I was at Emily’s hometown last night for the Jade Emperor celebration. The girls (Emily’s sisters etc) were busy preparing for the prayers and I was a proven disaster inside the kitchen. So, I did what I’m good at, sitting at the couch watching the TV.

I tried my best to enjoy every minute of it despite the sheer hot weather… but I couldn’t. That’s because I was surrounded by approximately half a dozen of boisterous little human called ‘kids’… and all of them were trying not to be as silent as anyone had hoped for. One minute, they were wrestling each other and the next, they were screaming spasmodically like lunatics.

But then, it was still ok for me, for they were just being very noisy and minding their own businesses… until one of them felt that it was cool to harass their lazy uncle (which is… yours truly) who seemed to be lacked of some life sitting around doing nothing. So, that nephew of mine (about 4 – 5 years of age) tried to spice up the situation by transforming himself into some superhero (which I presume was ‘ultraman’ from the way he gestured his recognizable zapping post) and stared at me with this serious look.

A look… that changed my heroic course forever… that told me I am his monster for that night… that told me that he intended to beat my ass up. You see, I have always been an ultraman all my life. I beat up other monster kids and stray animals alike. I have always been the protector of peace and never had I ever thought of quitting. But last night, I was forcefully abdicated from my superhero post, and unofficially made a villain cum monster by my nephew…

That little guy graced his fight with a chant of something unintelligible to me… and suddenly lunged forward without warning with his forefinger – which poked my left cheek (as I was seated and approximately the same height as he was). With a quick reflex, I retaliated by prodding him with a few finger pokes back into his face and rib cage, which sent the self proclaimed superhero cowering helplessly into a corner. It was an undeniable fact, that I was both equally good being an ultraman and a monster.

But my victory was short-lived, for there came another nephew ultraman that had been watching the whole deal at another corner like a hawk, ready to pounce on me to avenge for his fallen ultraman comrade (damn, it was kinda ironic isn’t it? Those bunch of ultramen’s uncle is actually a monster…)

This second ultraman was of even younger age (3 years old I think) and started out by sending in a lopsided flying kick. I grabbed hold of his flying puny leg, ridiculed him to try harder and let go. The process repeated for a few times until he finally lost his footing and landed on the floor… to which he then gave up. He was obviously not my match. That was when Emily picked him up and gave the little guy some encouragement.

“Come come, let’s beat uncle up…”

Kids, they’re always motivated with simple things like that… and you can never imagine how a simple instruction from a young girl (like this) would result an effect of such magnitude on those kiddy minds. The little guy, now being backed up by the rest of the half dozen members of the ultraman gang, started to surround where I was sitting. The next thing I knew after being surrounded, was that I was being beamed by a score of transparent laser zaps by that mob of ultramen. It was all chaos right there, you know, because they were all screaming while doing those stunts.

Being surrounded, zapped by so many zappers and exposed to such a massive amount of sound radiation, I had no choice but to give up. This was like David and Goliath situation – which in this situation I wasn’t really David. As I was lying helplessly like an impotent rag doll on a couch, fearing for the worst that has yet to happen (that is, those kids would suddenly think that it would be even more cool to mimic The Rock’s flying elbow maneuver). Then suddenly… by some means of miracle, all the zappings stopped abruptly by something that resembled a thunder clap.

The sound was so loud that it terrified the gang of ultramen and had them frozen still in terror. It was the yell of the hive queen of all monsters who hailed the name “HOUSEWIFE”. With a set of fiery eyes, carnivorous looking mouth, size as big as a mountain and armed with a light saber, she’s one foul creature that you would never want to mess with. (now, this is the killer of all irony, she’s actually the mother of 3 of those ultramen in that gang, and also my wife Emily’s sister – we’re all fucking related).

She was waving her light saber skankily like somebody had lost her mind, and with only one sweep, it graced the butt of almost all the ultramen. It was unbelievable.

“YOU ALL !! HAVEN’T I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO KEEP QUIET??? NOW GO SIT BY THAT CORNER!!!” she was pointing the light saber at the terrified ultramen while issuing that threat. In no time, all the half dozen of terrified ultramen scurried to that corner and sat servilely as decreed. A few threats later, only did the HOUSEWIFE get back to her busy chores, leaving myself pointing at the bunch of terrified ultramen and ridiculed them shit headed …

It was the day where evil triumphed over the good.