This movie is a total crap. Avoid it at all cost. Why ? Here’s why …

1) Lame Storyline
The same lame storyline in a typical adventure movie, you know - bad guys trying to fuck the whole planet up. A hero appears with his funny sidekick and a hot girl, got unbelievably lucky foiling the bad guy’s evil plot. Kills the mob boss, bone the girl, bask a heroic ending and lives happily ever after.

2) Bad casting
The whole cast wouldn’t have looked that bad … if it wasn’t for the main character which was played by Matthew McConaughey. It just doesn’t add to the formula of an adventure/action film. He’s not funny, is clumsy and has problem focussing with his eyes when talking to someone - so seriously apparent, that it actually convinced me that he has a set of crossed eyes.

3) Preposterous plots
- When you’re being shot with heaps of automatic high powered rifles, you can’t just get lucky enough to be able to live right out of it because the entire platoon of enemy soldiers can’t shoot no shit.
- Camels/vehicles don’t just appear when you needed them most.
- Enemy soldiers don’t just surrender when their general dies.
- You can’t just drive an antique car like an all-terrain 4 wheel drive vehicle.
Things like that.

You know, they could have just hired The Rock to play a role as a madman punching camels in the middle of the desert. It probably would have been a lot more interesting and make more senses.

I was driving along a straight stretch of road this morning, doing about 100 kph slowing down for a couple of factory bus obstacle when I saw a very fast object approaching from behind. Not wanting any troubles, I swerved my car to the slower lane, giving way to that neck breaker that was doing at least 130 kph.

It was a Malay guy in his unique puke green Wira.

He sort of drove straight into right behind the gigantic factory bus’ ass, almost hitting it, and tail gated it so close that if vehicles were to have human rights and ability to speak, that behemoth junk is probably gonna file a suit for sexual harassment for sniffing it’s ass.

I don’t really understand what the guy’s trying to do there. But whatever he’s doing there, I reckoned that it must be something really bold and intelligent at the same time. Something that us commoners wouldn’t understand or have the audacity to try out. Something that would make them be worshipped upon … admired as a martyr… and be told for generations as a legendary hero.

Well, because intelligence is a factor, I probably will not be able to find out exactly what’s this special stunt all about. Not even in this life, ever. So, what I can do is, to give my best guess on what that heroic young Malay man is trying to do there.

My guess is, that guy is trying to get into an accident, for the good of our country. Now, how could that be possible … you know, getting into an accident would actually do something good for the country ? It boggles even the mind of a genius, but I finally manage to associate some logic behind it. That honourable act was to create opportunities for others to make a better living … and reap benefits from his death.

How ? Here’s how :

The moment he got into an accident, his car is going to crumple up like nothing you’ve ever seen before (Proton car safety feature), and that will actually prompt our firemen into action - you know, prying his car with crowbars and the “jaws of life” (althought the guy’s dead, but still…) - like what a real fireman should do. It’s an honourable job. I mean, what could be more honourable than extracting some guy’s dead body from his fucked-beyond-recognition vehicle in a terrible accident ? Putting out bush fires ? Rescuing a kitten stuck on some mango tree ? Or to catch a big ass python inside a chicken coop ? No way those are honourable.

Then, his car, now a junk, would make it’s way into some Indian guy’s metal junkyard - which to the junkyard owner’s delight, is gonna earn him an extra few hundred bucks smelting it into something more useful … like crowbars to pry MORE accident victims out of their Protons. (If you were to ask me, I would say … this is a very good example of a modern symbiosis concept).

Now that the speeding hero’s croaked, the undertaker will have more work to do. And the dead hero’s family will pay someone to give him a proper funeral and burial procedure… and if he had bought some insurance, his wife is gonna get the appropriate compensation as well. Everyone’s happy (except his wife, well… for the initial few months before she manage to move on with her life with that sum of insurance compensation…)

Even his kids, if they are optimistic enough, would lead a happier life less a father to nag him. Which means, he (if a guy) will get to enjoy more liberty in his teenage life to romp around, like :
- productively hanging out in shopping mall corridors,
- send expensive SMS to some TV station just to watch their message appear briefly on the TV screen for a couple of seconds (which would in turn, make our local TV station richer by that much)
- choose their own sexuality and fulfill their dream to be somebody’s artificial sex slave
- achieve extraordinary human feats by flying through the air riding their loud, heavily modified 2 wheelers in the middle of the night …

Just to name a few.

