mandarin class
I enrolled for a Mandarin class at my workplace ! [big deal].
Today, was the first session of the series of classes I have to attend (at the expense of our working hours, how cool). The lecturer was a chick in her early 30’s, which turned out to be quite a surprise for me… as my perception of Mandarin classes was, they are usually taught by some pervert looking middle aged codger that has a penchant of collecting Hello Kitty girly underwear and pink butt plugs…
She was quite fair in complexion, very normal looking though, just like any girl next door. The thing that made me notice about her, was her hippy style - you know, standard length frigging long hair, kaleidoscope patterned linen blouse matched with a pair of colourful flowery flare skirt and some voodoo-ish looking hand-woven bracelet. Short of a bandana on her head and some bongs, she’d be looking like Yoko in her ‘hippiest’ years; strumming some scores, flashing tits, having sex and smoking weeds for world peace. She didn’t looked a wee bit like a Mandarin class lecturer to me. More like a meditation guru preaching some subconscious out-of-body experience shits.
Well, the class I had today turned out to be quite pleasant afterall. Yoko taught us about some Mandarin pronunciation standard (forgot what it’s called) and some common greetings that required the whole class to repeat her up like chanting mantras. Kinda awkward at first, especially the part where Yoko asks each of the class participants to introduce ourselves (in Mandarin). Damn I was so “looking like a tool” doing that in front of the class. But then, the feeling of queerness quickly dissipated after having my sufficient dose of retaliation laughing back at other stammering tools.
Now, why do I want to learn Mandarin all out of a sudden ? Well, that’s because I finally realized how screwed I am as a Chinese, that doesn’t know how to speak our mother language properly. I don’t even know how to write my own Chinese name… [shut the fuck up already]. Was taking this opportunity to catch up and compensate what I’ve missed out over the years…
Besides, my job function now requires me to converse with those Taiwanese engineers from abroad, and I foresee that it would be an advantage for my career development to know Mandarin … learning their culture… spreading the dragon heritage … making my ancestors proud… [stand up to stare beyond the ceiling while holding a clenched fist up in the air...]
Alright, fuck it. I enrolled to learn Mandarin because I wanted to sing those lofty Chinese love songs in karaoke - to broaden the potential of my golden voice of mesmerizing, to charm more types of girls, to cuss proficiently in Mandarin at the Taiwanese fucktards and be able to comprehend what those Chinese pornstars are moaning about… Oo yeah bebeh !
learing chinese at your age? lol…anyway, after learning chinese, don’t sing love songs in karaoke please…i don’t wan the rain to fall everyday!!
I took up chinese in uni…(regretting it now…but too late to change course since i’ve wasted all that time on it) for the first reason, wanted to be able to communicate with my extended family when i go to malaysia…didn’t make use of it at all…ended up speaking english all the way.
I guess porn would be a good motivation too…hahaha
good to see another person learning to speak Chinese! BTW, they’re teaching mandarin/hokkien, right? check out Cantonese… the best swearing dialect ever. Sounds rude, is rude. And the swear words aren’t just limited to the crotch like in English either.
Don’t worry, doc Chinese name is much difficult to write in traditional chinese than yours.
p/s: But it is easier to write doc surname in simplified Chinese ;p
Bahh … you sure you will be able to master it within these few weeks of courses? … hehe =)
LOL.
I can imagine u introduce urself in Mandarin.Must be damn funny.
Dunno how to write ur own Chinese name?Well,u shld learn from my dad.Last time,he also dunno how to write his…cos his name is too complicated(too many strokes,u know those chinese characters).After attending mandarin class,he learnt those simple words which sound similar(have the same pronunciation)with his name.So,he change his own chinese name.But it’s damn funny lor cos the meaning of his name now is so weird,something to do with the soil or the earth.
That’s y all the 3 siblings of us have very simple chinese name that r easy to write.
Hmmm…juz wondering what’s ur chinese name?
