Archive for March, 2005

March 12, 2005

let out session

Man, did you guys see those irated Indonesian barbarians picketing outside an embassy on TV ? What a fucked up piece of human waste they are. One minute they’re begging for the world to help them rebuild their disaster struck barren lands, and the next minute, they’re showing their awesomeness by burning our country’s flag. Fuck.

I really can’t understand why would they want to look for so much trouble when their own country is already in turmoil (corruption, civil wars, ethnic unrests, terrorism, bad body odor).

I think it would be good that we organize another round of donation for them … only this time, not for the purpose of charity … but to use it to fund up an all out offensive against them. We’ll use the fund to buy an assload of pebbles to be slingshot at those fuckers who love to picket so much. As for the labor, we can hire Banglas to do the job for us (we know the Banglas hated Indonesians very much). Trust me, the Banglas would definitely do a very good job in this.

I’m very sure those angry mob of Indons would feel much more better staying at home rather than being pelted like a fool by Banglas …

Tiuuu !

michaelooi  | rantings  | 15 Comments
March 10, 2005

cracked and clueless

When I was having lunch with my colleagues today, I blathered about some lunatic dude (no, not that everyday kinda lunacy, but the REAL mental type…) who used to roam around my old residential area many years ago. And that, somehow triggered a string of flashbacks in my brain… about those lunatics that I’ve encountered throughout my life. They somehow made me thought of wanting to blog about them …

Lunatics that I’ve encountered in my life

Who? : Gimme One Dollar guy. Nick given by me.
When? : between 1990 and 1998.
Where? : Air Itam, my second residential (as mentioned above).
Looks? : Male. In his 30’s. Skinnier than a dehydrated cadaver, with thick spiraling spectacles.
Characteristics? : Failed uni paper, cuckoo-ed his brain. Speaks proficient English. Hangs out around an Indian newspaper stall flagging up motorists begging for “a dollar”. “Gimme one dollar” he would say. Would never accept anything else except “a dollar”. If he is refused or given something else, would go ballistic shouting Hokkien profanities, and walks off nonchalantly to another motorist to repeat act.
Hostility? : Harmless. He’s harmless.

Who? : Bruce Lee
When? : early 90’s.
Where? : around the city of Penang.
Looks? : Male. Partially torn pants. Topless. Disheveled long hair.
Characteristics? : Celebrity madman. Everyone seems to know about this guy. He would saunter around like an arrogant Hong Kong triad boss, stops every 5 seconds interval to perform kungfu stance – eg. pummeling up his invisible enemies, flying kicks, quick punches and uppercutting elbows. Pause. Continue to walk and repeat process indefinitely.
Hostility? : Looks savage but harmless. Any mother in law could take him down anytime.

Who? : Cherrie Chung. Nick given by my mom
When? : mid 80’s.
Where? : Air Itam, first residential.
Looks? : Female. 3 “O” category – old, obese, odoriferous. Thick “makeup”.
Characteristics? : Lives in an illusion seeing herself as pretty. Paints her own face with odd items as makeup – eg. red dyes from josstick stems or Taoist paper money. Catwalks everywhere she goes and acts as if there are a thousand men ogling at her. Fact – men run helter skelter when she’s in vicinity because of her repugnant odor. *I once accidentally caught a whiff of her BO, and actually threw up in a nearby drain. I can’t really describe how it actually smelled like, and do not wish to think about it ever again.
Hostility? : Her odor is deadly. She herself is harmless.

Who? : Wong Fei Hung. Nick given by my mom
When? : mid 80’s.
Where? : Air Itam, first residential.
Looks? : Male. Looks like guy next door – normal.
Characteristics? : Used to be a religious medium that went mad without reason. At a glance, one won’t be able to tell if he’s a mental… but when he speaks, anyone will be able to instantly tell that nothing is right with his brain. Roams around to play with kids. Eats leftover food from all over the neighborhood. Kinda disliked him as a kid because he once stole my cup of Horlicks and poured it into his mouth. *Latest news I heard about him was about 10 over years ago, where he actually jumped to his death from his low cost apartment after telling his mom that he wanted to kill himself, which, his mom ignored him thinking that he was just uttering some nonsensical stuffs as he always did.
Hostility? : Harmless. Only hostile to himself.

