Archive for May, 2005

May 12, 2005

behind the WC door

One fine afternoon a couple years ago, one of my female vendor came running to me with a livid expression …

“Michael ! Michael !” [pants pants]

A Chinese girl in her 20’s, who was the quality engineer for a high end product supplied to my company. Round faced, fair complexion, a bit plump which kinda reminded me of those awesome dumplings I had in China. She was restlessly panting when calling out for me… as if she had seen something awful.

“What’s the matter ? You looked as if you’ve seen a ghost !” I tried to calm dumpling her down.

“It’s… worse than seeing a ghost… [pant pant]”

It sounded so damn serious … that it actually freaked me out for a moment there…

“What is it then??”
“It’s … the toilet…”
“What about the toilet ?”
“I went to shit inside… and … and …”
“Someone peeked at you ?”
“No… when I flushed … there are… shits overflowing all over the place !!”

That’s what she told me. She went on ahead to vividly describe how those shits overflowed down onto the toilet floor and how she managed to dive out of the booth … barely just in time to tuck her beaver back into her pants. A close call of death indeed.

I don’t know why I was the “chosen one” … you know, be the first to learn about it. Perhaps she expectedthat I probably would haul my ass into that shit-overflowing toilet to clean it up or something. How I wish to tell her that she had done a terrible mistake by telling me – because I don’t fucking know what to do !

So, I just assured her that I will escalate her misadventures to the appropriate party and be done with it. And that’s when I went to Pete, who then was the manager in charge of toilets… kidding, he was the manager in our department. When I told him about my vendor’s gross encounter, almost instantly, I could see the same thing that had happened to me before – you know, him giving out the expression of “Hey ! what the fuck have I got to do with shits overflowing inside the Ladies !? I’m an engineer goddamn it !!!”. But we somehow managed to channel the complain back to our Human Resource department, who then didn’t seem to have done anything about it.

Well, what actually happened ? From my best guess, I’d say, the bowl was clogged with a used bloody pad or something. Must be one hell of a big bloody pad for a big pussy… which no doubt was conveniently slam dunked by an ignorant lardass invertebrate who didn’t know how to discard radioactive materials in an appropriate manner. And when the pad got stuck in the shit pipe, the whole thing sort of backdrafted and deluged the toilet with stinking excrement.

And if you can ask someone who had cleaned a Ladies before, they’ll tell you stories that you wouldn’t want to hear.

According to someone I knew who worked for McDonalds (who had cleaned the Ladies countless of times before), it is always a known fact that, when it comes to toilet hygiene, the females are always less conscious than the guys. It always takes a double effort to clean a Ladies… comparing to the Gents. It wasn’t made known to me why… but it’s a fact.

So that means, what we’ve seen out here in the public (the girls, that is) – you know, all that chemical aided perfection and “ewwwwwwws” for even the slightest smut – are all sheer deception. The truth lies inside the toilet. The showdown of their actual self is smeared across the restroom wall… spread out like an ancient cave drawing as a testament of their barbaric demeanor…

Well, I don’t really have an idea about this, coz I’ve never seen it with my own eyes, nor comparatively whiffed the air samples from both locations before (Ladies vs Gents). But from what I’ve garnered through bits and pieces of information from others, apparently it is most likely to be true.

So, can somebody out there (preferably, a janitor) clarify this ?

michaelooi  | happenings  | 29 Comments

what’s that ?

Today, I saw my new lab technician Milkboy rubbing a dollop of some whitish substance on his hands… which triggered a curious question from me

Me : “Dude, what are you doing ?”

Milkboy : “I’m applying some lotion on my hands…”

Feeling disturbed, I asked more questions…

Me : “And why would you want to do that ??”

Milkboy : “That’s because my hands are dry due to the air conditioning…” [rub rub rub]

Me : “So, what next ? Lipstick ?”

Milkboy : “No lah ! It’s just something to…”

Me “Mascara ?”

Milkboy : “It’s just…”

Me : “Or sliced cucumbers to be placed on your face ?”

