Archive for February, 2005

February 17, 2005

duel of the superpowers

I was at Emily’s hometown last night for the Jade Emperor celebration. The girls (Emily’s sisters etc) were busy preparing for the prayers and I was a proven disaster inside the kitchen. So, I did what I’m good at, sitting at the couch watching the TV.

I tried my best to enjoy every minute of it despite the sheer hot weather… but I couldn’t. That’s because I was surrounded by approximately half a dozen of boisterous little human called ‘kids’… and all of them were trying not to be as silent as anyone had hoped for. One minute, they were wrestling each other and the next, they were screaming spasmodically like lunatics.

But then, it was still ok for me, for they were just being very noisy and minding their own businesses… until one of them felt that it was cool to harass their lazy uncle (which is… yours truly) who seemed to be lacked of some life sitting around doing nothing. So, that nephew of mine (about 4 – 5 years of age) tried to spice up the situation by transforming himself into some superhero (which I presume was ‘ultraman’ from the way he gestured his recognizable zapping post) and stared at me with this serious look.

A look… that changed my heroic course forever… that told me I am his monster for that night… that told me that he intended to beat my ass up. You see, I have always been an ultraman all my life. I beat up other monster kids and stray animals alike. I have always been the protector of peace and never had I ever thought of quitting. But last night, I was forcefully abdicated from my superhero post, and unofficially made a villain cum monster by my nephew…

That little guy graced his fight with a chant of something unintelligible to me… and suddenly lunged forward without warning with his forefinger – which poked my left cheek (as I was seated and approximately the same height as he was). With a quick reflex, I retaliated by prodding him with a few finger pokes back into his face and rib cage, which sent the self proclaimed superhero cowering helplessly into a corner. It was an undeniable fact, that I was both equally good being an ultraman and a monster.

But my victory was short-lived, for there came another nephew ultraman that had been watching the whole deal at another corner like a hawk, ready to pounce on me to avenge for his fallen ultraman comrade (damn, it was kinda ironic isn’t it? Those bunch of ultramen’s uncle is actually a monster…)

This second ultraman was of even younger age (3 years old I think) and started out by sending in a lopsided flying kick. I grabbed hold of his flying puny leg, ridiculed him to try harder and let go. The process repeated for a few times until he finally lost his footing and landed on the floor… to which he then gave up. He was obviously not my match. That was when Emily picked him up and gave the little guy some encouragement.

“Come come, let’s beat uncle up…”

Kids, they’re always motivated with simple things like that… and you can never imagine how a simple instruction from a young girl (like this) would result an effect of such magnitude on those kiddy minds. The little guy, now being backed up by the rest of the half dozen members of the ultraman gang, started to surround where I was sitting. The next thing I knew after being surrounded, was that I was being beamed by a score of transparent laser zaps by that mob of ultramen. It was all chaos right there, you know, because they were all screaming while doing those stunts.

Being surrounded, zapped by so many zappers and exposed to such a massive amount of sound radiation, I had no choice but to give up. This was like David and Goliath situation – which in this situation I wasn’t really David. As I was lying helplessly like an impotent rag doll on a couch, fearing for the worst that has yet to happen (that is, those kids would suddenly think that it would be even more cool to mimic The Rock’s flying elbow maneuver). Then suddenly… by some means of miracle, all the zappings stopped abruptly by something that resembled a thunder clap.

The sound was so loud that it terrified the gang of ultramen and had them frozen still in terror. It was the yell of the hive queen of all monsters who hailed the name “HOUSEWIFE”. With a set of fiery eyes, carnivorous looking mouth, size as big as a mountain and armed with a light saber, she’s one foul creature that you would never want to mess with. (now, this is the killer of all irony, she’s actually the mother of 3 of those ultramen in that gang, and also my wife Emily’s sister – we’re all fucking related).

She was waving her light saber skankily like somebody had lost her mind, and with only one sweep, it graced the butt of almost all the ultramen. It was unbelievable.

