Archive for May, 2005

May 16, 2005

happy teachers day

The colorful characters that had taught us our life, how can we not remember them ?

In conjunction of Teachers Day that our planet is celebrating today, allow me to quote the jesters that had liven up my life throughout my schooling years.

1) Mr. Lim (alias “Zorro”)
He was named as such not because he looked like a Spaniard or had great skills in swordery. It was because he had a letter “Z” in his initials. As simple as that.

Middle aged, face full of zits as if they’re some organic Braille pricks that read “I’m a jerk”. Everyone back then believed that he was an incarnation of some diabolical being from beneath. Savage and loose headed, he was one of the most evil teachers that I’ve ever encountered in my life. I myself had tasted his “golden palm of paralysis” before… and I could still feel the stinging effect today.

Needless to say, we’re all damn scared of him. The very sight of him loping somewhere in vicinity, would trigger a verbal alert from class to class – “HOIIII !! SHHH !!! ZORRO LAI LIAO !!” (translated as : “Hush !! Zorro is coming !!”)

And there was once he actually found out about his fashionable nick … which he then bellowed out to our class “You think I don’t know you guys are calling me Zorro aa ??” and we kept quiet about it.

2) Miss. Lim
She’s Zorro’s elder sister. Also middle aged, had a wrinkly face of some retired amateurish bestiality pornstar, she basically menaced just like her evil brother. Both bore the similar devilish look… hooked nose, elongated face shape like a witch’s… But what really stood out in her was her voice.

She could be heard from anywhere in the whole block in our school, didn’t matter where she is. She’s just very loud and obnoxious. I don’t know but, I remember I was darn terrified of her because she reminded me of the lopsided villain in the film Rumpletiltskin or something (being a kid, that kind of thing just blew my mind off). Just… when you see something with a look like this? You’ll always have the natural reflex of behaving yourself…

3) Miss *Something* (alias “Watermelon”)
Frankly speaking, I had overused the nick “Watermelon” on her so much, that I totally had forgotten what her real name was. But I’ll remember her as Watermelon if I see her one day alright… because she looked exactly like one. You know… round, rotund and real short… that was how she got her name.

Like a real watermelon, she was harmless alright. She was of no threat to us but somehow, was a fine target of mischief by most students instead. I mean, not like she’s too docile or anything. She actually tried to act tough but, it somehow didn’t work on her. She was just too pouty to be tough and always was (and will be) everyone’s favorite target.

I know it was not her fault to look like that but, hell, what do we care at that age ? The only thing that mattered to us was not to get our sorry ass whipped in school and score as many chicks as possible.

4) Mr. John Lim
He probably was one of the most famous educator in Penang. He found his fame through his absurdness in teaching Mathematics. He would often replace the zero’s with asses and bollocks … skewing the class attention towards the dark side and would later sadistically castigate those who got it all wrong. Some of his infamous preference of torturing his pupils :
1) Smearing correction fluid on their face
2) Scribbling red inks on their shirt or face
3) A hard fingernail-pinch near the thigh (extremely painful)
4) Imposing an infinite amount of leg numbing squat-ups

There was once he walloped one of my sissy classmates till he bled from the nose, and got into trouble when the kid’s parents came to seek for an explanation of what happened. Didn’t know how they managed to settle the score…

5) Mr. Chin
A tall Chinese dude with a military attitude. At one glance, he looked like a roadside hamburger seller. But if you know him real well, you’ll know that he wasn’t any of that sort. If there’s any single word to describe this tall motherfucker (I think he’s taller than Chewbacca… no shit)… the word would definitely be – PSYCHOTIC.

Yes, he had this uncanny fetish of requiring everyone to have a neatly combed hair during his lesson. If there’s any reason for anyone not having a combed hair, would be that the person’s bald. That’s right. Each of us would have to pour an assload of water from our classmates’ water containers and comb our hair neatly before his lesson starts. And then, we’ll have to pray hard that the water wouldn’t dry off before his lesson ends… else the consequences could be dire.

If you happen to get caught with an uncombed or disheveled hair :
1) He would smear some used engine oil on your head
2) He would pull your sideburn till you turn red

There’s no doubt that he was a seriously disturbed individual. If I were to see him again today as an old man… with combed hair or not, I’m gonna make him gulp down a can of turpentine as a payback for his sick deeds.

