Archive for April, 2005

April 30, 2005

aviation club membership

A friend who works in some flying business gave me something awesome yesterday. A fully sponsored membership for an exclusive club – The Aviation Sports Club of Penang (ASCP). Initially, I don’t know what the hell was this club all about… but later when I found out, I was bespattered with astonishment all over.

– free lifetime insurance coverage for my family. (that includes if I have a pet dog, he’ll be covered as well. Doesn’t include cats though)
– free access to the club’s exclusive gym and unisex sauna bath.
– 50% discount in all transactions inside the club (karaoke, pub, watersports activities)
– there’s a big fucking pool for you to waste at the club, totally free as well
– the club is also famous for it’s free monthly strippers’ party which was exclusive for its members only.
– and you can bring limited to 12 of your buddies into the club for all that benefits as well !
– so much more, and everything is free.

I was totally speechless when my friend told me that I’m now a member for this swanky club – courtesy of his gratitude for our long time friendship. Isn’t that sweeet ?

All I gotta do is exhibit this chip-embedded glow in the dark car sticker each time when I enter the club, and I will be instantly authorized entry as a member … Here’s the picture of the unique sticker I’ve adhered on my car windscreen…

Truth : Some bird had a diarrhea on my windscreen.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 13 Comments
April 28, 2005

fling a sandal

Back during my childhood, I depended on no electronics to keep myself occupied. No playstation, no games, definitely no internet. Mom didn’t believe in the myth – that investing money in her kids’ toys would reap benefit for her welfare in the distant future – hence, no toys for me as well.

So, we (referring to myself and my childhood buddies) were basically left without any choice but to solely rely on our creativity to burn some time. Like coming up with our own games. No, I’m not referring to shitty games like hide and seek… or… hop-with-a-leg type… those are for wimps and sick little freaks that look like Michael Jackson. I’m talking about games that :

– are awesome and involve a lot of ass kicking (it’s always fun to kick some other kids asses…)
– require ZERO cost (couldn’t afford anything as we had limited or no pocket money at all)
– could keep more than 20 of us little devils occupied for at least a few hours.

We came up with many of them that fulfill the above criteria alright. But the one that stood out amongst the rest was a game which we fondly called, “Khan Eh” (translated as “Fling A Sandal”) – which was the motherfuckest of all wicked games that I had ever played as a kid. A game that sets a whole new definition of ‘fun’ and changed my life forever (kidding, I added the final phrase as a hyperbole…)

Following would be the details and rules about “Fling A Sandal” (I’m gonna do it in point form here for convenience’ sake) :

Requirements :
1) Minimum 14 players, must be even numbered to be divided into 2 teams. The more players, the better.
2) Each player must be barefooted and armed with one side of their flip-flop or sandal. (this will be their weapon)
3) A cemented space/court as the playground (preferably, the size of a basketball court). Indoor or outdoor, doesn’t matter.
4) You have to be minimum 7 years old to play this game.
5) You’re not in any way associated to the word ‘sissy’ or ‘pondan’.

How to play :
a) Players are divided into 2 teams that oppose each other. One team as “defender”, and another as the “invader”.
b) Flip a coin to decide which team to play as “defender”/”invader”. (or simply select a representative from each team to arm wrestle…The winner gets to decide which role the team wants to play…)
c) The “defender” must first build a “sandal shrine” inside a big circle of approximately 5 feet in diameter (can be drawn with a chalk or something), which is suppose to be the center of the universe. Everything else rotates around it. It is their duty to safeguard the shrine at all cost.
d) To build the “sandal shrine”, the defenders just need to lean 3 sandals on each other in an upright position. May sound easy but, trust me, it requires a lot of skills to do it. Refer illustration to understand better.
e) Once the shrine is up, the defenders are required to stand at an offset of 30 ft away from it and wait.
f) The invaders are then required to ‘attack’ the shrine by flinging their sandals from that same spot of 30 ft offset (the 2 teams should now be standing at that same spot). If the invaders somehow ran out of sandals and unable to strike the shrine down, they lose the game.
g) On the other hand, if the shrine is struck by an invader’s flinging sandal and collapses, both team would then engage each other in battle mode.
h) In the battle mode, each team would have their own objective
– invaders : to go all out trying to immobilize all the defenders. (to immobilize the defenders, just smack/fling them with a sandal…)
– defenders : try to rebuild the shrine without getting killed.
To which, if any of the team achieves their objective, will win the game. (please note that during the battle mode, the invaders are not allowed to go into the shrine’s big circle.)
i) Once the game ends, both team would then switch their roles as defender-invader … and repeat the whole process.

Rules :
– Killing and crying is prohibited. Violators will be pummeled and banned from joining any future games.

