The colourful characters that had taught us our life, how can we not remember them ?

In conjunction of Teachers Day that our planet is celebrating today, allow me to quote the jesters that had liven up my life throughout my schooling years.

1) Mr. Lim (alias “Zorro”)
He was named as such not because he looks like a Spaniard or has great skills in swordery. It’s because he’s got a letter “Z” in his initials. As simple as that.

Middle aged, face full of zits as if they’re some organic Braille pricks that read “I’m a jerk”. Everyone back then believed that he’s an incarnation of some diabolical being from beneath. Savage and loose headed, he was one of the most evil teachers that I’ve ever encountered in my life. I myself had tasted his “golden palm of paralysis” before… and I can still feel the stinging effect today.

Needless to say, we’re all damn scared of him. The very sight of him loping somewhere in vicinity, would trigger a verbal alert from class to class - “HOIIII !! SHHH !!! ZORRO LAI LIAO !!” (translated as : “Hush !! Zorro is coming !!”)

And there’s once he actually found out about his fashionable nick … which he then bellowed out to our class “You think I don’t know you guys are calling me Zorro aa ??” and we kept quiet about it.

2) Miss. Lim
She’s Zorro’s elder sister. Also middle aged, had a wrinkly face of some retired amateurish bestiality pornstar, she basically menaced just like her evil brother. Both bore the similar devilish look… hooked nose, elongated face shape like a witch’s… But what really stood out in her was her voice.

She can almost be heard from the whole block in our school, doesn’t matter where she was. She’s just very loud and obnoxious. I don’t know but, I’m darn scared of her ’cause she reminded me of the lopsided villain in the film Rumpletiltskin or something (being a kid, that kind of thing just blows my mind off). Just… when you see something with a look like this ? You’ll always have the natural reflex of behaving yourself…

3) Miss *Something* (alias “Watermelon”)
Frankly speaking, I’ve been overusing the nick “Watermelon” on her so much, that I’d forgotten what her real name was. But I’ll remember her as Watermelon if I see her one day alright… because she looks exactly like one. You know… round, rotund and real short… that was how she got her name.

Like a real watermelon, she’s harmless alright. She was of no threat to us but somehow, was a fine target of mischief by most students instead. I mean, not like she’s too docile or something, she actually tried to act tough but, it somehow didn’t work on her. She’s just too pouty to be tough and always was (and will be) everyone’s favourite target.

I know it’s not her fault to look like that but, hell, what do we care at that age ? The only thing that mattered to us was not to get our sorry ass whipped in school and score as many chicks as possible.

4) Mr. John Lim
He probably was one of the most famous educator in Penang. He found his fame through his absurdness in teaching Mathematics. He would often replace the zero’s with asses and bollocks … skewing the class attention towards the dark side and would later sadistically castigate those who got it all wrong. Some of his infamous preference of torturing his pupils :
1) Smearing correction fluid on their face
2) Scribbling red inks on their shirt or face
3) A hard fingernail-pinch near the thigh (extremely painful)
4) Imposing an infinite amount of leg numbing squat-ups

There was once he walloped one of my sissy classmates till he bled from the nose, and got into trouble when the kid’s parents came to seek for an explanation of what happened. Didn’t how they managed to settle the score…

5) Mr. Chin
A tall Chinese dude with a military attitude. At one glance, he looked like a roadside hamburger seller. But if you know him real well, you’ll know that he wasn’t any of that sort. If there’s any single word to describe this tall motherfucker (I think he’s taller than Chewbacca… no shit)… the word would definitely be - PSYCHOTIC.

Yes, he had this uncanny fetish of requiring everyone to have a neatly combed hair during his lesson. If there’s any reason for anyone not having a combed hair, would be that the person’s bald. That’s right. Each of us would have to pour an assload of water from our classmates’ water containers and comb our hair neatly before his lesson starts. And then, we’ll have to pray hard that the water wouldn’t dry off before his lesson ends… else the consequences could be dire.

If you happen to get caught with an uncombed or dishevelled hair :
1) He’ll smear some used engine oil on your head
2) He’s gonna pull your sideburn till you turn red

There’s no doubt that he’s a seriously disturbed individual. If I were to see him again today as an old man… with combed hair or not, I’m gonna make him gulp down a can of turpentine as a payback for his sick deeds.

Tough shits … having to deal with these type of mutants throughout my teenage life. If I were to become a deranged serial killer one day, you’ll all know that these are the people to blame for my fucked up plight. Judging from my condition now, I reckoned it won’t be very long before I would take my first midget victim …

*Licks my sharpened scythe*

Happy teachers day, my teachers. I missed you animals.