Archive for May, 2005

May 8, 2005

diet freaks

I was accompanying a bunch of visiting friends from Ipoh to buy some local goodies at a wet market today, when I spotted a box of yummy ‘tambun biscuit’. Guarding that stall, was a porky teenager looking at me …

Me : “Excuse me, how much is that box of tambun biscuit ?” [pointing at a box of tambun biscuit]

Fat Boy : “10 bucks per box”

Me : “Alright, gimme a box of that”

Fat Boy : “Which brand do you prefer, boss ? GH or HH ?”

Me : “Gimme HH…”

HH was the more famous brand … and known to taste better as well.

Fat Boy : “Boss, you want [something inaudible] or the one made from vegetable oil ?”

I couldn’t really hear him, but from the word “vegetable oil”, I kinda know that he was trying to ask if I wanted a ‘healthier’ version of that cholesterol laden biscuit. Frankly speaking, I don’t know what makes him think that I’m a diet freak …

Me : “Gimme the one that is more dangerous”

He didn’t quite get what I was trying to tell him, and was looking at me in a confused state.

Me : “Aiyah… the one with animal lards and with higher cholesterol…”

He immediately responded with a smile and packed up my dangerous box of biscuit.

You see, I really could not understand people nowadays. Diet freaks.

What’s with those diet cokes or sugar free candies all about ? If they’re so concerned about their health, shouldn’t they be avoiding those kind of food in the first place? Those diet freaks can eat something else should they want to whine about ice creams containing too much sugar would make their ass look more rotund …

Any food with the word “diet” or “no sugar” labeled on it… is gonna taste like shit anyway, and not any better than their vegetarian diet… So, why bother ? Why can’t they just stick to drinking plain water and eating breads instead ?

Just… fucking stop the madness already. Leave our food as it is. No more diet shits.

I think they ought to be hung and shot, so that they don’t have to worry about their body figure or health no more. That’s because corpses don’t gain weight or have sky high cholesterol.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 26 Comments
May 7, 2005

“Kingdom of Heaven” (2005)

I have mixed feelings for this movie. You know, it changed my mind literally. I felt so closer to God now and I’m gonna talk to some plants tonight.

Alright, just kidding. This isn’t the type of movie which is all about religion. Sure enough, the movie contains heaps of mindless insensitive scripts (like : “Convert to Islam ! Repent later !”) that may stir a shit or two amongst those cock sucking religious bigots out there … but hell, this is a movie. A piece of entertainment … not a religious text book that was set to mess with the historical facts.

In fact, there are tonnes of contradictions in this movie… and if you are to view this piece of art like a historical critic – I bet with my ass you’re gonna think that this movie sucks. (if you’re wondering, no… I have absolutely little or no freakin’ clue at all about these Crusade shits.) But if you are to watch it with an open blank mind, you’ll probably enjoy this movie more.

So, what do I think about the whole thing ?

1) The landscapes were breathtaking and beautiful. Good cinematography (I don’t fucking know what’s that but just wanna make it sound complicated). I especially loved the ocean view in Medina, where you could actually see ships in distance and all that. Nice.

2) The battle scenes were pretty neat. Blood and gores were aplenty, and they didn’t seem to violate too much law of physics. But there were some part of it that involved the “camera shaking” effect – which kinda made me a little bit woozy and confused at times. Why can’t they just fucking screen it like how John Woo did it? You know, slow motion, and battles panning in different angles… I just want to see them bludgeoning each other, not to savor the feeling of being bludgeoned.

3) Storyline’s interesting, but a bit messed up. It felt as if everything was happening too soon … like for example, Balian (the hero) dug a well in his desolated land… and the next thing you see, his land was filled with fertile farms. You could actually feel that there’s not enough screening time to complete the movie. But then, if the movie were to be stretched into a longer screening time, or perhaps into 2 episodes, it probably would’ve been too long and boring instead.

