Archive for March, 2005

March 27, 2005

have you declared your tax today ?

*straight from the keyboard rant …

I do not understand, why LHDN keep changing our tax declaration form ? It’s almost like every year, that we have different format of forms. And everytime, we’ll have to waste a shitload of thinking energy figuring out those fucked up instructions in BM to do our declaration. I do not know if this is some indication of inefficiency in the government workforce … or is this just me.

You see, we’re just a bunch of working class people. Not some high profile businessmen earning millions (if I were to earn millions, I’m very sure those tax officers would have gladly exempted the laborious task to fill the fucking forms). On our EA, there are just a few lines of figures for fuck’s sake. And we’ll have to put up with heaps of troubles filling in the same information from that friggin’ EA … INTO the tax declaration form. Not to mention, again, the profile information which has already existed in their files. I mean, HELLO !? This is the 21st fucking century… why do we still need to waste so much time filling in PAPER FORMS ?

We’re wasting a lot of time and money following this ridiculous procedure. Oh and let me list them out here
– the amount of postage money spent sending these cheebye forms to our homes
– the amount of trees and papers and dyes and inks wasted printing these motherfucking forms
– the amount of corruption involved to procure these pukimak forms.
– the manhours of postmen it took to deliver these forms to all the fucking homes (not including the fuel/vehicle cost of transporting the posts)
– the amount of time it took for one to fill up the form
– the amount of ink wasted to fill in these forms
– the amount of saliva wasted licking those cheebye dirty envelopes
– the amoutn of postage wasted returning those forms to LHDN
– for those who delivers the forms themselves to LHDN office, amount of fossil fuel burnt to commute, not including the pollution contributed to the environment.
– tyres, lubricants, metal particles released into the air, amount of cuss energy wasted on other reckless motorists (you know malaysian traffic)
– the amount of cuss energy spent when getting frustrated filling in these confusing forms
– the amount of time taken to train up people how to fucking fill these forms (i’m referring to those seminar organized) – which includes electricity, classroom materials like whiteboard, markers and an assload of airconditioning due to the hot weather
– the workload of handling those missing forms in post
– the amount of money spent to advertise that shitty rap song to be played on national radio
– many more

And these costs ? would make up millions if not billions. With that amount of money, why can’t the government hire a couple hundred thousands of LCCI clerks to help us fill up these forms, online ? The employers would just download the list of EA forms into soft copy (PDF or something) … and bulk transfer a whole assload of information to LHDN office. Then these clerks (basic salary of say, a thousand five ?), will just need to copy whatever information from EA form into their database, and with some programming, get the friggin’ J form printed out and mail it accordingly to the taxpayer. Simple. Fast.

For those who intend to claim for deductions, just fill in a simple table based form on what they may want to deduct, and get it processed accordingly. And with all that, I reckoned that we would still save enough money to build better quality roads (no .. not another world’s biggest something something… please).

well, “Berdikari” my ass. If we aren’t berdikari, we wouldn’t be working out there in the first place. If they wanted to stress the berdikari point so fucking much, then why can’t the government berdikari themselves ? (see my suggestion above)

Morons.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 10 Comments

hair growth

Recently, Emily’s very discontented about how her brows have grown. They were kinda merged right at the middle across her nasal bridge… making her look like she has a damn long brow like that, instead of 2. If you are unable to get what I’m trying to depict here, refer to Bert’s picture on the left (rumored to be Osama’s favorite cartoon character).

And today, she was seen perched on the sofa with a mirror and a clamp of some kind by my mom. She was plucking out every single strand of brow hair on her nasal bridge.

Mom : “What are you doing there ?”

Emily : “My brows… they’re ugly and messy. I’m trying to pluck out those that have grown on my nasal bridge…”

Mom : “They look ok to me though”

Emily : “No, look at Michael’s. His brows are very neat, unlike mine. Mine’s merged at the middle…”

Mom : “Really meh ?”

And I proceeded to walk closer to my mom and repeatedly tilted my brows – brandishing it’s ‘neatness’.

