Archive for June, 2005

June 3, 2005

camelmobile

A couple weeks ago, as I was tailing behind this 4WD vehicle in my workplace’s carpark, I took notice of its really attractive pair of rear lamps. Apparently, it’s a new model of 4WD which I’ve never seen before. It reminded me of the older Opel Vectra models… that I used to swoon all over when I was younger. That prompted me to tail closer to catch a glimpse on its carmake & model – its shiny emblem read “Kia Sportage”. The new make, of course.

I was like … WOW… this is like a deviation from their (Kia’s) usual fugly designs ! I was needless to say, damn impressed with the look. But unfortunately, I didn’t get to see the front view of the vehicle to give my full judgment. We parted ways and I forgot all about it, until yesterday.

I was lumbering towards my car after a tiring day of work, when I finally saw the frontal view of this vehicle, parked not far away from Lorraine. Had a good look at it and my first impression was – it looked like a surprised camel ! It’s hard to explain but, you can peruse the following graphic for better understanding :

Just in case you couldn’t tell the difference, the left image is the new Kia Sportage, while the right image is suppose to be a mouse-drawn camel, with a surprised look. Uncanny resemblance, isn’t it ? It boggles my mind to think, what the fuck is wrong with this vehicle. Tried to tilt my head in various angles, but I couldn’t get myself to like it.

Maybe this surprised-camel looking vehicle was designed by some diaper head that has been brought up in an environment full of camels. And designed a vehicle that looks like it as a tribute to the animal – that has served his civilization for centuries as a biological transport…

I did not bother to check out its interior, for I have no interest in anything that resembled a camel (except for cameltoes, of course…).

michaelooi  | automobiles  | 5 Comments

the i’m-holier-than-thou blogger’s baton

I was passed a meme baton by Minishorts. God knows what might happen to me if I don’t do it … so, here it is…

THE LAST BLOG I READ WAS:
drliew

I THINK MY BLOG IS WAY BETTER THAN THAT BLOG ABOVE BECAUSE:
That site is blogged by a very humsup old doctor while this site is blogged by a smarter and less humsup younger bloke.

IMHO THE BEST ENTRY I HAVE EVER BLOGGED IS
The superficial entry “My First Sex”. It took me 3 hours to complete it.

THE FIVE BLOGS I READ THAT MAY BE BETTER THAN MINE ARE:
1) badnewshughes.blogspot.com – he is more open-minded than I am, franker than I can be and has more indignities than I can bone.
2) smiling-politely.org – she can describe her expression in the most succinct way that I ever wanted to be.
3) johnhoward.blogspot.com – one of the best superficial blog I’ve ever read in the blogosphere…
4) sixthseal.com – there’s nothing that he can’t blog about (my point of view). And for that, he deserves all the respect from me.
5) viewtru.blogspot.com – this guy is gifted in presenting his point of view in the most interesting manner. Good at making up stories too.

To the 5 of you great bloggers, you have my salute.

I KNOW MY READERS ARE ADDICTED TO MY BLOG BECAUSE:
Everything in this blog comes from my own twisted mind and it’s as original as tits being pressed on a cleanly wiped transparent glass pane. I think I have character. Like it or not.

And now I’m passing the baton to the following people that I think fit to perform this “I’m-Holier-Than-Thou Blogger’s Baton” meme on their blog…

1) Vincent Lau (because he loathes Jay Chou like I do…)
2) dsaint (because he gave me a meme before…)
3) Elphinstone (because she’s very kuai lan…)

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
June 2, 2005

martial arts only looks good on TV

We have a new engineer on board, Ken. Somewhere during our group bantering, somebody mentioned that Ken has a 3rd level taekwondo blackbelt. That was when I throw him something that I’ve always wanted to ask a martial artist…

Me : “You have a taekwondo blackbelt ?”

Ken : [humbly] “Yes…”

Me : “So… like if I pitch a wooden chair at you, you’ll be able to smash it with a kick?”

It’s supposed to be a difficult question.

Ken : “Errmmm…” [sheepish smile]

Me : “Ok, fine. Then if I pitch you another chair, which is made of steel… would you be able to smash it too ?”

Ken : “I think I’ll break my leg instead… heheh”

He’s an alright guy.

You see, the point I’m trying to make here is, that no matter how good you are at martial arts, you’re still made of flesh and bone. If you somehow condescendingly think that your leg can break anything with your invincible kick, fine … I’ll toss you a crowbar and calibrate if it’s really living up to your expectation. In my opinion, martial arts only look good on TV and perhaps as a good form of exercise … but in reality (especially the modern world today), it’s as useless as talking to your plants.

The truth is (kids, pay attention) – we’ve already been bestowed with the best defense available. No you don’t have to obtain a black belt or anything. Just master your skills on running. That’s right… run as fast as you can away from your troubles.

Someone who’s double your size wanna beat you up ? Run. A group of villagers armed with sticks and pickaxes want to cream your ass ? Run. An obese kid taunting you for a fight ? Punch him at his face and run.

It works on animals too. Like when you have a pack of rabid Rottweilers chasing after you for a snack ? It really helps a lot if you can run fast. You get the idea.

This may sound like being a coward but hell, in the end, you’ll be the one who’s still alive and get to enjoy a longer life. Just imagine, if you hit a boner and got paralyzed from your heroic acts (like trying to take out a mob of thugs armed with bats) … would you still think that it’s a cool thing to do ? Yeah, like moving around with a wheelchair is a fun thing to do. Think about it.