But it was quite good overall, better than “Troy” and that gay potpourri “Alexander”. But definitely not better than “Gladiator”…

*spoiler warning in the extended section below…*
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 10 Comments
May 6, 2005

exotic names II

I wasn’t in the mood to do anything today and abandoned my work earlier than usual. Feeling extremely bored and vainly fighting with my consciousness to keep myself from sleeping, I desperately browsed our directory to look for my final source of entertainment – the China distribution lists.

What’s so special about browsing an email directory full of those loud people whom I always find it difficult to work with ? Well, the special thing is … they have funny Christian names. Seriously fucked up names.

Like “Bamboo”. That’s the first name I came across in the directory. I mean, think about it, that’s supposed to be a plant. People don’t usually name themselves after a plant… well, except for Dubya’s last name, of course. But generally, that’s something people would consider as ‘not very right’. Have you heard of anyone named Cactus ?

There’s one who actually named himself after a planet. Mars Zhang (I’ll replace all surnames with “Zhang” to protect the privacy of the individuals). I tried to search if there’s anyone named Jupiter or Asteroids, but couldn’t find any.

Some are named after the elements on our planet… Copper Zhang. Stone Zhang (counterfeit version of “The Rock” ? I don’t know…). I think I also saw Dirt Zhang somewhere, but not today though.

Futuristic names … Iceblue Zhang … Oraix Zhang … Cyber Zhang. One bloke goes by the name Hotkey Zhang. “Hey, nice to meet you, my name’s Hotkey”. Damn fucking ridiculous I tell you. In matter of years, I bet those imbeciles would even name themselves as Keyboard… or Monitor. Or maybe WindowsXP.

They even named themselves after adjectives … Shiny, Sissy, Phantom, Happy Zhang. And the naturist gang – Windy, Hill, Wood Zhang. Can you imagine if you were to introduce this whole gang of … of … people, to a visiting VIP of say, some big shot minister from a foreign country or something. “This is Shiny, Sissy, Phantom, Happy, Windy, Hill and Wood”… [dumbfucked expression]

Some even weirder names –> Journey Zhang, Legend Zhang, Sports Zhang, Powery Zhang, Waterman Zhang.. oh my fucking god, I had so much laugh in my lab.

Then there’s this group who would name themselves after their favorite animals (I think…).
Gator Zhang, Eagle Zhang, Crane Zhang, Wolf Zhang.
But the winner of all them fucking ridiculous name I saw today was – Chimpanzee Zhang (I did not make this up). I was laughing so hard in front of my screen, and wiping my tears… that I almost triggered suspicion from my lab colleagues that I was actually shirking off work.

I mean, who in their right mind would fucking name himself after a primate ?? Imagine his girlfriend bringing Mr Chimp back to meet her parents … “Father, I would like to meet my boyfriend, Chimpanzee…” Oh my fucking god.

To all the blokes from China, if you’re reading this, here are more awesome Christian names for you to adopt. Feel different. Feel special.

Hepatitis Zhang
Hemorrhoid Zhang
Cheebye Zhang
Osteoporosis Zhang

Man, I can’t think of more… you guys dump in more suggestions if you feel like helping our comrades here…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 42 Comments

jude the horrible – flexing her intellect

I walked into the office pantry to wash my mug and stumbled into Jude. She was hanging out inside there chatting with her crony. Fearing for my own safety, no … I didn’t try to be courteous to say ‘hi’ or shits like that. I just minded my own business, be done with it and got the hell out of there as soon as possible.

Like what I did every morning, I was there to get some hot water to clean up my mug. You see, I usually leave my mug on my office desk overnight, and you wouldn’t know if a lizard might masturbate into it when I am not around. So, I always take the effort to clean that piece of porcelain mug up whenever I wanted to use it.

And what we have inside the pantry is a soapbox shaped hickey which is suppose to be a ‘digital hot water dispenser’. The thing has about half a dozen buttons on it and looks like it’s intelligent or something. Big fucking deal. To get some hot water, I’ll just need to press a red button labeled as “HOT”, place my mug underneath its spout and yank the main valve.