Me : “I think you have a merged brow because you’re too stingy. Ahaks !”

*It’s a popular belief by the Chinese that merged brows (or uni-brow) indicates stinginess.

Mom : “Well, he’s sure lucky to have bestowed with a pair of brows. Thanks to me. If it’s not for me who rubbed some brandy on him when he was still an infant, he probably wouldn’t have any brows today… ”

Me : “Ah tiuuuu… you know that’s a total bullshit. I mean, if brandies really could promote hair growth, then why isn’t there any hair growing out from my throat? My internal organs would be so full of hair…”

Mom : “Internal versus external… dolt ! They’re different”

Me : “Oh yeah? Like when I pour brandies excessively overflowing out from my mouth… do I see hairs growing out from the edge of my mouth right through the spill trails down my neck?”

Mom : “Tiuuuu ! The brandy I used was special ok? It was concocted with [unintelligible type of herbs] … bla bla bla”

Me : [under my breath] “Yeah right…”

If brandy really promotes hair growth, then Zidane would probably have that glimmer of hope to model for some hair care products… instead of just some sohai boots and sports equipments…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
March 26, 2005

“The Eye 10″ (2005)

*big ass spoiler ahead for The Eye 10.*

Went to watch The Eye 10 last night. I’ve reviewed the first 2 episodes here (not exactly a review but…) and here. I think the title’s a bit odd, as this is the third installment of “The Eye” and it was named as The Eye 10 (instead of 3) – a lot of my friends actually asked “What happened to episode 3 to 9 ?”. Well, actually, there’s a reason behind this. It was named The Eye 10 because the prior titles (3 to 9) has been taken up by the porn industries. (porn just need to randomly pick a title… The Eye sounded pretty kinky).

Alright, it’s nothing of that sort. It was named as “The Eye 10″ because this installment of movie is actually about a bunch of not-so-bright youngsters who took instructions from a book to try out 10 different ways of seeing ghosts (note the number 10). There’s no whatsoever relation to our eyeballs at all (seriously, I think this movie should be named as “Fucked Up Teenagers”).

*if they wanted to see ghosts, they could’ve headed over to the income tax office instead. There’s plenty of government clerks there that looked much more catastrophic than a friggin’ ghost.

Before the movie even started, I’ve already encountered a few bad omens that this isn’t gonna be a very good horror movie.

1) There’s a big disclaimer with a “U inside a triangle” sign being screened before the film starts. That means, the film is suitable to be watched by kids and old people alike. With no harms being done. Now, this isn’t right. This is supposed to be a scary horror movie, remember ? I want to watch a horror movie that could make old people’s heart shrink … and induces trauma to those annoying kids.

2) The movie started with an introduction of cast of characters (some tacky scene showing the teenagers having fun in a theme park), with zippy music and graphics like a mobile phone advertisement. I kinda panicked at that moment and actually asked the guys “Are we in the right theater ?”.

It was fucked up alright. This movie, isn’t actually a horror movie. It’s actually a comedy. Yes, you heard me right, THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY A COMEDY.

It was frivolously produced, with no scare elements at all in it. It was more like those Hong Kong comedy-horror-fun vampire movies in the 80’s that was meant to elicit good laughs with plenty of ridiculous goofy acts. More like a testament to the public to fucking get a life already … you guys had enough horror movies. Time to switch to other genres.

Here’s some funny excerpts from the film :
– the dude who bought that spooky book from a bookstore was told by the book-keeper that no matter what happens, he should not look at the last page of the book, else he’ll be in real deep shit or something. Then one night, the guy carelessly left the book open on his desk and a constant gush of strong wind actually turned the book to the last page. Panicked, the guy immediately covers up the last page with his hand. But soon, his curiosity struck him and he slowly removed his hands from the page … only to discover the last page actually shows the actual price of the book … which was cheaper 10 times the price he paid.

