Archive for June, 2005

June 8, 2005

somewhere around the urinal

I frantically waded my way into the office toilet, took my stance in front of an urinal, whipped out my schlong and drained it like a Formula 1 fuel pump. That was so because that bag of urine had been held back in my bladder for some time already, thanks to my extremely lazy habit of delaying my trip to convenient myself.

Alright, I kinda had to offset myself some distance off the urinal (about 2 ft) due to following reasons:

1) some part of my organ is too great in length that pretty much limited my room there…
2) the pressure from my bloated bladder causes the urine to jet out in such force that it causes an ammonia drizzle that might wet my pants (imagine Niagara Falls)

It was all done in such a haste that I was unaware that the toilet was actually full house at that particular moment. Totally oblivious about the mass of pisser in there, I let out a big heave of relieving sigh to complement the climax of emptying my bladder (I’m very sure you guys know what I’m talking about). It was only after I opened my eyes that I realized there were approximately 8 other blokes draining their lizards right at the same time.

That’s some weird phenomenon if you were to ask me. That’s because usually, guys dislike taking up adjacent urinals next to another guy for some reason. But on that day, it was as if the management’s offering a 50% bonus incentive for any random bloke who’s lucky enough to get spotted inside the toilet by the boss.

Feeling somehow embarrassed about my lack of toilet manners (that thou shalt not make any weird noise inside the toilet), I turned my head to look around to inspect the degree of reputation damage that I had sustained. It was all cool until I turned my head to my south-west direction … when I saw my department head – AcheAss – right behind me; standing in a slanting direction to shoot at the urinal. (he has a short dick)

It appeared that he had too little space to work on his urinal because I was standing too far back from mine … and he had to slant his position to pee. It’s really hard to explain … but, here’s some graphical illustration to aid your understanding …

He kinda stood too near where I was, that it made me worried about him straying off his urinal and wet my pants. Should that ever happen, I’d probably gush my piss on his face since it was not really a hard thing to do (for him being so short and me being so, physically adequate.).

And I kept wondering, what a jerk he was. Like, he could have waited for everyone to evacuate the toilet first… or at least politely ask me to give him some room… you know… like being courteous or shits like that. I could have tried to be benevolent by giving him a little bit of space, but I chose not to. Instead, I turned to him and said “Damn, this toilet is too small and crowded, isn’t it ?”.

That’s some message with veiled sarcasm… but he was too shallow to comprehend that …and just responded with a menial nod coupled with a smile.

Told ya, potatoes are better.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 15 Comments
June 7, 2005

heavenly awards

It seems like a fad nowadays to have awards for virtually everything in our lives – movies, music, places, community services, best looking pets, you name it. And recently, the craze seems to have infected the blogosphere as well. Suddenly, everyone’s so hyped about it … like it’s a “yeah” thing to have.

Not wanting to miss out the fun, I decided to give out my own version of awards too. Here’s the list of them (randomly).

The Itchiest Body Part Award
Our itchy back. It never ceases to amaze me, why our back’s always readily itchy when we scratch them. It doesn’t matter when you do it, once you scratch it, you’ll long for more. And it feels so fucking good scratching your back. Some would vote for balls but… our balls aren’t always itchy (especially when it’s hard and corrugated like that)

The Weirdest Human Anatomy Award
No doubt our bollocks. It’s ever changing shape, texture and condition… is unlike any other human parts I have ever seen. Eg: When it feels cold, it will look like a dehydrated prune. But when it feels hot, it will turn soft and sags like a teabag. Simply awesome.

The Most Mysterious Phenomenon Award
The urge to crash/sleep after sex. I do not know what’s the logic behind it. I mean, even if we ran a whole field’s worth of soccer game, you won’t feel the kind of fatigue that we guys suffer after a satisfying round of sex. It feels as if you’ve just came out from steaming inside a sauna for a few days…

The Best Fruit Award
Durian. It’s definitely the most badass fruit in the universe. It tastes like you’re on your way to heaven and it makes you forget all your worries when you’re whacking it. What makes it even more awesome is the post digestion period – the nasty gas from your belches and farts could render paralysis to a full grown skunk.

The Motherfuckest Road user Award
It has to be the motorcyclists. No shit about that. They would fucking ride in the middle of the road, shove into your lane without warning, chat with each other riding their bike side by side, snatch thieving, participate in illegal racing, you name it. Like, who doesn’t hate motorcyclists ? They truly deserve this award.

The Best Tasting Animal Award
I had a hard time to decide between a dog and a snake. But after much deliberations, I finally decided that dogs taste better than snake. It tasted very much like a cross between beef & pig trotters, but with a much firmer texture and uplifting aroma. (it’s dark layer of fat are pretty nasty though).

