Helping people is good. I love helping people.

1) My boyfriend never answers my phone call. When he does, our conversation’s very brief and he’ll say he’d call me back. Which he never does. I am very frustrated and has been thinking a lot, what is he trying to tell me ?
Let me guess, your boyfriend’s an engineer. If he’s not, he should be one. Engineers are cool people that never talks much. Just stop calling him and relax. He’ll call back when he feels like it. If he never does, well… that could only mean, he’s getting cooler. It’s awesome to have a very cool bloke as your boyfriend… You should feel proud instead.

2) I like this guy and found out that he likes me too. But the problem is, he already has a girlfriend and only wants to take advantage of me. What should I do ?
Oh man, what a bummer. He’s becoming an asshole (for intending to cheat his girlfriend) because of you. I’d say to weed out the problem at it’s root – go kill yourself, so that he’s got no one else to like and boot back to his own girl. If you’re too worried about him liking someone else after you’re gone, well, worry not. That’s because you won’t feel a thing after you’ve become a corpse.

3) My mom’s mad at me. What should I do to calm that bitch down ?
No ! Do not ever attempt to say sorry or repent the things she’s mad about ! It’s not gonna work. Only shallow people do that. Instead, you should stand in front of the mirror and repeatedly punch your own face. If you’re unable to do it yourself, ask your younger brother’s help (I’m sure he’ll be glad to do it for you…). Do it till discoloration develops, and then show it to your mom. She won’t be mad anymore.

4) I am a 13 year old boy, have virtually no interest for girls and always feel wanting to be a girl. What should I do ?
Well, I’ll take it as a question asking me about sex change operation. In a typical sex change operation, the doctor would just amputate off your corrugated teabag and your wiener. He would then stitch up an artificial cunt for you so that some sick bastards could masturbate with it (it’s not qualified as sex because you’re basically void the capability to feel anything down there…)
And should you ever feel like having a PMS later on, you can always use a steak knife to stab your perineum (the area between your genital and anus) about a couple inches deep. Once it’s bleeding, your may hook yourself a pad.

5) I am a 16 year old girl and has never hooked with anything before in my life. What should I do to get guys interested in me?
To get guys interested in you, just strip yourself naked and walk around the neighborhood. You’ll definitely get guyS interested in you alright. More than you ever asked for…

6) I pierced my nipples 2 weeks ago. But about a week back, my left nipple began to swell and discharges [insert colour] liquid. And just about few days back, I noticed that my right nipple has the same problem too… what should I do ?
Have you watched Rambo ? Did you see how he managed to neutralize his wounds to prevent bacterial infection ? Right… just pour a few ounces of gunpowder onto your nipples. Grab something to bite… like a handful of plasticine or a crowbar… Light a match. Burn nipple. SWOOOSH. Wound neutralized. It’s gonna swell a cup up alright (hey… isn’t that what you girls always wanted anyway?), but there will be no more multicolored liquid discharge from that nipple.