Then, when that guy’s dead body were to be buried into the ground, the maggots and bugs couldn’t have been happier to see a Happy Meal with a smily face served before them, and the remaining of the the decomposed pus would seep deep inside the ground to fertilize the vegetations and grasses nearby - which in turn, would provide enough nourishment to some edible herbivores …that was known to taste really good as a kurma dish in some really happy occasion…

And who would have foreseen all these happening ? Not us commoners. Only the guy whom we always mistakenly regarded as reckless… the tailgater behind a factory bus.

To our valiant factory bus tailgater, I dedicate this poem to you :

You’re like a burning candle melting wax,
dripping on a bimbo in a kinky sex,
Sacrificing yourself for the good of many,
Illuminates the dark and satisfies the horny.

My lab has recently hired a new temp named Mark. Quite a nice guy. Despite years older than me, he actually looked much younger than I am (and needless to say, less macho as well). A stranger would have thought that he’s a high school student instead of someone in his early 30’s.

Part of his job was technical - analyzing defective computer parts inside the lab, which is known to be haunted. Yeah, the place that I spend almost 9 hours a day, is known to be haunted. But I’ve never seen anything abnormal happening over there before… save for a few times that the fire exit alarm went off by itself… just, nothing that resembled a ghost or something. (the scariest thing I’ve ever seen inside that lab were dead toasted lizards stuck inside power supplies…)

A couple days ago, Mark actually asked me about it, to confirm about the haunting. One of my buddies (which is also his buddies prior working here) actually told him - not to work inside the lab after 7pm and told him about the haunting. Needless to say, Mark was concerned … and there’s a hint of fear veiled in his question…

Not wanting to spoil the fun, I told him something like this :
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Just, if you hear something weird or funny when you’re alone in this lab … the best thing to do is, to switch off your monitor, calmly grab your belongings, and leave the lab.”

Mark responded “Damn… can’t I just bail without shutting off the monitor ??”

I’m trying hard not to laugh and said to him - “Nope. Help the company save electricity. You’ll have to shut it off dude. Oh, and don’t forget your car keys, you wouldn’t want to return back here to collect it with the weird things going on …”

“Man, looks like I got to pray a lot to get some peace here …”

I don’t know if Mark is taking this seriously but, it was damn funny to see his expression after that. I just hope he doesn’t smoke the whole place up burning paper offerings to buy some peace there…

I was chatting with one of the bloggers today when suddenly, a flash of memory began to churn up hot in my mind. It was something important and ancient, that has been tucked in a dark corner somewhere inside my brain. I actually recalled when I first learnt my first profanity. No shit.

Well, actually, I’ve HEARD my father cuss in fancy profanities … way when I was still less than an inch (referring to my prick length). But back then, my mind hasn’t developed enough cells to differentiate between a good word versus the type of vocab which we humans deemed as derogatory. Hence, with the lack of knowledge and short memory span, I never actually learnt how to speak them. So, I would dismiss that as my first time learning and using a profanity. And that means, I’ll have to fast forward for a few more years when I was 7. Innocently, a standard 1 student.

As mischievous and curious like any other kids, I have repeatedly heard my savage grand-aunt cussing on the mahjong table. In Cantonese.

TIU NIA SING AH ! [fuck you something something] — I’m not really sure it’s true meaning …
TIU LEI LOW MEI AH ! [fuck you something something] — no idea the latter part of the sentence…
TIU NIA MAH CHOW HAI AH ! [fuck your mom's stinking cunt !] — this one, I know…

Basically, “tiu” this and “tiu” that (If it’s still not that obvious to you, “Tiu” is actually the Cantonese equivalent of the word “fuck”). There were many fanciful “tiu’s”. It can be used as a transitive verb, or an intransitive verb, doesn’t matter. Nice word - so thought I. That time, I was just beginning to learn Cantonese in my maternal family (my mother tongue is actually Hokkien).

And most definitely, the word “tiu” somehow manage to register in my mind like a magic word - after hearing it being summoned so many frigging times on the mahjong table… but without actually knowing the meaning. (My undeveloped mind somehow thought it was a verb to describe an act of biffing somebody up with a stick… how wrong was I…)

Then came one day, while I was hanging out with the group of ribald housewives at a wet market (I used to tag my mom to the market when I was a kid), my grand-aunt berated at me for being pain in the ass for something I did (which I forgot…), and actually quoted the word “tiu”.

“Tiu lei low mei ah ! Lei ti ko lau hai ka chat !” [fuck your something something ! You cunt spelunking cockroach !]

