May 2, 2005

the rise of the brown rebels

It was 1am in the morning (last night), I was still hanging out with the guys inside a not-so-glamorous seafood restaurant whacking beers, when suddenly, I heard my call of nature. It was my stomach. Apparently, I must have ate something wrong and it was very upset.

I tried to check out the restaurant’s toilet to see if it was forgiving enough to let me take a dump… but unfortunately, the place’s worse than a Nazi camp full of decomposed organic wastes. And so, I decided to take a gamble to race back to my home for the big bang.

I frantically bade a not-so-sincere farewell to the guys and skedaddled into my car. By the time I grabbed the steering and twist the ignition, the pain already reached its laboring state … you know, I can feel my rectum contracting my poo out, of what it must be inches away from my anus.

“Fuck, I must hurry.”

And I zoomed off like a devil rushing for a closing hellgate deadline. I tore up the street like never before, on and off had to put up with the intermittent contraction. By the time I was halfway through the 15 minutes journey home, I was basically writhing in agony… with some hint of those lofty sensation that something the size of a nuclear warhead was about to ooze out from my ass…

I was so seriously concerned that I might not be able to make it home on time …that I even contemplated whether to settle the whole deal out at some secluded bushy spot instead. But then, it might not be a good idea … as I wouldn’t know if I might get arrested for indecent exposure in public places … or worse still, marauded in the ass by some confused wild animals in the anonymous bush …

“Oh look. A warm cave with some goodies inside. Let’s spelunk into it and romp !”

I took my vehicle to the next level, burning rubbers on paved roads to race against time and faith. Just when I had my 6th and the second most potent rectal contraction, I suddenly realized that things were about to get worse… I didn’t bring my house key.

Panic set in and I had cold sweats pouring out of my forehead. My condition then reached the critical stage – stomach was rumbling constantly and my shits started to act as if they have minds of their own. I was beginning to lose control of my sphincter … and those rebels were almost near forcing their way out.

Without procrastinating further, I whipped out my cellphone and dialed for Emily (who was sleeping soundly). I gave her for what it must be like 7 miss-calls ?… but nobody answered. She’s immune to wake up calls. My flying aircraft was about 1 minute away from its collision course… and I needed someone to prepare the emergency docking procedure …

I called my mom instead. Fortunately, she answered with just a few beeps. It was the sweetest voice I’ve ever heard … despite her half awake coarse voice …

“Mom… I need you to unlock the door and open it for me… quick ! ”

And I screeched the final turn into my apartment block and abandoned the car (simultaneously, shutting down the engine and open the door at the same time). But I had to refrain from running just as I was about to step into the elevator… that’s because I was having my final most badass contraction …and a big motherfucking piece of shit was about to be born into this planet. I could feel it coming.

I almost screamed in terror and had to clamp both my arse cheek to suppress it from coming out. I had to half-hop into the elevator … make my way through the 2 bloody long floors (which almost felt like forever), capered indecorously through that corridor and make a turn into my apartment. Sure enough, mom did a great job – the main door was left wide open already and I quickly make the final dash towards the toilet.

You see, every time I face a situation like this ? I always felt that the toilet bowl has it’s own force of shit gravity. Like the Death Star in the Star Wars chronicles sucking up the Millennium Falcon into its docking bay. Same here. As I was hopping towards the bowl … my sphincter gave way and my poo suddenly declared its independence from my ass suppression, as it was being sucked out by that toilet bowl.

But I was quick enough to angle my ass towards the Death Star… and loosened my rubber sweat pants (along with my underwear) in time to fire the pressurized torrent of shit cocktail right into the bowl puddle (that happened even before my ass touches the bowl rim) – with a force so strong that it actually plopped a splash high enough to wet my ass cheeks.

My ass literally exploded for the next minute, purging an assortment of poo sizes into the colossal space station. It was only after the storm had calmed down that I was able to muster my strength to properly shut the toilet door … and inspect my underwear for any radioactive contamination.

It appeared clean … the force had been with me…

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

30 Comments to “the rise of the brown rebels”

  1. ashotiwoth says:

    i almost shit in my pants laughing out loud!!!!!

  2. Silencers says:

    *bangs table* hahahaah I remember last time I was in that kind of situation. The only real problem was I fumbled for about 30 seconds everytime I try to find a goddamn key. *wipes tears from laughter*

  3. Kai Hong says:

    Reading your blog has just triggered my Poo !!

    That’s what I called chain reaction poo.

  4. ken says:

    Star Wars… Die!!

  5. Din says:

    Mike, I know EXCACTLY how you felt. I was on an express bus going going to KL from JB when my phone rang while I was asleep. As soon as I became aware, my senses told me my ass was going to explode in at least 5 mins. On the highway! All because of some tapaued indian food i had last night. In fact the rest of my family kena already, except me.

    And so I had to tell the driver to get to the next R&R. He sped up significantly and another 3km later I arrived at the toilet which would save me.

    The aftermath in that toilet was very SIMILAR to yours.