“YOU ALL !! HAVEN’T I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET??? NOW GO SIT BY THAT CORNER!!!” she was pointing the light saber at the terrified ultramen while issuing that threat. In no time, all the half dozen of terrified ultramen scurried to that corner and sat servilely as decreed. A few threats later, only did the HOUSEWIFE get back to her busy chores, leaving myself pointing at the bunch of terrified ultramen and ridiculed them shit headed …

It was the day where evil triumphed over the good.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 25 Comments
February 16, 2005

peaceful world

For the past few weeks, there has been a lot of big shots stirring up some ruckus about the cleanliness of Penang. It was as if they have just returned from a few decade’s journey into outer space, and suddenly realized how much the Pearl Of Orient has evolved. Like some big deal. (some of the big shots have actually been living on that island for YEARRRRSSSSS… and yet, they realize not).

One thing led to another, those big shots finally decided to congregate and analyze the situation through some unofficial conferences… and managed to identify the root cause of the problem – ‘THE ATTITUDE OF PENANG DWELLERS’. So, what did they do? They held a press conference and tell the whole nation, that Penang dwellers need to be more rational… and change their behavior, to make the state clean again.

That’s some awesome piece of advice… don’t you think? Ahhh… how good it is to know that we’re gonna have a cleaner Penang again tomorrow. The people are definitely gonna heed those advices and change their attitude after reading what the big shots have to say.

Well then, perhaps they should issue more press conferences like this to ask the people to change their behavior/attitude in different aspects as well, like

– don’t rape or molest any living things on this planet (including plants)
– don’t commit crimes or any activities that are prohibited by the law
– don’t drive recklessly or violate any traffic rules
– be kind to the elders and respect all lives
– pay all your summonses and taxes diligently.
– etc

And after that, we’ll definitely gonna have a perfectly peaceful world. If it’s as simple as that.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 8 Comments
February 15, 2005

dangerous dogs

I was tailing behind a big truck today, when our vehicles came to a curved section of the road. A quick glance to the side of that curve, lay a group of stray dogs (about 3 of them)… hanging out, doing things that dogs are supposed to do… you know, like licking each other’s anus and checking out whatever’s so important around it. They looked fairly harmless though, minding their own business.

I could see the truck passing right beside where the canines were hanging out. Just as its front wheels rolled pass the spot, suddenly, the truck driver blared its loud air horn (that could blow even a deaf mule). I have no idea idea why did the truck driver do that. There weren’t any vehicles in front of the truck and obviously, the dogs weren’t blocking its way either. They were just merely basking on the dirt by the side of the road.

The reaction was predictable, all the 3 dogs simultaneously jerked up half a feet up into the air (quite a sight)… and scampered blindly into a bush nearby.

I was laughing so hard that I almost swayed my car off the road (during the curve) from wiping my tears. Luckily, I was alert enough to relieve my wiping hands and yank the steering to get the vehicle get back on the road. Else I would have ended up hitting a tree.

Damn dogs. Their stupidity and clumsiness that makes us laugh can be so fucking dangerous sometimes… especially when one’s driving.

Come think of it, wouldn’t it be cool to install a similarly powerful air-horn on my Lorraine? I can imagine the cool things I can do with it – like waking up my neighbors… freaking out some stray animals … or probably supply some shock therapy to pedestrian housewives … wooo !

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 17 Comments
February 14, 2005

how to piss your favorite asshole/bitch – Valentines Day edition

As I was capering happily away for lunch today, I saw an obese guy (whom I think must be a florist or something) came walking from the opposite direction into the building. He was carrying a bouquet of red roses that was flagrantly wrapped in some tacky glittering papers, and embellished with a big-ass colorful Valentines Day card.

That was when I remarked openly to my friends “Goddamn, do they really have to send it to the girls’ workplace?”. Well, the fat guy just gave me a blank look while walking past myself and my lunch members… as if he was scolding me from inside not to spoil the market… that he’s just earning a living by ripping off some idiot’s money.

