*long post, don’t bitch

11 years old. Young and innocent. It was still early and I was running around the courtyard playing with my bunch of friends like I always did every morning (before the school bell rings). But that morning, I was a little too fast and a bit careless. I stepped on a discarded plastic bag while negotiating a corner. The outcome ? It was a badass fall that I’ll remember till today. Possible even the rest of my life.

No I didn’t broke my leg or something. It was my pride that was broken. I got up to discover that I had a large split behind my tight uniform shorts, revealing my bare ass to the whole wide school. (Yes, I still haven’t don my underwear yet at that age). I immediately covered up and took a moment to think - what should I do ? No I haven’t got a sewing kit or anything… and even if I have it, I can’t sew for nuts. And I still have the whole day to go at school ! No way I’m gonna be able to hide that big ass split ! I’m doomed !

Well, I study in an all-boys school alright. But to the mind of an 11 years old, getting into a boner like this is akin to a death sentence back then. No way I’m gonna let my fellow friends laugh me stupid about this. I was thinking hard of how not to let that happen. But as time was ticking away with me standing in that awkward pose, I started to get that strange stare from my friends. I still remembered one of my Indian friend actually came by to ask if I’m alright … But I acted up, told him that I’m about to bust my rectum and needed to shit right away.

I literally skedaddled off, shifting my problems along into the toilet booth, which had this small window overlooking the assembly area. It was inside that miserable locked toilet booth that I started to confront my predicament. Mobile phones weren’t really invented after the 90’s and the only means of calling for SOS was from the principal’s office dial phone - which was located a whole distance away through the crowd of obnoxious school kids. No way I’m gonna go all the way there by myself to call for help. It’s not going to work.

So, I resorted to the last option - asking for somebody’s help. Somebody who doesn’t know me. And so, I made that “psst psst” noise from inside that toilet booth, to whoever that passes by that small window. (Yeah, just like what that pimp did to me in front of KL Beach club). A dude answered my call. He was needless to say, bemused with the fact that there’s someone actually trying to establish somekind of a primitive communication with him from inside a toilet window. I was motherfuckingly charming alright, and I managed to persuade him to get a prefect for me.

When that prefect was right outside the window, I explained everything to him - that I got a very badly torn pants and I was basically naked at my nether regions.

“How about your underwear ?”
“I didn’t wear one”

He gave out a snigger and told me that he’ll check out with the principal if there’s anything he can help. He kinda told me that the principal might have some spare pants in his office - as backup for those kids who shit in their pants. He told me if I’m not that unlucky, I can have that pair of shorts and return it on the next day.

And off he went to the principal’s office… only to return 20 minutes later with a spare pants - which was wayyyy after the school bell went off. I remembered that I berated him for taking such a long time which he counter attacked me with

“Hey, I was attending my duties, alright ? Just shut up… ”

But I knew it will be very unwise to fuck with him… and so, I accepted his minute mortification (considering the fact that he actually had saved me from a much bigger one) and went to the principal’s office. The principal, half sniggering, gave me a few smart-ass lectures which stresses the point about the advantage of wearing an underwear, and also how not to behave like an unleashed mad dog running around inside the school compound …

He then let me off with a reminder to return his spare pants, and I ran off quickly like an unleashed mad dog back to my class… got in late with an excuse that I had busted my rectum and got busy inside the toilet. I was never questioned.

Lesson learnt :
1) Littering sucks. A plastic bag may not choke a turtle or a dugong, but it will cause grave consequences to innocent people. Like me, or worse, some old people that may eventually fall to their death or something. Be more considerate…
2) The principal may be the worst dude in your school, but he might be also your only saviour when you’re in your deepest of trouble. So, think twice before you decide to vandalize his car…
3) Never wear an undersized pants. If it’s tight, fucking change it already. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Following was overheard from behind my desk this morning…

Milkboy : “Damn, the whole city was covered in thick haze today”

Elliot : “Yeah hor … I wondered who is burning so much garbage out there…”

o_O”

That gives you an idea how hazy Elliot’s brain is … and oh, have I told you people that I once caught him trying to pour his glass of “teh tarik” into his plate of fried noodle when someone claimed that it’s too salty ?

When I asked him about it, he told me that he thought that glass of “teh tarik” could probably neutralize the salt content of that fried noodle…

****

I’m gonna be attending a wedding dinner tonight with the BODs. Gonna be plenty of drinking. And I’m still traumatized by my last round of alcohol intoxication…

Charles said that taking spirulina tablets prior a drinking event helps to stiffen your immune for getting zonked. Not sure if it really works.

If it doesn’t, then it’s gonna be a real boner. That’s because my puke’s gonna be green in colour and people might mistaken me as pulling a Linda Blair stuff on them. And they’re gonna whack me stupid thinking that I’m being possessed by an ancient ghost or something…

Ughh…

I was heading down to town last night to the ATM when I was slowed down by a small car in front of me. A Kancil, who was moving right in the middle of 2 lanes at negative 5 kph, couldn’t decide which lane to take, and end up hogging the road & crippling the traffic.

