Archive for March, 2005

March 24, 2005

cariss missing an ‘a’

It’s Cariss again…

[3/24/2005 8:42 PM] Cariss : Hi
[3/24/2005 8:42 PM] heavenly (my androgynous nick in ICQ) : hi cariss
[3/24/2005 8:42 PM] Cariss : Carissa with A
[3/24/2005 8:43 PM] heavenly : u commented as cariss .. right ?
[3/24/2005 8:43 PM] Cariss : U renamed me to Cariss
[3/24/2005 8:43 PM] Cariss : I’m just following your convention
[3/24/2005 8:44 PM] heavenly : cariss sounds nicer …
[3/24/2005 8:45 PM] Cariss : whatever suits your fantasy
[3/24/2005 8:46 PM] Cariss : Do you prefer ppl to call you Michael Ooi or Michael Oo?
[3/24/2005 8:46 PM] heavenly : i prefer people to call me darling
[3/24/2005 8:46 PM] Cariss : my hair are standing on end… issit me feeling cold or issit your statement
[3/24/2005 8:47 PM] Cariss : remember, i hv hirsutism, when the hair stands, it’s kindda messy
[3/24/2005 8:47 PM] heavenly : your hairs are sustaining an erection… perhaps you need to stroke them ….
[3/24/2005 8:48 PM] Cariss : don’t stroke me when i’m provoke, i’ll bite
[3/24/2005 8:48 PM] heavenly : don’t worry … i won’t stroke you
[3/24/2005 8:49 PM] Cariss : Thank goodness. *Phew*
[3/24/2005 8:50 PM] heavenly : i’d rather stroke a rottweiler …. rottweiner …. whatever
[3/24/2005 8:50 PM] Cariss : rot-wailer
[3/24/2005 8:50 PM] Cariss : hehe
[3/24/2005 8:51 PM] heavenly : rockwanker
[3/24/2005 8:51 PM] Cariss : ohhh kinky, are you one rock wanker? ;PPpPppp
[3/24/2005 8:53 PM] heavenly : that is, if you consider my prick is as hard as rock. It cuts glass when hard…
[3/24/2005 8:56 PM] Cariss : wow, i bet u can clear “bushes” too.
[3/24/2005 8:57 PM] Cariss : Are you in the guiness book yet?
[3/24/2005 8:57 PM] heavenly : nope. but i drink guiness
[3/24/2005 8:59 PM] Cariss : Oh yeah, very the obvious. And u can get pretty drunk too.
[3/24/2005 8:59 PM] Cariss : maybe u can puke another round and let poor Emily do all the dirty work.
[3/24/2005 9:00 PM] heavenly : i can get pretty drunk(s)…. it’s plural…and also when they’re sober
[3/24/2005 9:01 PM] Cariss : who THEY?
[3/24/2005 9:02 PM] heavenly : pretty drunks…
[3/24/2005 9:02 PM] Cariss : drunks cannot be pretty, drunks are fugly (fucking ugly)
[3/24/2005 9:03 PM] heavenly : you’re just jealous
[3/24/2005 9:03 PM] Cariss : i don’t have to be
[3/24/2005 9:04 PM] Cariss : i’d rather stay as fugly as u, so no ppl will bother me
[3/24/2005 9:05 PM] heavenly : don’t worry, you won’t look very pretty with that much hair all over your body
[3/24/2005 9:05 PM] heavenly : ever seen a pretty ape ? that explains it
[3/24/2005 9:05 PM] Cariss : yeah lucky me, the hair covers me up from my head to toe. I need to thank my folks.
[3/24/2005 9:07 PM] heavenly : wow … a thankful ape
[3/24/2005 9:08 PM] Cariss : During winter when i go out, ppl will wonder where i get such nice “fur” over my body
[3/24/2005 9:08 PM] Cariss : Mind you, the “fur” is natural.
[3/24/2005 9:08 PM] Cariss : authentic even.
[3/24/2005 9:08 PM] Cariss : They can only see my pretty eyes…
[3/24/2005 9:09 PM] Cariss : like those Middle East women who cover themselves from head to toe.
[3/24/2005 9:09 PM] heavenly : and to look like a sasquatch would be so cool …
[3/24/2005 9:10 PM] Cariss : not everyone can get such privelege, so dun be jealous.
[3/24/2005 9:11 PM] Cariss : I will remain as a mystery as much as the sasquatch.
[3/24/2005 9:11 PM] heavenly : yeah right, i’m so jealous of your hairrrrr…. the ticks …. the amount of shampoo you’re gonna have to use (that is, if you’re ever gonna shower at all)
[3/24/2005 9:13 PM] Cariss : ticks, nah, i only have hair lices, they are over-populated now, and they are looking for places to migrate, do you by any chance have some free space over your side? Pity those lices.
[3/24/2005 9:14 PM] heavenly : nope…. no free space here …ask the rottweiner… rottwanker … whatever
[3/24/2005 9:15 PM] Cariss : yeah that’s why i’m asking u, the rock wanker who has a prick as hard as rock and it can cut glass.
[3/24/2005 9:15 PM] heavenly : glass, metal, anything
[3/24/2005 9:16 PM] Cariss : good, such a handyman.
[3/24/2005 9:18 PM] heavenly : you bet …
[3/24/2005 9:19 PM] Cariss : the MAN himself has already said it, what else can I say?
[3/24/2005 9:20 PM] heavenly : the doctor … please
[3/24/2005 9:20 PM] Cariss : LOL
[3/24/2005 9:21 PM] Cariss : u have pretty thick foreskin
[3/24/2005 9:21 PM] heavenly : epidermal layer …. doctors don’t call skin … skin…
[3/24/2005 9:22 PM] Cariss : and yeah bra we don’t call bra, we call them kneading pads.
[3/24/2005 9:23 PM] heavenly : you’re a fast learner
[3/24/2005 9:23 PM] Cariss : definitely
[3/24/2005 9:23 PM] Cariss : I completed my 2 degrees with 3 majors in 4 yrs time.
[3/24/2005 9:24 PM] heavenly : well … with the hot weather like this … no surprise … my patients get 4 – 5 degrees in 1 day
[3/24/2005 9:27 PM] Cariss : 4 to 5 degrees only ar? Normal body temp is 37 degrees. I bet you have failed your MAD school big time.
[3/24/2005 9:28 PM] heavenly : 37 get 4 degrees equal 41 degrees ler … you failed your kindergarten ?
[3/24/2005 9:31 PM] Cariss : WOW, your England is so powDerful.
[3/24/2005 9:31 PM] heavenly : i speak hindi as well
[3/24/2005 9:32 PM] Cariss : And I can speak Swahili.
[3/24/2005 9:33 PM] heavenly : what’s swahili ? some african profanity ?
[3/24/2005 9:35 PM] Cariss : yeah, my long lost relatives from Africa speak them.
[3/24/2005 9:35 PM] heavenly : i didn’t know there are sasquatches in africa …. hmmm
[3/24/2005 9:36 PM] Cariss : They are called gorillas, u moron. Don’t insult my relatives!
[3/24/2005 9:37 PM] heavenly : so, those short apes with small feet are in fact african sasquatches ? that’s enlightening….
[3/24/2005 9:38 PM] Cariss : I can see you are learning new things everyday.
[3/24/2005 9:39 PM] heavenly : yeah … like hirsutism people have gorilla relatives in Singapore …. i mean Africa ….