Tough shits … having to deal with these type of mutants throughout my teenage life. If I were to become a deranged serial killer one day, you’ll all know that these are the people to blame for my fucked up plight. Judging from my condition now, I reckoned it won’t be very long before I would take my first midget victim …

*Licks my sharpened scythe*

Happy teachers day, my teachers. I missed you animals.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 9 Comments

meme post

Some of you may have noticed that there’s this meme post thingy going on lately in the blogosphere. It’s supposed to be fun or something so…

Been tagged by dSaint:

So it goes like this. Below is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Here’s that list:

If I could be a scientist… If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician… If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter… If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary… If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect… If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist… If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete… If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper… If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer… If I could be a backup dancer…
If I could be a llama-rider… If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a midget stripper… If I could be a proctologist…
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host… If I could be an actor…
If I could be a judge… If I could be a Jedi…
If I could be a mob boss… If I could be a backup singer…
If I could be a CEO… If I could be a movie reviewer…
If I could be a monkey’s uncle… If I could be a writer
If I could be a bible archaeologist… If I could be an Ah Beng…
If I could be an Elvis impersonator… If I could be an Ah Lian…
If I could be a sexologist… If I could be a prostitute…

~

My selections :
If I could be a Jedi
I’m gonna wave my boss to give me a promotion and Semi Value to work his ass to get a brand new bridge for Penang.

If I could be an architect
I’m gonna build shopping malls with the capability to automatically electrocute housewives who:
a) overspend their money
b) overspend their time inside the mall
c) use their husbands’ credit card(s)
d) have ugly faces

If I could be a professor
I’m gonna invent a robotic fuck machine (complete with genetically fabricated organic tits) with the capability of performing household chores (laundry, housekeeping, etc)… and be filthy rich because of it…

If I could be an Ah Beng
I’ll do everyone a favor and kill myself.

If I could be an Ah Lian
I’ll do everyone a favor and kill myself by impaling myself with a fire hydrant.

~

I’m tagging …Primroses, YP & Bodicea

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
May 15, 2005

some updates

23 months, 679 entries and 3246 comments (since Nov 04, not including those in Haloscan from my Blogspot account) later, I guess it is time for me to add a search function inside this blog (as you may have noticed on the menu) for easy navigation over my old archives.

Like if you needed to know how many entries had I blogged about “housewives” before ? All you gotta do is just dump in the keyword and search, then voila ! You have all the relevant entries conveniently listed out in a page. (this is for those of you who couldn’t figure out what’s a “search” function …)

I previously didn’t add the search function into my start-from-scratch template because I was such a lazy ass … (though now I’m still a lazy ass), but now I feel compelled to add one in view of the growing archive. So, it’s a good thing.

Other changes that I have also made recently :
– Individual pages now encompasses the side links – which now look more consistent with the main page format.

– Shorter list of “Network of Blogs”, which some of the readers have been complaining as “20 meters long” or something. (140 over links)

– Stopped pinging PPS. There will be no more pings to PPS. That’s because somebody told me that pinging PPS is cheap and tacky. Since most pings don’t stay long in there anyway, I decided to post my entries independently. You want to read my entries ? You come here.

I am also contemplating of adding a banner/graphic at the main page… something that compliments my color scheme, so that the main page doesn’t look that dull. But, that will have to wait till I am back in my mood to fire up my NURBS and rendering program…

And I will be open to any suggestion as well.

michaelooi  | site stuff  | Comments Off

ashamed

During the previous session of my mandarin class, I sort of revealed my ill sentiments towards those China counterparts to the Mandarin lecturer. It was unintentional. I was overwrought with emotions that took over my speaking … and ejaculated everything out.

“I want to learn Mandarin because my counterparts from China are too stupid to learn English.” [smacks fist onto palm]

Something like that.

I sort of have this pang of remorse after expressing the unethical remark and would think over and over – what the hell is wrong with me ? What’s fueling my hatred towards those people from China ?

Could it be the bad experiences .. :

I had on a plane ? I was on the flight towards Beijing and saw this middle aged lady going around the cabin to collect those airline utensils, cups and plates … all to be stuffed into her traveling bag in the overhead compartment.

I had on a plane #2 ? Was on the same flight towards Beijing. Those people from China, were screaming at each other from the opposite side of the window-seat. Apparently, they were supposed to be chatting.

