March 31, 2005

when dumping isn’t a fun thing

One of Emily’s crony went to the hospital today to check for an abdominal pain. It was initially thought to be due to appendicitis, but after going through a series of checkups, it was finally determined that she got too much shit lodged inside her rectum. (my first reaction upon learning this… was an almost blackout laugh). Too much shit lodged inside her rectum, I mean, can it get any more bizarre than that? Somebody fucking kill me please. *wipes tears*

Apparently, that friend of ours has been suffering from this constipation problem for quite some time. She only defecates like once every 2 or 3 days… and each time she does it, would require a ridiculously high amount of calorie burn forcing her shits out from her sphincter (if she can do this like regularly, she wouldn’t need no fucking aerobic instructor to slim down). Taking a dump is never fun for her… though generally, it’s a jovial event for us normal people. (Nothing could describe the feeling after a satisfying dump)

Now, a quick glance over our field of friends, I noticed that most of my female friends have constipation problems. It is as if their ass have a mind of its own, administering the waste department independently from the main body, practicing politics and organizing boycotts. Or perhaps they should be likened to those Islamic rebels, you know, kidnapping tonnes of shits inside the rectum for ransom. Whatever.

These female beings with mutated ass would normally poop at the interval of a few days. The worst one we heard was at a week – at good times. At her bad times, it would take up to a month. Nah, just kidding. I have no idea, really.

But then, that’s already bad enough. Can you imagine leaving your shits festering inside your rectum for up to A WEEK ? And you keep wondering why your girl would act strange at times, like some parochial tribal storming into a mall grabbing everything expensive and charge them to your credit card(s) without remorse. Cheebye, it’s their expired shits I tell you. Coincidentally, this festering shit friend I’m talking about, is the same person I called as moolah sucker a few months back.

And I can’t imagine when she were to do that big chore of disposing her decomposing shits from her rectum, it would emanate an odor so strong that it’s gonna set off the smoke detector alarm. No shit. I mean, tonnes of shits.

So, what’s wrong with these females who can’t get rid of their shits in a healthy manner and take all their side effects out by heaving an assload of troubles to us guys ? I don’t fucking know. Just dope their food with laxatives and watch some TV.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 

27 Comments to “when dumping isn’t a fun thing”

  1. moo_t says:

    Don’t play play with this kind of people ;) MaoTzeTong also face dumping problem, and he relief it by making hundred of millions people suffer. And his doctor must remove the dump using some “old method” (don’t expect a dictactor to believe a doctor to operate on him). And the cause of his dump problem : eating disorder and drink too little water.

    Mother nature has no mercy to people who don’t take care themself. ;)

  2. kimberlycun says:

    lipton tea and unripe bananas help, actually

  3. fuchsialowe says:

    dunno why females are more prone to constipation problems … yet it’s the guys who hate eating veggies … 3 out of my 4 bestest girlfriends have constipation problems …. once a week … even laxatives don’t help much…. weird.

  4. vincent says:

    Too much shit in the rectum? Haha…isn’t those kinda people known as “full of shit”??

    My ex-housemate (guy) used to spend 20 mins on the throne every morning.

  5. Yuen Li says:

    Hmmm… Strange… Over here in the UK, we get the opposite problem: young girls abusing laxatives in an effort to stay slim…

  6. auyongtc says:

    So now besides blaming girls with PMS, we can also blame it to constipation? :p

    Oh yeah, enema works too to rid of shit :p

  7. Joez says:

    She should try my Colon Cleanser. I had a friend like her, defecates only once a week…ewee…i wonder how they store so much toxic in there ? Daily dumping is a must for me.

  8. kawa says:

    I knew this guy who also only dumps once a week. I joked to him once: “What’s it doing in there for a whole week? Recycling? Do you still need to eat?”

    Maybe I should ask him to go for a check up….

  9. Jr. says:

    lol, that was sad ….

    sigh, constipation can be a very big problem ya know??? let these female buggers/acquaintances of yours know that such prolong constipation may led to piles if not being taken care of immediately…

    worst of all, that may led to colon cancer too, after all, don’t tell me you don’t expect decomposing shit to be toxic…highly oxydifying…

    ewwww

  10. fuchsialowe says:

    and here I am thinking I go too often … *sigh* Natural ability *giggle*

  11. michaelooi says:

    moo_t – You seems to know Chairman Mao pretty well.

    kimberly – I also heard that eating a bar of soap would do the trick too. The alkali would help to purge the clogged shits out.

    fuchsia – Ask them to eat soaps, and drink plenty of water.

    vincent – Well, sometimes, when I’m ‘loaded’, I also would spend 20 over minutes donating my wealth to the throne…

    yuen li – White girls are sick. We all know that. They’ll do anything to look slim.

    auyong – Enema sounds so gay to me.

    joez – Imagine, a girl is pregnant. And she stores her toxic down there for a week. What would the baby think ? Prenatal trauma indeed.

    kawa – Your guy friend definitely need to go for a checkup. Seriously.

