Archive for February, 2005

February 7, 2005

seeking enlightenment

Some female-beliefs, not sure if they are really true. I hope someone can enlighten me …

– By flicking your own hair repeatedly (and tilt head at an angle while reading a magazine), it would somehow paint an impression to the guys that you’re actually a suave and intelligent girl.

– By deliberately swinging your hips left and right when you’re walking, your body would automatically become an hourglass figure, you’re suddenly more confident than any other normal girls, and guys are gonna swoon all over you.

– It doesn’t matter if you have an assload amount of zits on your face, as they would all be invisible once you put on some opaque whitish acne cream on it.

– By attaching your sunglasses above your forehead on top of your hair (like a hairband), you’re automatically a few notches higher in taste for fashion… even though you don’t really intend to wear those glasses. This is especially true at night. (note: has to be a branded sunglasses to be effective)

– You will automatically transform into a cute Japanese girl when you dye your hair pink, expose your navel, pierce your nose and dons a pair of ultra thick soled pair of technicolored shoes … irregardless of your age.

– Your IQ immediately gain a bonus point by +50 when you speak any language with a hint of fake English accent in it. Another +30 bonus if your audience is someone old and illiterate.

– It’s much more worth it to have a 150 bucks haircut … than to let that ‘dishonest’ vegetable seller charge you an extra 50 cents for that kilogram of spinach.

– An “Ah Lian” is someone who dyes their hair blond, not like yours, which is a slightly darker brown.

– Each time when you’re depressed or have a bad mood, no matter how many times a month, you’ll have PMS.

– Guys are so dumb and obtuse that they wouldn’t be able to differentiate between natural tits versus fake ones (silicone, styrofoams, kleenex, cutie-compact, etc).

– Each time a bunch of guys ogle at your direction – your foundation, lipstick, mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow or whatever chemicals on your face would spontaneously diminish fast and you’ll have to re-apply them in haste (in order not to shock them blackout).

and so on.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 19 Comments
February 6, 2005

random conversation II

This is the 7 millionth time my ICQ blinked from a same person … vivian (if you can remember her ..)

vivian : “hello”

heavenly (my androgynous nick in ICQ) : “hello”

vivian : “happy new year”

heavenly : “happy … happy”

vivian : “wat are u doing now;?”

heavenly : “blogging lor”

I reckon that she probably didn’t have a clue what is a blog, because she didn’t reply for almost 50 minutes or so… before she shot me a few more questions (which she had asked a few times before in previous chat sessions)

vivian : “hi. u from where laio? i forget”

heavenly : “penang”

You know, I’m already too lazy to tell her that there’s a button in her ICQ menu called ‘User Details’… that would have led her to ‘the light’…

vivian : “c”

I think she meant “I see”. More questions …

vivian : “then wat is yr job. when u holiday? i curious about u”

What was I supposed to do? Knowing that even if I tell her my line of occupation again, it wouldn’t stay in her cache of memory for more than a minute. She’s probably gonna ask the same thing again later/tomorrow. So I devised something that might scare her off for good …

heavenly : “i am a trishaw peddler… i pick my nose and flick boogers at stray animals”

vivian : “not undersatnd. good nite”

What is so hard to understand here? And man, she got freaked out so much that she spelled ‘understand’ as ‘undersatnd’… and finally left me be.

To those of you teenagers or horny spinster out there, although I am not really a ‘trishaw peddler that has the fetish for tormenting animals with my dried mucus’, please do not be so easily assume that the ‘cute guy’ whom you randomly met online… MAY POSSIBLY BE SOMEONE (whom you would consider as ‘undesirable’) HIDING BEHIND A BEAUTIFUL PSEUDONYM ….

Someone like – trishaw peddlers, Banglas, garbage collectors, undertakers, grave robbers, pimps, government office clerks…

If you’re desperate, get a butt plug.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 13 Comments
February 4, 2005

low leveled invention

I was having my lunch with the engineers today, when I spotted something wacky. It was a girl… wearing this really low cut jeans. So low, that it was revealing her butt crack to the public. I almost choked and while gasping for air, I quickly alerted the guys to check her butt out.

It was a sight to behold, needless to say… as the girl was quite a hot one. Fair skinned, long hair, nice rack. If it wasn’t for that jeans, one would have labeled her as an exotic creature. No shit.

Well, initially, I couldn’t get myself to understand why girls seems to like wearing those absurd looking pants at all. But after giving it a thought for a while, I manage to develop a theory that pretty much explains everything.

Alright, it is actually not about fashion or something lubricious. It’s actually all about convenience. To fart. That’s right, convenience to FART. Before I go on explaining why, let us first attempt to understand the anatomy behind a fart.

