Archive for February, 2005

February 22, 2005

respawning boogers

I don’t know why, I keep having boogers inside my nose today. No matter how many times I pick them, they seem to keep respawning and reappear like hungry zombies. I took some of them out for close examination… and noticed that they’re kinda drier than usual, and a little bit greenish.

This is strange… as my boogers are never green in color. They’re usually grayish or sometimes white, but never green. [cue in frantic violin music crescendo in the background]

I tried to act cool about it, but from time to time, my nose would feel itchy… and before I could even realize anything, my fingers would automatically shove into my nostrils… and would dig vigorously as if there’s a stuck kitten inside my nasal duct. It was annoying, because it’s never fun to have an itchy nose everywhere you go.

Could this be some signs that I have some hidden illness that I might not realize? If yes, can somebody tell me what kind of illness that could cause boogers to respawn again and again? Are the aliens behind this?

Fuck, I hope everything will turn back to normal by tomorrow

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 20 Comments

in utero

I received another stray ICQ message (name was amended to protect the innocent):

cher : “hi…”

me : “hi”

You see, I was trying to sound like one of them there… to lure them into the trap…

cher : “where r u from…….”

*DOLT ALERT … DOLT ALERT*

me : “my mother’s uterus”

cher : “soli,i have 2go…….bye……”

My comment freaked her out so much that she misspelled “sorry” as “soli” … and “to” as the number “2”. What the fuck ! What is so scary about my mom’s uterus?? You should see her spleen!

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 12 Comments
February 21, 2005

discipline

Kids nowadays are so spoilt, that they don’t even know what is proper education anymore. See what do we have today, students carrying cellphones to school, demanding their sissy parents to pick them up at basically anywhere, complaining about teachers being rude, complaining this… complaining that … etc. It is as if justice is becoming extinct just like the dinosaurs.

Back in the 80’s and 90’s, do we get such opportunities to bitch about teachers being rude to us? Yeah, not before getting yourself a good double swing of that ‘yellow stick’ at your butt for being such a lame ass poop. School back then, was a true place to shape disciplined individuals… with scores of tough reminders to let us know what is right… and what is wrong. Not happy about it? SMACK. That’s what happens.

Unlike school teachers nowadays who would excessively worry about the exaggerated violence that could cause emotional wreck to those young motherfuckers… that actually turns them into a deranged serial killer or something. Just look at the news today… like we’re seeing an improvement here. Girls getting raped, kids getting killed, students participating in organized crimes, teachers pummeling each other up… see for yourself.

During my days, school teachers used to be tough like prison wardens (except they don’t wear uniforms). They disciplined us with the help of a cane and a very wicked mind. Some of them even looked like pirates and of what resembled critters that crept out from the sewers (no shit). The very sight of them would make us feel uncomfortable… They were like members of a complex organization of government cum mafia under the same leadership – that only believed in one thing – discipline through violence.

Here, let me relive some of the ‘tough reminders’ that we had during my time… so that you young motherfuckers out would get a hint of TRUE DISCIPLINE :

Caning :
By far the most popular method to discipline students.
You sissy young fuckers probably do not know what’s a cane. A cane is a stick made of rattan that is commonly used to raze butts like yours to inflict a sharp stinging pain. Caning is a verb when a cane is used to whip an individual… in this case, a student. Leaves no permanent scarring but a temporary blemish that could last up to a few days.

It functions just like a baseball bat – except that it is more flexible, and instead of using it to hit a ball, it’s used to hit your ass. You get the idea. And since it is also light, it can be conveniently swung repeatedly to hit the target for best results. No message can be more articulate than a strong whack of a cane…

Physical torment :
Some teachers may be too lazy to work out their asses hard labor style to discipline their students. These type of teachers would probably opt for ‘physical torment’ disciplinary action against rogue students – where no weapons nor aggression is required.

The teacher would just order the target student to perform a series of hardcore exercise, eg: half-squat stance for an hour, 1000 squat-ups, etc. If a student fails or collapses halfway, the teacher would then top his fate up with some beating using a cane… or simply a hard kick on the ass. Leaves no permanent scarring but, would result in extreme muscle fatigue.