Oh this is so worrying. Perhaps I shouldn’t call him “Milkboy”… but “Marge” instead. I swear if he ever touches me or makes me feel uncomfortable, I’m gonna jam a soldering iron on his forehead…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
May 11, 2005

fucked up

Why do people like to leave those plastic wrappers on their vehicle seats ? Like they’re afraid nobody would acknowledge that their piece of junk was once new ? Well, it dumbfounds me a lot to think that, why wouldn’t they do the same for their other belongings ? like wearing their jeans with its wrappers on… or perhaps wank themselves with a vibrator still in its bubble bag ? *brrrr snap brrr snap brrr snap*

If they happen to buy a new fridge, perhaps to operate the damn thing in its box … you know, and believe that it’ll magically stay new for the next few decades ? … that is if the compressor doesn’t get overheat and jam itself up.

And they can always wear their undergarments still in wrappers as well. They’re not gonna pick up their tit odor and stay new even after years of vigorous use. Not to mention stay waterproof as well. But they’ll never know if those are gonna cause prickly heats on their rack or beaver for the lack of ventilation …

So why would they leave plastic wrappers in their vehicle but would remove the rest from their other belongings ? They’re fucked up, that’s why.

Then, I’ve also seen people hanging their clothes in their vehicle. You know, clothes still in its hanger ? Hanging by the side of their car windows dangling from the passenger grip handle (or whatever that thing’s called) ? Right…

Some of my friends said that they did it because they do not want to have fold marks on their nice shirt… so they hang it instead. Sounded kinda plausible. Fold marks are so uncool… it will make you look like a prick in a formal wear function.

But it is different when some dimwits follow the practice, thinking that it’s some kind of a fashionable trend to hang their clothes inside their cars. They will hang their regular T-shirts, sweatshirts, jackets and sometimes even their wife beaters, inside their cars. Just, anything. Short of raincoats.

So why would they hang their clothes not inside their wardrobe, but in their cars… blocking off almost 40% of their rear view from the driving position ? They’re fucked up, that’s why.

Ever gave a thought why those American Greet Berets have green uniforms in the Nam war ? Or why those US troopers wearing beige colored uniforms in the recent war ? The answer’s camouflage. That is, the color of the uniform to blend against the environment to make the wearer less conspicuous against the enemy sight. Hence for the Nam war, green color against the rainforest environment… and the beige camo for the desert environment.

But look at our National Service uniform. They’re BLUE in color. I don’t fucking know what background are they intending to camouflage against. A fleet of factory buses ? Or a crowd of screaming Chelsea soccer fans ? No way I’m gonna find out why the person designed the NS uniform blue … but my best guess is – he’s fucked up, that’s why.

Sometimes, you also would meet certain type of individual, who doesn’t seem to be very charming… short… and with an attitude worse than a skanky Alzheimer man-whore with PMS. And that guy, he gets to be your boss.

He drives a better car than you do. He earns wages more than you can make in many years. And he gets to smite you when things go wrong even though it’s not your fault…

And everybody know that he has all those advantages not because he is intelligent or something, but because he knows how to suck it up to the bigdogs at the top of the stairs. He is basically the type that does not know how to count with his fingers and has absolute ZERO knowledge about his job.

Now why would the management promote him to become the director knowing that he’s less useful than a dead rat ? They’re _________, that’s why.

Thank you for listening.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 22 Comments
May 10, 2005

unprecedented predicaments

My apartment had a water supply interruption yesterday because the authorities needed to clean up the main water supply tank. For the first time in my life, I experienced life without direct water supply…

bathe with cold water.
Ever since I moved into this apartment, I sort of transformed into a wee tot of a pussy – I started to have that habit of taking my bath with warm water (through our electronic water heater). And because there wasn’t any direct water supply, I had to bathe using the reserved cold water from the tub. It proved to be a real tough challenge for me …

First, I had to jut out my head and slowly pour water on it to get myself accustomed to that low temperature. Once I’m confident enough, I would do that little test smear on my tits… and then slowly spread it towards my arms. But I was too careless, for accidentally allowing a few drops of those ice cold water to trickle down my naked body … instigating a massive goosebump reaction and nipples so hard that they could cut glass. Had to jump up and down to warm myself back … and slowly repeat the whole process…goddamn.

trouble cleaning up my shits
You see, I’m a flush guy. That means, instead of wiping my shits after each dump, I flush my anus with pressurized pipe water to clean up. That’s because I always get irritations from toilet paper wipes. (god knows how many zillions of bacterias dwell in a single square inch of recycled toilet paper wipe).