As we all know, we have 2 ass cheeks (let’s call them airbags for fuck’s sake). These 2 airbags are located close together in such a way that a deep cleft is formed in the middle – which we would often refer as ‘buttcrack’. When an overflow of flatulence occurs, a stream of toxic gas would escape out from the anus at high speed – in high pressure, pushing it’s way out through the tight crevice/buttcrack into the atmosphere.

Because the airbags are soft, the surface of those airbags would actually give way for the forceful gas to pass out. Once the gas is out, the surface of the previously waded airbags would slap back together (due to the natural retentive force of the airbag), emitting a ‘clap’ sound. And when you have gases constantly streaming out from the anus, the airbags would flutter and clap itself repeatedly at high frequency … creating the signatory fart noise. POOOT…

Hence, theoretically, it is safe to assume that the size and ‘hardness’ of both airbags would actually play a significant role in a fart’s frequency. Big and saggy asses would emit a lower frequency farts (BORRRRTTT). Smaller and muscular asses would emit higher frequency farts (FUIIIIITTT). You get the idea.

Now, back to the absurd low waist pants discussion – what has it got to do with convenience to fart?

You see, girls like to flaunt their ASSets. You know… tight pants, tight skirts, etc … maintain the contour/shape of their caboose. And when they wear those tight fitting garments wrapping their asses, their airbags would be forcefully pushed together… making their fart gases harder to escape. Either it’s gonna go astern back into the intestine (screwing up their internal organs) or it would literally explode out through the harder passage emitting the motherfuckest of a loud fart – BFFFFFVORRRRRRRT.

No girls would want that to happen. And they’re not willing to wear loose pants … because they’re so uncool. So, how do they counter this problem? Low waist pants.

With a low waist pant, the buttcrack would be partially exposed out to the atmosphere. When the gas is building up ready to explode, the exposed buttcrack would act as a duct… chute… chimney… exhaust pipe… whatever… for the gas to escape upwards… squaring off the surge of pressure inside – and thus, eliminating the chance of ripping out a very loud fart.

(And since most of them wear thickly scented perfume, neither of them have to worry about smelling bad when the fart jetted upwards.)

It’s an ingenious creation. It’s sexy, it’s revolutionary… and it’s FART PROOF !

So next time, when you smell something kooky and sees a lady wearing a low waist pant exposing her ‘exhaust pipe’ nearby, give her a perturbed look while pinching your nostrils… and spill her beans.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 21 Comments
February 3, 2005

the ultimate breakup guide

Speaking of dumping their virulent partner, most guys would shudder at the thought of doing it. They would often cogitate hard on how to get it done without much hassle… and how to make it unfold as naturally and as harmless as possible. Well, I have one message for those of you who shares the similar thought — go fuck yourself.

That’s right, go fuck yourself. Since you’re already so pissed with your bitch for ruining your shit and wasting your time, why bother?? This isn’t a soap opera or some tacky Shakespearean drama, you dolt. This is a break off! They’re suppose to HURT. They’re suppose to be 18GANAS.

Instead, thou should mastermind and plot that breakup event meticulously like an art (no, you aren’t gonna just end it up with a gaudy phone call and hear her cry like a banshee). You should tattoo that painful memory into her soul… so that she would remember you for the rest of her life (not just another forgotten ex in a sour relationship).

Still no idea how do it?? Alright, alright, hopeless as you may be, let me, the wise and friendly one, help you out here for another time. I hereby, have prepared some examples that may give you an idea how to start…

Romance-Gone-Wrong Breakup (RGWB)
You’ll need a hotel room and some good sense of timing for this one. Prepare a bottle of red poster color complete with a brush. Hide them inside the hotel restroom. Prepare for a romantic dinner for two, INSIDE THE HOTEL ROOM. Then mix an abundant amount of laxative into her meal… make sure you don’t mix her’s up with yours… else it would be a disaster BOTH of you will remember (you’re suppose to target her, not yourself).

Alright, once everything’s ready, wait for her arrival and dine with the bitch. Make sure she hoovers every ounce of her laxative laden meal. Based on your gut feel, sneak a chance to the restroom, right before her bowel explode (timing must be perfect). Now, paint your breakup message onto the restroom door… use your imagination… make it sound as painful as possible. Like
“Our relation ends as soon as you finishes purging your thick soup of shit chowder. Thanks for everything and happy purging”

She’s gonna soon storm into the toilet bowl to jet out her shit… and during that period, bail out of the hotel room. When she’s busy wondering on the throne what is actually happening there, she will get to see the poster color message on the toilet door.