So, basically, you’ll see kids running everywhere trying to smack each other stupid. It’s energetic, fun and full of suspense … especially when you’re looking out for flying sandals that may land flat on your face while trying to balance that 3 fucking pieces of sandals to rebuild the shrine.

Kids nowadays only know how to gain weight and being a big pussy…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 17 Comments

somewhere

old lady inside a grocery store : “WHERE ARE THE EGGS !?”
fishmonger outside a market : “WHERE ARE MY FISHES !?”
housewife inside a hypermarket : “WHERE ARE THE CHICKENS !?”
schoolkids outside their apartment : “WHERE’S THE SCHOOLBUS !?”
unlucky dude at a crash site : “WHERE’S THE TOWTRUCK !?”
discontent old guy outside his compound : “WHERE’S THE GARBAGE TRUCK !?”
foreigner at an airport : “WHERE ARE ALL THE TAXI’S !?”
inventory manager at an electronics firm : “WHERE ARE THE RAW MATERIALS !?”
production line supervisor : “WHERE ARE ALL MY WORKERS !?”
workers at bus stations : “WHERE ARE ALL THE BUSES !?”

One common answer – They’re all at some petrol stations, somewhere.

This is what happens when a powerful idiot makes a wrong decision.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
April 27, 2005

for the good of others

Someone asked for my opinion about some religious teaching in a particular discussion.

“Michael, do you agree ?”

“Agree what ?”

“When someone slaps you on your right cheek ?”

“I’m listening”

“You should let the person slap your left cheek as well ?”

I paused for a moment there, staring at him. He explained further about the idea –

“That’s some religious teaching that guides us how to be humble and love one another…”

“I don’t know dude, but I think I’m gonna grab the nearest handy object and crash it on the person’s head. Once that fucker’s writhing in agony on the floor, I’ll then take advantage of the situation by stomping him on the ribs… hopefully would break one or two of them. Then, I’m gonna sit on him and work on his face … you know, punch till he goes purple…”

[aghast] “Man, you don’t believe in peaceful confrontation, do ya ?”

“Look… when the guy slaps you, he has obviously violated the paradigm of peace and has no absolute respect to your dignity. It is our duty to put an end to that menace by tranquilizing him down … so that he doesn’t do the same harm to others… you get what I mean ? Suppress the hazard for the good of others…” [smacks fist onto palm]

“Ehh heheh … a viable solution perhaps. Thanks for the opinion…”

I think that would probably be his final time to seek opinion from me… especially on religious paradoxes.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
April 24, 2005

what’s under ?

I was minding my own business on a chair (daydreaming) when my little 3 year old nephew came and stood right in front of me. He was sort of giving me this bashful look… like he was trying to show me something. I tried to ignore him, but I was not feeling very comfortable with him staring at me like that. So, I decided to find out if there was anything that I could do for him to leave me alone.

I first stooped down closer to his view level and gave him a “what’s up ?” tilt-of-head look… you know, with my friendliest looking state in order not to freak him out and trigger an amplified wail. But he kept staring at me with the same look, with no other responses. Well, maybe the kid didn’t get my message – and so, I resorted to ask him verbally in some shitty Mandarin, how may I be of help?

He finally showed some respond alright. He adjusted his posture sideways and partially pulled down his pants to reveal a pair of smaller garment inside… which I could see that it was a kiddy sized underwear. He showed it to me because it was a big-deal kind of thing for him… you know, like somekind of a physical testament that he’s that much more grown up than any other whipper-snappers of his age.

(if things are that simple. Become a “grown up” person by just wearing an underwear)

Of course, I pretended that I was impressed shitless “Oooh… you’ve got an underwear! Lemme see lemme see… Ooohh !” (feigned in amateurish Mandarin dialect). And he responded with a sheepishly proud-of-himself smile and went off to somewhere else to parade his new found status towards adulthood.

Now, come to think of it… I realized that I only started to wear my underwear when I was like… 11 years old ? Yeah. A few months before those black whiskers blossom from my spring chickened pubes region. I remember my old man used to tell me that one should wear an underwear to minimize the risk of getting circumcised naturally (or accidentally) by zippers… but I would shun him off with excuses like ‘it’s too friggin’ hot or just ‘less procedure to whip out my dick to take a piss’.

Laugh all you want, but, according to scientific studies, men wearing tight underwear in prolonged hours face higher risks of prostate cancer, impotency, stupidity, bollock gangrene, pubic hair loss (due to high concentration of salt) and sometimes, even death. And if you get any one of those boners, I’d be the one laughing back at you.

Best way, is to give your dork a little more air as he goes about. Don’t just cram it down in confined spaces… it’s not healthy.

(How old are you when you first started wearing an underwear ? Rape the commenting system please.)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 30 Comments