’RE ONE … . . . can’t find a single word to describe you.

    today you’re bitten by a cat or what ? Why on earth would you do such cruel thing to a cat ? Imagine you’re the cat, and there a big giant doing all those thing to you, how would you feel ?

    sighs.. -_-” starts to worry if you’re going insane due to the heavy pressure from an engineering working environment.

  2. Early Stage Beef Stew says:

    You one sick little bastard you know that? You have any of these for birds…

  3. Tan Yee Wei says:

    WTF… where do you get these wierd arsed ideas from anyway?

  4. michaelooi says:

    bubu – Cruel ? If I were to practice them, I’d be cruel. No cats were harmed in making this post…

    beef stew – Birds… my mom told me to trim the feathers around it’s wings shorter … so that they would have to flap extra few hundred times to take flight.

    yee wei – I don’t know… my brain ?

  5. dwkm says:

    watz ur problem wid cats??
    how come u feel like torturing them suddenly??
    all ur ideas are so “pian tai”!
    i’m not a fan of cats though…..they like to stare at me like they wanna eat me up… haha…

  6. kolokmee says:

    Have u been raped by some rabid cats recently mike?

  7. ~evil_gal~ says:

    this is my favorite post. i hate cats.
    but, that’s too cruel. i’m just at the tip of it… i blast cold water to cats and kitty…they are damn smelly and dirty!

  8. water_junk says:

    1) tie up cat
    2) get 2 banglas
    3) hav 1 bangla sit on cat
    4) another one clamp head of cat with armpit

  9. killershik says:

    u make me despise u more [jokingly]. i shudder at the tot of torturing any kinds of animal [exclusion of those killed purely for meat, sory im not committing to full vegetarian js bc i like animal]

    altho i dont really read ur post on tis one. no matter wht is ur intention to diversify or give more variety but tis one sucks.

    altho not a cat fanser mysef but to some extent, they deserve a fair treatment.

  10. tyra says:

    mikey wat’s wrong? stressed from being a dad? hahahaha :p

  11. ethanlow says:

    good one..gave me some ideas on how to handle my neighbour’s cats…hehehe..

  12. ahmog says:

    - Tie up a cat
    – Leash it to Lorraine (make sure both ends is secure)
    – release the cat
    – Drive up to 60km/h.
    – Check if the cat is keeping up in pace or being dragged like a rag doll.

    btw: the cat should not be a cheetah … cheetah’s are “big” cats ..

  13. michaelooi says:

    dwkm – Nothing. Just to vent out some grudge…

    kolokmee – No lah.

    evil_gal – Blast cold water works for them. They’re scared of water.

    water_junk – Yeah hhahahh… the cat’s gonna get brain damage after that …

    killershik – Well, good for you. The cats would definitely appreciate your benevolence here.

    tyra – Me ? A dad ? Are you for real ?

    ethanlow – The key idea is to freak them out, to the very bone.

    ahmog – Man, that’s another level of cruelty ler… I’m not that elite yet.

  14. Primrose says:

    What’s with you and cats, huh, huh, huh? Mp3 also little cat. This also cat.

    My sis hates cats and you know what she did to a little kitten before? She caught it and hosed it wet. Totally drenched, my sis puts the kitten in sleeping position and err, stepped on it. Step, step, step and then picked it up, whirl it in her arms like a large ferris-wheel and threw it far, far away. *Gulp*

    Then again, cats have 9 lives. So, that kitten scrambled up and cowered away… *sob sob*

    Thank god she didn’t get to be a vet!

  15. belacans says:

    SENSATIONAL HEADLINE: mike tortures pussies! ;)

  16. michaelooi says:

    primrose – You sister is evillll … I like.

    belacan – Eh, that’s different ok ? I’m a pussy lover.

  17. zbjernak says:

    if i can…i wanna torch all the cats…hehehhe

    supernova them….

    hehehe

  18. Vad3r says:

    i knew it. Uve been dumped by Catwoman b4 :p

  19. Jolll says:

    I ought to report u to the SPCA! Love thy cats (and pussies)!! :)

  20. zbjernak says:

    primrose-> your sis will be my CATS Officer if i set up a goverment… hohohohohoho

  21. moo_t says:

    Secure the cat, feed it with overdose of catnip. Release it and watch ;)

  22. Primrose says:

    zbjernak: Must she be in a CATS suit too? :P

  23. coolclare says:

    sigh…your blog still the best. no politics, no flashings, no hackers, no blogdrama.

    i hate cats.