Best Horror Movie Award
The original “Evil Dead” by Sam Raimi. Though it’s graphics may look pretty lame in today’s world, but it has the element of scare that no other horror movies have. I must have watched this movie for more than a hundred times…

Best Comedy Award
“Baseketball”. Watched it on some VCD that I borrowed from a friend. The only movie that made me laughed till I almost black out. Starred by the dudes who invented South Park. Forgot most of the story. Still looking for the DVD.

Best Action Movie Award
The most badass and violent action movie of them all, has to be “Saving Private Ryan”. The movie shares a generous amount of violence and the gores are so unbelievably real. This movie has since been my benchmark for all action-based movies and to date, has yet to meet it’s match. Simply awesome.

That’s all I can think of. I’ll give more awards when I feel like doing it…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 12 Comments
June 6, 2005

a tribute to potatoes

Why I think a sack of potatoes makes a better boss than my current department head :

– It will not ask me stupid questions at the end of my presentations like “Why didn’t you foresee those problems coming etc etc ?” – which, I’ll have to explain that I’m not some kind of wizard that could predict the future and expect the unexpected.

– A sack of potatoes may be as dumb as my department head (sometimes smarter), but at least it’s quiet and doesn’t try to act smart in front of us.

– I will not lose my job if I punch a bag of potatoes.

– A lot of people like potatoes. But very few people (or no-one) like my department head.

– Potassium inside potatoes is good for our nerve functions. The shits inside my department head is good for nothing.

– A sack of potatoes will not send me emails asking me questions that require ‘urgent’ response (hint: cellphone).

– A sack of potatoes will not call me on my cellphone even if it’s the most urgent of matters. They just don’t give a fuck.

– A sack of potatoes doesn’t have halitosis.

– A potato have dysfunctional eyes that see nothing. My department head have dysfunctional eyes that sees none of my strength and all of my negative traits.

– I will not feel embarrassed to bring a sack of potatoes to a cross functional meeting because I know it will remain quiet throughout the meeting without making an ass out of itself.

– If I ever got pissed and boil that sack of potatoes with hot water, I’ll get rich carbohydrate food out of it. If I boil my department head, I lose my future and freedom.

Life is like a volume of water. It pretty much becomes of what it flows into. Mine had just spilled onto a pile of dirt.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 8 Comments
June 4, 2005

neighbour gripe

Hell, I was trying to watch some TV when my neighbor cranked up his stereo volume pumping up some really annoying music. Some stupid kiddy songs. You know, London bridge is fucking collapsing or that “This Old Man” song with heavily modified senseless lyrics.. that type of shit.

This is all because of their obnoxious daughter. I don’t understand… she’s like what ?…6 years old already? Why is she still digging this type of kindergarten shit ? At this age, she should be learning how to perform house chores… like doing the laundry, wash the fucking car, clean up the house or something.

But my neighbor, he doesn’t think so. He would teach his daughter how to recklessly squeal like some cryptological primate that jumps & stomps around loudly whenever she’s feeling happy. And he would buy her heaps of Barney the prehistorical purple lizard karaoke flick to keep her content or shits like that – which he would occasionally joins in to spastically sing together (swallow this – he even tries to mimic his voice like Barney’s). Fucking hell.

I don’t know what is my neighbor thinking. What exactly is it that makes him think singing those gaudy and meaningless stupid tunes could teach their kid something useful ? How to think like a kindergarten kid even when she’s already grown up ?? Some people just do not deserve to breed at all. They ought to be born as a plant instead …

*I have to gripe it here because I know I can’t do anything about them. As annoying as they can be, it would make me look like a real contemptible beatnik if I confront them about their stupid Barney songs. That’s because everyfuckingbody perceives Barney as a good character who is perfectly harmless for their kids.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 12 Comments
June 3, 2005

a rubber camera with lube

I took some photographs of my notebook and sent it to a curious friend… who wanted to buy a brand new notebook that is the same model as mine… (friend’s name was changed to protect her innocence…)

[21:56] abc : wat camera u used to take tht pic?
[21:57] michael : ixus500
[21:57] michael : u want pic of its display ?

I was offering to get a couple more snapshots of the notebook display…

[21:58] abc : sure if u can take
[21:58] abc : i can check out the quality of cam also

The pic turned out distorted, and I was kinda lazy to take more shots… so I fabricated some “techie” excuse to save myself some work…

[21:59] michael : hmmm ,,,
[21:59] michael : cannot
[21:59] michael : the pixels and light frequency conflicted
[21:59] michael : turned out like shit
[21:59] michael : anyway … enough to give u an idea about 700m lah …
[21:59] michael : very solid

She dug my explanation.

[22:00] abc : yeah very hard to take a pct of the display on comp right
[22:00] abc : i tried before too
[22:00] abc : im using durex camera

I was bewildered. Never had I heard of a Durex camera in my life…

[22:02] michael : durex ?
[22:02] michael : that’s a condom brand
[22:02] abc : pentax

I almost died laughing.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 7 Comments