March 28, 2005

a romantic “wee-hours-in-the-morning”

Ever wondered what happens when a person is radiated with too much Chinese romance novels? Here’s an example to give you an idea :

The incident happened many years ago. I was only 9 years old or something (I can’t remember the exact year). The night was serene and all of my family members were sleeping, when the goddamn phone rang. It was those old phones that had a mechanical bell as alert and was kinda loud (note: mobile phone was not invented yet).

Thinking that it could be one of those lewd teenagers again (that had been prank calling our homes ever since my sister reached her puberty), everyone sort of ignored that call and continued with our sleep. But then, the phone continued to ring until it became too annoying to be ignored, as none of us could actually sleep with that perpetual ringing going on. Then I heard somebody yelled “HAIYAAHH!! [cue in some unintelligible profanities in CAPS]!!!” and came stomping out of the room. It was my mom.

Curious like any other 9 year olds, I took a peek into the living room, anticipating something bad to happen. That’s because my mom’s like a bear. If you wake her up from her sleep, she’s going to make you her snack. Alright, my mom then petulantly picked up the phone and screamed into the handset (following conversation was translated from Hokkien)

Mom : “WHO IS THIS ???”

Caller : “….”

Mom : “[insert more unintelligible profanities]. YOU BETTER SPEAK UP YOU @#$%&X+/@ ! ”

Caller : “Aunty… I am Ah Seng…”

Alright, I’m gonna have to pause here and do some introduction about Ah Seng. Ah Seng was my sister’s friend (Ah Seng = a very typically common name like ‘John’. It is said that if a meteor were to struck right in the middle of Penang, there will be at least a 50% casualties named ‘Ah Seng’, no shit). God knows where she befriended him, but he seemed to be a nice guy. Been to our home before, in pretense of borrowing our toilet or something, and my mom kinda felt comfortable with this Ah Seng guy. My perception of him as a 9 year old? He’s just another dimwit that was stupid enough to date my disastrous sister (let’s give my sister a name, shall we ? Let’s call her Beancurd).

Now back to that ass creaming phone call

Mom : “AH SENG !!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE TIME NOW!?”

Ah Seng : “Aunty, I’m sorry. I need to talk to Beancurd right now… please let me talk to her…”

And my mom proceeded to yell for my sister (‘wake up bitch’ or something), passed the phone over and went back to sleep. When my sister took over the phone, she began to shout at Ah Seng like a skank who had just been mugged off her libido and slammed the phone down. It was cruel and fast… she then got back to her bed, covered herself with a blanket. About a short while later, as expected, the phone rang again. This time, my sister was already sound asleep like a dead log and again, my mom had to answer the phone – but this Ah Seng, didn’t even give my mother a chance to shout at him, because he started crying on the phone right away

Ah Seng : [wails on the phone]

Mom : [freaks out] “WHO’S THIS ???”

Ah Seng : “Aunty [sob sob] … it’s me Ah Seng… [sob] Beancurd ditched me…[wails out loud]

Mom : “JUST GET ANOTHER GIRL AND STOP CALLING THIS PHONE NUMBER, YOU @#$%…”

Ah Seng : “Aunty, [sob] I’m now at your apartment’s foyer… can you ask Beancurd to meet me? If she doesn’t, I’m gonna kill myself right now” [SLAMS PHONE]

It freaked my mom alright. Apparently, Ah Seng had been calling from a public phone right below our apartment block and as he had hinted, yes, my sister dumped him that day and he threatened to kill himself if Beancurd didn’t see him pronto.

The reaction? My mom frantically dug Beancurd up from her deep sleep while shouting “sei lor! sei lor!”. And that was when my sister started to freak out as well. Ironically, I was very amused by the whole thing, as I didn’t think Ah Seng would be successful in his missions that night – in both killing himself and winning Beancurd back. Even if Beancurd were to mend back the relationship, she would dump him again. No shit. That’s because my sister’s so predictable, and cruel.