How can she not remember you ? ;)

Costs : hotel room, dinner, a bottle of laxative, a bottle of poster color paint, brush.

Skankily Wild Breakup (SWB)
This method is more suitable for those who has a madcap girlfriend.
Like the previous one, get a hotel room (you’ll need it later) and prepare a permanent marker pen. Then start the night at the most happening club in town. Make sure she’s having a good time. Then try to get her into drunken stupor. If she’s a good drinker, get stronger alcohols. Half a dozen graveyards or something.

Once the bitch’s down, carry her up to the hotel room. No… don’t undress her, you’re not suppose to have sex with her. One should never ever screw anything out of their own circle of species, heed my advice kids.

Alright, use the permanent marker pen, and write your most creative break up message onto her forehead. If you have a bad handwriting, you may need to use a template to mark the characters CLEARLY on her forehead. Oh.. and make sure you write it in the inversed form, so that she could read it in front of the mirror. (you may even strip her naked and decorate your messages at places where the sun don’t shine… but there’s a potential risk that the bitch may bring the matter to court for rape charges… so, you decide whether it’s worth the risk)

Once done, bail.

You’ll be remembered.

Costs : hotel room, club cover charge, alcohol (subjective), permanent marker pen (reusable)

Alright, this is getting unbelievably long… and tiring. I’ll leave the rest for you guys to imagine and counter suggest … so that our world would become a better place to live…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 22 Comments
February 2, 2005

‘guy talk’

BigSnake and myself had a ‘guy talk’ today. At first, we were just having a simple prattle about girls, when he began to relate about his recent relationship conflict. He started out by referring his girlfriend as … well … “my girlfriend” … then later with more livid representations like “that bitch… cunt… ” … and before long, our discussion began to sound like we’re some chauvinist terrorists plotting to eradicate all dickless living creatures on Earth. Full of resentment and hate (and he’d regularly end each sentence with a “kanneh” to spice up his message)

Well, it appeared that he had just recently discovered that his girlfriend isn’t what she really was anymore. Of what used to be a girl of his dreams, has now turned into something he dreaded most – a female dog. He is upset about every bit of her – from the way she walks, to the way she talks. And he relived his nightmares to me like a Pro Wrestler denigrating an opponent. Huarrggg aarrhrhh *head butts a table*.

So, what actually happened back there? You see, BigSnake is a harmless guy. Yes, he eats wild animals, ogles at a tit or two and only goes whoring for not more than 10 times… but he has never delinquent as a good boyfriend. He always buy her presents, brings her to the finest restaurants and submissively porks her whenever she wants it hot. But instead of appreciating his benevolence, she took the relationship for granted. She became more and more greedy over the months… and eventually, selfishness possessed her. Everything that both of them does, would literally means, to suit her appeasement only.

Eg . She would rightfully claim that she thinks “Kungfu Hustle” is a shitty movie and refuse to watch it with BigSnake… but would get all peeved if BigSnake reserves the same opinion about “Phantom of the Opera”. BigSnake would then have no choice but to accompany her to watch that super shitty movie. (I mean, come on, how could a girl haul her own boyfriend along to watch that kind of sohai movie with her ? Who in their right mind would do that ? This is so inhumane.). BigSnake told me that he slept throughout the entire “Phantom of the Opera” screening …and later got a lot of scolding from that beast for failing to enjoy it.

You get the idea. Initially it was all cool for BigSnake, but after suffering for a few months, his accumulated anger reached its peak… and he snapped right in front of me today. He poured everything out like diarrhea… almost to the brink of punching an innocent motherboard lying nearby.

“Mah eh chee bye leh! Tiuuuu lei low mei!” – never had I heard BigSnake cussed in that professional manner before. I quickly gave him a few “cool down” advice before he went any madder. But I knew my efforts were futile. The real deal lies on his decision – whether to give his girl a chance to change… or dump that four-legged sasquatch … (Though I very much hoped he would just do the latter without further ado).

After a few more rounds of techicolored language rantings, he finally heaved a sigh of relief and cooled down. He then uttered :

“Man, nothing felt like expressing it out to a friend. Thanks. I think I’m gonna give that bitch another 6 months to change, and after that, I’m gonna dump her”.

I don’t know but, if I were to be in his shoes, I’m gonna probably bone her halfway and abandon her right before she climaxes the big O — so that it’ll be a painful break up for her to remember all her life. (in case you wondered about myself, I can always use my hands to even back the odds, not a problem)

I think we lacked of beers, else it would have been a perfect ‘guy talk’.

michaelooi  | characters  | 20 Comments