Archive for March, 2005

March 2, 2005

short blokes discrimination

Reasons why I think short blokes have better career prospects at my workplace.

– because they’re short, they’re much nearer to everyone’s crotch region. That makes it a tad more convenient for them to fellate everyone’s dick. Especially the boss’. If anything goes wrong, they would just suck away like a champ. That’s why male midgets are the most favorable type of animals in my workplace.

– because they’re short, they’re automatically lighter and more agile than everyone else. This is especially advantageous when the boss wants to look for a scapegoat to be slam dunked into the sacrificial pit. Being the lightest and most agile, they would be the first to disappear… hence, they cannot die. Or always die last.

– because they’re short, they take up less space. Whenever the boss wants to swat everyone up, they’ll be that much more easier to scurry around and have more options to hide in various sizes of holes. That way, they’ll always have a clean background.

– because they’re short, their height is just perfect for them to stretch their hands out and stab right in the middle of someone’s back. And even if they do it overtly in public, nobody would notice because they’re so fucking short.

– because they’re short, it’s easy for them to pretend to be cute. Old corporate ladies love cute stuff including men midgets. It doesn’t matter as long as he’s cute. And old corporate ladies usually rule over old VP dicks so, they’re all kinda connected to each other (old corporate ladies suck midgets’ dick, midgets suck VPs’ dick, VPs lick old ladies’ cunt, you get the idea)

That’s why I think it’s perfectly alright to discriminate them, beat them up or something. Corporate pests.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 18 Comments
March 1, 2005

fright factor

Emily and I were discussing about one of her girlfriends’ luck in relationships last night. That friend (let’s call her “Olive”), was already in her late 20’s, but has yet found a steady boyfriend or something. Probably haven’t even had sex before. It seemed that she has not been very lucky with the opposite gender… and Emily attributed that to her coy and conservative behavior… to which, I do not quite agree.

Emily : “But she has rejected countless of matchmaking events! I think it’s because of her reluctance to commit to a relationship. Maybe she preferred someone who is more matured than herself… ”

Me : “No, dear… maturity is not an issue here. Even if she digs those matchmaking efforts, it probably won’t work for her.”

Emily : “Why ?”

Me : “That’s because she’s not very good looking. You see, matchmakings are for love at first sight sort of shit… and with her… err… not very good looks, she’s probably going to induce fright at first sight more than anything else.”

Emily : [nods in agreement]

Me : “The only thing she can strike a chance of meeting someone special, is to socialize amongst her colleagues… hopefully those long period of meddling around would miraculously make someone discover about her beauty from inside… and overlook her disability…”

Emily : “Nurturing love through her good personality…” [nods slowly]

Me : “Yeah yeah … you got my point. You see, if you have a good personality, your looks would automatically become secondary. It’s not that important anymore. Good personality brings out the true beauty of an individual…”

Emily : [nods in agreement]

Me : “Take for example, the both of us …”

Emily : [glowered]

Me : “You’re so ugly and I didn’t mind your bad looks. I accepted you because of your good personality… heheh”

Emily : “WHAAAT ??”

Me : “Just joking dear… just joking… you’re the fairest of them all”

Emily : “If you ever say that I am ugly again, I’m gonna eat supper every night and gain weight…”


You see, a girl involuntarily stays lonely for only 3 common reasons (assuming the girl’s given the liberty to roam freely to socialize) :

1) bad behavior (ill tempered, irrational bitching, over sensitive, etc)
2) bad hygiene (reeked of decomposed carcass, odoriferous armpits, etc)
3) bad looks (downright repugnant like bugs, wild animals or clinical wastes, obesity, etc)

(girls, if you have all the 3 problems mentioned above, please head to the tallest structure you can find at your nearest town/city, and dive head down from it. That’s the only solution)

Obviously, Olive has problem number 3. No, she’s not a blimp. It’s about her looks which is not very ‘in conformance to most human male’s expectation’. Probably a Wookie might find her attractive (sorry, Star Wars season…)
She was somehow born without any eyebrows (or were they too scarce to be noticed ? I wasn’t sure) and with a complexion of a pig’s bladder. She’s goddamn fugly alright.

Luckily, she’s very neat in her attire and has a great personality… else it would have been catastrophic. So, it isn’t that bad after all. All she has to do is to mingle more with her office blokes… and hope that someday they’ll learn how to appreciate her inner beauty and strike some deal there. (Well hell, if that ugly hag Camelia Camilla can hook a prince’s heart making him disregarding all the protests from his royal family, what else in this world could be impossible?)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 33 Comments