Archive for June, 2005

June 21, 2005

close call

Man, I almost got into an accident today. I was driving on a perfectly straight road when suddenly, my colleague Wilson gave out a loud cry “OH MY FUCKING GOD WE’RE GONNA DIEEE !!!” (something like that). When I quickly turned my head towards his direction (passenger seat) at that split second, sure enough, I acknowledged his hysteria. Yes, we’re fucking gonna die.

Not because I saw a speeding car heading towards my direction but, a big picture of me getting death sentence for snapping that motherfucker’s neck for wrecking my precious Lorraine. But my reflex was good, you know, I actually subconsciously floored the accelerator and made a fishtail maneuver that pretty much averted collision by just an inch or so …

Everyone inside my car was basically petrified by the fact we had a close call of … whatever. It appeared that the vehicle that almost hit us, didn’t actually stop at the STOP-LOOK-GO junction and sped right through it.

Pissed, I quickly meandered through the maze of smaller lanes to catch up with that abominable reckless driver … in full hope of pulling right beside it close enough for me to fling my steering lock at his/her windscreen … or at least show the driver a big finger.

I did better than that. I actually managed to pull right in front of that car and checked it out through my rear view mirror. Guess what I saw behind that steering ?

A HOUSEWIFE WITH AN UNSTRAPPED TODDLER CLIMBING AROUND THE PASSENGER SEAT.

Hell, can you imagine what could have happened if the collision were to actually take place ? Sure enough, Lorraine would have been wrecked pretty bad. But what about that kid ? The kid’s gonna crash through the windscreen like a rag doll, splatter his brain all over my car and getting himself wasted just because his retarded mother didn’t know how to fucking stop at a STOP-LOOK-GO junction.

And this lady was supposed to be somebody’s parent. Can you actually believe that ? That damn bitch ought to have her clit amputated off with a blunt ice-cream scoop. FUCK !

You bunch of spastic housewives out there… listen, if you want to operate a vehicle with your kid in it, make sure that little monster is strapped safely onto the child safety seat. And comply the traffic rules, cunts…

*I did nothing to that housewife in the end. That’s because I do not want to set a bad example to that housewife’s kid.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 20 Comments

star

I got a star !! I got a star !! I got a fucking star for my Mandarin exam !! Wooooo !!! This is so rewarding. More than words can say. More than money can pay. More than ass can sway. WOoooo !!

I think I’ll have a very bright future with that star.

update::

The lecturer jotted a couple of Chinese characters beside the star. I don’t frigging know what’s that supposed to mean. My best guesses are:

1) freaking awesome !
2) you rawk !
3) fucking good !
4) damn impressive !
5) absolutely amazing !

Guess I’ll just ask Emily later.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 31 Comments
June 20, 2005

proton keranda

*this is a continuation from yesterday’s post*

If you haven’t already noticed, there has been quite a number of odd and unappealing models from Proton that have generated very disappointing sales over the years. Like that piece of junk, Juwara. I’m not sure if it’s looking more like a washing machine or a casket, but what I’m sure is, one has got to be real messed up to even think of purchasing it.

I mean, who in their right mind would think such a design would reap great success in the market ? Like come on, with that kind of shape ? It’s like buying an overpriced non-functional washing machine that unnecessarily travels to places… or an air-conditioned mobile coffin. Whatever you want to call it.

But then, the greatest mistake was not actually on the design. It’s actually the way it’s being marketed. It’s all wrong. You see, with a little bit of an ingenious tweak, this odd looking piece of junk could probably sell like a hotcake. Or possibly, even etch a name in the international market. How ? Ask engineers like me and Wilson.

For instance, we could optimistically make that thing to function like how people originally perceived it to be. Yes, as you smart people might have already guessed from the title of this entry, as a funeral car. We would aptly rename it as Proton Keranda (keranda = coffin in Malay). Here’s some of Proton Keranda’s additional features that my colleague Wilson and I had came up with :

– It is somewhat popular for a Taoist funeral procession to have a funeral car that wails out religious mantras out in public. To cater that need, the Proton Keranda will be equipped with 2 pairs of amplified 3 way component speakers that are capable of generating 10,000 watt of combined auditory output (with surround and THX) that can reach devoted mourners from a mile away. Just pop in a CD, and that’s it. No modifications needed.

– The vehicle also incorporates a build-in hydraulic lift that has the capability of lifting a 1000 kg load. Like, who knows if the deceased guy might be the size of Triple H times 2, stuffed in a coffin made of pure gold or something like that ? Would you be looking around for a hundred Banglas to lift that darn thing up ? If you have the money, can you even stand their puke inducing perspiration odor (that’s like A HUNDRED BANGLAS we’re talking about here…). A hydraulic lift would definitely be more economic and practical.

– Folded joss papers are very popular in the Chinese culture. One of the vital ingredients to honor the dead. As we all know, folding these papers can be quite a challenge especially for those who can’t even fold their own clothes for nuts. But with a Proton Keranda, nobody should even worry about folding anything. Just load a stack of those joss paper into a feeder located inside the cabin, and automatically, the machine will fold the joss papers into a pre-programmed design and dispenses it into a big bag for usage later.

– Then there are also a certain type of people who would want their deceased one to be cremated only like a week after death to make way for a longer funeral ceremony. That’s because sometimes, the deceased might be expecting his/her kin returning from a foreign country to pay him/her the last respect. In this case, the uniformed temperature stabilizer and dehumidifier inside the main cabin will be an added advantage to preserve the corpse at its tip-top condition, so that the tardy kin would remember his croaked old man/lady as a good looking person, not as a half decomposed maggot infested corpse.