Well, I’m cool about that. Being intellectually impaired enough to be ripped off on V-day, one’s gonna lose his money somewhere someday anyway. Might as well lose it buying something as stupid as themselves… to suit the main theme of stupidity.

Alright, back to the flowers, that bouquet was obviously meant for only 1 reason – for the girl to brandish to her co-workers… telling the whole office that she’s a ‘happening’ chick because she got a frigging bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day. Woo hoo… big fucking deal.

But what if she happens to be your ‘favorite’ asshole/bitch and is desperate for attention at the same time? That spells ‘golden opportunity’ for creative individuals like us. We’re gonna ‘help’ her get all the attention she’ll ever hoped for. Here are some professional ideas that I, the wise and friendly one, have plotted for your convenience… We’ll send something to her.

The Flashy Box
First, get a pizza box (low height but flat). Then save some used condoms (save about 24 – 36 pcs). Get from friends if couldn’t save all by yourself. If impromptu, buy some from pharmacy and self inflate it (make sure to garnish it with artificial starch or wank into it). Tie up those ‘used’ condoms in the middle part in a flock, to look like a recycled handicraft flower.

Then get a big spring (or something similar), tie condom flower at one end and stick the other at the bottom of the pizza box — so that it’ll have that jack-in-the-box effect – open up box and BOINK … condom flower pops out. Then wrap pizza box with some bright fluorescent colored decorative paper. Done.

remarks : Key idea is to make sure everyone in that bitch’s office take notice of her Valentines Day ‘gift’ (the flashy box)… and finally to surprise her black out with a jack-in-the-box used-condom-flower. She’s gonna be infamous if she opens it inside her office… and gonna get a stroke if she opens it at home.

(you may replace condom flower with basically anything… a jack-in-the-box boxing glove, or a simple electronic switch that would trigger a high decibel orgasmic moan from some porn movies etc etc etc… pretty much depends on your creativity)

Love Letters
Buy a medium can of love letters (egg roll biscuit). Eat all of them. Or feed it to neighbors’ dogs, doesn’t matter (we don’t need the biscuits). Now you have a blank love letter can. Then get some sponges, or styrofoams. Cut them up into small pieces (approximately the size of a girl’s nipple will do) and fill the can 3 quarter full.

Then go to an aquarium shop, buy as much crickets as possible to fill up the remaining quarter of the love letter can. Remember to punch some holes around can (in less apparent areas) so that crickets can breathe. Send can along with a bouquet of flowers to bitch’s workplace.

remarks : Bitch sees flowers, bitch gets flattered. Once flattered, bitch won’t feel suspicious about that can of bogus love letters. Sooner or later when she opens that can, cricket’s gonna jump all over the place and she’ll be under the spotlight in no time.

(if bitch’s your sworn enemy and you feel like being cruel, you may even mix the crickets with shit water… so that when the crickets hop all over the place, it would spread the shit soup evenly across the office. Or simply, replace the crickets with poisonous spiders…)

Lucky Pot
This is almost similar to ‘The Flashy Box’ above, except it uses a normal box instead of a pizza box. Collect all your flyers, pamphlets and unwanted promotional coupons you occasionally get in your mailbox. Stuff them all into the box. Feel free to add in anything useless into the box – animal dungs, drunk pukes, pubic hair, your neighbor’s dog’s amputated dick, etc. Wrap box with bright fluorescent colored decorative paper. Send it to the bitch’s office with a message that you love her and enclosed in the box is some earthen artwork from Italy.

remarks : earthen artwork my ass. Self explanatory.