Ultimate palm solution
Also known as a ‘tight slap’. A simple flail of the palm towards the student’s face or back that generally produces a loud sound PIAKKK. Can be humiliating at the same time.

I remember that there were 2 known male teachers from my school that could bitchslap like a real bitch. Their slap was so hard that it could literally blacks one out temporarily. How could I not forget those painful moments? It definitely works. (it worked so well, that I would love to see those old bastards again and punch them in the face)

Pinches
Student would be called to the teacher’s desk, and asked to stand still. The teacher would then pinch the student’s thigh with his ultimate strength till the spot goes purple. Some teachers would even use their finger nails to add more spice to the effect. It’s fucking painful I assure you. Leaves a deep impression of bruise mark but is not permanent.

Blackboard duster :
Usually used when a student is not paying attention or dozing off in class.

It’s pretty easy to be administered, just require some marksmanship. The teacher would just need to aim and pitch the duster directly to the student’s face/head. Once hit, it would emit a cool puff of chalk dust effect. Not very painful I admit, but kind of humiliating to have a chalk duster ended up at your face in the presence of your laughing classmates.

Crowbar :
The big and tough metal rod to pry wooden boxes? That’s a crowbar. A teacher would bring one to school to intimidate the students. Usually, never have to use it – unless it’s getting too much. Teacher would rip off student’s pants and jam the entire piece of crowbar into the student’s ass. NOW THAT LEAVES PERMANENT SCARRING.

Alright, I made the last part up (if it’s not that obvious to you). Basically, that’s pretty much about it. Growing up in the 80’s as a kid wasn’t as easy as it is today… so, feel damn lucky already that you sissies weren’t born yesterday.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 40 Comments
February 20, 2005

reborn with a pair of horn

I finally installed a twin air horn. They are awesome. Driving has never been such a wonderful experience. It is as if I’ve been granted an assurance that I’ll never be bothered by tools and cretins alike ever again. That’s because I’m now aware that everything is at the discretion of my finger tips and that very button by the corner of my steering.

It gives me a boost in confidence on the road – just like a stoopy flat chested bitch that has gotten a new implant. And people are no longer indifferent to my presence on the road anymore… I can now walk roll with my head held up high, and no longer have to be afraid…

But then, I also fully understand, that with great powers, comes great responsibility. Risks and consequences that I might induce with my bestowed strength. I promise to the world, that in no circumstances should I ever blare my pair of horns at –

– frail old people. I shall only honk at those housewife with cauliflower hairstyle with body shape of an oil barrel.
– innocent kids playing by the roadside. Unless they’re accompanied by an aforesaid housewife with cauliflower hairstyle.
– stray animals. Except if they’re dogs or cats or anything accompanied by an oil barrel shaped housewife with cauliflower hairstyle.
– any motorized vehicles on 2 wheels from behind. I shall only honk them when they’re at my side.
– my neighbors to wake them up. Unless if I think they’re total assholes.

*evil grin*

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 16 Comments
February 19, 2005

spam mail

received an email today, which was sent through my php form…

email from floris alvaro Gonzalez.
User’s Agent: Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1) User’s IP: 195.166.237.40
Content:
Attn:mr micheal ooi
I am Mr. Floris Alvaro Gonzalez the Deputy Managing Director Of Banco Pueyo here in Spain.
I was the accounting officer of late Mr. John ooi a national of your country, who was a contractor here in Spain. On the 21st of April 2000, my client, his wife and their only son were involved in a car accident along Avenida Diagonal. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the assets and huge Capital of funds left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the share holders of this bank ,so that they can share his funds as dividends amongst themselves. The said Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days. Because as at the time of his demise I was his accounting officer ,but have since been promoted to the position of Deputy Managing Director, ever since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer. I have all necessary formation and legal documents needed to back you up for claim …. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. I am waiting to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

Mr. Floris Alvaro Gonzalez

*****

He “heard” from me alright… I actually replied his email.

i have only 3 words to say to you :

GO FUCK YOURSELF.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 21 Comments