Archive for March, 2005

March 17, 2005

the perfect night

That was many years ago, on a night full of stars, I was watching the television with my then girlfriend Emily. Our love was young, and watching TV while rubbing each other’s shoulders felt better than a traditional Thai massage…

I’ve forgotten what we watched on TV, but not that it matters. The only thing that mattered was her company… enjoyed every nanoseconds of it. The air was so full of love and smelled lofty. We would exchange stories, stares and whispered words of love like poets. It was euphoric.

It lasted almost the whole night, until my love became too tired and rested voluptuously on my lap. The sound of the TV then slowly faded (because I fucking pressed the remote you moron) and the next thing I knew, was that the night suddenly receded into a halcyon ambiance… the only thing audible was the droning sound of the cicadas (save for a few occasional cacklings from the lizards frigging each other on the ceiling).

I was watching her weaving dreams, as she advents deeper into her dormant state … her delicate mouth wide agape, inundated with her saliva nectar of ptyalin. I couldn’t help but to feel grateful at that particular moment, that I get to experience such a tranquil moment with my love… unlike those stray dogs sleeping by the roadside alone (albeit they kinda have the thrills of unlimited sex activities with basically any other fellow dogs…)

I continued to drift further in my drunkenly love state, when suddenly, I heard something disturbingly disturbing. It’s POOOOOT. A perfect POOOOT with all the correct tones and curves. I was dumbfucked. It felt romantic no more… and I was preparing for the worst by holding my breath (because I couldn’t fucking bail… she was still sleeping on my lap. I was stuck). But there wasn’t any nasty smell … and I took a few test whiffs before allowing myself to breathe properly again.

Due to the worn off feel of romanticism, my legs suddenly felt numb (her head restricting my blood flow) and decided to shift a little. My movements somehow triggered something inside her that I couldn’t possibly explain… and she let off another rip of fart. POOOOT. Again, it was with the most perfect tone I’ve ever heard. This time, I couldn’t contain myself, but laughed out loud like a jackass – waking her up.

As confused as a cuttlefish, she duly asked me “What happened ?”. I replied her “My dear, you’ve just ripped the most perfect fart I’ve ever heard in my life …” And we laughed it off together.

*this post was inspired by the previous entry about farts.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 28 Comments
March 16, 2005

gassed

I was queuing up at a departmental store cashier today, holding a can of Pringles. It was off peak period, so, there weren’t a lot of people there – just a young Chinese lady (in her 20’s) getting ready to pay up in front of me. She was with a pair of spectacles, and was quite cordial looking – kinda gave me an impression that she was probably a librarian or something. Literally harmless.

I then inched closer to the counter as she was digging her purse to pony up her stuff to the whale sized Indian cashier … and I was about to put my can of Pringles on top of it… when suddenly, something paused me in mid air. It was some strong stale stench of mustard and fermented beans blended together… hitting my olfactory nerves in such an impact that I had to ‘gostan’ a few steps to prevent myself from passing out. Yes, Miss Librarian farted a silent killer right in front of the counter.

Horrified … I looked at that loose boweled librarian in utter disgust, from that offset of distance which kinda attracted her attention. She stole a glance back at me in embarrassment (the cashier was already starting to contort her facial expression) while frantically looking for some change inside her purse – probably feeling agitated with the unwanted attention already…

That’s so goddamn unbelievable, isn’t it? People disguising themselves as some polite individuals… attempt to sneak a fart in public… I mean, not that it’s wrong to answer the call of nature, but at least, be fucking considerate to make sure that there’s no one around when you do that. I wasn’t too sure whether she was too stupid to realize that, or too indifferent to others… because this whole damn thing is just so wrong.

She finally managed to dig out the last coin for the cashier, and skedaddled away in haste. Man, she frigging gassed the place so bad, that I had to delay my advance towards the cashier.