Btw,yay,yay,i’m better than u!I know how to speak mandarin fluently leh but dunno how to read or write in chinese.At least i know how to write my own chinese name.=PpP
I think i have better stop now…or else u’ll mock at my stupidity of the pdf file again.
wah… afturds you start blogging in mandarin pulak… hey… it’s an improvement, mike, learning a new language is ALWAYS a good thing.
plus there’re hardly any swear words in mandarin.
i feel for u bro..i’m a chinese who can’t speak mandarin as well…oh wait…the only mandarin words i know are of the vulgar types..haha..oh well…
My perception of Mandarin teachers is always fierce old hags who might eat you up if you didn’t do your homework hahahahah
I took up mandarin classes in my workplace too bout a year ago. But the lau si was a mid thirties barrel chested guy. Blek. Manage to only complete a measly 5 lessons. Now my conversations are conducted in 50% Engrish, 25% Hokkien, 15% Melayu, 5% Canto and 5% Mandarin. Wooohooo!!!
heaven - Don’t worry, I’m not gonna sing it to you.
honey - I’ve always wanted to learn Chinese… I was once in a serious dilemma in Taiwan alone just because I couldn’t speak Mandarin. I’ll blog about this some other time.
randomshinichi - oooh… Hokkien and Cantonese. Seriously, I would love to learn how to swear in those dialects… kaninia leh… *wink*
moo_t - Why are you calling me doc ? Do you know this is MichaelOoi.net ? Doc’s next door lah.
kenjiro - You bet.
tEo - My Chinese name means “healthy world”. Seriously.
minishorts - Hardly any swear words ? Then I see a potential here. I’m gonna invent swear words for Mandarin, and spread the new found knowledge.
pgslacker - You should have shared your knowledge here you know…
kevin - One common word describes them all - Kam Sau (cantonese).
cmos - I guess the look of the lecturer does make a difference in his/her lecture after all. Hmmm…
remember to do your homework k.. hehe.. heard that got alot of homework one…
hehe.. wait till she makes you practice writing/tracing chinese characters in those box-exercise book thingys. You’ll feel like you’re back in school and seven again. :p
Btw, u’ll be happier cursing in cantonese, or better yet, hokkien. Mandarin is just too courteous.
LMAO!!! I can imagine…
Michael : “~~Dui mian de nu hai kan guo lai, kan guo lai, kan guo lai~~”
Ah Kua : *digging boogers* “Ah Hia, you call me ah?”
“they are usually taught by some pervert looking middle aged codger that has a penchant of collecting Hello Kitty girly underwear and pink butt plugs…”
You mean Hanyi don’t you?
Luckily we don’t live in mainland China, otherwise it is hard to guess the correct chinese writing for your first/surname name(in Chinese, not English first name).
If I am not mistaken, Ooi can be 魏 or 卫. For the earlier, there is no simplified chinese writing for it..
The 魏 character is actually composition of “rice”, “girl” and “ghost”. What, good represent for people have good night life.
Healhty in mandarin spell as “Jian Kang”.
World in mandarin have many synonyms. It can be “Shi Jie”,”Tian Shia”, etc.
“WARNING : this site is rated 62% Evil. Readers are advised to read the full disclaimer at the bottom of this site before proceeding.”
Shit, this article and comments are evil. @__@
TaMADe is d fav swear word in mandarin…
hihihi….i went to mandarin class once just becoz i want to communicate better with my chinesse frens…but imagine
i have spent rm300 just to know simple greeting, numbers, colours..etc
they said the next level would be fruits, food and more numbers i guess…but i didn’t continue
damn…i rather communicate in english coz it cost me so much…just to learn how to ask “ni hou ma?”
good luck though!!
i didn’t pick up mandarin coz the swear words in hokkien and cantonese sounds so much better, can sing song summore. need more than TaMaDe to get me to pick up mandarin. wait! maybe reading chinese porno novels could be a reason… hmmmm
elphine - Yeah, I bet some of your colleagues are in there too.
