I was at Emily’s hometown last night for the God of Heaven celebration. The girls (Emily’s sis’ etc) were busy preparing for the prayers and I was a proven disaster inside any kitchens. So, the most appropriate thing left for me to do was to couch around watching the TV or something.

I tried my best to enjoy every minute of it despite the sheer hot weather … but I can’t. That’s because I was surrounded by approximately half a dozen of boisterous little human called “kids” … whom all of them were trying not to be as silent as anyone had hoped for. One minute, they were wrestling each other and the other, they were screaming spasmodically like lunatics.

But then, it was still ok for me, for they’re just being very noisy and minding their own business … until one of them felt that it is kinda cool to harass their lazy uncle (which is …yours truly) who seemed to have lacked of some life idling by. So, that nephew of mine (about 4 - 5 years of age ?) tried to spice up the situation by transforming himself into some superhero (which I presume was “ultraman” from the way he gestured his signatory zapping post) and gazed at me with a super serious look.

A look … that would change my heroic course forever … that tells me I am his monster for that night … that tells me he’s gonna beat me up because of that. You see, I have always been an ultraman all my life. I beat up other monster kids and stray animals alike. I have always been the protector of peace and never had I ever thought of quitting. But last night, I was forcefully abdicated from my superhero post, and unofficially made a villain cum monster by my nephew…

That little guy graced his fight with a chant of something unintelligible to me … and suddenly lunged forward without warning with his forefinger - which thrusted my left cheek (as I was seated and approximately the same height as him). With a quick reflex, I retaliated by vellicating him with a few finger pokes back into both his face and rib cage, which sends the self proclaimed superhero cowering helplessly into the corner. It was an undeniable fact, that I was both equally good being an ultraman or monster.

But my victory was short-lived, for there’s another nephew ultraman that has been watching the whole deal at another corner like a hawk, ready to pounce on me to avenge for his fallen ultraman comrade (damn, it’s kinda ironic isn’t it ? Those bunch of ultramans’ uncle is actually a monster …).

This second ultraman is of even younger age (3 years old I think) and started out by sending in a lopsided flying kick. I grab a hold on his kicking puny leg, ridiculed him to try harder and let go. Process repeated for a few times until he imbalanced himself and landed on the ground … to which he then gave up. He was obviously not my match. That was when Emily picked him up and gave the little guy some encouragement

“Come come, let’s beat uncle up …”

Kids, they’re always motivated with simple things like that… and you can never imagine how a simple instruction from a young girl (like this) has an effect of such magnitude on those kindie minds. The little guy, now being backed up by the rest of the half dozen members of the ultraman gang, started to surround where I was sitting. The next thing I know after being surrounded, is that I was being beamed by a score of transparent laser zaps by that mob of ultramans … It was all chaos right there, you know, they’re kinda like screaming while doing those stunts.

Being surrounded, zapped by so many zappers and exposed to a virulent amount of sound radiation, I have no choice but to give up. This is like David and Goliath situation - which in this situation I ain’t really David. As I was lying helplessly like an impotent rag doll on the chair, fearing for the worst that has yet to happen (that is, those kids would suddenly think that it would be even more cool to mimic The Rock’s flying elbow maneuver), suddenly … all those zapping stopped abruptly by something of what resembled like a thunder clap.

It was so loud that it terrified the gang of ultramans and causes them to freeze with terror. It was the yell of the hive queen of all monster who hailed the name “HOUSEWIFE”. With a set of fiery eyes, carnivorous looking mouth, size as big as a mountain and armed with a light saber, she’s one foul creature that you’ll never want to mess with. (now, this is the killer of all irony, she’s actually the mother of 3 of those ultramans in that gang, and Emily’s sister).

She was waving her light saber skankily like somebody went out of her mind, and with only one sweep, it graced through the butt of almost all the ultramans. It was unbelievable.

“YOU ALL !! HAVEN’T I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET ??? NOW GO SIT BY THAT CORNER !!!” she was precariously pointing the light saber at the terrified ultramans while issuing that threat. In no time, all the half dozen of criminal ultramans scurried to a corner and sat servilely as decreed. A few threats later, only did the HOUSEWIFE get back to her busy chores, leaving myself pointing at the bunch of terrified ultramans and ridiculed them shit headed …

It was the day where evil triumphed over the good.

I was tailing behind a big truck today, when our vehicles reaches a curved section of the road. A quick glance by the side of that curve, lay a group of stray dogs (about 3 of them) … hanging out, doing things that dogs supposed to do … you know, like licking each other’s anus and checking out whatever’s so important around it. They looked fairly harmless though, minding their own business.

I could see the truck passes right beside where the canines were hangin’ out. Just as it’s front wheels rolled pass the spot, suddenly, the truck driver blared it’s motherfuckingly loud honk (that could blow even a deaf mule). I don’t have a frigging idea why did the truck driver do that. There weren’t any vehicles in front of the truck and obviously, the dogs didn’t block it’s way either. They were just merely basking on the dirt by the side of the road.

