Archive for July, 2005

July 28, 2005

interested ?

Received a very weird email a while ago, intended to post it up but somehow forgotten all about it until I cleaned my inbox yesterday. Here it is :

From: shidharrth devkar [mailto:supernaturalproject@yahoo.co.in]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 11:23 PM
To: michaelooi.net[at]gmail.com
Subject: a documentry on bhangarh.

Namaste

This is shiddharth from bharat(india)i just happen to get to know you from a web site.
I am currently working on a documentry on one of the most haunted place in india.
A place where no one dares to go and the one who has dared has never come back again.this has taken me years to get to the internal details.it has got enough super natural reality to make this a reality horror documentry.

Now the reasion for this mail is…
i am looking out for a producer who has got the gut to produce this documentry,if you are like me, crazy and belive in showing things no one has ever seen before.

No matter what difficuilties come on the way.
lets make the diffrence and show the diffrence.
shiddharth.d
contact no:(code india)0091 9869770510
0091 9867464246
0091 9892960816
email:shreekaryam@yahoo.co.uk
This documentry is not only for india but is for the entire world to know what still remains…… a secret.
thank you and dhanyawad.
shiddharth.d

Man, he’s still using a yahoo mail. That’s horrifying enough.

No shit, this has got to be the kookiest thing I’ve ever seen in my inbox – save for the few Japanese porn clips featuring some dude having a diarrhea inside a saran wrap that almost made me barf.

So, this guy is asking me if I wanted to co-produce some reality horror documentary at some place in India. I wonder what makes him think I’m the most suitable person to be his partner… my uncanny abhorrence towards his kind ?

I don’t know, if you were to ask me produce a horror documentary, it’ll pretty much include a few vital elements …
1) violence
2) gore
3) sex

Maybe my idea is leaning more towards a movie rather than a documentary, but hell… who the fuck cares. The key thing is to freak the viewer out … and entertain them at the same time…

Eg: A group of teenagers go camping at some secluded spot in a nearby forest, having sex and getting drunk. (there’ll be plenty of tits and beaver stroking scenes here). Then one of the girls hears something weird outside their camp… something like “Huarrgghhh! Snort Snort”. Feeling curious and unsuspecting of anything, she goes outside to investigate, totally naked.

Then a zombie with a rotten dick leaps out of the bushes and bites one of her tits off. Blood pours all over the place and the girl screams for help. And as she frantically tries to crawl away, the zombie runs to her and gives her the most badass elbow drive on her spine… breaking it into 2.

The rest of the campers come out to check what’s happening and the zombie blows a whistle to summon his army of zombie friends to charge forth at the bunch of succulent naked humans [a scene of grisly feast of human parts ensues]. That’s pretty much about it. No heroes, no Tom Cruise. It’s an all zombie executioner movie. {If you haven’t watched “Dawn of the Dead”, you suck)

*if any of you is interested in co-producing some “reality horror documentary” in India, by all means, go ahead to call up Shiddharth. You can either email him at his yahoo account or call those the numbers he has given above.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 13 Comments
July 27, 2005

as sore as it gets

My office phone rang when I was having a discussion with a colleague today…

Anonymous caller : [strong Malay accent] “hello Mint….”

Me : [bellows with a strong virile voice] “No, this is Anna. What do you want ?”

Anonymous caller : *GASP* “Erhh… sorry…sorry… tersalah nombor…”

*CLICK*

Man I laughed so hard that I almost shat in my pants.

Now I’m sure most of you guys have received a boo-boo call before. Be it a prank, crossed line or a pure blatant misdial… they can be annoying at times. But if you’re creative enough, it’s gonna spell ‘fun’ instead. Here are a couple of wicked replies I’ve heard in the past …

*****

Some random guy called for my teenage sister in the middle of the night. My mom answered because my sister was asleep like a corpse :

Anonymous caller : “May I speak to Beancurd ?”

Mom : “Beancurd ? There’s no Beancurd here. This is a casket trading company. You want something ?”

Anonymous caller : *frantically slams the phone*

*****

An Indian guy called the wrong number to my friend’s cellphone.

Indian guy : “Hello ? @#$%^&*()_+” [uttering some high tempo Tamil language]

Steven : “Ying-girl-lair…. ying-girl-lair …. ying-girl-lair”

Indian guy : “Hello ??? Hello ???”

Steven : “Ying-girl-lair ?”

Indian guy : *CLICK*

*****

*There are more which I could not recall.

And I would love to do something about those telemarketing dipshits that keep pestering me whimsically. Just some day…

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 21 Comments
July 26, 2005

corporate integrity guidelines

No doubt that my workplace is plagued with dimwits. People with intelligence less than their own shits. I don’t know if they’re born like that or they’re just plain lazy to think, but they all have one thing in common – they make our lives difficult.