  24. honey says:

    i wonder what the cats did to you to incur your wrath…hahah

  25. joe says:

    damn. that’s just mean, dude… it’s pretty disturbing.

  26. SleepingBeauty says:

    Woaa… that’s just mean… very very mean…

  27. Dee says:

    What’s up? Someone stepped on your tail today?

  28. summer says:

    I hope that by now, you’ve lost the will to torture a cat… even though I love dogs more!!

  29. hokkien lang says:

    if this bolg still read by some 1 i have a way too
    1st lie down the cat
    then spin the cat 360 degree as many as you like…
    then let the cat go…

  30. kokoro says:

    You should not be allowed to post any of this. This page is a good example of all the bad that can come from the use of the internet.
    You are obviously mentally ill and should be sedated somewhere in a dark room

  31. michaelooi says:

    kokoro – you mean to sedate a cat in a dark room ? Well why, that’s a fine idea ! Thanks for the suggestion.

  32. matt says:

    1 – tie the cat by its hind legs with a short bungee cord
    2 – tie the other end of bungee cord to a ceiling fan
    3 – turn on fan to highest setting
    4 – laugh

    OR

    soak cat with water an place cat on a metal pan with its feet in water, connect metal pan to a car battery with jumper cables, enjoy the smoke show.

  33. Tee says:

    This site rules. I used to write stories about torturing cats when I was in high school and college – this site bring back happy memories.

    Here’s on I didn’t see…

    Get cat stoned or drunk – completely bombed off it’s ass
    Throw cat on roof
    Watch it try to get down. This throws their equilibrium off, funny stuff.

  34. a 14 years old girl says:

    YOU BUNCH OF SICKOOOOSSSS !!!!!

    WHY THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT !!!!!

    IF YOU LIKE SEEING SOMEONE SUFFER THAN MAKE YOUR SELF SUFFER BUT WHY DO THAT TO A FUCKING MINOUUUU

    YOU ALL BUNCH OF BASTARDS !!! DO YOU LIKE HEARING IT SCREAM OF TERROR DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF PLEASURE SEEING IT SUFFER PUT YOURSELVES IN HIS PLACE

    SUFFER SCREAM THE MOST YOU CAN BUT NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU ONLY THE MAD GUY KILLING YOU SOFTLY THE SLOWEST POSSIBLE !!

    FUCK OFFFF

    WE DON’T WANT YOU IN THIS WORLD

    DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE !!!!!

  35. michaelooi says:

    14 year old girl – *skins a kitten alive* Excuse me?

  36. kou says:

    you’re not the most creative person i’ve ever seen. most of those any person who hates cats could come up with.

    i waste too much of my time looking for this kind of crap. C: try putting a cat in a microwave. -thumbs up-

  37. michaelooi says:

    and spoil your expensive microwave in the process? That’s smart…

  38. El Geordio says:

    1. Take a cat.
    2. Take a pillow case (preferably a strong one, not silky shit).
    3. Put said cat in pillow case.
    4. Swing case (and cat) around a few times. Cat will probably be screaming like fuck by now.
    5. Place pillow-case-cat in a bath of cold water, not a full bath though otherwise Kitty will drown. Cat ought to be absolutely mortified and pissing herself by now.
    6. Laugh out loud.

  39. ZeN says:

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
    notices
    a little girl next door in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the
    side
    and
    a garden hose tightly coild in the middle.
    The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a
    dog
    and cat.
    The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice
    fire
    truck,”
    the fire fighter says with admeration.
    “Thanks,” the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and
    notices
    the girl has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and the cats testicles.
    “Littel Partner,” the fire fighter says, ” I don’t want to tell you how
    to
    run your truck
    but if you were to tie the rope around the cats collar, i think you
    could go
    faster.
    The little girl replied, “you’re probably right, but then i wouldn’t
    have a
    siren.”

  40. Grace says:

    You are a fucking piece of shit for posting this garbage on the internet. Cats, like any other animal, deserve to live a peaceful life without torture or making their lives miserable. You are responsible for any incitement that arises from your stupid webpage. This crap should be forwarded to your webmaster and removed. Freedom of speech you cry? Not when it’s shit like this that incites other stupid people to perform your ridiculous and deadly suggestions.

    I am sure this will not be posted, because you will think “it sucks”. But someone needs to tell you what a fucking shit you are. I would love for a group of animal lovers to do all these things to you and see if you like it and think its funny.

    GET A LIFE ASSHOLE!!

  41. michaelooi says:

    Grace – Fuck your fat ass and your set of crossed eyes. Get a life, cunt.

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