May 25, 2005

bath conspiracy

cozy (kuh zee)
snug, comfortable and warm.

That’s how I felt after slipping myself a pair of loosely fitted bermudas without anything else inside. All my muscles will automatically switch to the “relaxed mode”. During this period, I couldn’t be bothered even if my pet dog is on fire… (well, that’s because I don’t have any pet dog…)

During this stage, I will be very passive… sometimes, even hibernate at odd hours. eg. dinner time. Even if I’m not doing that, the most calorie consuming activity I would do is probably pressing the remote control. Or feed my pet dog (wink).

But I have a problem. My wife Emily, she doesn’t seem to condone that concept at all. She doesn’t believe in the fact that I’m a peace loving person and being static is a good thing. That’s when she thinks that I’d better do something she presume as “more productive”, like taking a bath.

That’s right. She has this fetish of dictating me towards the bathroom to clean myself up. I don’t know why. Not that I’m dirty or anything but… just to gratify her twisted eccentric mind.

Like if I’m caught looting a piece of cuttlefish snack ? she would ask me to go bathe myself up … because my hands are contaminated.
If I ever step outside the house (even if it’s just downstairs collecting something from the car)? to bathe myself up I must go.
If I ever defecate during this period ? Bathe I must.
Purge a bead of sweat ? Bathe I must.
Neighbor’s cat barks ? Bathe I must.
A female lizard hits the G spot in a stray sex with another lizard ? Bathe I must.

I don’t know but this is really bothering me. The same thing happened yesterday when we’re on our way home from dinner …

Emily : “Dear, remember to take your bath after we got back home”

Me : “What ? I’ve just taken my bath not long ago… What’s the matter with you??”

Emily : “That’s because you were exposed to the rain just now …”

Me : “Awwww… you’re being ridiculous. I ain’t gonna take anymore bath. It’s a waste of money and detergent.”

Emily : “It’s insignificant with that wee tot amount of detergent. Don’t be silly.”

Me : “Look, it’s not really about the money, ok ? It’s actually more about the environment…”

Emily : “Oh yeah ? Like how ?”

Me : “Like some turtle’s gonna suck in the detergent and chemicals I use in my bath … and die…”

But no amount of protest would deter her adamant course of requiring me to take a goddamn bath… that’s because she’ll always win the debate no matter what. You know, women … they hold high stakes in the family. It’s always not a very wise idea to mess around with them, lest they would plan something sinister against your life … like refusing to pass you the remote control or do your laundry.

It’s a corrupted world without justice …

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 

16 Comments to “bath conspiracy”

  1. naeboo~ says:

    or give it up when u feel *the horns* coming up?? *winks*

  2. superlotto says:

    I know exactly how you feel. My wife is like that except, it’s washing the hands. And the house has to be super clean and neat! My home is like show room condition all the time. I told her to see a physicologist.
    My wife will get her ways too and I have to conform to it.
    I was thinking about my father’s generation. He was the king of the house and everything evolve around him. The beauty is that he didn’t have to say much. How come men has lost control of the house?

  3. Reverse psychology. Start insisting on bathing at every chance you get until you become obsessive about it. She’ll lay off.

  4. zbjernak says:

    is exactly the same as my mom…
    always ask me to bath…hated it

    and i always protested….

    but my poor dad….have to comply with the house ISO…

    hehehehe…

    evil woman

  5. dSaint says:

    with hold from her. wait till she approaches u for sex. then say wait, u need to bath. after bath, tell her, “sorry, i clean dy”. or after everytime she touches u, pretend u feel dirty and go bath. kehkehkeh… then in her mind, it would link u taking bath to her being dirty and hey, u might end up taking a bath with her. not bad eh?

  6. michaelooi says:

    naeboo~~ – Give what up ?

    superlotto – Justice … where is justice ??

    macek – Hmmm… sounds like a good idea…

    zbjernak – Ooh… so this is about women in general… fetish for asking the opposite gender to clean themselves up … hmmm…

    dSaint – Dude, if I want to take a bath with her, I could have just ask lah. Tiuuu…

  7. Primrose says:

    *guilty look* I’m sometimes like that too. Bathe I must.

    Hmm, maybe then she can jump on you at any time and roll on the bed leh? You see, if you are “dirty”, cannot roll on the bed ma.

  8. doc says:

    There’s a term : mysophobia/misophobia – fear or dislike of being dirty. Get help! :P

  9. michaelooi says:

    primrose – I’m not dirty ler … I’m clean.

    doc – Misophobia … I thought that’s a term to describe fear of miso soup …

  10. naeboo~ says:

    u said, “It’s always not a very wise idea to mess around with them, lest they would plan something sinister against your life … like refusing to pass you the remote control or do your laundry.”

    so i said,”or give it up when u feel *the horns* coming up?? *winks*”

    does that make any sense now, old man??? :P

    since when u need to be clean to be able to be jumped on? that’s sicko mentality… isn’t sex supposed to be spontaneous and dirrrty? wtf… some women need a good whack on the head.

  11. ken says:

    “It’s always not a very wise idea to mess around with them, lest they would plan something sinister against your life … like refusing to pass you the remote control or do your laundry.”

    -The worst they can do is cut your DICK. XD

    Oh and the “bathe I must” is from that little-old-green-guy from Star Wars?

  12. summer says:

    ha ha ha! I’m not as bad as Emily… i’m only adamant that he bathes if he’s real sweaty… i’ve learnt that guys are juz so lazy.. *winks*

  13. michaelooi says:

    naeboo~~ – I sense that you enjoy copulating in dark alleys and garbage dumps…

    ken – “Cuts” on dicks make great scars that women enjoy ;)

    summer – But should we only bathe after sex ? Wait… it should be “after waking up from a good after-sex sleep…”

  14. naeboo~ says:

    still A HELL LOT better than alw having the need to sanitise urself with antiseptic wipes and bucketful of dettol every time u feel the horns coming up! :P how clean do u need to be in bed??!!

    omg… the sheets can be changed, so can ur clothes!

    u women go roll on the original vaccum-packed plastic covers on the mattress why dont u?? shessshhh

  15. darium says:

    “Awwww… you’re being ridiculous. I ain’t gonna take anymore bath. It’s a waste of money and detergent.”

    Why do you take a bath with a detergent?

  16. michaelooi says:

    naeboo~ – Antiseptic wipes ? Dettols ? I’m talking about taking baths here, woman… not getting an operation ler…

    darium – Detergent = “A cleansing substance that acts similarly to soap but is made from chemical compounds rather than fats and lye”.
    If you still thinks that our “soap” today does not contain anything else but animal fats and lye… then panda must be a type of reptile.

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