I had with the tourguide from China ? When she refused to carry on our tour itinerary because she needed some ‘extra money’ to live her life. She actually demanded that each tourist to donate some tips for her and her driver … and they’ll be happy to resume their duty.

I had at an aquarium resort in Beijing ? Where I saw an old couple swearing and harassing a security guard through the back entrance, because they refused to pay to enter the aquarium at the front entrance.

I had in Forbidden City ? I was trying to snap a picture of the emperor throne through a doorway when I was being elbowed by an old lady. I glowered at her but instead of feeling sorry, she pushed me aside and flocked to my spot … just to get a view.

I had in Forbidden City #2 ? Saw a lady squatting down on the edge of a walkway wearing a miniskirt. Her underwear was clearly visible and she was chatting enthusiastically with her relatives/friends.

I had at the night market in Tianjin ? I was strolling at the night market when I saw an old lady whipped out her wrinkled tit and scratched it like an ape suffering some skin disease … all the while talking to her friends.

Emily had in Guangzhou ? Where she was being madly screamed at by an old lady at a hotel restroom queue… when Emily refused to let her jump the queue.

~

Maybe. But still, I shouldn’t have said those mean things out of my fit of anger. It’s not professional. I should be ashamed of myself.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 19 Comments
May 14, 2005

dimwitted

Our lab door suddenly gave out a beep yesterday … It was the electronic lock beep – which usually happens when someone were to scan its access pad with their electronic badge – to unlock the door in order to open it. Much like what those Stormtroopers did in Star Wars. Scan – beep – click sound – door opens.

But after the beep, nothing happened. There wasn’t any ‘click’ sound to indicate that the relay of the magnetic lock has disengaged. That means, whoever was trying to access that door, didn’t actually have the authorization to do so. He tried to push the door open but it remained locked. So what did he do next ? The fucker tried to scan again… and again … and again … until for what it must be like 8 – 9 times ? That was when I squawked out loud :

“Who is that stupid fuck !?”

One of our engineers went ahead to unlock the door for that ‘stupid fuck’ and to check out what did he want… – it was our manager, and I went “Ooops…”. Fortunately, he didn’t actually hear my callous remark about him … else my career would have been in jeopardy.

Alright, he then sauntered into our lab … you know, trying to check out the place like what the bosses love to do (and act as if he cares about everything that we do everyday…)

Out of my curiosity, I asked him about what happened back there, in a subtle way

Me : “So, BirdBrain, you can’t get through that door huh ?”
[of course I didn’t call him that name. It was a nick given by me to protect his innocence in this blog.]

BirdBrain : “Yeah, apparently, my badge didn’t work… strange…” [like we needed to know…]

Me : “Aww shucks, how can this happen ? You’re like .. the boss or something… and they didn’t give you the access ?”

BirdBrain : “I’ve requested for the access, but it still couldn’t work…”

Me : “Oh, that’s why you scanned your badge sooooo many times.”

That was meant to be sarcastic, but he lived up to his nick … he didn’t get it.

BirdBrain : “Yeah, I think I need to talk to the security manager about this. See you later, mike”

You know, sometimes people do stupid things without realizing it. Like in this case, he actually knew that his badge won’t unlock the door after scanning it the first time. He even confirmed it by scanning the second time. But instead of asking for help, somehow out of his dilapidated mind, he would repeatedly scan his badge again and again … as if the electronic relay would sympathize him and grant him an entry out of compassion.

Another good example would be my martian sister. She would call up our house phone looking for my mom – and hung up when I told “mom’s not in”. 5 minutes later, she will call back again. Mom’s not in. Hang up. The process would repeat for 3 more times … and brought my blood up to its boiling temperature… which then I would yell at her :

“CAN’T YOU JUST CALL HER UP ON HER CELLPHONE GODDAMN IT ???”

Her excuse is ? The call rate for cellphone is more expensive. Like calling fixed line for multiple times would be cheaper. [shakes head]

I wonder if their stupidity is somehow related to the type of food they take … or was it a birth defect.. not too sure. But what I’m sure is, that these are the type of people that ought to be stripped off their rights to vote and made into human guinea pigs … to test out medical experiments or nuclear weapon test. That’s the only way they could ever contribute something positive to humanity …

michaelooi  | rantings  | 12 Comments