Alright, I saw my mom and Beancurd discussed about some plan. I couldn’t hear what they were discussing because they shooed my nosy ass back into the room by my mom. They then went out to negotiate with Ah Seng about 5 minutes later and didn’t come back for another hour or two. (I was already sound asleep when the whole deal was over).

But from my mom’s description (the next day) about Ah Seng that night, she said that he cried like there was no tomorrow and was holding a broken bottle shard against his wrist (what a sissy way to kill oneself). My mom said that she had to spurt heaps of bullshits (advices that old people would dispense without logic…) to calm that agitated prick down until he finally dropped that glass shard. Beancurd? Well, she was basically petrified watching the whole episode of bummer unfolding before her eyes. But on the next day, I heard her boasting about ‘someone who’d kill himself for her love’ to her imbecile cronies on the phone. For hours. [Girls…*shakes head]

Many years later (still years before present), as I suddenly recalled the whole funny incident, I curiously threw Beancurd some questions :

Me : “Hey, you remember that incident of that stupid guy Ah Seng who tried to kill himself for you?”

Beancurd : “Yeah, the guy who lives at XXX Road” [XXX is a road name which I wouldn’t want to reveal for confidentiality’s sake …]

Me : “That happened like, right in the middle of the night, right?”

Beancurd : “Yeah”

Me : “I have been thinking – the bus service stops before midnight, he was too poor to hire a midnight taxi. And he didn’t have a motorcycle or any transport either… do you think he actually WALKED to our place?”

XXX Road was in the city area and our flat was situated about 10 – 11 kilometers away. o_O

Beancurd : “Hmmmm… come to think of it, most likely… yeah.”

Me : “And after mom settled him off, he had to… like… walk all the way back home?”

Beancurd : “Damn ! that is like… 10 – 15 minutes’ drive from there!” [dumbfucked]

Hadn’t it occurred to him that he could have :
1) taken a bus to our place in the morning or afternoon?
2) not to kill himself but kill my sister?
3) or better still, felt thankful to rid off my disastrous sister and take a bus to somewhere else to celebrate instead?
4) with another hotter looking girl ?

You know what, I suspected that Ah Seng read too much Chinese romance novels. He must have fantasized his whole life as if it is taking place in some fictatious romantic story… and was finally snapped back to reality by the sore blisters at the soles of his feet for walking a distance too long.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 

28 Comments to “a romantic “wee-hours-in-the-morning””

  1. Adam says:

    Some people would call that romantic. I call it stupid. Yes, I know thats what you are trying to say right. ;-)

  2. wm says:

    haha how old was beancurd when you didnt have a single pubic hair, or perhaps 2? :P wahahahahah

    and how old was the seng guy? suicide.. never ever..its too stupid :( its really not worth it because.. my friend done that 3 weeks ago :((

  3. Zer0 says:

    Beancurd?. Haha.

  4. ken says:

    *ken adds Ah Seng to Stupid Chinese list.

  5. cyber-red says:

    my bf’s ex did the same thing..mind you ah.. haggard woman aged late 30s fighting with my him, trying to snatch knife and all..crazy people.

  6. doc says:

    Call the polis – “Ada orang mahu bunuh diri.” Simple.

  7. Zer0 says:

    Ken: Ah, just quit it with your stupid chinese thing. It ain’t funny.

  8. HolyCow says:

    Darn, can’t see any text here… the text is black in color, same as the background… site error?

  9. Suen says:

    Guys like these really boost up our female confidence you know *evil chuckle

  10. Chee says:

    Zero: Let it be. He is just on top of his own list, or he feel lonely in his own list (since he is the only one in the list) and needs some company. :)

  11. Jase says:

    Remember the story about the soldier who called back to his parents asking their permission to bring back a crippled friend? When the parents refuses to, that guy killed himself but when the parents went for morgue identification, they found it was their son?

    Same story here man. I mean these guy should just die. They keep thinking that they’re the centre of the universe and everybody revolves around them. They should know that everybody revolves everybody and there is nothing he could do but to shut up and accept life for it is.

    So, I wonder did Ah Seng give up his life already?

