*this is a continuation from yesterday’s post*

If you haven’t already noticed, there has been quite a number of odd & unappealing models from Proton that has generated very disappointing sales over the years. Like that piece of junk, Juwara. I’m not sure if it’s looking more like a washing machine or a casket, but what I’m sure is, one has got to be real messed up to even think of purchasing it.

I mean, who in their right mind would think such a design would reap great success in the market ? Like come on, with that kind of shape ? It’s like buying an overpriced non-functional washing machine that unnecessarily travels to places… or an air-conditioned mobile coffin. Whatever you want to call it.

But then, the greatest mistake was not actually on the design. It’s actually the way it’s being marketed. It’s all wrong. You see, with a little bit of an ingenious tweak, this odd looking piece of junk could probably sell like a hotcake. Or possibly, even etch a name on the international market. How ? Ask engineers like me and Wilson.

For instance, we could optimistically make that thing to function like how people originally perceived it to be. Yes, as you smart people might have already guessed from the title of this entry, as a funeral car. We would aptly rename it as Proton Keranda (keranda = coffin in Malay). Here’s some of Proton Keranda’s additional features that my colleague Wilson & I had came up with :

- It is somewhat popular for a Taoist funeral procession to have a funeral car that wails out religious mantras out in public. To cater that need, the Proton Keranda will be equipped with 2 pairs of amplified 3 way component speakers that are capable of generating 10,000 watt of combined auditory output (with surround and THX) that can reach devoted mourners from a mile away. Just pop in a CD, and that’s it. No modifications needed.

- The vehicle also incorporates a build-in hydraulic lift that has the capability of lifting a 1000 kg load. Like, who knows if the deceased guy might be the size of Triple H times 2, stuffed in a coffin made of pure gold or something like that ? Would you be looking around for a hundred Banglas to lift that darn thing up ? If you have the money, can you even stand their puke inducing perspiration odour (that’s like A HUNDRED BANGLAS we’re talking about here…). A hydraulic lift would definitely be more economic & practical.

- Folded joss papers are very popular in the Chinese culture. One of the vital ingredients to honour the dead. As we all know, folding these papers can be quite a challenge especially for those who can’t even fold their own clothes for nuts. But with a Proton Keranda, nobody should even worry about folding anything. Just load a stack of those joss paper into a feeder located inside the cabin, and automatically, the machine will fold the joss papers into a pre-programmed design and dispenses it into a big bag for usage later.

- Then there are also a certain type of people who would want their deceased one to be cremated only like a week after death to make way for a longer funeral ceremony. That’s because sometimes, the deceased might be expecting his/her kin returning from a foreign country to pay him/her the last respect. In this case, the uniformed temperature stabilizer and dehumidifier inside the main cabin will be an added advantage to preserve the corpse at it’s tip-top condition, so that the tardy kin would remember his croaked old man/lady as a good looking person, not as a half decomposed maggot infested corpse.

- Getting the box up on the vehicle is one thing, getting it off is another. Like any conventional funeral car, Proton Keranda also came pre-installed with a electrically driven conveyor belt, should there ever be a need to roll the casket into a connecting furnace or something (sea, ocean, government office, etc).

- Old funeral cars often come as a standard (manual gearshifts and shits). That’s not really practical when you’re suppose to do like 10kph in a procession for the mourners to weep. (imagine the funeral car driver fall asleep and releases the clutch. Vehicle will jerk violently resulting the corpse catapulting out from the vehicle…) Taking account of this inconvenience, Proton Keranda has been designed with an auto low-speed cruise interface, where the fuel line is digitally custom controlled with precision components to ensure that the vehicle doesn’t jerk or stall at low speed cruise to ensure a smooth funeral procession.

- There will also be a 21 inch plasma display at the front of the vehicle to exhibit the commemorative photos & videos of the deceased. All you got to do was to load up images into the DVDROM located inside the console of the vehicle, and the graphics will be instantly projected on the plasma screen. No more black and white dull photos. (Heck, the dead guy can even pre-frabricate his/her own orbituary MTV featuring his/her favourite song. This can be done during the well stage of a person’s life like the insurance concept).

- air ionizer, deodorizer, etc etc.

With all those features offered, I’m very sure Proton Keranda will soon be an internationally acclaimed funeral car in the world in no time. And Proton no longer have to cower in shame of it’s negative image. Eg :

Dumbass : “Man, that vehicle sure looked like a funeral car !”

Smartass : “Well, that’s because it’s a funeral car you moron.”

Dumbass : “Owh, my bad” [proceed to kill himself]

Now who needs a Volvo for a funeral ?