Almost instantly, I could see all the 3 dogs simultaneously jerk up half a feet up into the air (quite a sight)… and scampered blindly into a bush nearby.

I was laughing so hard that I almost swayed my car off the road (during the curve) from wiping my tears. Luckily, I was alert enough to relieve my wiping hands and yank the steering to get the vehicle get back on the road. Else I would have ended up boning a tree with my car bonnet.

Damn dogs. Their stupidity and clumsiness that makes us laugh can be so fucking dangerous sometimes… especially when you’re driving.

Come think of it, wouldn’t it be cool to install a similarly powerful air-horn on my Lorraine ? I can imagine the cool things I can do with it - like waking up my neighbors… freaking out some stray animals … or probably supply some shock therapy to pedestrian housewives … wooo !

*Two days ago, (late of third day, beginning of fourth, first moon, chicken year)…

I just came back from drinking with my buddies, time was approximately 1 am. Though I’m severely exhausted from my incongruous sleeping schedule, I don’t feel like crashing right at that time. Perhaps my recent partying zeal at nocturnally odd hours has smitten my biological clock out of it’s orbit … I decided to grab a jar of peanut cookies (they’re awesome) and watch some TV instead.

Everything was right, you know, I’ve got a jar of cookies & TV all by myself, mom’s sleeping, Emily’s out of town … and I’m feeling good from that healthy diet of beers an hour before. Just that the TV show I’m watching ain’t some porn that I very much hoped… else it would have been perfect.

I took for what it must be the 6th or 7th cookie… when I suddenly heard some weird noises emitting from outside my apartment’s door. I couldn’t exactly describe how it actually sounded like … but it’s almost like some plastic ruler being grated on rough concrete floor. Whatever that was, I was friggin’ sure it’s not of something natural (like strong night breeze blowing or some lizards having steamy sex …)

I took a pause long enough to decipher with my partially intoxicated and addled mind … what the hell was that sound all about. But it stopped after about a short 10 seconds or so, which doused my inquisitive mind with cold water. I didn’t give a damn and continued to wolf down more cookies into my digestive system. Somehow, it didn’t seem appropriate for me to haul my ass off the couch to check it if it’s some alien lurking outside my apartment unit plotting to take over the world. It simply too… inconvenient.

The sound came back after about a whole good minute later, and it’s much louder than the first time I heard it. It’s beginning to get really annoying as I couldn’t really concentrate eating my cookies. I immediately put down that cookie jar and try to force myself to pay a closer attention to it - but still, I couldn’t seem to be able to associate the sound with anything at all. It’s simply too … weird. Alright, I then decided to react by walking towards the main door to check the sound out (just like some stupid blonde checking out weird howling noises emitting from a dark alley in the movies)

As I was inching myself closer to the main door, I began to realize that the noise wasn’t originated from outside the door. It’s actually coming from my kitchen. That was when the whole situation started to get really spooky. What could actually be making that kind of weird noise ? Some alien with an erected plastic ruler dick crawling on the floor ? If yes, then how did it get into my kitchen ? There’s only one way to find out - get into the kitchen myself and see it with my own eyes.

As I’m quite a brave guy (I always felt that way each time I consume alcohol), I dashed boldly into the kitchen, switch on the lights and searched frantically. Nothing. The noise mysteriously ceased as well. No signs of break in … and there’s nothing suspicious inside the kitchen (except for a couple of dirty dishes which I’ve left during dinner time … which somebody should’ve washed. This is so unethical.)

Again, I was left dumbfounded … My mind began to churn out more ridiculous thoughts - Am I having an encounter with a poltergeist or something like that ? Or could it be that my alcohol intoxication has advanced to another level that makes me hallucinate with sound ? I took a seat back at my couch and munched more cookies to fuel my energy intensive quizzes.

Then… again… the noise returned. It continued for like 4 - 5 seconds or so … before “it” suddenly decided to head towards my direction. That’s right, I could hear the noise getting nearer and nearer and nearer … and I got freaked out. I had chicken skin goosebumps all over my body right to the tip of my toes … and embraced myself for the worst (I still didn’t see anything yet…everything was imaginary). I don’t know what am I supposed to expect at that particular moment - but to just shut my eyes tight as if a tidal wave of ectoplasm goo is heading my way to smack me on the face [insert your favorite suspense tune].

But nothing happened. The noise, instead, hovered right above where I was sitting and I can feel it’s evil influence all over me. Whatever that was hovering above my head, was sure has it’s message telephatically projected distinctly - that it is something not to be messed with. Something so evil … that one dares not to even think of God for fear that it would destroy the religion of mankind. Already submitting to it’s evil influence, I then attempted to muster some guts and courage to raise my head up, open up my eyes, and see “it” for one last time before I expire - what am I actually dealing with…. :

It was a fucking dragonfly fluttering it’s goddamn wings against the ceiling.