~~boring part snipped off~~

[3/24/2005 9:54 PM] Cariss : If you don’t believe what I have just said, come visit me in Penang Road next weekend, I am going to have lunch there. FYI, I’m a breathing and walking CLASSIC example who inherits all my family’s bestest genes.
[3/24/2005 9:56 PM] heavenly : you’re gonna have lunch ?… big deal, so am i …. in fact, i have them everyday …
[3/24/2005 9:57 PM] Cariss : I’m just ASKING to witness my SEXY hair.
[3/24/2005 9:57 PM] heavenly : just send me your photo …
[3/24/2005 9:57 PM] Cariss : Do you want an autograph too?
[3/24/2005 9:58 PM] heavenly : yes please.
[3/24/2005 9:58 PM] Cariss : What message do you want me to write on it?
[3/24/2005 9:59 PM] heavenly : just write … MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU … and draw a wookie on it
[3/24/2005 10:00 PM] Cariss : just for you Mike, just for you.
[3/24/2005 10:00 PM] heavenly : i’m so touched …
[3/24/2005 10:01 PM] Cariss : usually i’ll charge extra for the wookie drawing. But since u r my admirer, i’ll charge one for two drawings.
[3/24/2005 10:01 PM] Cariss : U know like the buy 1 get 1 free promo.
[3/24/2005 10:03 PM] heavenly : alright then … since im getting 2 wookies …. draw me a male wookie porking a female wookie …. and make them groan or something … WOO HOO
[3/24/2005 10:04 PM] Cariss : dun worry, i’ll make sure the female wookie moans like pang sai in the pic, and the male one will have a hard prick like yours.
[3/24/2005 10:04 PM] heavenly : awww… how nice of you
[3/24/2005 10:04 PM] Cariss : sure sure no need to thank me, just dun forget to pay

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 6 Comments
March 23, 2005

analysis report

*18SX warning. If you’re a minor, fucking go to sleep.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
Brenda.
– Petite Chinese female
– 5 ft to 5 ft 1.
– Late 20’s.
– Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Abnormally large bosom may potentially cause postural issues that, in turn, may indirectly increase health hazards.