– Getting the box up on the vehicle is one thing, getting it off is another. Like any conventional funeral car, Proton Keranda also came pre-installed with a electrically driven conveyor belt, should there ever be a need to roll the casket into a connecting furnace or something (sea, ocean, government office, etc).

– Old funeral cars often come as a standard (manual gearshifts and shits). That’s not really practical when you’re suppose to do like 10kph in a procession for the mourners to weep. (imagine the funeral car driver fall asleep and releases the clutch. Vehicle will jerk violently resulting the corpse catapulting out from the vehicle…) Taking account of this inconvenience, Proton Keranda has been designed with an auto low-speed cruise interface, where the fuel line is digitally custom controlled with precision components to ensure that the vehicle doesn’t jerk or stall at low speed cruise to ensure a smooth funeral procession.

– There will also be a 21 inch plasma display at the front of the vehicle to exhibit the commemorative photos and videos of the deceased. All you got to do was to load up images into the DVDROM located inside the console of the vehicle, and the graphics will be instantly projected on the plasma screen. No more black and white dull photos. (Heck, the dead guy can even pre-frabricate his/her own orbituary MTV featuring his/her favorite song. This can be done during the well stage of a person’s life like the insurance concept).

– air ionizer, deodorizer, etc etc.

With all those features offered, I’m very sure Proton Keranda will soon be an internationally acclaimed funeral car in the world in no time. And Proton no longer have to cower in shame of it’s negative image. Eg :

Dumbass : “Man, that vehicle sure looks like a funeral car !”

Smartass : “Well, that’s because it’s a funeral car you moron.”

Dumbass : “Owh, my bad” [proceed to kill himself]

Now who needs a Volvo for a funeral ?

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 10 Comments
June 19, 2005

proton savvy

I was loitering around Carrefour during my office lunchtime on Friday… seeking for the meaning of life when I saw something at a corner of the alfresco section of the complex. It was a Proton Savvy – the latest model released by our infamous national carmaker which I have yet to check out. Apparently, there was somekind of promotion/exhibition shit going right there and I could see an asylum of annoying people flocking around that automobile; knocking and copping a feel on it despite the fact that they have absolutely no intention of purchasing it. Bunch of inconsiderate bums.

And because I still had plenty of time left, I decided to walk over to check out the car; knocking and copping a feel on it despite the fact that I have absolutely no intention of purchasing it.

What can I say … it’s disappointing. The first thing that dumbfucked me was the engine compartment (or whatever you call that under the hood). I couldn’t help but notice that the finishing of the engine cover and the aircon unit next to it, was very dull and crude. It looked like the work of some kindergarten kids with cans of low quality aerosol paints. Well, maybe the rest of the car could be better, I then thought, and so I moved on to the next part of the car – the interior.

At the first glance, the interior reminded me a lot of Proton Saga. Cheap plastics everywhere. But at a closer inspection, I realized that I was wrong. It’s actually much worse than that. The plastics reminded me of those low quality pirated DVD cover that has an awful smell. And that big hole above the glove compartment wasn’t at all impressive. It’s really hard to explain but, it’s unbelievable that this piece of crap is being sold for over RM40 grands ! What a rip off !

A little stroll towards the back portion of the vehicle reaped no good impression either.

– The space at the rear passenger seat was like of a plane’s economy class – you’ll pretty much get more frustration than a round of good sex if you ever decided to get adventurous inside this car.

– The trunk was unbelievably small. You can’t even store half of your mother-in-law in it. Well, unless your mother-in-law’s a midget, you’ll probably have to strap her on top of your vehicle roof if there ever is a need for you to discard your MIL’s body after killing her.

Savvy ? An illusion perhaps. To me, this is just another addition to the collection of junks under Proton’s brand. If you were to ask me, I’d say spend that RM40,000 on a used Japanese car. Or a really nice brand new bike.

*I know nothing technical under that hood. This review was made based on my gutfeel as a driver (and owner) of a Japanese car for more than 10 years. Certainly, a little tinge of quality know-hows helped a lot to differentiate what is a junk and what is not.

michaelooi  | automobiles  | 81 Comments
June 17, 2005

fish n chips

I was having my breakfast with the guys today, when Ted came ambling with a plate of fish n’ chips. Elliot, apparently thrilled with the sight of something he had not seen in ages, remarked:

Elliot : “Wahh… Ted, that’s an awesome piece of chicken chop !”

Alright, anyone with an IQ above 10 knew that whatever on Ted’s plate was anything but a piece of “chicken chop”. I was benign enough to correct Elliot on that…

Me : “Errr… Elliot, that’s not a chicken chop. It’s a plate of fish n’ chips.”

Elliot : “Ouh … it definitely looks like a chicken chop to me…” [laughs hysterically]

Me : “Nooo Elliot you idiot. A chicken chop does not look like this. It looks like your fat face… ”

Kidding. Of course I didn’t say that. That’s just not my style. I was actually more diplomatic than that …

Me : “Elliot… I repeat : That’s a plate of fish n’ chips.”

Elliot : “Alright. So, is it made of chicken meat or something ?”

I almost choked.

Me : “It’s made from the meat of a wild boar…”

Elliot : “You’re joking, right ?”

Me : “It’s called FISH N’ CHIPS goddamnit… what do you think it’s supposed to be made of?? What the hell is wrong with you??”

Elliot : [sheepish grin]

I think he hasn’t got a brain in his noggin. Instead, he has a very big tumor filling the space inside his skull… full of festering pus and rotting cells. Any worm or slug would definitely be more intelligent than him.

michaelooi  | characters  | 13 Comments