I was munching a pack of nuts watching some ultraman show on TV when I was approached by my nephew. I never actually knew how old he is… but from what I reckoned, he must be about 4 - 5 years old (this is the elder brother of the kid who flashed me underwear..). He just stood there quietly, all that while watching me pop those nuts into my mouth, totally ignoring him.

Of course I knew he wanted to have some of my nuts (lots of girls wanted them too)… but I figured that the kid ought to learn some amenities when it comes to asking something from someone. A concept of cause and effect. Like if he were to yell out loud demanding some nuts, he won’t get nuts. He would probably get whaled on his ass instead. Something like that …

So I continued to do what I was doing, totally ignoring him. After standing for about 20 seconds without progress, he finally decided to stretch out his palm as a gesticulation to ask for the nuts. Well, what more courtesy could I ask from a kid … I thought … so out of compassion, I put one little nut on his palm and gave him an “I’m nice” smile… which he hoovered it almost as immediately.

I then went back to my business of immersing myself in my childhood fantasy on TV … but at the corner of my eyes, I can see my nephew still standing there apparently with his palm still stretched out - totally distorting my concentration on the show. “More nuts” - he telepathically hinted me … and I placed another nut onto his palm to keep him content.

The process would repeat … you know… him asking for more and more nuts until the packet depletes to less than half the content, which I’ll have to actually dig from the tight packet to feed that pre-kindergarten glutton. At one stage, his patience wore off and offered to save my troubles by digging the nuts himself.

Ok, being independent is good - I thought… and continued to share my nuts with him, which we alternately dug from the packet for about 5 - 6 cycles until there was only a quarter of it left. That was the time when it is really difficult for my relatively large hands to reach the bottom of the packet… and decided to tear the opening up for my convenience. But before I could do that, my nephew grabbed the entire packet and gave me an ‘assurance nod’ that he can do it FOR ME … which he has no trouble digging the content with his small hands.

But that was so stupid of me to let him grab that packet of nuts. Obviously, that guy knew no shit about keeping a promise … especially when it comes to leeching food from adults. I wasn’t expecting anything else but hope that there’s still some nuts left when I snatch that packet back after pinning him down like those grunts in wrestlemania… But even that small fragment of hope dashed utterly when his younger brother (yes, that underwear guy) appeared out of nowhere to join the pillage.

What happened next was totally indescribable. Let’s just say, they kinda mauled the whole packet like savage beasts and left the half torn wrapper on the floor … and resume back their usual activities (ie to mess the whole place up and squeal annoyingly…)

I was, in the end, left nutless to go with the TV show. Goddamn.

Kids nowadays are evil and parasitic in nature… hell, I can’t even eat some nuts in peace ! What can I hope of them when I’m old ??? Nothing… cheebye…. NOTHING.

There you go again, my grandpa. I brought him dinner last night and again, he looked at me like I’m some stray thug that came to steal his mangoes. I’ll have to explain to him that I’m one of his daughter’s son and that I brought him his dinner - which only prevailed after a few tugs at his fossil brain cells.

Having gone through that lengthy introductory procedure, he then lamented about his old age problems as usual. You know, being old and having a failing memory, those self loathing type of shits. As I’ve already inured to his long winded ways, I would just nod in acknowledgement (in order not to provoke him to advance to his ‘historical lessons’ again - which I’ve already heard a few quadrillions of times).

But it’s of no good. He eventually did it nevertheless … reliving his heroic days in acute details, like how much money he paid for certain things 40 years ago (ironically, I can’t even remember exactly how much money I paid for my dining table 2 years ago… I think I’m worse than my grandpa) and many other tough shits that he had endured.

We (me and Emily) sat through the whole session of it… with myself kept thinking, would I become like this when I’m old ? Like telling my grandkids how I ruled the universe when I was young ? Would they still listen to me when they have countless of electronic wireless toys to play with ? Or since my memory’s worse than my grandpa at this relatively young age… would I still be able to remember the stories myself ?