Team members
Wilson (Investigations)
MichaelOoi (Investigations & Report)
Pirate (Data Analyst)
William (Optical Specialist & Ballistic Consultant)
TC (Statistician)

Observation
– Subject appears to have a pair of larger than average bosom.
– Bosom increased in size over the span of 12 months ~approx. 1 – 2 inches (*excessive kneading by spouse)
– Subject exhibites a slight hint of slouching to the front.
– Gross estimation of subject’s bosom constitutes approx. 20% of body weight (excluding bra).
– Gravity test passed.
– Radiance appears to be in decreasing trend (12 months burn in period)
– No other physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
– Slouching is suspected to be due to the disproportion of body structure. High volume of tissue mass on upper half of body causes center spine to act as a fulcrum leveraging the gravitational pull of the mass – creating a concentration of strain/stress on spine. The body naturally slouches towards the front to compensate the excessive stress.
– Long term exposure may cause muscle fatigue and spinal cord injury – which may lead to paralysis or even death.
– Slouching posture may also cause both mammary glands to droop downwards towards gravitational pull and deform the original shape of bosom. High risk health hazard.
Potential scenario : Saggy/deformed/elongated bosom may stuck on moving mechanical parts when subject operates heavy machinery.

Corrective Action(s)
– Propose to permanently install a metal beam support from the lowest lumbar spine, right to the neck region of the subject. This is to distribute the stress force from the spine onto the metal support.
– Also propose to install an inverted “L” shaped bracket support under each breast. The inverted “L” bracket would help to reduce the direct gravitational pull and distribute the breast mass across the abdominal muscle.
– Subject to increase the weight of lower half of body to compensate/even-up the disproportional body size ratio.

End of report.

*I have verbally heard claims that excessive kneading of tits may increase its size… what do you guys think? Any scientific truth in it?

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 21 Comments
March 22, 2005

first aid kit

It occurred on one fine afternoon a few months back, when I carelessly mishandled a motherboard and cut my finger. It wasn’t a big cut but, there were a shitload of blood gushing out from that wound, as if it was menstruating like that. Probably hit a vein or something.

Shouting “cheebye” out loud, I asked Kermit if we have a first aid kit inside our lab. He said he doesn’t know. With my finger still bleeding, I scoured the entire lab for anything I could use… like a plaster or something… but unfortunately, all I could ever find was a bottle of alcohol solution, a tweezer and a Bunsen burner. Like Rambo, I poured the alcohol solution onto my wound and torched the gash with that Bunsen burner to make the wound aseptic… The pain was so intense, that it made me yelled out loud in a virile manner, and broke a lab bench with a reflex of my flailing hand.

Alright, I made that up. Actually, I couldn’t find a first aid kit inside the lab… and so, I stormed out into the production floor to look for one. Not that the wound’s serious but, I felt inclined to plaster up before it completely drains me dry. I went like about 25 meters or so … and finally, I found one.

Like some junkie stumbling into a pot of dope, I dashed to the small white box without procrastinating further. But then, to my befuddlement, the goddamn box was LOCKED. That was when I yelled out loud “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GODDAMN LOCK A FIRST AID KIT ?????”. Frustrated, I began to look around for a key to that lock … but I found a notice instead… right above the stupid box. It said that I’ll have to contact the Emergency Response Team member to ask for the key to unlock the First Aid Kit.

I mean, can you fucking believe that ?? That’s how screw up our local management is. This is so wrong. Locking a first aid kit. Tiuuuuu … What next? Some requirement to submit a formal application for approval before putting out a fire? Bureaucracy at it’s worst level.

When questioned, those motherfuckers would give some lame excuses like they’re having problems with people stealing medicines from the first aid kit, and that prompted them to lock it. And they think it’s very smart to eliminate some other least important problems at the expense of the public safety… *shakes head in disbelief*

And about 2 days ago, while me and my bunch of colleagues were having our lunch, I somehow came up with a pretty neat idea on how to counter those theft problems without actually jeopardizing the safety of others :

All they need to do is to leash a big ass dog (Rottweiler or a German Shepherd) right under the unlocked First Aid Kit to guard the box. This will prevent anyone from stealing the medicine. And then, a few feet away from the First Aid Kit, set up another box to fit in a baseball bat sealed in with an emergency-break-glass barrier. In case of emergency, just break the glass to get the baseball bat … and use it to whop on that canine’s skull. Once that bite machine passes out (or croaks), you may just walk over and waste the entire First Aid Kit all by yourself.

Simple yet efficient.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 38 Comments
March 21, 2005

extreme fear factor

Fear Factor. The greatest reality TV show on Earth. You get to see :

hot chicks. with big racks. in swimsuits. embossed nipples when wet. and them eating bugs. livestock testicles sometimes. All in one show. It’s a show that emphasizes on the greed of us humans, how far are we willing to trade our fear for money…

I mean, what could be more awesome than that ?