Who? : The Vulgar Lady. Nick given by my mom
When? : mid 80’s.
Where? : Air Itam, first residential.
Looks? : Female. Skinny, sunken eyes, witch looks, middle age.
Characteristics? : Homeless loco lady that has an unbelievable trait of cussing in profanities. Would cuss at anything – people, dogs, cats, concretes, rocks, plants, you get the idea. *I would rate her as the scariest lunatic I’ve ever seen … and would often bail off when she’s nearby.
Hostility? : She looked hostile, sounded hostile and had an aura of hostility around her. But she had never hurt anyone before (not that I know of)

Who? : Ah Soh (as in Cantonese’s “crazy”)
When? : mid 80’s.
Where? : Air Itam, first residential.
Looks? : Female. Petite. Middle age. Sleepy eyes with crossed sight. Always in her pajamas everywhere she goes.
Characteristics? : She looks ideally like how a mental patient should look like. Even if she’s supposed to be normal, it’s really impossible to even make a person believe that she’s not crazy. Usually roams around the street hugging a doll or a teddy bear, talks and giggles to herself. Keeps coins inside both her hind ears, as big as a Malaysian 50 cents coin.
Hostility? : She’s harmless alright.

Who? : Tua Lam Par (big testicles in Hokkien)
When? : early 80’s.
Where? : around the city of Penang.
Looks? : Male. In his 30’s. Torn clothes. Wax-like hair due to deposition of filth.
Characteristics? : This guy walks like a crab – as if there’s something real big in between his legs. Every now and then, he would pause to smack his own crotch. Sometimes, would use a sling bag or something to do the smacking.
Hostility? : Harmless… but extremely smelly.

Who? : Eddie
When? : through my primary schooling years (he’s my classmate)
Where? : my school.
Looks? : Male. about my age. Shaven bald, slightly obese.
Characteristics? : Not an actual lunatic but has mental problems. Would roam around school terrorizing other students – spits at them, smears shit at them, hooting school teachers. Once spat at me and I kicked his ass so hard that I was automatically exempted from his shenanigans from then onwards. Would sometimes climb up to school rooftops and perform insane stunts to impress other students.
Hostility? : Harmless.

Who? : a random lady at a public bus station
When? : 1992
Where? : airport (fool, PUBLIC BUS STATION … see above)
Looks? : Female. Middle age. mushroom hairstyle, flower dress, thick glasses, umbrella.
Characteristics? : Roams around bus station talking to herself. Looks like a goddamn housewife, except she’s haywired inside her brain. Once walked up to Charles in pretense of asking something, and suddenly slapped him.
Hostility? : Mildly hostile with/without provocation.

Who? : a random lady in front of a roti canai stall
When? : mid 80’s
Where? : Air Itam, first residential.
Looks? : Female. mid 20’s. Nice figure. Face full of hickeys, buckteeth.
Characteristics? : Saw her only once. She was wearing an underwear with a T-shirt to a public food court and ordered a take-away roti canai. Stunned roti canai seller and rest of the patrons. Speaks and giggles by herself.
Hostility? : Depends. If roti canai seller operates heavy machinery, she would then be extremely dangerous.

Plenty more… which I couldn’t recall very well.

Observation : Some people wouldn’t go crazy until they reach middle age… so … be very careful. You might turn into one of them someday…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 27 Comments
March 9, 2005

new toy

Been busy with my brand new toy ….

click me

achieved one of my resolutions. Many more to go.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 29 Comments
March 8, 2005

eeeyucks

*A few days ago…

I was standing near our workplace entrance waiting for some of our missing lunch members, when I saw one of our managers waiting at the same area together with a fair lady. Did not recall seeing her before. Was a fair lady… probably in her mid 30’s … and from her looks, I reckoned that she was probably some visitor from Korea or northern China. Obviously a not a local.

