June 1, 2005

the demise of a psychotic bear

Wilson had been missing from work for close to a week and finally came back to work today. Apparently, he took his time off to stay away from someone he’s scared of – Panda. That’s right. It was Panda’s final week with the company and he was damn worried that she might go on rampage killing everyone in the office.

But it didn’t happen of course… else there would’ve been a headline for you guys to enjoy. She did behave strangely during her final moments though. She was like… rowdier than her usual stodgy self and our lab technician, Doof, was unlucky enough to be the victim of her unconditional angst.

It happened on one fine afternoon when Doof was working in front of his computer and was suddenly pounced by Panda. She started to savagely berate him about some mistakes that he didn’t even know of. He was needless to say, scared shitless at that particular moment… and decided to just keep very still in order not to agitate her any further. He claimed that she didn’t look like wanting to reason at that moment. A close shave with death indeed.

Luckily, it’s all over now. She finally left the company yesterday. It’s spring again and Wilson is now the happiest dude in the office. But I told him not to feel too comfortable about the whole thing … as we’ll never know if Panda would return one day as a completely different person to vindicate the fuck ups that he had given to her.

Like, it’s not very difficult to have her lards and animal fats liposucked to an hourglass figure, get a boob job and some major plastic surgery to make herself look like Bo Derek – he could never guess even in his wildest dream that it’s Panda. With a little tweak of an ID, he’ll feel compelled hire her back (who can resist a sexy good looking applicant ?) and give her an opportunity to ensnare him with her sexual advances.

Once she manages to lure him to a bed or something, she’ll then tie his limbs up with leather straps at each corner of the bed and start to torture the daylights out of him. Some of the tortures that the BOE’s and I came up with…

– inflict wounds on his dick with a paper cutter, then slowly sprinkle salt, pepper and other seasonings onto it.
– slowly toast his bollocks with a Bunsen burner, then only add in the seasoning torture.
– to slowly wax off every single strand of hair on his body…
– spread heaps of sticky rice grains over his naked body, and dump in about 100 starving live chickens into that locked room.
– substitute chickens with rats.
– substitute rats with hyenas.

Something like that. He paused for a while … and then changed our discussion topic to something else.

Cues in music and roll the credit.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 

6 Comments to “the demise of a psychotic bear”

  1. moo_t says:

    BOE? Bunch of Evils?

  2. michaelooi says:

    Board Of Engineers. My camaraderie of colleagues in my workplace.

  3. tiuniasing says:

    Let’s see who’s next to work with Panda.

  4. cyingz says:

    yea he should be xtra careful as no one can predict the future. who knows maybe one day panda will be back..as a different/sexier person..and manipulate all of you..to show you guys that females are not to be messed with-girl power.(then we will have the next blog with the heading-the return of panda) hahaks..

  5. belacans says:

    pssst.. past Panda’s resume to Intel… muahahahar!

  6. ck again says:

    bo derek?! how old are you mike? but then again ….. mmmmm bo derek

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