Out came the hot water into my mug… triggering a carnage of microscopic organisms and lizard sperms. I could see the hot water vapor surging out from my mug… and that was when I heard Jude uttering something to me

Jude : “You need to check if the water’s really hot.”

I didn’t know why she said that.

Me : “Well, the red button here says it’s HOT. I guess it wouldn’t actually lie to me…would it ?”

Jude : “There was once it dispensed warm water on my mug, not hot at all… That’s why you need to check if it’s hot”

Me : “I don’t know if it’s hot, perhaps these hot water vapor might just be an illusion created by that evil machine… So, would you kindly put your hand into it to test if it’s hot… for me ?”

Jude : “Hey ! I’m not that stupid, ok ?”

I think she finally sensed the sarcasm. Her crony was already laughing like a jackass, almost to the brink of puking out her breakfast.

Me : “Look. I pressed the HOT button and the machine dispensed a mug of water that has an assload of HOT WATER VAPOR. And you’re advising me to check if it’s hot… What is wrong with you ??”

Jude : “…”

I think I’ve just indirectly told her that she’s less intelligent than the “digital hot water dispenser”…

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 9 Comments
May 4, 2005

nostalgia of something

I can’t help but notice how much our cinemas have changed over the years. What do we have back then ? Let’s go back 20 years from today …

– The cinema was divided into 2 classes. The normal class and special class. Normal class was situated at the ground floor and special class at the upper floor… both facing the same screen. The difference ? You get to watch your movie at a better viewing angle (sloped) if you’re in special class … and for hooligans, they get to spit at the normal class viewers from the upper floor.

– Cost of ticket per movie entry for normal class was just merely 3 bucks. Additional 50 cents to upgrade to special class. But they won’t allow advanced bookings though. To get a good seat, one have to either come earlier to queue up, or you have to have some intimate relationship with the ticket seller. If you’re late, not only you’d get a shittier seat but also have to endure the hot musty air that reeked of perspiration of some unwashed armpits from the crowd as well. (no air conditioning at lobby)

– Foods were allowed in the cinema. Groundnuts, fruits, noodles, steamed corns, meat floss buns, you name it. But the most popular tidbits of them all was melon seed (local name = “Kuaci”). It was fairly a common sight to see melon seed husks being littered all over the cinema floor. Sometimes, unfinished food as well… supplying a rich diet to roaches and rats alike. (yes, we would sometimes see big-ass rodents parading across the cinema hallway like some chingay possession …)

– The cinema seating system was primitively managed by a lady with an attitude, who looked as if she rode a broom to work. No computers or any technological doohickeys. The lady would select seats randomly by referring to the seat plan, and scribble the seat number on some standard tickets … then strike off the ‘used’ number accordingly on the seat plan with her crayon – so that she won’t make a mistake of issuing the same seat twice.

– The seats were extremely uncomfortable and somehow distastefully discriminating for blimps or tall people alike. They’re partially made of wood and sponge. Some even had holes on it due to vandalism, and the holes house a haven for microscopic critters that had been accumulated from thousands of asses through the years. Its smell alone was believed to be strong enough to crowbar an adult whale’s consciousness…

– There weren’t any audio standards like THX, SDDS, KNNCCB, etc back then. The audio requirement was just very simple – LOUD. The louder it is, the better. And I remember that Rex was the cinema (in Penang) that took all the cakes of motherfucking loud audio system. If you’re in for movies like Indiana Jones or even Rambo at Rex, you’d be guaranteed a roller coaster ride inside it…

Although the whole thing might sound like a big bummer to most people today, but back then, watching a movie in such kind of cinema was a damn nice experience. It wasn’t the tidbits, it definitely wasn’t the crowds nor the rats… it’s … something… that words can’t describe.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 17 Comments