Archive for April, 2005

April 9, 2005

disclaimer III

Something I’ve written to a reader sometime ago :

“well, this blog is about everything. And that very well includes bitching and discrimination.

there’s no religion nor human rights in this blog. There’s no democracy either. Everything’s at the tip of my fingertips … and it’s about what my brain likes to think after a stressful day of work.

So, the whole thing’s pretty much like a prison meal … you eat whatever’s served – you are however allowed to file a complaint to the warden if you find it shitty, but that’s just a psychological relief to avoid prison riot … there’s actually nothing much you can do about it.

*shrugs*”

michaelooi  | site stuff  | Comments Off
April 8, 2005

unintended disparagement

I was working on something important when my lab phone wailed. As I was the nearest to that damn noisy thing (25 feet away), I went ahead to answer it… was greeted by a ‘somewhat sweet’ female voice. She asked for our lab technician, named Doof.

I then put the lady on hold and yelled for Doof’s name.

Me : “Doof ! Phone call for you !” [proceed to walk back to my table]

Doof : [snit look on his face] “Who’s that?”

Me : “Some girl with a sweet voice… your girlfriend perhaps…”

Doof : [glows like a light bulb] “Ooooooo… thanks”

Doof dashed excitedly to the phone… while I continued to do what I was doing earlier, and at the same time, also wondered how could a sleaze like Doof managed to get himself such a neat girlfriend. It was kinda like a stray thought.

Doof talked for about a whole minute and hung up. He then walked up to me and gave me that disgusted stare…

I looked back at him.

Me : “What? What are you looking at?”

Doof : “Sweet voice you say?? My girlfriend?? You bastard !”

Me : “What the fuck ??”

Doof : “That’s PANDA you dolt!! My girlfriend ain’t no Panda!! You trying to insult me or what??”

I’ve never seen him so aggravated before. Apparently, I was also irked by my sudden drop in esteem to refer that bearlike mammal as ‘sweet’. I duly responded to Doof’s confrontation with a mere yelp… and repeatedly smacked my head with my own palm.

Damn it dudes… next time you hear a ‘sweet’ voice on the phone, don’t be too quick to judge it yet. You might be speaking to a disastrous looking person. Like Panda. Ugghhh.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 8 Comments
April 6, 2005

invasion of the invertebrates

Saw today’s news about those heaps of sea cucumbers being washed up to our Malaysian shores ? According to our local scientists, it’s an extraordinary phenomenon (do we really need a scientist to tell us that ?). And during my drive home from work today, I overheard a news update from the radio that those marine slugs were being washed up ashore due to some miniscule tsunami happenings around our region.

Yeah right, like you can blame everything on tsunami. My unpaid taxes. My missing CD’s. My slumping shares. The birds at my workplace carpark that seem to have a never ending bowel movement problem… They’re all caused by the fucking tsunami. Right, right.

I tell you, it’s all a cover up. It has nothing to do with the tsunami. The whole thing’s actually a federal boner. Remember yesterday’s piece of news that the DPM (Deputy Powderful Man) whined about those missing foreign workers that were supposed to arrive to work here ? Yes, 169000 of them… and not a single soul turn up. What happened? They overslept and missed their plane? What… all of them? And after that press conference yesterday … we suddenly have a few hundred thousands of slugs showing up a day later (which is today…). Coincidence ? I don’t think so.

You know, I suspected someone from the top (god knows who) had made a wrong order from the labor catalog (no surprise, they always make stupid mistakes). Like he’s supposed to tick “construction workers” on the order form, but he actually ticked the wrong box as “government workers” ? And WHAM! Order delivered. Our foreign “workers” are now crawling up to get to work.

These slugs workers are good at :
- eating non stop and sleep.
- idling at work
- staring blankly at monitor for hours
- extremely slow productivity
- stodgy demeanor
- extremely low intelligence

Perfect candidates as government workers. Or shall I say, even better (because they don’t have a face that frowns…)

But now, we have a problem. We need construction workers, not government workers. We need those Indons that can climb I-beams without safety gears and someone for our cops to shoot at. These slugs are just too slow to do all that and we need to build more world’s tallest/largest/widest/longest/motherfuckest architectures! What should we do ?

There’s only one solution. We relinquish the current government workers off their job and make them hard laborers. It’s much easier to train those bunch of vegetation with limbs than that bunch of marine slugs (marine slugs are better as government workers, remember ?). This is to control the loss at its minimum level (our Board of Directors often refer this act as “control handsome”)

1) replacing government workers with slugs – minimum impact, as both species are sharing almost the same characteristics.
2) current government workers – they have hands and legs which they seldom use … are at least better than those slugs who aren’t really suitable for construction jobs.