tsewei - I’m gonna change that fact. Mandarin’s not gonna be the same anymore after I’ve learnt it.
doc - That cow’s not my standard, ok ? He’s cheap. This is my standard = http://photo.boxup.com/photo/albumphoto/cd9903/990308.jpg
ST - Well, any similarities to persons living or dead are purely coincidental.
moo_t - I share the same surname with our famous Kwangtung Tiger - Master Wong.
ken - Good luck in growing up.
shellfish - That’s not really a ’swear’ if you were to ask me. It only means “his/her mother’s…”, but didn’t really specify his/her mother’s WHAT. So that phrase should be accompanied by a profane noun. Like “tamade cheebye !”. Now THAT’S swearing.
dean_dang - Mine’s under my company’s expense … so, couldn’t have cared less.
belacans - Soon after this, it’s gonna be Japanese language, then Korean, Latino, German, Hindi …
Try saying the following in Mandarin:
1) Miss, I want to sell my Nissan BlueBird.
2) Miss, is your paper white?
Cheers.
Thats the problem isnt it? Everybody thinks that to be chinese, you have to be proficient in your mother tongue, love to eat pork and lard, consume ginseng.. Doesnt matter in the end right? Make those taiwanese bastards learn english instead.. better for them too
LMAO. I can still remeber your encounter with the Chee-Cheong-Fun. Good job picking up Mandarin class. Live til old, learn til old
Ooi in Penang Hokkien dialect means yellow (’Wong’ in Canto). But about your full name, if I’m not mistaken, should be Michael Ooi Jian Shi
This one is good .. muahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa
2) Miss, is your paper white? - Siow cheh, ni di chi bai mah ?
cariss/kenjiro - How about, “I’ll take it for you” ? wo kanina …
uh-mir - Well, the Taiwanese bastards can learn English… but in the end, we learn nothing. That’s why I take up Mandarin.
alphonso - I have no idea how you came up with that shitty name. If you know Mandarin, teach me some profanities instead. It’s more practical.
Kang jie?
jian shi?
jian jie?
Which one?
I’m a banana too.. *sad case* at least I can write my surname..ahhahaha
“some pervert looking middle aged codger that has a penchant of collecting Hello Kitty girly underwear and pink butt plugs…”
LOL!!! Where’s Hanyi?
EF - Dude, if you have nothing better to do, go water some plants … or feed some animals, ok ?
Reta - Bananas are good. Rich in potassium.
Paul - any similarities to persons living or dead are purely coincidental. *wink*
Way to go, Michael. To help you learn better, let me direct you to some useful sites:
http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/cantonese.htm
or
http://www.insultmonger.com/swearing/index.htm
for more languages. You know, globalization and those shits.
I can always spend 2 minutes browsing the comments and 30 seconds figuring your chinese name
ANd don’t avoid the question 
You can run but never can you hide.
So which is your chinese name
Heee… now I know why Mike’s English so good liao. I’m actually picking a lot of new English vocabs from your blog each day. My Mandarin much better than my English. So, now I’m trying hard to make my English better.
I have a hideous chinese name.. if anyone ask me to introduce myself.. with my chinese name.. i would die..!
Here’s a thought: in English, cursing is done with body parts: comparison to or synecdoche with genitalia, buttocks and whatnot are the hight of vulgarity. “You testicle!” It just sounds bad in English.
In Scandinavian languages, curses tend towards religion. According to my Norwegian friend, calling someone a “damn demon” is, like, your mom sends you to bed without supper.
In Latin languages, comparing someone to an animal is the right way to be rude. Here in Texas, much like the Esquimaux have a hundred words for snow, each animal is a slight variation on an insult. “Pinche cabron” doesn’t have the same cachet as “pinche buey”.
I still try to get my friend from northern China to tell me how to curse in Mandarin, but he won’t tell me anything about how it works.