I have a colleague called Elliot. He seemed to be a nice guy when I first met him… but after a few months’ worth of acquaintance, I started to discover that there’s something not very right about him. I tried to convince myself that he’s not a contemptible fuck but, the facts doesn’t seem to be conforming to that fact…

1) He drives a rickety old car that has a broken stereo system. Probably this shouldn’t be a serious matter if one isn’t into music shits. But Elliot, he likes music. Instead of sending his stereo for repair, he actually bought a battery operated radio and play it inside his car.
Optimistic opinion : Maybe he’s trying to be prudent in spending, to save himself some money to feed his neighbour’s cat or something. He’s a nice person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

2) He loves to chat. Usually about inane stuffs (like how he disliked the feeling of being in a traffic jam) and then would laugh out hysterically by himself, even though nobody finds his remarks funny. Sometimes, it really freaks me out since he’s very near where I am…
Optimistic opinion : Perhaps he’s keen to socialize with everyone in the most jovial way. He’s a nice person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

3) Because he’s very tall, I reckoned that it takes a longer time for the blood pumped from his heart to reach his brain. Each time I asks him something, he’ll need to pause for a moment and stare at me coldly before answering something unintelligible. It makes me feel like talking to a Yeti.
Optimistic opinion : He’s just trying to be very careful about deciphering one’s message. He’s a very conscientious person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

4) He has this uncanny preference of whistling some really tacky Chinese songs (eg. some mandarin persian cat song) inside the office. It’s very annoying especially during the time when I need to crank my head to work out something. I feel like crashing a chair on his head.
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to loosen up the tension inside the office environment. He cares for his fellow colleagues.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

5) He once indeliberately brushed his old rickety junk’s bumper over another parked vehicle’s door and actually induced a big dent on it. While the rest of us looking lividly pale about the bummer, he just let out a smile and shifted his car to park somewhere else.
Optimistic opinion : He’s just being an optimist himself. It’s a good thing.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s an abominable freak

6) I once saw a very rotten piece of thoroughly eaten apple inside his rickety old car. It must have been left inside there for weeks. When being confronted about the find, he said that he forgot to discard that fruit many weeks ago, wound down his window and threw it out from his car onto the tarmac.
Optimistic opinion : He conserves the nature by bringing himself closer to decomposition of organic matters.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking disgusting goddamn freak

7) He makes me want to keel over each time he’s near. That’s because he’s got this really repugnantly strong body odour.
Optimistic opinion : He probably doesn’t want to flush too much chemicals into our ocean and abstain himself from using deodorants/anti-perspiration sticks. He’s an environmentally friendly guy.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak that stinks
He bought a camcorder recorded VCD of “Star Wars III : Revenge of the Sith” and said that the movie’s about some lunatic dude wielding weird looking swords… and the movie’s boring.
Optimistic opinion : None.
Pessimistic opinion : HE’S A GODDAMN FREAK

Arrrgh !

Wilson has been missing from work for close to a week and finally came back to work today. Apparently, he took his time off to stay away from someone he’s scared of - Panda. That’s right. It was Panda’s final week with the company and he’s damn worried that she might go on rampage killing everyone in the office.

But it didn’t happen of course… else there would’ve been a headline for you guys to enjoy. She did behave strangely at her final moments though. She was like … rowdier than her usual stodgy self and our lab technician, Doof, was unlucky enough to be the victim of her unconditional angst.

It happened on one fine afternoon when Doof was working in front of his computer and was suddenly pounced by Panda. She started to savagely berate him about some mistakes that he didn’t even know of. He was needless to say, scared shitless at that particular moment… and decided to just keep very still in order not to agitate her any further. Besides, she obviously doesn’t look like willing to yield to any reasoning at that moment. A close shave with death indeed.

Luckily, it’s all over now. She finally left the company yesterday. It’s spring again and Wilson is now the happiest dude in the office. But I told him not to feel too comfortable about the whole thing … as we’ll never know if Panda would return one day as a completely different person to vindicate the fuck ups that he had given to her.

Like, it’s not very difficult have her lards and animal fats liposucked to an hourglass figure, get a boob job and some major plastic surgery to make herself look like Bo Derek - he could never guess even in his wildest dream that it’s Panda. With a little tweak of an ID, he’ll feel compelled hire her back (who can resist a sexy good looking applicant ?) and give her an opportunity to ensnare him with her sexual advances.

Once she managed to lure him to a bed or something, she’ll then tie his limbs up with leather straps at each corner of the bed and start to torture the daylights out of him. Some of the tortures that we (the BOE’s) actually suggested …

- inflict wounds on his dick with a paper cutter, then slowly sprinkle salt, pepper and other seasonings onto it.
- slowly toast his bollocks with a Bunsen burner, then only add in the seasoning torture.
- to slowly wax off every single strand of hair on his body…
- spread heaps of sticky rice grains over his naked body, and dump in about 100 starving live chickens into that locked room.
- substitute chickens with rats.
- substitute rats with hyenas.

Something like that. He paused for a while … and then changed our discussion topic to something else.

Cues in music and roll the credit.