I wasn’t in a hurry so, I kinda played nice with her (driver was an Indian housewife). Probably she has some medical problems that crippled her mind slower - I thought. I followed along and waited. But my benevolence was taken for granted. About 10 seconds later, Mrs. Parkinson-brain still didn’t budge from her middle lane maneuver… and she didn’t go any faster either. It went on until she almost reaches a junction where a small truck (in front of her’s) fired up a right signal to turn (which was some distance away) and then she fucking braked. Stopped right in the middle of the road.

That was when I snapped. I changed my mind about being nice. I overtook her car and pulled beside to give her a taste of my air horn. From the way she reacted, I reckoned that she probably sustained a temporary heart failure or something … almost an instantaneous effect, I can see fumes billowing out from her nostrils. Out of frustration, she switched on her high beam when I was disappearing in front of her … probably fantasizing that it’s gonna make my car explode or something.

It did me no harm, of course. But she was very screwed up. So extreme that she actually forgot to switch off her high-beams after that. (as I can see her from my rear view mirror far away). She actually sped up after that (with that high beam still on), and was trying to chase after me for retaliation. But somehow, out of the confuckulated situation, I managed to slow down and stealthily weave behind her for ONE MORE TIME.

This round, I used her favourite weapon - HIGH BEAM. Not just any high beam but, The High Beam. A super concentrated high intensity photon beam that could temporary blind a person. And because my Lorraine was very much taller than her car, you can imagine how bad it was for her. I tailgated her for about 300 - 400 meters… when she did something that pretty much dumbfucked me.

Alright, let’s calibrate ourselves here before we conclude if she’s really stupid - When you have someone behind you with a high-beam, what would you normally do ? A typical reaction would be to flip your rear-view mirror to the night mode, right ? Or at least swerve your car out of that high-beam’s line of direction. But this housewife, she didn’t do that. Instead, she COVERED HER REAR VIEW MIRROR with her LEFT HAND… while maneuvering her car with her right hand.

I was basically withered by her acts. Almost instantly, there’s this pang of conscience hitting my head like a club. It made me felt like punching a little kid for a candy… and the feeling sucks. I was thinking, if she’s really that stupid, what makes it impossible for her to jump out from her vehicle and roll on the tarmac like a Hollywood stuntman ? Fuck. I’d be damned if that happens.

That thought prompted me to switch off my high-beam… and finally made a turn into a junction, disappearing into the night, leaving that terrorized housewife alone.

Parkinson housewife, if you’re reading this, please accept my apology for my social misconduct. I deeply regretted my action (high-beaming your Kancil’s ass) last night and I swear I’ll never to that again to you. (but I’ll still do the honk thing though… that’s because you reacted very well…)

Some American dude posted this in my “Rambo” post a while ago :

Dude you suck. Rambo kicks ass. No shit it wasn’t real, that’s why it was a fucking movie. Oh and by the way they do exist. Stop fucking with the childhood dreams of millions of Americans. I’m US ARMY SPECIAL FORCES you little Bitch.
SFC Dick Johnson

And here’s my reply to him.

hey dick. fuck you. not only rambo sucked big time, but you and your spastic childhood dreams as well.

US ARMY SPECIAL FORCES MY ASS.

Welcome to Asia, Dick.

Teaching has always been a fun thing for me.

Me : “Know what does the term ‘write abort’ means dude ?”

New engineer : “Errmm, not really”

Me : “Basically, it means that your harddrive has a fake bad sector.”

New engineer : [nods]

Me : “It happens when the power is abruptly cut off during a write operation, resulting an incomplete sector, which the stupid harddrive will mistaken it as fucked, and proceed to mark it as a bad sector.”

New engineer : [nods repeatedly]

Me : “Now, how often could that be happening ? Who in their right mind would power off their computer during a write operation ?”

New engineer : “Errrr, no idea”

Me : “Ok, let’s throw in an example. Some kid surfing porn inside his room, and his mom barges into the room without knocking. What’s his first reaction ? Power off the goddamn computer. It’s a hardcoded reflex of any male surfer in this world.”

New engineer : “Ouh …”

Me : “And because he’s downloading porn, his harddrive would definitely be performing a write operation. When he powers his computer off, his harddrive will get a write abort. Now, does that seem like a possible scenario to you ?”

New engineer : [nods repeatedly]

Me : “That is why, we are seeing so many write abort rejects from our customers. Porn corrupts not only the soul, but our hardwares as well…”

Then, all out of a sudden, my technician Milkboy chips into our mentor-apprentice privileged discussion …

Milkboy : “The fella could just switch off the monitor, right ?”

Me : “You stupid fuck, what if it arouses your mom’s suspicion and she turns on the monitor herself ?? You’re gonna get free publicity from her. Fucking up a harddrive is definitely a better choice than getting all the bad publicity…”

Milkboy : [nods]

Me : “Remember, never ever let your parents catch you surfing porn redhandedly. They might have already knew about it but, getting caught is entirely a different thing… got it ?”

Both : [nod]

I think I rawked harder than any of their college lecturers. Their future will never be dim in my pair of good hands…