    Jr – Constipation may also lead to uncontrollable spending habit, spontaneous temperamental mood and chicken ass gripes – which all of them are much more intimidating than the motherfuckest of all piles/hemorrhoids.

  12. tiuniasing says:

    Could it be their asshole is too small for dumping??

  13. meyour says:

    Try “psyllium”. Google search for its credibility. It ‘s a natural fibre good for your family.

    I summarised the benefit here

    http://kesihatanku.tripod.com/id1.html

    You can this is Penang from local indian shop. I got my stock from there. Very cheap and effective.

  14. moo_t says:

    MichaelOooi : Mao stuff is exposed by his private doctor. So beware of your family doctor(after you become famous). ;)

    meyour: psyllium is not suitable for all. It can make the constipation worst, you need to drinks lots of water after consume psyllium.

    I think the best laxative is still PAPAYA, cheap and safe. Still don’t understand why people spend 100 times the money go buy laxative.

  15. Belacans says:

    wah, moolah sucker so full of shit wan ar? pity your friend. love is blind, probably deft and dumb too.

  16. MrsT says:

    No shit man…!! my mom used to say.. that if you donch shit everyday.. their breath stinks.. hahhahhahaha!!

  17. ken says:

    “Cheebye, it’s their expired shits I tell you.”
    This line owns.

  18. michaelooi says:

    tiuniasing – Unlikely. Because shits are supposed to be mushy. Even if their anus is too small, the worst thing that could happen is take a much longer time to defecate… since the opening would ooze smaller volume of shit paste at any one time.

    meyour – What, you somekind of doctor or something ?

    moo_t – I heard taking milk after eating watermelons would cause loose bowels. Not sure if it’s true.

    shrimp cake – She is full of shit alright. So full, that it actually overflowed into her brain.

    MrsT – Precisely Mrs Tweety. Your mom was right. Trust her. See my reply to shrimp cake above.

  19. minishorts says:

    they don’t eat vegetables lah…

    either that or they don’t eat enough. you know… all that dieting… in the end want to shit also cannot shit.

  20. lilian says:

    And I am still praying I get lausai so bad I need to stay in the hospital tomorrow (to avoid Cheng Beng at 6 graves!).

  21. moo_t says:

    Sure won’t work. Malay hawker sell all sort of bandung, condensed milk cum xxyy fruit drinks, milk+watermelon is one of those.

    Try Papaya milk. ;p

  22. fish fish says:

    Hey Michael, this is a post of an issue I’ve been owez wondering since came to Japan. In case you dun know, Japanese gals a lot having problem in letting the shits out. 2-3 days constipation is just something very normal. The worst I’ve heard was 2 weeks once. You know how my face distored when I enter the washroom with some Japanese gal doing her business?? Man~~~

    That’s why one can see bunches of commercial on constipation soothing pills in TV.

    I was having serious constipation many years ago. But since I started my vegetarian life, the problem just *puff* hilang. :P

    Btw, can you tell me if guys commonly have constipation?

  23. doc says:

    Constipation? No problem! Where’s our bahyee brothers? :P

    If you want, I can teach you “Lord’s dilatation” too. ;)

  24. michaelooi says:

    minishorts – They DO eat vegetables. That moolah sucker is a diet freak. If she doesn’t eat vegetables, then there’s nothing left on this planet for her to eat ler…

    lilian – I don’t think that’s a hard thing to do, right ? Artificially induce it.

    moo_t – Why … are you a papaya salesman/girl or something ?

    fish fish – Generally, I seldom see guys having constipation problems. I myself would at least dump once a day. I don’t know bout the others.

    doc – Baseball bat works as well, doc. No need bhai’s…

  25. moo_t says:

    Never heard of steam papaya with milk? Good for mums who do breast feeding. :p

  26. James says:

    I saw the posts, most of my guy friends that are really close to me get constipated. They strain alot. And a few of the use glycerin suppositories becaue they are fast, predictable and only work once (and dont hurt) I used them from time to time for quick relief.

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