  12. michaelooi says:

    adam – Don’t worry, I got your point :)

    wm – Suicide can be good at times. it helps our society rid of stupid people.

    ken – So, you and your parents are at the top of the list ? BOLDED ?

    cyber-red – Alright, I now know you’re hot.

    doc – Do you really think the police would actually be efficient enough to handle that ?

    Holycow – I have entirely revamped the whole CSS script. And because your browser may still keep the old CSS in it’s cache (I didn’t change the filename), you may actually see a blank page. Just reload your browser to fix it.

    suen – To us normal guys, it’s called ‘a disgrace’.

    jase – I don’t know, man. He’s probably dead, but not that it matters.

  13. elphinstone says:

    your mum really cool lah!! if someone were to call me in the middle of the night i think my parents will kill me! :P

  14. cmos says:

    Fulamak Michael… your sister… tau huey… very powderful-leh!!! Respek habis!!!

  15. fish fish says:

    Beancurd? Geee… where you get the idea call her like this? She very fair and soft is it? Kekeke…

  16. dSaint says:

    ur mom sounds like mine man. a bit a bit fark kaw kaw in hokkien. shoot first, explain later type. respect.

  17. minishorts says:

    hahahha… i can also see the rain falling heavily, ah seng standing outside under your building block, the telephone booth next to him but he (stupidly) prefers to get drenched… and probably hoping that your sis will ‘pity me and come down with an umbrella, dotted with huge pink polka dots’…. that’s the ultimate ‘TVB/Taiwan serial syndrome’ happening in real life…

    but every other person has got to do it once in his life to really ‘revel’ in stupidity. i did it once, and it was helluva fun!!! to the extent i so regret it now…. ahahhahah :D

  18. michaelooi says:

    elphine – But then, you don’t have to worry about that now, right ? We have mobile phones. They vibrates. (imagine how many teenagers’ lives have been spared)

    cmos – ‘tau huey’ ? I thought beancurd is ‘tau kua’ ?

    fish fish – No, I’m not referring to her looks. I’m referring to her IQ – she has the intelligence comparable to a beancurd.

    dSaint – When a woman grows old and has a few obnoxious kids to guard, they tend to drift towards the dark side…

    minishorts – So catastrophic isn’t it ? Thunderstorms, rains … they’re all linked to romanticism. Why can’t they choose something else more practical ? Like having fun playing Smackdown on PS2 or something …

  19. Primrose says:

    *sigh* Things that boys would do for girls those days. Now??? Chey, break off ma break off lor! Like that.

  20. ShaolinTiger says:

    CTRL+F5 will fix the black on black problem, it did for me anyway..

  21. MrsT says:

    Hahahah!! yer hilarious.. Mike!

  22. lilian says:

    Gosh, Mike, don’t you wish all the Ah Sengs like this kill themselves? Males like that got no balls. Crying over a failed relationship. Thank goodness Beancurd never fell for that or else Mike will never get to be ‘Ah Koo’ forever (uncle) ‘cos he got no balls mah.

  23. michaelooi says:

    primrose – you really think it’s a cool idea to have someone like Ah Seng falling for you ?

    lilian – but sometimes, we need guys like Ah Seng show us the negative things that we shouldn’t do … and let us learn without touching the boiling water.

  24. Primrose says:

    *shiver shiver* Ah Seng = Ah Beng. Brrr, no thanks. Teehee!

  25. tiuniasing says:

    “we need guys like Ah Seng show us the negative things that we shouldn’t do … and let us learn without touching the boiling water.”

    This is so cool!

  26. gutsygal says:

    ahah wahlau eh LOL! crazy bugger… but then again life is a drama…n stupid as he is…we had fun laffing at him rite? ^_^

  27. Kuchiki says:

    “lilian – but sometimes, we need guys like Ah Seng show us the negative things that we shouldn’t do … and let us learn without touching the boiling water.”

    lolz, tats bad, very bad but of all means, very true, haha.

    one question, any idea wad happen to the present mr.seng?

  28. acidicsports says:

    beancurb :P Everyone must fall hard at least once.. beancurb just did ah seng a favour

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