(works on any occasion except April fool’s day – which might arouse suspicion from the bitch)

Happy Rip-Off-A-Bloke’s Day.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 13 Comments
February 13, 2005

the noise

*Two days ago, (late of third day, beginning of fourth, first moon, chicken year)…

I just came back from drinking with my buddies, time was approximately 1 am. Though I was severely exhausted from my incongruous sleeping schedule, I did not feel like crashing right at that time. Perhaps my partying zeal at nocturnally odd hours had smitten my biological clock out of it’s orbit… I decided to grab a jar of peanut cookies (they’re awesome) and watched some TV instead.

Everything was right, you know, I had a jar of cookies and the TV all by myself, mom was asleep, Emily’s out of town… and I felt good from that healthy diet of beers an hour before. Just that the TV show I was watching wasn’t some porn that I very much hoped… else it would have been perfect.

I took for what it must be the 6th or 7th cookie… when I suddenly heard some weird noises emitting from outside my apartment door. I couldn’t exactly describe how it actually sounded like… but it was almost like some plastic ruler being grated on rough concrete floor. Whatever that was, I was damn sure it was not of something natural (like strong night breeze blowing or some lizards having steamy sex …)

I took a pause long enough to decipher with my partially intoxicated and addled mind… what the hell was that sound all about. But it stopped after a short 10 seconds or so, which doused my inquisitive mind with cold water. I didn’t give a damn and continued to wolf down more cookies into my digestive system. Somehow, it didn’t seem appropriate then, for me to haul my ass off the couch to check it if it was some alien lurking outside my apartment unit plotting to take over the world.

But the sound came back after about a whole good minute later, and this time, it was much louder than before. It was beginning to get really annoying as I couldn’t really concentrate eating my cookies. I immediately put down that cookie jar and forced myself to pay a closer attention to it – but still, I couldn’t seem to be able to associate the sound with anything at all. It was simply too… strange. Alright, I then decided to react by walking towards the main door to check the sound out (just like some stupid blond checking out strange howling noises emitting from a dark alley in the movies)

As I was inching myself closer to the main door, I began to realize that the noise did not originate from outside the door. It was actually coming from my kitchen. That was when the whole situation started to get really spooky. What could actually be making that kind of noise in the fucking kitchen? Some alien with an erected plastic ruler dick crawling on the floor? If yes, then how the hell did it get into my kitchen?? There was only one way to find out – get into the kitchen myself and see it with my own eyes.

As I am quite a brave guy (I always felt that way each time I consume alcohol), I walked boldly into the kitchen, switched on the lights and searched frantically. Nothing. The noise mysteriously stopped. No signs of break in… and there was nothing suspicious inside the kitchen (except for a couple of dirty dishes which I had left during dinner time… which somebody should have washed. *rolls eyes*)

Again, I was left dumbfounded … My mind began to churn out more ridiculous thoughts – Am I having an encounter with a poltergeist or something like that? Or could it be that my alcohol intoxication has advanced to another level that makes me imagine some non existent sounds? I went back to my seat and munched more cookies to fuel my energy intensive quizzes.

Then… again… the noise returned. It continued for like 4 – 5 seconds or so … before ‘it’ suddenly decided to head towards my direction. That’s right, I could hear the noise getting nearer and nearer and nearer… and I got freaked out. I had chicken skin goosebumps all over my body right to the tip of my toes… and embraced myself for the worst (I still couldn’t see anything yet… everything was imaginary). I didn’t know what was I suppose to expect at that particular moment – but to just shut my eyes tight as if a tidal wave of ectoplasm goo was heading my way to smack me on the face [insert your favorite suspense tune].

But nothing happened. The noise, instead, hovered right above where I was sitting and I could feel its evil influence all over. Whatever that was hovering above my head, sure had its message sent very clearly – that it is something not to be messed with. Something so evil… that one dares not to even think of God for fear that it would destroy the religion of mankind. Already submitting to its evil influence, I then attempted to muster some guts and courage to raise my head up, open up my eyes, and see ‘it’ for one last time before I expire – what am I actually dealing with…. :

It was a fucking dragonfly fluttering its goddamn wings against the ceiling.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 14 Comments