Most likely not. 60 years from today will be very different. With all the hazardous heavy metal lingering in our air and infinite numbers of chemicals we consume from our processed food everyday, I reckon that probably I won’t be able to even remember if I had a dick (after being flaccid of old age for so many years), let alone to be able to recall my tales.

Probably that’s why this blog exist in the first place - to account all my stories, dreams and weird visions … so that I don’t have to remember all of them. I’ll just have to beam my grandkids a string of text of my URL to their email account -

“michaelooi.net - your grandfather’s stories inside. forward it to the next 10 people on your address book else your phone will self destruct in your pocket”

How cool is that.

It was a nice one. No doubt, was the best of all the 3 prequels and well worth the wait.

1) Storyline - was rich. From Anakin the sissy skinny boy to Darth Vader the cool hunk. And plenty of drama in between, all cramped into 2 something hours worth of screen time. I would say, it’s kinda like a purge of diarrhea - short but full of real deals. (some part of the story actually got pretty skewed because of this…). Click “More” below.

2) Characters - colourful as always. From phallic headed Jedi members to clumsy transport lizards that resembled my friend Ah Seng, the flick featured realistic looking creatures along with the usual main casts. My favourite character of all would definitely be - General Grievous. The 4 arm tuberculosis laden droid leader that has a penchant of collecting lightsabers of the Jedis he kill … (and a special mention of Princess Leia - NAKED)

3) Action - This episode has the most lightsaber duel of all the Star Wars flick. So much of them, that it gets kinda boring at times. I was actually expecting a balance of both space battles and lightsaber duels… just like in Empire Strikes Back… but then, I’m not complaining.
There are like 5 duels in this flick alone :

Count Dooku vs Obiwan/Anakin
Mace Windu vs Darth Sidious
Yoda vs Darth Sidious
Obiwan vs General Grievous
Obiwan vs Darth Vader

And countless of scenes that involves ‘lightsabering’ as well. Of all the duels, the one that took the cake was between Obiwan vs General Grievous. During the duel, General Grievous frigging wielded 4 lightsabers ! … 2 held by his hind arms, and the other 2 rotating with his frontal hands like a propeller (at front), razing through anything in it’s path. It was mind-blowingly badass.

4) Humour - A serious film you think it is. Not entirely. Some humour, it has. Those that I can recall
- a drone yelling out to a fellow drone to get back to work (and some really funny conversation) during the Chancellor rescue mission.
- a couple of wookies howling like Tarzan when they charge in for an attack at one of the clone ships.
- Sidious called Yoda “my little green friend” and zapped him against the wall like a mosquitoe. Yoda returned the favour by toppling Darth Sidious up on his feet with his Force (which made me laughed like a jackass…)
- Yoda’s quote of “…. disappear we must” cracked me up too - he was suggesting to Obiwan and Organa that they should go into exile.
many more.

5) Flaws - There’s a few part of the movie that doesn’t seem to make a lot of senses to me.
- why does Darth Sidious have to sacrifice General Grievous before he declared a takeover of the republic ? He could have hinted Grievous about the impending attack led by Obiwan … and save him from getting wasted. He’ll then have an extra skilled team member to help him rule the galaxy. *shrugs*
- at the end of the movie, there’s a scene where Darth Sidious and Vader overlooking the construction of the first DeathStar. Considering the fact that the Deathstar was completed only in Ep IV (when Luke becomes a teenager), that means it actually took them almost 2 decades to complete it. The second (and bigger) DeathStar, as we know of, significantly took much less time than that …. the timing’s questionable.
- there aren’t that much flippings in the rest of the episodes… but in this third instalment, everyone seems to be able to flip like a Hong Kong red trouser stuntman. The flippings had a heavy Asian influence in it … and it looked kinda out of place in Star Wars. Hmmmm…
- and, about Yoda. This little dude needs a cane to help him walk. But when he was in the mood to participate in lightsaber orgies, he’d be able to leap like proboscis monkeys. Isn’t that ridiculous ? At least make him lose the cane…
- R2D2, the electronic dustbin seem to be extremely agile and ‘dangerous’ in this episode. It now has thrusters, have the ability to hover at low heights, can JUMP out of the ship hull by itself… and even have the ability to spurt highly flammable slick as well. What the fuck ? If it can actually do all that, then why is it so dumb when being captured by that bevy of Ewoks in “A New Hope” ?
- I’ve noticed that the Sith always uses red coloured light saber… but when Anakin Skywalker joined the club, he wasn’t given a red lightsaber… but would continue to use his old blue coloured lightsaber. THIS IS NOT FAIR !

