June 26, 2005

big ass split

11 years old. Young and innocent. It was still early and I was running around the school courtyard playing with my bunch of friends like I always did every morning (before the school bell rings). But that morning, I was a little too fast and a bit careless. I stepped on a discarded plastic bag while negotiating a corner. The outcome ? It was a badass fall that I’ll remember till today. Possible even the rest of my life.

No I didn’t break my leg or something. It was my pride that was broken. I got up to discover that I had a large split behind my tight uniform shorts, revealing my bare ass to the whole wide school. (No, I did not wear an underwear to school yet at that time). I immediately covered up and took a moment to think – what should I do? No I did not have a sewing kit or anything… and even if I did, I couldn’t sew for nuts. And I still had the whole day to go at school! No way I was gonna be able to hide that big ass split ! I thought I was doomed!

Well, I studied in an all-boys school alright. But to the mind of an 11 year old, getting into a boner like this is akin to a death sentence. No way I was gonna let my fellow friends laugh me stupid about this. I was thinking hard on how not to let that happen. But as time was ticking away with me standing in that awkward pose, I started to get that strange stare from my friends. I still remember one of my Indian friend actually came by to ask if I’m alright… But I acted up, told him that I was about to bust my rectum and needed to shit right away.

I literally skedaddled off, shifted my problems into the toilet booth, which had this small window overlooking the assembly area. It was inside that miserable locked toilet booth that I started to confront my predicament. Mobile phones weren’t invented until after the 90’s and the only means of calling for SOS was from the principal’s office dial phone – which was located a whole distance away through the crowd of obnoxious school kids. No way I was gonna go all the way there by myself to call for help. It’s not going to work.

So, I resorted to the last option – asking for somebody’s help. Somebody who didn’t know me. And so, I made that “psst psst” noise from inside that toilet booth, to whoever that passes by that small window. (Yeah, just like how that pimp did to me in front of KL Beach club). A dude answered my call. He was needless to say, bemused with the fact that there’s someone actually trying to establish some kind of primitive communication with him from inside a toilet window. I was motherfuckingly charming alright, and I managed to persuade him to get a prefect for me.

When that prefect was right outside the window, I explained everything to him – that I got a pair of very badly torn pants and I was basically naked at my nether regions.

“How about your underwear ?”
“I’m not wearing one”

He gave out a snigger and told me that he’ll check with the principal if there’s anything can be done. He kinda told me that the principal might have some spare pants in his office – as backup for those kids who shit in their pants. He told me if I’m not that unlucky, I could a pair of those spare pants and return it the next day.

And off he went to the principal’s office… only to return 20 minutes later with a spare pants – which was wayyyy after the school bell went off. I remembered that I berated him for taking such a long time which he counter attacked me with

“Hey, I was attending my duties, alright? Just shut up… ”

But I knew it would be very unwise of me to fuck with him… and so, I accepted his minute mortification (considering the fact that he actually had saved me from a much bigger one) and went to the principal’s office. The principal, half sniggering, gave me a few smart-ass lectures which stresses the point about the advantage of wearing an underwear, and also how not to behave like an unleashed mad dog running around inside the school compound …

He then let me off with a reminder to return the spare pants, and I ran off quickly like an unleashed mad dog back to my class… got in late with an excuse that I had a bad case of diarrhea and got busy inside the toilet. I was never questioned.

Lesson learnt :
1) Littering sucks. A plastic bag may not choke a turtle or a dugong, but it will cause grave consequences to innocent people. Like me, or worse, some old people that may eventually fall to their death or something. Be considerate…
2) The principal may be the worst dude in your school, but he might be also your only savior when you’re in your deepest of trouble. So, think twice before you decide to vandalize his car…
3) Never wear an undersized pants. If it’s tight, fucking change it already. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

15 Comments to “big ass split”

  1. sarah says:

    once, i was running up some stairs, skipping steps as i went, because i was real late, only to get my baju kurung’s sarung tear at the side. it was a small tear at first, but with every step i took, it got bigger. in less than half an hour the tear reached all the way to the waistband. i had to resort to stapler-ing the tear. luckily no one noticed ;)

  2. sj says:

    Shouldn’t “always wear underwear” be a lesson too? In primary school, my pinafore once got hooked onto the sharp corner of a canteen table, which tore a big hole out of it. Lucky for me, it was on the side and i was wearing shorts underneath.

  3. Amber says:

    Aiyo! 11 years old still don’t want to wear underwear ar. lol! What happens when you unzip/zip?

  4. kai hong says:

    Hehehe !!!

    “3) Never wear an undersized pants. If it’s tight, fucking change it already. Don’t wait until it’s too late.” Hehehe !!!

    “3) Never wear an undersized pants. If it’s tight, fucking change it already. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”

  5. strawroot says:

    it wasnt so bad, i once knocked into a tiang when i was walking and talking in primary school and had resulted a big swollen thing on my head. luckily my mom was sch canteen boss then, so i was kinda rescued, but all the teachers laughed their assess off.

  6. michaelooi says:

    sarah / strawroot – Hey, I noticed that I sort of made you girls confess something that you’ve done in the pass … Man, this rawks !

    sj = Not really. When you know you’re about to get a steamy night with you partner, underwear’s gonna take up too much time.

    amber – We tuck. Don’t you know that ?

    kai hong – I don’t know. It still worked till this day.

  7. ppp says:

    Hahahahahahha thank goodness I always had the priviledge of changing my school pants every year – and i like baggy pants.

    Thanks for giving me a laugh – just taking a break after reading 300 powerpoint slides for an exam tomorrow. ARGHGHGHG!!!

  8. phangan says:

    LOL… looks like i’m not the only kid with split pants during primary skool… :P

  9. Primrose says:

    Oh, and don’t wear polyester underpants. No good to scrotum and sperm production wor. Read it in the Borneo post today. Heh!

  10. ShaolinTiger says:

    Please also note undersized pants causes overheating in the testicular region leading to sterility!

  11. zbjernak says:

    hahahahhahahaha… funny incident…

    lesson learnt : Do not run like a mad dog in school

  12. michaelooi says:

    ppp – I know lar, you’re a rich guy’s son… ok ?

    phangan – No lar, you’re not. I once got my balls hanging out when there’s a split directly beneath my gooch area … but that’s a story for another time.

    primrose/shaolin – Cotton rulez. I always knew that.

    zb – Note: only no running in school compound. Outside ok.

  13. fish fish says:

    OMG! 11 yo still tak pakai seluar dalam. You really wanna let that part develop to the full is it? Muahahahhaa…

    Btw, did you mean you have vandalized you principal’s car before? :P

  14. michaelooi says:

    fish fish – No lar, I’ve never vandalized any of my school teachers’ properties before. But I admit that I’ve flung countless pieces of chalks at them in the classroom. ;)

  15. kimberlycun says:

    nowadays, they (males n females alike) split it on purpose.

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