  6. kuan says:

    I bet after that it feels fantastic! Good thing u clear everything with one go.. I hate it when you have to go multiple times just to empty all the remnants ( solid or liquid form ).. ok ok.. getting disgusted… XD

  7. michaelooi says:

    ashotiwoth – Seriously, that was the only thing I worried about – shit in my pants. Well, underwear actually.

    silencers – Yeah, keys can be a problem sometimes.

    kai hong – I hope your ass didn’t explode like mine.

    ken – You and I know that… Star Wars will not die. And everyone knew that I idolize Lord Vader like my own father…. pshhhhhh.

    din – Oooh, on the highway. That’s nasty.

    kuan – That’s the first wave that I managed to register. I had to later clean up and shut the door … before going for the second wave of attack again in privacy (means, to strip naked for a 2-in-1 defecation cum shower)

  8. Zer0 says:

    You never fail to amuse me. THis is one funny shit. Can imagine ur pain. It gotta happen to all of us sometimes.

  9. Belacans says:

    ROTFLMAO! i know how that feels! LOL! i just kena food poisoning and had to uurrrwek and shit like mad too. hehehe, did you ever pee in your pants? ;)

  10. Just before you fired – In your mind was Obi Wan saying “Luke… Let go”?

  11. Jase says:

    Hola brother! I was laughing so hard that the whole office people was looking at me. I guess it’s time for me to go for my toilet break…

  12. surfnux says:

    hoho that is a real misery. I have experienced it before and I even have to walk like an old man, bending down my knees and holding the stomach. hoho

  13. Kevin says:

    LOL…..The force is indeed with you Master Mike

  14. tEo says:

    yo..this post really trigger poo.
    I was checking on ur blog this morning just before i went for my exam. Upon reaching the exam venue, i had the sudden urge to visit toilet. Luckily, it’s be4 the exam started not during the exam.

  15. michaelooi says:

    zero – That’s because the force is all around us …

    belacans – Nope. Never pee in my pants before. But stained it, yes. (the mystery of the last drop)

    macek – I belong to the dark force, my friend.

    jase – I find your lack of faith, disturbing…

    surfnux – Yeah man. It’s nasty when your bowel moves.

    kevin – Not only it’s with me, but strong as well…

    tEo – The force, told ya it’s everywhere.

  16. Primrose says:

    And I had to take 2 large glasses of prune juice for that! Did you check out poo after? Floating, sinking, yellow, brown, sesame seeds, digested veggies… *LOL*

  17. Lrong says:

    You had me laughing out so loud throughout the article. Seepek funny, man…

  18. ShaolinTiger says:

    Hehe it always happens like that, same when you need a piss..

    Have you ever noticed how as you get closer to home it gets exponentially worse?

    Like as you are stepping into the doorway the turtle is popping his head out..

    I had plenty of situations where I was fine, but as I got closer to home I started dying for a piss, until the point I reached home it was almost dribbling from my snake..

    May the force be wid yo!

  19. Cariss says:

    Lucky I had my lunch before I read your shitty post. ;)

  20. shanks says:

    the force is strong with this one. good thing millenium falcon was not blown out by the explosive gas (were there any?) during the journey across the universe. and now, millenium falcon had officially been purged into pieces and flushed down the dark side. may the force be with you.

  21. Joez says:

    I had similar experience, took colon cleanser pill the night before. Was having my hair straightened at the saloon, so i couldn’t excuse myself to the loo…for at least 2 hours! Talking about will power…huh ~!

  22. michaelooi says:

    primroses – From the way I look at it’s irregular shape and brownish in colours, I’d say they looked more like asteroids to me …

    lrong – Well, it wasn’t that funny when I was doing the calm-down pant…

    ST – I got the exact same pee episode when I was watching Matrix Revolution inside the cinema … it was not pleasant at all.

    Cariss – So ? That means ? You’re clever ?

    Shanks – Yeah, the dark force prevailed.

    Joez – I’ve heard you mention this ‘colon cleanser’ many times… must have been a dark moment of your life for using it…

  23. genedavinci says:

    funny shit! great star wars adventure. although i only watch star wars because of natalie portman, this shitty espisode is probably the next best thing without natalie in it. bravo, bravo (/me standing from my office cube and clapping…)

  24. Becc says:

    Hi Mike.. I just came to know your blog and i really had fun reading it. I enjoyed it so much that i try to read all your archives for few days now.. Urm… can’t wait to read ur next blog.. keep it up Mike! Cheers!!

  25. Suen says:

    simply the BEST sai story eva~!

  26. JX says:

    EEewwww….luridly disgusting decriptions!!!!!

  27. blueky says:

    LOL. u’ve such a wonderful way with words..so powerful yet subtle at the same time..
    indeed the funniest shit ever posted! rock on!

  28. emmy says:

    did u take a pic of ur boo?

  29. doc says:

    Next time keep some adult diapers in the glove compartment of your car. ROTFLMAO!!!

  30. sunon says:

    haahah such a cute article. I love it. Hehehe. LOVELY description. Hahha, was talking bout it over dinner and everyone was losing their appetite. :P keep up the good work. Cheers :P

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