I have mixed feelings for this movie. You know, it changed my mind literally. I felt so closer to God now and I’m gonna talk to some plants tonight.

Alright, just kidding. This isn’t the type of movie which is all about religion. Sure enough, the movie contains heaps of mindless insensitive scripts (like : “Convert to Islam ! Repent later !”) that may stir a shit or two amongst those cock sucking religious bigots out there … but hell, this is a movie. A piece of entertainment … not a religious text book that was set to mess with the historical facts.

In fact, there are tonnes of contradictions in this movie… and if you are to view this piece of art like a historical critic – I bet with my ass you’re gonna think that this movie sucks. (if you’re wondering, no… I have absolutely little or no freakin’ clue at all about these Crusade shits.) But if you are to watch it with an open blank mind, you’ll probably enjoy this movie more.

So, what do I think about the whole thing ?

1) The landscapes were breathtaking and beautiful. Good cinematography (I don’t fucking know what’s that but just wanna make it sound complicated). I especially loved the ocean view in Medina, where you could actually see ships in distance and all that. Nice.

2) The battle scenes were pretty neat. Blood and gores were aplenty, and they didn’t seem to violate too much law of physics. But there were some part of it that involved the “camera shaking” effect – which kinda made me a little bit woozy and confused at times. Why can’t they just fucking screen it like how John Woo did it? You know, slow motion, and battles panning in different angles… I just want to see them bludgeoning each other, not to savor the feeling of being bludgeoned.

3) Storyline’s interesting, but a bit messed up. It felt as if everything was happening too soon … like for example, Balian (the hero) dug a well in his desolated land… and the next thing you see, his land was filled with fertile farms. You could actually feel that there’s not enough screening time to complete the movie. But then, if the movie were to be stretched into a longer screening time, or perhaps into 2 episodes, it probably would’ve been too long and boring instead.

But it was quite good overall, better than “Troy” and that gay potpourri “Alexander”. But definitely not better than “Gladiator”…

*spoiler warning in the extended section below…*

details of the movie (was too free at work today and so I typed all this…) :

The storyline actually was focusing on the life of Balian (Bloom), a blacksmith who had just lost his wife, when a bigshot dude named Godfrey of Ibelin (Neeson), purportedly claimed to be his accidental biological father, came looking for him. He offered Balian a better career as a knight under his gang or something in Jerusalem… which Balian refused at first… but later took the offer after he compulsively wasted a priest and toasted him to into carbon. He was to seek for forgiveness from God in the Holy Land (Jerusalem) for his sin (murder) and his wife’s (suicide).

Committed a murder, Balian was later pursued by a flank of soldiers who wanted to bring him back to pay for his crime. But Godfrey’s gang decided to fuck them up and a battle ensued… which resulted Godfrey mortally wounded. Just before Godfrey croaked, he managed to knight Balian up and made him the successor of his lands and powers – which was marked by a gift of a pimp ring.

The story then progressed with Balian’s journey to Jerusalem to seek for answers from God – which then he discovered that it was just a very messed up land that harbored nothing special at all. And without an objective, he continued his father’s cause at the land of Ibelin, you know… protect the people, dig some wells, screw the princess and gain some trust from the leper king. (no, not that he’s the king of all leper… but a king who’s a leper…).

This leper king, was the one that actually maintained the peace amongst different ethnics (Jews, Christians, Muslims) at Jerusalem, and had been struggling with a big force of Muslim army (under the leadership of a dude who hailed as Saladin…) that was longing to recapture Jerusalem back in their hands … Well, the plot thickened when the king’s brother-in-law, named Guy, acted on his own to sabotage the peace by provoking the Muslims. Following a messed up confrontation, the king’s health would later deteriorate to a state where he’s unable to pee standing up.

At this stage, the story took a turn into a very bizarre direction – the king wanted Balian to succeed his power (he must be the luckiest motherfucker in mankind history) with following condition :

1) marry the beautiful princess which he has been boning …
2) agree to have her ruffian husband (Guy) executed who has all along been his peeve.

which, Balian declined his offer. (I was like, WHAT THE FUCK !?). Apparently, he felt that the whole thing was too barbaric for him. And because of his refusal to accept the delegation of the leper king’s power, the throne was later taken over by that war mongering Guy after the king’s departure… and Jerusalem officially went to war with the Muslims.

When the Crusaders lost real bad in the strike, the Muslims seized the opportunity to counter-attack Jerusalem – which our smartass hero Balian would defend relentlessly with his ‘knights’. I would say this was the crop of the film … which showcased a great battle scene of 200 over thousand of Muslims besieging and bombarding the Jerusalem walls with catapults… (best was the part where the Crusaders toppled them Muslim’s siege towers with ballistas like bowling pins)… It was marvelous. Almost comparable to the LOTR battle.

The war then reached to a grand finale when the Muslim took a heavy loss and called for a truce (but historically, this was sort of untrue. It was the Christians that actually called for truce to discuss peace terms). Our Balian would then talk it out with Saladin … and finally agreed to Saladin’s offer to free all of Jerusalem’s Christians back to their lands without harm … in exchange for the grounds of Jerusalem.

And the battle ended with no more bloodshed.

Balian would then court back the princess, and go back to his blacksmith shack to continue his life. (story would later show Richard of Lionheart marching an army towards Jerusalem in another attempt to capture it back).

The screen last showed Balian riding through the grassland with the princess, and looks back at his ex-wife’s grave and then continue off into the distance … before the screen faded off and the music cued in…