But I didn’t realize about the boner until I was halfway through oozing out my poo… and gave a thought about how am I gonna clean up my mess. Without a choice, I resorted to the only option … to clean up with the reserve water. (no way I’m gonna wipe my ass with those filthy recycled papers). What I did was, to tilt my ass up at an angle … where I can splash enough water (with a plastic water scoop) against the contaminated region of my crack … and literally scrub it with an assload of soap.

It worked alright, but with a little problem. Because it’s really hard to control the water volume from a plastic water scoop, the ‘waste’ water actually flowed out of the bowl rim, and that was when I saw a couple micropieces of unidentified light brown matters splashed across the bathroom floor … which kinda grossed me out a bit. I ended up cleaning the whole bathroom floor…

And plenty more small little things that I didn’t manage to register. Well, it was at a time like this, you’ll always gripe that you’d rather live through a blackout rather than going without water. What would be your pick ? As for me, I’d rather live without electricity… I don’t mind shitting in the dark…

michaelooi  | experiences  | 12 Comments
May 9, 2005

teenage counselor II

Helping people is good. I love helping people.

1) My boyfriend never answers my phone call. When he does, our conversation’s very brief and he’ll say he’d call me back. Which he never does. I am very frustrated and has been thinking a lot, what is he trying to tell me ?
Let me guess, your boyfriend’s an engineer. If he’s not, he should be one. Engineers are cool people that never talks much. Just stop calling him and relax. He’ll call back when he feels like it. If he never does, well… that could only mean, he’s getting cooler. It’s awesome to have a very cool bloke as your boyfriend… You should feel proud instead.

2) I like this guy and found out that he likes me too. But the problem is, he already has a girlfriend and only wants to take advantage of me. What should I do ?
Oh man, what a bummer. He’s becoming an asshole (for intending to cheat his girlfriend) because of you. I’d say to weed out the problem at it’s root – go kill yourself, so that he’s got no one else to like and boot back to his own girl. If you’re too worried about him liking someone else after you’re gone, well, worry not. That’s because you won’t feel a thing after you’ve become a corpse.

3) My mom’s mad at me. What should I do to calm that bitch down ?
No ! Do not ever attempt to say sorry or repent the things she’s mad about ! It’s not gonna work. Only shallow people do that. Instead, you should stand in front of the mirror and repeatedly punch your own face. If you’re unable to do it yourself, ask your younger brother’s help (I’m sure he’ll be glad to do it for you…). Do it till discoloration develops, and then show it to your mom. She won’t be mad anymore.

4) I am a 13 year old boy, have virtually no interest for girls and always feel wanting to be a girl. What should I do ?
Well, I’ll take it as a question asking me about sex change operation. In a typical sex change operation, the doctor would just amputate off your corrugated teabag and your wiener. He would then stitch up an artificial cunt for you so that some sick bastards could masturbate with it (it’s not qualified as sex because you’re basically void the capability to feel anything down there…)
And should you ever feel like having a PMS later on, you can always use a steak knife to stab your perineum (the area between your genital and anus) about a couple inches deep. Once it’s bleeding, your may hook yourself a pad.

5) I am a 16 year old girl and has never hooked with anything before in my life. What should I do to get guys interested in me?
To get guys interested in you, just strip yourself naked and walk around the neighborhood. You’ll definitely get guyS interested in you alright. More than you ever asked for…

6) I pierced my nipples 2 weeks ago. But about a week back, my left nipple began to swell and discharges [insert colour] liquid. And just about few days back, I noticed that my right nipple has the same problem too… what should I do ?
Have you watched Rambo ? Did you see how he managed to neutralize his wounds to prevent bacterial infection ? Right… just pour a few ounces of gunpowder onto your nipples. Grab something to bite… like a handful of plasticine or a crowbar… Light a match. Burn nipple. SWOOOSH. Wound neutralized. It’s gonna swell a cup up alright (hey… isn’t that what you girls always wanted anyway?), but there will be no more multicolored liquid discharge from that nipple.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 16 Comments