– one of the guy was being possessed by a stray ghost and got into this really awkward pose. Another 2 hipster kid saw the whole thing and actually thought that guy was challenging them for a few rounds of break dancing. The 2 hipsters then started to crank up their boom box and started to show off their dancing skills taunting him back. That was when a whole corridor of old neighbours came out to check them out and cheered … but was dumbfucked when the possessed dude started to walk up the wall and ceiling ala Jamiroquai’s Virtual Insanity MTV…

– the same guy was trying to run away from that stray ghost, when he encountered a spooky looking kid asking him about his (the kid’s) report card. (if you’ve watched the original The Eye, you’ll actually recall that this kid’s a ghost). This guy got real freaked out and without a second thought, he gave the kid a kick in the chest … sending the little guy flying into a corner of the staircase. When the kid started to wail like crazy, only then he realized that kid’s turn out to be a real kid. Not a ghost.

– some ghost took a whiff off the fart ripped by one of the guys, choked and disintegrated.

– many more

Well, if the movie’s originally being portrayed as a comedy, I’m sure I wouldn’t have chosen to watch it in the first place and probably wouldn’t think it deserves to be called as a good comedy. But because it is so out of my expectations like that, I would say that’s a good one. Just like the advanced April Fool prank I pulled a few weeks ago.

So, is this movie worth watching ? Yes if you haven’t read this review. (The bunch of girls were laughing so hard behind me that I was so damn worried that they’re gonna puke over their front seats onto my head…)

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 12 Comments
March 25, 2005

panda’s deadline

The latest piece of news I received from Wilson about Panda, was that she’s gonna be forced to resign and she has to do it by today. Well, no surprise for us… as this is the expected price one has to pay for under utilizing the brain when doing stuffs. The management pays you to work, not to be stupid.

For the past few weeks, she has been wanting to leave the company for good, but she kept procrastinating about the matter. Well, now that everyone is kinda pissed about the lack of progress (yes, we hoped), my lady director actually called for a meet up with Panda and had a lengthy discussion with her.

I do not exactly know what my director told her, but what I learnt from Wilson, was that Panda got out from the discussion at about 3pm… and immediately scampered into the toilet, shove her hollow brain container into the toilet bowl and flushed repeatedly till it bloated like a blowfish.

o_O”

Was kidding. She actually went in and cried until 5 pm. For those of you who is feeble in Maths, let me assist you here – that’s TWO FUCKING HOURS inside the toilet. Crying. (not to mention inhaling the ‘fresh air’ inside). And by the time she came out from the lavatory, her eyes were swollen like she has a testicle growing out from each eye.

And that was not all, she went back home and cried more, probably the whole night. We knew that because her eyes basically looked like Homer Simpson the next morning, all swollen up and with even larger radius of dark rims.

It was both intriguing and confusing for all of us. Why cry? Like crying could actually solve her problems? Or perhaps that was done for the sake of gaining sympathy (free sex from animals)?

I don’t know man, she’s damn weird. If that fails to convince you of this fact, dig this – she cuffs her jeans about 1 feet high, revealing her pair of black shiny leather shoes with her fully pulled up socks. Blearrgghh ! (her armpit’s probably unshaved too, but I’m not going to finding out).

I just hope that she would meet the deadline of dumping in her resignation letter by today – we’ve had enough suffering…

Wilson actually was kinda upset about all these happenings. He said that he’s probably gonna go for a vacation or something on the final week of her tenure here – just be somewhere else. Why? Because you’ll never know if she’s going to snap and go postal inside the office, cutting everybody up with a machete. (Unlikely a gun though, as she’s too dumb to figure out how to obtain one… and even if she were to be given one, she may not even know how to pull the trigger).

michaelooi  | characters  | 23 Comments
March 24, 2005

plain bad

And this is just plain bad …

[3/24/2005 11:03 PM] Hello : Hi
[3/24/2005 11:04 PM] heavenly : hi
[3/24/2005 11:06 PM] Hello : whr a u fm
[3/24/2005 11:06 PM] heavenly : dsa jhhfs hjfd iehk

I got like 4 – 5 strangers messaging me tonight. The wake of the living dead night. Must be the wookie joke.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off