Well, actually yes. During our tea break a few days ago, my lunch members and I sort of came up with some ideas that could make Fear Factor an even better show than it already is…

It started out when one of our managers voiced his opinion about how Fear Factor is fast becoming boring … so ‘predictable’… so common. We’ve seen the contenders hoovered basically everything … and that’s about the worst it could ever get. It’s becoming easier to win the 50 grands … and the show’s gradually losing its thrill. That’s when everyone of us gave our input… and put our engineering minds into good use – what could be done to facelift the entire show and sow new fear elements into it ?

Well, here’s what I managed to summarize from our discussions …

Physical stunts
No more jumping from buildings. No more hanging upside down from those flying eggbeaters. Those tricks won’t work anymore. Instead, the organizers should extend the physical stunts into the darker area. Make it extreme. Make it REALLY SCARY AND FEARSOME. One that would haunt them for the rest of their lives … win the money or not.

Contenders to be asked to perform bench press exercise (or push ups some may call it…), as much as they can – without revealing to them what are the consequences.

Obtain the # of times performed by each contender, and divide their respective # by groups of 4. Record the number of the last remaining group (which will range from 1 to 4). That magic number, will be the number of choices that the contender has to choose (out of 4 selections) to be performed with a stunt … to have sex (males:screw, females:getting screwed). That’s right, have sex with strangers. Not just any strangers but… some “strangers” wild beyond your imagination.

Remember the 4 selections ? These are the selection of strangers the contenders will have to choose.
1) a 40 years old stinking beggar
2) an 80 years old geriatric with herpes
3) a young decomposed corpse (necrophilia)
4) a sedated African Nile river crocodile (bestiality)

For example, John bench presses 39 times. The number of last remaining group of 4’s will equal to 3. That means, John needs to select 3 candidates from the above selections to ‘get that much closer to the prize money’… (which shall be raised to a mind-boggling 20 million bucks).

Eating-gross-stuffs stunts
No more eating bugs, slugs or maggots. We need to facelift the show … and those conventional creepy crawlies idea has to be ditched to make way for something more challenging. Those that people wouldn’t think of putting it through their own digestive system

Contenders shall be asked to chow down half a pie of cheesecake. Once finished, they’re then required to down neat shots of whiskies until the Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC) level reaches to the level where one’s no longer be able to drive. (purpose is to trigger the puke nerve…)

Alright, once the puke nerve is activated, the contenders are required to eat either of the following :
1) the puke of a another drunk (1 liter)
2) decomposed carcass of a skunk (1 full grown dead skunk) *detoxification drug/treatment will be provided
3) the perspiration fluid from the armpits of a thousand Banglas.(1 liter)
4) camel’s saliva (3 liters)

Contenders are not allowed to puke at any time during the game to ‘move that much closer to the final stunt and prize money’. (20 millions shouldn’t be that easy to get…)

Time bound stunts
No more collecting flags from some rickety platforms. No more who’s the fastest crashing a shitty car. This is Fear Factor goddamn it, not some high school sportsday event. This stunt shouldn’t be fun at all. It should be the hardest, time bound, and traumatizingly the motherfuckest of all fearful stunts.

Prepare a narrow but long rectangular room (suggestion : 5ft x 50ft) with an exit at each end. Fill in the room with approximately 10 sex deprived naked gay niggers. Contenders are then asked to strip naked and go through one end of the room entrance, and exit from the other. (for female contenders, substitute with straight niggers, but niggers will be asked to target the bunghole).

Whoever does the fastest, will be the winner.

Fear Factor will never be the same again… wueeekkk !

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 38 Comments
March 20, 2005

please

I was in front of my PC reading some forum … when Emily appeared beside me…

Emily : [meddles with my stuff] “You still need these markers ?”

Those were the markers I used to write on my blank CDs the day before … definitely didn’t need it no more. But due to the countless of bad experiences I had with the ladies (mom / Emily) for messing my stuff (which they kept misplacing them somewhere)… I was inclined to react towards her query…

Me : “Arrgh !! dear !! Why do you always like to mess with my stuff?? Just leave it ok? I still need it!”

Emily : “You still need it ? for what ?”

I was reading some forum contents… remember?

Me : “I’m trying to concentrate my reading here…”

Emily : “And you need a marker to read from the internet ?”

Me : “Err… Yeah !!! I need to hold it against my head… it helps me to concentrate better! Now will you leave me be??”

Emily : “Ok”

You know girls, when a guy has some stuffs lying about on his desk or anywhere at all, trust me – they’re there for a reason. Most probably that matters not to you… but A WHOLE ASS LOT to him. So, please… just leave us be… ok? (Leaving those stuffs where they are would not cause anyone’s car to explode or something… just relax…)

Give us a break.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 28 Comments