But that wasn’t it… it was something else that made me noticed her presence. She actually had a pair of humongous titties. Ooh yeah. They were obviously a strong distraction… comparable to a fully ripened winter melon. In spite of her sheer colossal sized pair of jugs, she also donned this white pair of short sleeved blouse that made it even more distracting (at least to our male eyes) …

I then gave Wilson a nudge and whispered to him – “Dude, check out that lai-ma…” Which literally means, a nanny that provides dairy nutrition (from her own mammary glands) to your damn kids (to which, I’m still clueless why they’re able to produce milk at will).

Wilson took a peep at the lai-ma… which coincidentally, was lifting up her hand to scratch her back or something. Now freeze that scene, Wilson actually saw something even more shocking than those pair of huge milk bags. It was something black in color, jutting out from her short sleeve like wild grass growing out from a nutrient rich dirt crevice in search of direct sunlight.

Yes, her armpit hairs. Wilson took a step back and said “Man, she’s damn hairy dude !” and started to laugh like a mad fuck. I took a look after his comment and got my share of shock as well. And before long, the rest of us were laughing like there’s no tomorrow – except for our flustered Kancil Killer… who kept asking “What’s the matter? what’s the matter?”. I bestowed him with the knowledge alright, and later became the person who laughed the loudest amongst us.

Never had I seen such a thick and lushy armpit hair on a female armpit before. I believe the guys were equally befuddled as well. Her armpit hairs were both curly and straight, like razor sharp barb wires that were wound precariously on prison compounds. It would even scare the hairiest wookie in the universe. No shit.

To give you an idea, here’s some idea expressed from our group when we were on our way to lunch :

“Damn, her armpit’s so bushy, that it would literally cause a fly to stuck in it like a dense spider web” – Wilson

“There’s a complete ecosystem inside her armpit hair, you know, afids, ticks, bugs, you name it” – Michael Ooi

“Her thick armpit hair would blunt even the sharpest shaving knife” – Rod

“She would fucking break the shaving knife ! Not just blunting it !” – Michael Ooi

“The only way to remove her armpit hair is to use a large grass trimming scissor … or a lawnmower” – Michael Ooi

She’d probably broke countless of razors, and maybe that’s why she gave up shaving. I lost my appetite that day.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 37 Comments
March 7, 2005

boo

Dear doofus(s),

you have just been conned, deceived, ravaged of senses and raped of sanity by, the wise and friendly neighborhood bloggers – Michael Ooi and Dr.Liew. Hhhhhhyeah … quit blogging … hmmmmpppffhhhhh … We can’t believe that you guys actually fell for that… hhmmpppfhhhh

It’s an April fool joke in advance ler… ahak hak haks ! Think about it, if we were to pull this prank on 1st April, who would actually dig it ? That’s why we collaborated and pulled this at the least expected time … pfffffffffftttttt

****
fun aside, Doc and I would like to thank those of you who had offered heaps of help and assistance for our “troubles”. It’s really an astounding experience for us … to learn that we have so many concerned friends out there. It’s an unprecedented discovery of strong bond between us bloggers … and the spirit of unity is overwhelming.

Feel proud, guys and my salute to all of you out there. (but I’m still laughing at those ghey-ish comments…ahahhhhhhhhh !)

*to those of you who can’t take a joke, seek some professional help.. i.e. put your head into the nearest toilet bowl, and flush.

Have a happy april fool’s day. We’ve had ours.

Update:
guys, be a sport. You’ve been fooled and let’s laugh it off together, and continue to laugh at those blur cuttlefishes that stumble into this trap.
Now, don’t be spoiling the game by spilling the beans all over the places telling everyone about it… ok ? Some people still in the dark about this ….)


Update:
Guys, please do not take all these seriously (including those madcap comments I’ve made). If you’re somehow offended about something I’ve said, please accept my apology… Cheers.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 119 Comments