Really machaohai aa …

michaelooi  | happenings  | 22 Comments
March 15, 2005

biting the dust

I woke up feeling like shit yesterday. Head’s heavy, stomach’s upset and everything was spinning. And what’s worse, I couldn’t remember what happened after that few rounds of alcohol imbibation at a friend’s sister’s wedding banquet. From what I managed to recollect myself and through some a lot of help from Emily, here’s what I’ve learnt :

– I drank like a thirsty camel on that night (yeah, as if it’s not obvious enough..)
– I was moving in between 2 of my friend’s tables to toast them up.
– I frolicked with some girls and Emily didn’t like that.
– I squeezed somebody’s arm and spoke something foolish to her.
– I racially discriminated a white guy.
– I puked inside my mouth and freaked Emily real bad.
– I puked on my own shirt and shoes.
– I puked onto my car park pavement.
– Emily hauled my ass back home and doused me with water. (and I kept uttering “ok, ok, that’s enough.. that’s enough..”)
– and a lot more …

Scary, isn’t it ? when you find yourself waking up not remembering anything that happened the night before … That’s when you felt really thankful to the person who painstakingly brought you back and cleaned your mess. For my case, it’s Emily.

Me : “Sorry for all the troubles… dear.”

Emily : “Please do not drink again ok ? It’s a pain dragging you back… you were stubborn, reeked of puke and disgusting”

Me : “Heh … I don’t remember complaining that much when I dragged you back last time when you’re drunk…”

Emily : “Come on … you’re much heavier… and I didn’t puke, ok ??”

Me : “Well, at least I did not dance skankily in public…”

Emily : “Says who ?? YOU DID. YOU DANCED SKANKILY …”

Me : [stress veins popping up] “Alright, but at least … I didn’t sing when I’m dancing, ok ? Because I… won’t do that”

Emily : “HAHHHHHH !! SAYS WHO?? YOU SANG WHEN THAT BEE GEES SONG WENT ON AIR !!”

Me : “OMFG… You serious !? How did I dance?? Was it embarrassing??”

Emily : “You and your usual hands-in-the-air dance… like it’s damn stylish like that… pfff”

Me : “…”

And I reckoned none of my friends could remember that as well – because the last time I checked with the guys, it was an almost 100% casualty. Which means, this is the motherfuckest of all drinking events we’ve ever had.

Right now, I’m still feeling nauseous and suffering from an upset stomach that never seems to be ending very soon. This is the kind of hangover that would linger for at least 4 – 5 days. It sucks. Just like what Charles described his hangover to me on the phone

“Mannnnnn! I felt like I’ve just gone through some chemotherapy for a cancer treatment!”

Nothing describes the feel any better.

*All tips/remedies to relieve hangovers will be appreciated

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 41 Comments
March 13, 2005

“Saw” (2004)

A few weeks ago, as I moped around one of the pirated DVD outlet in a local mall, my eyes suddenly caught a title that pretty much aroused my attention. It’s called “Saw”. No, not “I SAW my neighbour porking a buffalo’s ass”‘s SAW… This SAW … means the blade with jagged tooth that we use to cut something up … like your mongoloid’s boss’s car bumper.

Pretty simple but nasty title. Sort of gave me an impression that it’s a movie about some psychotic dude going postal in a quiet neighbourhood with a chainsaw cutting up teenager’s tits and dicks, and make them into burgers or something. I took a look at it’s cover for a confirmation, fair enough, it was embellished with blood stains and screenshots of gore … and I immediately added it into my cart (there wasn’t actually any cart there but, just to give you an idea that I am on a pirated DVD shopping spree that day…) along with a few cool titles like Blade III and The Incredibles (as collection).

So how was that movie ? Hmmmm… below expectations. Like most modern horror movies, it has it’s fair share of lame plots. But overall, the concept and storyline is kinda unique by itself. The movie actually did not have any pissed off psychotic dude going postal in it. Instead, we have a calm & enigmatic character masterminding tricks and riddling puzzles for it’s victims (that encompasses assholes and dickheads like our bosses …) to solve… which if they fail, they’re gonna have to pay with a horrible death. Quoting one of the detectives in the movie – the villain didn’t actually kill the victims himself, but merely arrange for them to kill each other in a game of death.

Well, the movie focusses on 2 guys who got trapped in the latest version of the deathly game – whom both of them were shackled in a squalid looking toilet, clueless of what’s happening to them. Like an adventure game in the PC console, the movie would then bring you from plot to plot, how these 2 blur victims managed to uncover clues that was deceitfully laid towards their death for them… and their efforts to escape.

During one of the escape attempts, suddenly, the villain froze up the whole room with his magical time-stop spell (like those in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons) … and summoned some yellow-colored nasty little annoying critters to eat them up …. which they marauded the scene with an appearing/disappearing acts (teleportation spell ? holy fuck !) ..emitting high pitched squeaks as they menaced around … and then, my DVD player locks up and stopped.