As if our constant grief with our ever stagnant wage is not enough, these people are here to ruin our shit to a deeper level… like rubbing salt into our ailing wounds. They’ll make ridiculous requests, they’ll create problems for you to rectify, hell… they’re everywhere just to make sure that you’re one bit closer to hell on earth.

I’ve noticed that most of these dopes are fresh graduates. Man, they’re supposed to be smart and stuffs, or at least “technically” ready for whatever challenges that await them in their brand new career. But unfortunately, no. Most freshies nowadays, they don’t seem to be able to think properly. I don’t fucking know if this is due to the chlorine in our water (read this somewhere)… or is it the cow’s milk they’ve been fed by their parents. Just… they tick you off up to a level where you’d feel like killing them.

So, what do I do ? I can’t do anything else but to help these people to grow a brain… give them a hint or two about how things work on this planet… Hence, I’ve prepared a crude list of “corporate integrity guidelines” here … hopefully would bind their wits altogether. They should come in handy no matter where you are or what you’re doing …

Plan your meetings. Want to look for someone for a discussion ? Well, call the fuck up to make an appointment in advance ! Not everyone’s as free as your fat ass ! You’ll need to let people know that you’re gonna cause them some inconveniences. Make them expect you. This is not a vice raid in some prostitution coop !

Help people to help you. When you’re escalating issues for help, always fucking remember to gather your facts/data prior doing that ! You can’t expect someone else to deign whatever fuck you want with just an email embellished with your ever-so-powerful-3-letter-word “FYI”. And no, your big tits won’t help either. Everyone’s a bitch inside the corporate email directory.

Use your brain. Think logically. You don’t bitch about the fingerprint scanner not working when you’re pressing the scanner with your fingertip. You don’t capture video clips of something that doesn’t move when you have a still camera. You don’t shit in your pants when all the toilet booth has been taken up. Just… use… your… brain.

Have some manners. Yeah fart face. That’s you and your damned ego. Nobody gives a shit if you’re used to command your Indonesian maid to give you a blowjob. You want something from me ? Ask nicely. Else, I’m gonna have to politely ask you to … FUCK OFF !! (‘politely’ because I’m not boorish like you, motherfucker)

Don’t misuse technology. Sometimes, speed of sound can be faster than the speed of light. Like, it can be much more faster to just haul your ass up your chair and fucking TALK… instead of sending emails asking someone who’s just a couple of desks away… and start blaming everyone when your mail isn’t read at expected time. And also, nobody’s interested to know if you’re thankful to your mongoloid boss after he has shagged your hairy ass … so quit copying your email to the whole world.

Summarize your craps. Nobody wants to read your bullshits in a 5 paged email. Like if I have the time to read something, do you reckon that I’m gonna frigging spend all my time reading your boring office stuffs ? Dream on. So, if you want anyone’s attention through email, it better be short and terse. Or you can eat shit and die.

Groom yourself. This is not related to your intelligence… but rather, something that might make me paint a false impression on you. Just… if there are hairs protruding from your nostril, REMEMBER TO FUCKING TRIM THEM !!! It’s disturbing to see it sticking out like that !!!!

The list is infinity… but these are the prime ones that could prevent you from hitting a boner on your first day/month/year of work.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 24 Comments
July 25, 2005

sensitive

I was walking with a fellow new engineer, Ken, when I noticed that he was snorting mucus from his nose…

Me : “Dude, I notice that you’re always with a runny nose. What’s up with that ?”

Ken : “Not runny nose. Just very sensitive.”

Me : “Ok…”

Ken : “My nose is sensitive to everything. Dust, environment, temperature, etc…”

Me : “Wow, that’s a bummer huh ?”

Ken : “Yeah…” [sniff]

Me : “Say, would you still be sensitive like this if you were to be put to whiff a hot chick’s steamy pair of tits right in front of you ?”

Ken : “Oooooooh… my blocked nose will be cleared almost immediately…”

Both : “HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH”

Moral of the conversation : Guys react differently when there’s a naked chick around.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 14 Comments
July 23, 2005

cat lover

That previous post was just a fictional post for me to even up my pressure in life. No animals were harmed in the making.

In fact, I’m a cat lover myself… Don’t believe me ? Here’s a photographic proof :

As you can see, I was already wearing a wifebeater since I was so little. And the cat looked thrilled in the picture, to have its photograph taken with such a cool kid. Cats love me …

I initiated that post because I got reminded of an accident I had with a cat many years ago.

Was on a motorcycle negotiating a roundabout turn when suddenly got flung out of my bike and landed hard on the tarmac. Bike was wrecked.

When some guy came over to help me up on my feet, he told me that I hit a darn cat. Then I asked him :

“Where’s the darn cat ??”
“That cat fled liao…”

My blood pressure shot up above my head and I shouted “CHEEBYEEE MEOWWWWWW !!!!!”

So there you have it. Just a sudden purge of emotion through some metaphorical imagination. Don’t call the SPCA… please. Love thy blogger.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 15 Comments