So kids, why bother getting yourself a blackbelt ? You should get yourself a medal in running instead.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 11 Comments
June 1, 2005

freak

I have a colleague called Elliot. He seemed to be a nice guy when I first met him… but after a few months’ worth of acquaintance, I started to discover that there are something not very right about him. I tried to convince myself that he’s not a contemptible fuck but, the facts don’t seem to conform that at all…

1) He drives a rickety old car that has a broken stereo system. Probably this shouldn’t be a serious matter if one isn’t into music. But Elliot, he likes music. Instead of sending his stereo for repair, he actually bought a battery operated radio and play it inside his car.
Optimistic opinion : Maybe he’s trying to be prudent in spending, to save himself some money to feed his neighbor’s cat or something. He’s a nice person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

2) He loves to chat. Usually about inane stuffs (like how he dislikes the feeling of being in a traffic jam) and then would laugh out hysterically by himself, even though nobody finds his remarks funny. Sometimes, it really freaks me out since he’s very near where I am…
Optimistic opinion : Perhaps he’s keen to socialize with everyone in the most jovial way. He’s a nice person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

3) Because he’s very tall, I reckon that it takes a longer time for the blood pumped from his heart to reach his brain. Each time I asks him something, he’ll need to pause for a moment and stares at me coldly before answering something unintelligible. It makes me feel like talking to a Yeti.
Optimistic opinion : He’s just trying to be very careful about deciphering one’s message. He’s a very conscientious person
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

4) He has this uncanny preference of whistling some really tacky Chinese songs (eg. some mandarin persian cat song) inside the office. It’s very annoying especially during the time when I need to crank my head to work out something. I feel like crashing a chair on his head.
Optimistic opinion : He’s trying to loosen up the tension inside the office environment. He cares for his fellow colleagues.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak

5) He once inadvertently brushed his old rickety junk’s bumper over another parked vehicle’s door and actually induced a big dent on it. While the rest of us went lividly pale about the bummer, he just let out a smile and shifted his car to park somewhere else.
Optimistic opinion : He’s just being an optimist himself. It’s a good thing.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s an abominable freak

6) I once saw a very rotten piece of thoroughly eaten apple inside his rickety old car. It must have been left inside there for weeks. When being confronted about the find, he said that he forgot to discard that fruit many weeks ago, wound down his window and threw it out from his car onto the tarmac.
Optimistic opinion : He conserves the nature by bringing himself closer to decomposition of organic matters.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a fucking disgusting goddamn freak

7) He makes me want to keel over each time he’s near. That’s because he’s got this really repugnant body odor.
Optimistic opinion : He probably doesn’t want to flush too much chemicals into our ocean and abstains himself from using deodorants/anti-perspiration sticks. He’s an environmentally friendly guy.
Pessimistic opinion : He’s a goddamn freak that stinks

8) He bought a camcorder recorded VCD of “Star Wars III : Revenge of the Sith” and said that the movie’s about some lunatic dude wielding weird looking swords… and the movie’s boring.
Optimistic opinion : None.
Pessimistic opinion : HE’S A GODDAMN FREAK

Arrrgh !

michaelooi  | characters  | 11 Comments

the demise of a psychotic bear

Wilson had been missing from work for close to a week and finally came back to work today. Apparently, he took his time off to stay away from someone he’s scared of – Panda. That’s right. It was Panda’s final week with the company and he was damn worried that she might go on rampage killing everyone in the office.

But it didn’t happen of course… else there would’ve been a headline for you guys to enjoy. She did behave strangely during her final moments though. She was like… rowdier than her usual stodgy self and our lab technician, Doof, was unlucky enough to be the victim of her unconditional angst.

It happened on one fine afternoon when Doof was working in front of his computer and was suddenly pounced by Panda. She started to savagely berate him about some mistakes that he didn’t even know of. He was needless to say, scared shitless at that particular moment… and decided to just keep very still in order not to agitate her any further. He claimed that she didn’t look like wanting to reason at that moment. A close shave with death indeed.

Luckily, it’s all over now. She finally left the company yesterday. It’s spring again and Wilson is now the happiest dude in the office. But I told him not to feel too comfortable about the whole thing … as we’ll never know if Panda would return one day as a completely different person to vindicate the fuck ups that he had given to her.

Like, it’s not very difficult to have her lards and animal fats liposucked to an hourglass figure, get a boob job and some major plastic surgery to make herself look like Bo Derek – he could never guess even in his wildest dream that it’s Panda. With a little tweak of an ID, he’ll feel compelled hire her back (who can resist a sexy good looking applicant ?) and give her an opportunity to ensnare him with her sexual advances.

Once she manages to lure him to a bed or something, she’ll then tie his limbs up with leather straps at each corner of the bed and start to torture the daylights out of him. Some of the tortures that the BOE’s and I came up with…

– inflict wounds on his dick with a paper cutter, then slowly sprinkle salt, pepper and other seasonings onto it.
– slowly toast his bollocks with a Bunsen burner, then only add in the seasoning torture.
– to slowly wax off every single strand of hair on his body…
– spread heaps of sticky rice grains over his naked body, and dump in about 100 starving live chickens into that locked room.
– substitute chickens with rats.
– substitute rats with hyenas.

Something like that. He paused for a while … and then changed our discussion topic to something else.

Cues in music and roll the credit.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments