Archive for March, 2005

March 31, 2005

when dumping isn’t a fun thing

One of Emily’s crony went to the hospital today to check for an abdominal pain. It was initially thought to be due to appendicitis, but after going through a series of checkups, it was finally determined that she got too much shit lodged inside her rectum. (my first reaction upon learning this… was an almost blackout laugh). Too much shit lodged inside her rectum, I mean, can it get any more bizarre than that? Somebody fucking kill me please. *wipes tears*

Apparently, that friend of ours has been suffering from this constipation problem for quite some time. She only defecates like once every 2 or 3 days… and each time she does it, would require a ridiculously high amount of calorie burn forcing her shits out from her sphincter (if she can do this like regularly, she wouldn’t need no fucking aerobic instructor to slim down). Taking a dump is never fun for her… though generally, it’s a jovial event for us normal people. (Nothing could describe the feeling after a satisfying dump)

Now, a quick glance over our field of friends, I noticed that most of my female friends have constipation problems. It is as if their ass have a mind of its own, administering the waste department independently from the main body, practicing politics and organizing boycotts. Or perhaps they should be likened to those Islamic rebels, you know, kidnapping tonnes of shits inside the rectum for ransom. Whatever.

These female beings with mutated ass would normally poop at the interval of a few days. The worst one we heard was at a week – at good times. At her bad times, it would take up to a month. Nah, just kidding. I have no idea, really.

But then, that’s already bad enough. Can you imagine leaving your shits festering inside your rectum for up to A WEEK ? And you keep wondering why your girl would act strange at times, like some parochial tribal storming into a mall grabbing everything expensive and charge them to your credit card(s) without remorse. Cheebye, it’s their expired shits I tell you. Coincidentally, this festering shit friend I’m talking about, is the same person I called as moolah sucker a few months back.

And I can’t imagine when she were to do that big chore of disposing her decomposing shits from her rectum, it would emanate an odor so strong that it’s gonna set off the smoke detector alarm. No shit. I mean, tonnes of shits.

So, what’s wrong with these females who can’t get rid of their shits in a healthy manner and take all their side effects out by heaving an assload of troubles to us guys ? I don’t fucking know. Just dope their food with laxatives and watch some TV.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 27 Comments
March 30, 2005

the deranged side of me

Let’s face it, the world is becoming more fucked up. Most people would just pretend to be all noble and stoic about it. But it is a fact that we see things that pisses us off everyday … and sometimes, it can really get up your nerves to a point of a homicidal rage.

It could be the things that people do … or the way stuffs that turn out to look so wrong to you. Doesn’t matter. It just pisses you off. You feel like you’re on fire. You feel like screaming the smuttiest of profanity out loud to release. You get the idea.

These are some of those things (in no particular order) that makes me feel exactly that way …

1) Those motherfucking teenage retards that try to look cool in those nigger attires just pisses me off. I mean, it’s almost 40 degrees right here (anywhere) in Malaysia, and those kids are wearing thick oversized sweaters with wooly ear warmers trying to look like a rap star. They would also walk like a bunch of apes having a really bad condition of hemorrhoids and speaks with gesticulation of their peace signs pointing all over the place. Not to mention mimicking the slang they picked up from watching TV and wearing cheap plastic RM 5 per meter blings-blings they purchased from some departmental stores.

What is wrong with these people? Instigating a massive suicide of heatstroke? Or perhaps on a mission to promote prickly heats on their scalps for world peace?

2) Ever seen parents bringing their 5 year olds to a movie and absolutely have no backup plan or whatsoever if those little bastards happen to stir a ruckus inside it ? I’ve encountered that COUNTLESS of times. Those mongoloid parents would either
a) Just sit and enjoy their movie while their obnoxious son/daughter goes romping around shaking other patrons’ chairs
b) Parents themselves running together with their seemingly rebellious offspring around … creating more conflict within the cinema.
It just rapes you off your sanity. You feel like impaling the parents’ ass with a fire hydrant or something.

I do not know what were those cretins thinking. Why bring their 5 year olds to a movie ? Not that they know how to enjoy it or something. Five year olds and cinemas are ALWAYS A BAD COMBINATION. Doesn’t matter if it’s a cartoon or a muppet porn they’re screening. They’ll picket after the first 15 minutes (Unless the movie’s all about Barney the fucking purple disaster. Which would literally make them glue onto their chair … and screws your brain at the same time)

Next time if you decide to bring your 5 year old to a movie, make sure you bring along a duct tape and leash them up.

3) Those arrogant bastards on heavily modified Protons that speed at neck breaking speed everywhere they go. Be it on the way to purchase some eggs from a grocery store, or just drive to a nearest ‘mamak’ drive thru’ for a pack of ciggies – these hollow headed retards would beam their headlights, honk, show fingers or whatever necessary to get everyone out of their way … so that they can speeeeeeed. They can’t live without driving recklessly on the road and the next thing you know, they’re appearing in some government subsidized short documentary on television program as a cripple, promoting road safety campaign advising people not to follow their footsteps. Or just simply die as a road martyr, leaving behind heaps of high blood pressures and the bureaucracies of dealing with insurance claims.

Alright, maybe that’s pertaining a motorcycle. But hell, they’re just the same to me. I don’t care if you become a fucking cripple or die – it just pisses me off when you goddamn turn another road user’s car into part of your problem. If you want to speed and get accidents, make sure you hit a wall or a garbage truck, leave our cars alone.

4) Fat housewives alighting from an escalator, walk a step and fucking stop to chat with her fellow retarded housewife friend(s), right in the middle of the walkway. Due to their sheer size of terror, they automatically become a virtual roadblock in front of the escalator. And that’s when everyone has to involuntarily stack each other up before forcing themselves through that bunch of lardass housewives, traumatically chafing through their wretched gravity-worn saggy tits. (Excusing yourself through them won’t help. That’s because they’re so fucking loud themselves, that they don’t even know if there’s a train approaching).

Hello !? Get out of the fucking way. Bring your shitty conversation elsewhere. Garbage dump or anywhere. Just out of the walkway !

5) Did you happen to see that advertisement on TV featuring a cat or rabbit uttering some shitty insurance name ‘MAA’ ? Damn abominable isn’t it ? I mean, if they’re gonna ad an insurance policy or two on TV, why can’t they fucking do it properly ? They can show some idiot hitting a boner on a garbage truck with his heavily modified motorcycle (see point #4), and claims back a prosthetic leg through their insurance or something. That would make more sense to me as an insurance ad. But a talking cat/rabbit ?? What the fuck is going on here ?? What do cats/rabbits know about insurance ?? Paying the premium with their undigested excrement ???

Each time I see that advertisement, I so fucking feel like killing a cat.

If I don’t make any sense to you, just shut up.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 29 Comments
March 29, 2005

wake up call

Last night at about 1.36 am, I was abruptly awakened by a call on my cellphone. As I had misplaced my phone at the wrong corner, I had to trudge over to the opposite corner of my room to answer the phone (or at least shut the goddamn thing down). But before I could do anything about it, I saw something on the screen that surprised me – it was DrLiew.

I was like “Wtf !? Why is this guy calling me at this hour??”. I answered his call. I don’t actually recall how our conversation went like… as I was still in my half sobered state. All I could remember was a few keywords :

Earthquake.
Indonesia.
12 something am.
All over PPS.
Tsunami.
*Lilian.
*Bra.
Apartment.
Evacuate.
TV smith.
… the rest was pretty blur.

*(I have no friggin’ idea what earthquake has to do with an SAHM cult leader and her milkbag holder)

I think I also asked him something like “where did it happen?” (I wasn’t sure why it mattered that much to me at that time, not that I could do anything about it…) and doc took the liberty to explain to my zonked mind that it was somewhere near the same spot as the previous quake on Dec 26.

And I went “yeah yeah omg omg” after that, as I was completely clueless how was I supposed to react about the whole thing. I was just too damn blur to even think rationally. Man, he could have april fooled me to perform those CPR shits on myself and I might not even realize that…

I could not remember how the conversation ended, but I remember that I vowed to do something about the quake and hung up. And from what I gathered from doc over our instant messaging program earlier today – he confirmed that I was damn blur and the effect was total. Scary shit isn’t it ?

*****

Now, with those set of words above, let me attempt to reconstruct what DrLiew was trying to tell me (just like those composition exercises we all did at high school)

1) There’s an earthquake going on in Indonesia since 12 something am. It’s now spreading across all over PPS. It created a tsunami so big, that the waves washed away Lilian and her bra from her apartment. Evacuate immediately, Mike… TV Smith says so.

2) Mike, an earthquake has been detected near Indonesia at 12 something am. The tremor can be felt as far as Lilian‘s apartment. It was shaking so violently that her bra had fallen off from her clothes hanger and she’s looking for it all over PPS now. There will be a tsunami striking anytime soon, better don’t login to the internet until TV Smith gives the green light.

3) A spaceship with a big sticker lining themed “Earthquake” has just landed from Planet Indonesia at 12 something am. It’s martian commander, who hailed itself as “Komander Lilian Nobra“, has pinged a propaganda message all over PPS that it’s gonna destroy every single living organism on Earth with an artificially induced tsunami wave. TV Smith said it’s a hoax but I don’t quite agree with him. Better evacuate your apartment, Mike …

Add yours if you have more cool ideas or suggestion…

michaelooi  | happenings  | 21 Comments
March 28, 2005

a romantic “wee-hours-in-the-morning”

Ever wondered what happens when a person is radiated with too much Chinese romance novels? Here’s an example to give you an idea :

The incident happened many years ago. I was only 9 years old or something (I can’t remember the exact year). The night was serene and all of my family members were sleeping, when the goddamn phone rang. It was those old phones that had a mechanical bell as alert and was kinda loud (note: mobile phone was not invented yet).

Thinking that it could be one of those lewd teenagers again (that had been prank calling our homes ever since my sister reached her puberty), everyone sort of ignored that call and continued with our sleep. But then, the phone continued to ring until it became too annoying to be ignored, as none of us could actually sleep with that perpetual ringing going on. Then I heard somebody yelled “HAIYAAHH!! [cue in some unintelligible profanities in CAPS]!!!” and came stomping out of the room. It was my mom.

Curious like any other 9 year olds, I took a peek into the living room, anticipating something bad to happen. That’s because my mom’s like a bear. If you wake her up from her sleep, she’s going to make you her snack. Alright, my mom then petulantly picked up the phone and screamed into the handset (following conversation was translated from Hokkien)

Mom : “WHO IS THIS ???”

Caller : “….”

Mom : “[insert more unintelligible profanities]. YOU BETTER SPEAK UP YOU @#$%&X+/@ ! ”

Caller : “Aunty… I am Ah Seng…”

Alright, I’m gonna have to pause here and do some introduction about Ah Seng. Ah Seng was my sister’s friend (Ah Seng = a very typically common name like ‘John’. It is said that if a meteor were to struck right in the middle of Penang, there will be at least a 50% casualties named ‘Ah Seng’, no shit). God knows where she befriended him, but he seemed to be a nice guy. Been to our home before, in pretense of borrowing our toilet or something, and my mom kinda felt comfortable with this Ah Seng guy. My perception of him as a 9 year old? He’s just another dimwit that was stupid enough to date my disastrous sister (let’s give my sister a name, shall we ? Let’s call her Beancurd).

Now back to that ass creaming phone call

Mom : “AH SENG !!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE TIME NOW!?”

Ah Seng : “Aunty, I’m sorry. I need to talk to Beancurd right now… please let me talk to her…”

And my mom proceeded to yell for my sister (‘wake up bitch’ or something), passed the phone over and went back to sleep. When my sister took over the phone, she began to shout at Ah Seng like a skank who had just been mugged off her libido and slammed the phone down. It was cruel and fast… she then got back to her bed, covered herself with a blanket. About a short while later, as expected, the phone rang again. This time, my sister was already sound asleep like a dead log and again, my mom had to answer the phone – but this Ah Seng, didn’t even give my mother a chance to shout at him, because he started crying on the phone right away

Ah Seng : [wails on the phone]

Mom : [freaks out] “WHO’S THIS ???”

Ah Seng : “Aunty [sob sob] … it’s me Ah Seng… [sob] Beancurd ditched me…[wails out loud]

Mom : “JUST GET ANOTHER GIRL AND STOP CALLING THIS PHONE NUMBER, YOU @#$%…”

Ah Seng : “Aunty, [sob] I’m now at your apartment’s foyer… can you ask Beancurd to meet me? If she doesn’t, I’m gonna kill myself right now” [SLAMS PHONE]

It freaked my mom alright. Apparently, Ah Seng had been calling from a public phone right below our apartment block and as he had hinted, yes, my sister dumped him that day and he threatened to kill himself if Beancurd didn’t see him pronto.