But all these are small issues that can be overlooked without sweat…

So there you have it. Star Wars Episode III sealing the deal. The transition was kinda smooth and everything was nicely set into place for A New Hope. It has been such a long time since I’ve enjoyed a movie so much…
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I’ve had enough with those belligerent housewife security guards. I do not know what’s the problem with them. Why can’t they just be more professional like they should ? Why do they have to treat as if we’re some practice target for their menopausal maladies ?

So today, I devised a plan to retaliate against their ill deeds. Well, not exactly a plan but sort of like a tactical rush of idea of what I can do given a set of circumstances. And the circumstances I’m talking about is the vulnerability of them housewife to whiff something unpleasant from us. That’s right, the brilliant idea of safe retaliation by gassing them up at their checkpoint. It’ll be awesome.

But I have a problem. It seems that I do not actually have the vital ingredient at that particular moment. I tried to push my bowel but it was a vain effort. I can’t simply postphone the offense, I might forget all about it after today and will never get to redeem the justice of my co-workers. And that was when I guide myself to align with the Force … I closed my eyes when I came down from the elevated scanning platform to collect my rummaged belongings…

I felt it seeping into my body caressing my intenstines hard like a Reebok air pump, gradually building up the pressure, I’m inches away from achieving my genocidal objective. With that, I wrung my final ounce of strength to exert the mayhem of curry chicken gravy (that I had for lunch ? hhehehyeah) … and finally ripped a silent killer fart right before I bail the place.

It was a fantabulous experience, considering that this actually happened out of nothing at all.

I never get to see those drones choke though… as I did not stay around to watch. (only dolts stay at the place they bomb). But I reckoned it wasn’t as lethal as I had hoped for because I wasn’t really prepared. A well planned lethal dose should smell something like fermented broccoli blended with semi digested spring onion soup, topped with gobs of bloated AK47 durian fruit. You get the idea.

Perhaps I should start drafting the real “plan” now…

I dreamt that I was in prison last night. Over what offense, I’m not too sure. But I can tell that it sort of involves something concerning the national security. Perhaps I was a spy or something.

In that particular scene, I was conspiring with a fellow inmate to escape from prison and the next thing I know, we were speeding away in this car… with an army of police in pursuit from behind. The pursuit was very dramatic, complete with flippings and all that… and get to shake off those pigs after going through an assload of action packed episode.

I then drove the car into this junkyard carpark near a cinema and descended from the vehicle. I can remember my fellow inmate bitched to me that we should immediately head to KL to meet up with the the Boss (which I have no idea who the fuck was that). It sounded like we’re having somekind of an underworld congregation or something at KL.

We argued for a while, with him whining about me wasting too much time while we’re high on wanted list … and he’s about to do it alone if I decided to “pull out” at the final minute. I told him that I have some unsettled grave matters at hand … and that I’ll haul my ass to KL when it has been taken care of.

After a few minutes worth of shouting at each other, he finally gave in to my intention … and we walked straight into the cinema to watch “Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith” … and headed down to KL after that.

*I’ll be with the Force in the cinema tonight…