So, don’t be surprised if you happen to see slugs start showing up at your nearest income tax office … they’re our new government workers’ replacement.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 11 Comments
April 5, 2005

mandarin class

I enrolled for a Mandarin class at my workplace ! [big deal].

Today, was the first session of the series of classes I have to attend (at the expense of our working hours, how cool). The lecturer was a chick in her early 30′s, which turned out to be quite a surprise for me… as my perception of Mandarin classes was, they are usually taught by some pervert looking middle aged codger that has a penchant of collecting Hello Kitty girly underwear and pink butt plugs…

She was quite fair in complexion, very normal looking though, just like any girl next door. The thing that made me notice about her, was her hippy style – you know, frigging long hair, kaleidoscope patterned linen blouse matched with a pair of colorful flowery flare skirt and some voodoo-ish looking hand-woven bracelet. Short of a bandana on her head and some bongs, she’d be looking like Yoko in her ‘hippiest’ years; strumming some scores, flashing tits, having sex and smoking weeds for world peace. She didn’t looked a wee bit like a Mandarin class lecturer to me. More like a meditation guru preaching some subconscious out-of-body experience shits.

Well, the class I had today turned out to be quite pleasant after all. Yoko taught us about some Mandarin pronunciation standard (forgot what it’s called) and some common greetings that required the whole class to repeat her up like chanting mantras. Kinda awkward at first, especially the part where Yoko asked each of the class participants to introduce him/herself (in Mandarin). Damn I was so “looking like a tool” doing that in front of the class. But then, the feeling of queerness quickly dissipated after I had my sufficient dose of retaliation laughing back at other stammering tools.

Now, why do I want to learn Mandarin all out of a sudden ? Well, that’s because I finally realized how screwed I am as a Chinese, who doesn’t know how to speak our mother language properly. I don’t even know how to write my own Chinese name… [shut the fuck up already]. Am taking this opportunity to catch up and compensate what I’ve missed out over the years…

Besides, my job function now requires me to converse with those Taiwanese engineers from abroad, and I foresee that it would be an advantage for my career development to know Mandarin … learning their culture… spreading the dragon heritage … making my ancestors proud… [stand up to stare beyond the ceiling while holding a clenched fist up in the air...]

Alright, fuck it. I enrolled to learn Mandarin because I wanted to sing those lofty Chinese love songs in karaoke – to broaden the potential of my golden voice of mesmerizing, to charm more types of girls, to cuss proficiently in Mandarin at the Taiwanese fucktards and be able to comprehend what those Chinese pornstars are moaning about… Oo yeah bebeh !

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 35 Comments
April 3, 2005

the serpent

I do not know if this is just me or is this happening to other guys as well. It seems that each time I wake up in the morning (or sometimes, in the middle of the night) to take a whiz, I will always miss the target. I do not know why.

Yeah I know, this problem is usually attributed to the mysterious hard-on that we guys get whenever we wake up from a deep sleep. Usually, I’ll just need to tilt myself little towards the front to aim my rock hard dick pointing down at the puddle of water in the bowl… and pee away.

Sounded simple, right ? But no, my rebellious serpent would always gush my bladder content out in an unpredictable forceful torrent of piss (everytime), that it bolted me off my position; shooting the piss either out of the bowl onto the toilet floor, or onto the rim itself. And if it’s happening in the middle of the night, it would take a frustrating effort of adjusting my still shooting stream of piss back on target – which usually, would end up spraying the whole toilet seat with my piss before finally hearing the plopping sound of piss-hitting-the-water-puddle (since I couldn’t see in the dark).

What’s more frustrating, is that I’ll have to spend the next minute or so cleaning the whole toilet bowl with water, in order to save myself some gripes from Emily (let’s not even mention the toilet seat conflict that we always have…).

It just baffles me every time. I’ve been pissing with the same dick for like, 28 fucking years ?… and yet, I don’t seem to be able to control part of it’s function. And I don’t think marksmanship is the factor here. It’s that rebellious serpent.

(Girls, if your boyfriend/husband pisses all over the place, please be considerate to not scold/nag him. It’s not his fault. Just clean/ignore the toilet, and make no trouble out of it)

michaelooi  | rantings  | 24 Comments