The reaction? My mom frantically dug Beancurd up from her deep sleep while shouting “sei lor! sei lor!”. And that was when my sister started to freak out as well. Ironically, I was very amused by the whole thing, as I didn’t think Ah Seng would be successful in his missions that night – in both killing himself and winning Beancurd back. Even if Beancurd were to mend back the relationship, she would dump him again. No shit. That’s because my sister’s so predictable, and cruel.

Alright, I saw my mom and Beancurd discussed about some plan. I couldn’t hear what they were discussing because they shooed my nosy ass back into the room by my mom. They then went out to negotiate with Ah Seng about 5 minutes later and didn’t come back for another hour or two. (I was already sound asleep when the whole deal was over).

But from my mom’s description (the next day) about Ah Seng that night, she said that he cried like there was no tomorrow and was holding a broken bottle shard against his wrist (what a sissy way to kill oneself). My mom said that she had to spurt heaps of bullshits (advices that old people would dispense without logic…) to calm that agitated prick down until he finally dropped that glass shard. Beancurd? Well, she was basically petrified watching the whole episode of bummer unfolding before her eyes. But on the next day, I heard her boasting about ‘someone who’d kill himself for her love’ to her imbecile cronies on the phone. For hours. [Girls...*shakes head]

Many years later (still years before present), as I suddenly recalled the whole funny incident, I curiously threw Beancurd some questions :

Me : “Hey, you remember that incident of that stupid guy Ah Seng who tried to kill himself for you?”

Beancurd : “Yeah, the guy who lives at XXX Road” [XXX is a road name which I wouldn't want to reveal for confidentiality's sake ...]

Me : “That happened like, right in the middle of the night, right?”

Beancurd : “Yeah”

Me : “I have been thinking – the bus service stops before midnight, he was too poor to hire a midnight taxi. And he didn’t have a motorcycle or any transport either… do you think he actually WALKED to our place?”

XXX Road was in the city area and our flat was situated about 10 – 11 kilometers away. o_O

Beancurd : “Hmmmm… come to think of it, most likely… yeah.”

Me : “And after mom settled him off, he had to… like… walk all the way back home?”

Beancurd : “Damn ! that is like… 10 – 15 minutes’ drive from there!” [dumbfucked]

Hadn’t it occurred to him that he could have :
1) taken a bus to our place in the morning or afternoon?
2) not to kill himself but kill my sister?
3) or better still, felt thankful to rid off my disastrous sister and take a bus to somewhere else to celebrate instead?
4) with another hotter looking girl ?

You know what, I suspected that Ah Seng read too much Chinese romance novels. He must have fantasized his whole life as if it is taking place in some fictatious romantic story… and was finally snapped back to reality by the sore blisters at the soles of his feet for walking a distance too long.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 28 Comments
March 27, 2005

ken

Guys, I want to show you something here. Remember the gay troll Ken? Who has the uncanny hatred towards his own race – Chinese? Who uses his ‘dumbass’ friend’s nick as his own’s? Who can’t comprehend the simplest of English and yet snobbish enough to correct others… with a MISTAKE?

Well, I found his blog. Apparently, he’s just a teenager. An ardent gamer. Whatever. After I have I ‘blocked’ him, he couldn’t get most of his comments through… and decided to take it all out by posting it out in his blog. Yes, to troll me up in his own blog.

That’s very bright of him. Hmmmmppffhhh. And he hasn’t even completed his high school yet. Oh my god. And he kept stressing that he hates Chinese. I wonder who he likes… Banglas? Or perhaps some cannibals in the Amazonian jungle ? I don’t know.

But then, his blog isn’t really that popular. Hence, I’m inclined to promote his blog here – hoping that he’ll get some hits and people listening to him.

All, please hover to Ken’s blog through the URL below…

http://www.fat404.tk/

More info about Ken…

Date of Birth : 09 May 1987
Place of Birth : Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Race : Chinese
Language Spoken : English, Chinese, Malay
Primary School : SRJK (C) Pekan Lama
Secondary School : SMJK Sin Min
Address : Sungai Petani, Kedah Darul Aman, Malaysia.
E-Mail Address : fat404@yahoo.com [Never change unless I die or Yahoo! down].
Where to be seen : Counter-Strike 1.6 Singapore Server, 56thesohai.tk, Yahoo!, ICQ.
Yahoo! ID : fat404
ICQ UIN : 115549442

Note to Ken : You’re a very ‘bright’ kid. Your mom must be so proud of you. But then if she were to be given a choice, I bet she would have chosen to give birth to a piece of lamb chop instead.

michaelooi  | characters  | 31 Comments