I immediately lighted up like a bulb upon hearing that word. “I know that word ! She’s threatening to hit me !”. And so, with my newly gained vocab, I shouted back at her (well, in a frivolous manner) “Ngo tiu lei low mei ah !”. Well, I didn’t know it’s real meaning (even to date !) but I best guessed that it’s definitely something good to retort that mean witch.

My first profanity sentence ? Sent my grand-aunt, my mom and the rest of the housewives shedding tears, laughing like sick fucks. I was needless to say bewildered by their reactions. What’s so funny about that sentence ? That was when my grand-aunt regained her composure to ask me a question

“Lei yong mieh tiu aa ?” [what are you gonna use to fuck ?]

And I answered her “Chai lor…”. Which basically means, a stick. To fuck her with a stick. She almost contracted a stroke from laughing too hard. The rest of the housewives suffered from serious cramps.

Later that day, my mom gave me a motherly advice - that I shouldn’t use that word at all. That’s because it’s a bad word and would make me sound impertinent like an uneducated brat. That I should respect old people. Bla bla bla. And that’s how I learnt it’s a profanity - at a relatively young age.

Is this just me ? When did you cuss your first profanity ? Or the earliest year you can remember yourself cussing something vulgar ? I’m opening up the commenting system to survey. (to those who proclaim that they don’t cuss, just tell what you’d do when you’re feeling pissed)

My apartment block has always been a sanctuary place for a flock of pigeons. I do not know why, they seem to have that uncanny attraction towards our building block. At night, they’re usually found hanging out at the edge of our building roof, you know, having parties and sex… shedding a whole deal lot of feathers and the most annoying of all, embellishing our awnings with their diarrhea of droppings.

My mom wasn’t too comfortable with the fact that she’ll have to see our own apartment being made a pigeon toilet (also heard that pigeon droppings are highly toxic). So, a couple months ago, she carefully laid a netting trap across one of the hottest spot above our window ledge, in hope of teaching those pestilent head bobbers a lesson or two.

Well, she finally caught one alright. It was a pigeon with a dark grey feather, stuck upside down with it’s feet entangled on the net. She then took the bird down and began her work on it. With a scissor, my mom trimmed a large part of the helpless pigeon’s wings and flicked it’s head repeatedly while chanting some profanities (which, the pigeon wouldn’t understand). She had heaps of fun alright …and finally, released that poor thing back into it’s social life. But my mom did take note about that look in the pigeon’s eyes, it was of a vindictive look … but she didn’t give much damn about it.

Until a few days ago, when I was busy surfing something important in my living room (my mom wasn’t around), I suddenly saw it walking up towards our apartment unit’s entrance. That same dark grey pigeon. It peeked into our unit to check if there’s anyone around … and saw me. That was when I reacted by stretching out my clawed arms trying to scare that audacious pigeon away. But it just walked back a few steps nonchalantly, apparently not affected by my display of potential hostility. I tried harder, but that little guy just stood there watching me doing those foolish acts.

I felt the whole thing was kinda bizarre, so, I asked Emily to check that pigeon out as well. Now seeing 2 humans waving madly at it, the pigeon took a couple steps further back just to be safe … but nothing else affects it after that distance. I eventually grew bored intimidating that small creature and went back to my surfing.

But again, that pigeon boldly walked up to our entrance and stared at me - and this time, I’m kinda astonished by it’s adamant behaviour. I’ve never seen anything like this before (well, obviously, I’ve seen a fucking pigeon, or a pigeon fucking … but I haven’t seen a pigeon so curious before). I tried to remain static this time, just to find out what the pigeon was up to. Was it looking for food ? Or was it just trying to “peace” up with me. But I’m about to find out soon.

It stared at me for about 10 seconds, and then turned around pointing it’s butt straight at my apartment entrance … and jettisoned out a piece of greenish turd on our shoe rug ! Just as it was trying to purge more of it’s shit out, I quickly stormed out from my unit to grab that bird (now ain’t that vulgar ?) … instigating it to flap it’s wing madly to bail out … and escaped out into the open space. I just stood there dumbfucked at what I’ve just witnessed. A pigeon taking revenge against human.

I felt very lucky that it was just 1 pigeon. I can’t imagine if that guy were to invite it’s whole bevy of birdhood to poo on my rug. Or worst, on my Lorraine which has just been washed that day. Animals nowadays are simply scary. They learnt too much from horror movies.