Those nasty little critters are actually the common static errors you usually see when you got a fubar-ed disc (*fubar – fucked up beyond all recognition). Though I am a bit mad and cussed a lot during the bummer, I ain’t really complaining. Situations like this are very common for pirated DVDs … So, I got back to the outlet for an exchange, and only managed to finish that movie today.

Alright, having watched the remaining 30 minutes’ worth of ending, here’s what I managed to conclude about this movie

– the gore factor is only mediocre. Heck, I didn’t see any brain tissues or somebody’s bladder on this film … only blood. Blood is so cliche nowadays… the public’s craving for more.
– the storyline’s kinda tricky… full of flashbacks and tricky plots – which makes it …lame. Like I’ve mentioned before, horror movies shouldn’t focusses too much on storyline.
– the movie could have been better with a tit scene in it. Not really a compulsory but, as a bonus.
– they could have dumped in more budget for this film, hire more convincing actors. Like ‘The Rock’. Then chip in some scene of him breaking somebody’s head with a flick of his knuckles. (Not just some shitty actors crying like a sissy inside a toilet awaiting death.)
– the title’s a bit misleading. The only “saw” I’ve noticed in this movie is 2 metal blade saws… which was commonly used to cut galvanized steel pipes. One of the victims foolishly used it to cut his own feet – which I think, has nothing to do with the main plot of the film at all. This movie should be called “Sick Bastards” instead.
– the ending’s too brief and simple. It just showed that the real villain has all along been feigning as a corpse lying inside that filthy toilet disguised in a mask. He just got up and gave the remaining guy an “April Fool” look and closes the fucking door… and that’s it. Too simple. Even “Sesame Street” has got Big Bird and Elmo waving goodbye with melodramatic fading music.

It’s just another horror movie DVD for high school students.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 18 Comments
March 12, 2005

weird couple

Yesterday, while I was dining in a Taiwanese fast food restaurant with Emily, we suddenly heard something very disturbing … It sounded like this – “Uweeeeeee~~~Eeeeeyeeerrrr~~~~”. Like some she-male asking for permission if it’s ok for him to blow your cream off for 50 cents (you know, that kind of traumatic effeminate tone i.e. the Malay dubbed Doraemon voice). As my goosebumps started to spread across my body, I turned around check out if there’s really a lady boy there …

Apparently, no. It was actually a real girl. Some very annoying teenager with her beatnik boyfriend that has a very shock inducing hairstyle (spiky pattern that reminded me of those filth stalactites drooping under a protruded sewer pipe). The girl was sort of adulating her boyfriend by feigning cute poses and acts to entertain him up. You know, purr like a cat, asking stupid questions like a retard, pretending to be cute… And occasionally, would even stroke the guy’s hair admiring him … (for what reason, I was not sure. But I am sure if I were to be that guy, I would have grabbed the girl’s hair, and repetitively slapped her while yelling “wake up bitch ! wake up bitch !” … or simply crash a wooden stool on that bitch’s skull for being so annoying and embarrassing)

The couple continued to frolic around with their gross teasing and giggled like schoolgirls… until about 5 minutes later, they decided to leave the place. As one of their members (yes, there was another blimp chick with them) went to settle the bill… the 2 bird brains started to pull more puke inducing stunts around the area… like

– hugging and pecking each other’s face
– making stupid faces in front of the mirror deco
– dancing and jumping around the restaurant floor (I kid you not !)

I do not know what was that girl’s problem. Perhaps she had a brain damage from an overdosage of Chinese love novels and junk food… or being possessed by some stray evil spirit. Other than those reasons, I don’t see any rationale for anyone to behave like that. But then, I wouldn’t want to put the blame solely on that girl either. That imbecile boyfriend also ought to be hung and shot as well… for :

1) allowing his intellectually impaired girlfriend to mess with his hair… and
2) for not having the taste to have a proper hairstyle.

(But then, it could be that weird girl that wanted his hair to be like that, and probably was threatened of having his balls crushed during sex if he doesn’t comply with her demands …*shrugs*)

Anyway, you single guys out there …better be more careful selecting your girlfriends. Make sure they’re not crazy or mentally impaired before professing your love. Beauty is not all that matters.
(tips : give her an IQ exam or a couple of math questions before expressing your love …)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 17 Comments