As I was capering happily away for lunch today, I saw an obese guy (whom I think must be a florist or something) came walking from the opposite direction into the building. He was carrying a bouquet of red roses that was flagrantly wrapped in some tacky glittering papers, and embellished with a big-ass colorful Valentines Day card.

That was when I remarked openly to my friends “Goddamn, do they really have to send it to the girls’ workplace ?”. Well, the fat guy just gave me a blank look while walking pass myself and my lunch members… as if he was scolding me from inside not to spoil the market … that he’s just earning a living by ripping off some idiot’s money.

Well, I’m cool about that. Being intellectually impaired enough to be ripped off on V-day, one’s gonna lose his money somewhere someday anyway. Might as well lose it buying something as stupid as themselves … it suits the main theme of stupidity.

Alright, back to the flowers, that bouquet was obviously meant for only 1 reason - for the girl to brandish to her co-workers… telling the whole office that she’s a “happening” chick because she got a frigging bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day. Woo hoo… big fucking deal.

But what if she happens to be your “favorite” asshole/bitch and was desperately whoring for attention at the same time ? That spells “golden opportunity” for creative individuals like us. We’re gonna ‘help’ her get all the attention she’ll ever hoped for. Here’s some professional ideas that I, the wise and friendly one, had plotted for your convenience …

The Flashy Box
First, get a pizza box (low height but flat). Then save some used condoms (save about 24 - 36 pcs). Get from friends if couldn’t save yourself. If impromptu, buy some from pharmacy and self inflate it (make sure to garnish it with artificial starch or wank into it). Tie up those ‘used’ condoms in the middle part in a flock, to look like a recycled handicraft flower.

Then get a big spring (or something similar), tie condom flower at one end and stick the other at the bottom of the pizza box — so that it’ll have that jack-in-the-box effect - open up box and BOINK … condom flower pops out. Then wrap pizza box with some bright fluorescent colored decorative paper. Done.

remarks : Key idea is to make sure everyone in that bitch’s office take notice of her Valentines Day “gift” (the flashy box)… and finally to surprise her black out with a jack-in-the-box used-condom-flower. She’s gonna be infamous if she opens it inside her office … and gonna get a stroke if she opens it at home.

(you may replace condom flower with basically anything … a jack-in-the-box boxing glove, or a simple electronic switch that would trigger a high decible orgasmic moan from some porn movies etc etc etc… pretty much depends on your creativity)

Love Letters
Buy a medium can of love letters (egg roll biscuit). Eat all of them. Or feed it to neighbors’ dogs, doesn’t matter (we don’t need the biscuits). Now you have a blank love letter can. Then get some sponges, or styrofoams. Cut them up into small pieces (approximately the size of a girl’s nipple will do) and fill the can 3 quarter full.

Then go to an aquarium shop, buy as much crickets as possible to fill up the remaining quarter of the love letter can. Remember to punch some holes around can (in less apparent areas) so that crickets can breathe. Send can along with a bouquet of flowers to bitch’s workplace.

remarks : Bitch sees flowers, bitch got flattered. Once flattered, bitch won’t feel suspicious about that can of bogus love letters. Sooner or later when she opens that can, cricket’s gonna jump all over the place and she’ll be under the spotlight in no time.

(if bitch’s your sworn enemy and you felt like being cruel, you may even mix the crickets with shit water… so that when the crickets hop all over the place, it would spread the shit soup evenly across the office. Or simply, replace the crickets with poisonous spiders…)

Lucky Pot
This is almost similar to “The Flashy Box” above, except it uses a normal box instead of a pizza box. Collect all your flyers, pamphlets and unwanted promotional coupons you occasionally get in your mailbox. Stuff them all into the box. Feel free to add in anything useless into the box - animal dungs, drunk pukes, pubic hair, your neighbor’s dog’s amputated dick, etc. Wrap box with bright fluorescent colored decorative paper. Send it to the bitch’s office with a message that you love her and enclosed in the box is some earthen artwork from Italy.

remarks : earthen artwork my ass. Self explanatory.

(works on any occasion except April fool’s day - which might arouse suspicion from the bitch)

Happy Rip-Off-A-Bloke’s Day.