Archive for February, 2005

February 28, 2005

I was a great teenager

Dumb/evil/obnoxious/eccentric/whatever things I did when I was a teenager (that I have yet to blog about):

– Pillion-lifted my cousin and sped at 60kph the first time I rode a motorcycle (my father’s old 70cc Honda). When I reached a dead end, I figured that the rickety bike didn’t have a good brake and I panicked. My quick witted cousin jumped off the bike… and I followed suit – just in time before the bike went into a big ass drain. The wind guard was completely wrecked but incredibly, nothing else was damaged. I later spent about 30 over minutes to tape up the broken pieces back together (to deceive my father) before I snuck home. He found out about the accident the next day and I got a good scolding from him.

– Turned to my desk partner that sat next to me and showed him my ripened zit. While he was looking at it, I immediately squeezed that zit … shooting the pus almost hitting him. He was quick enough (or was he just lucky?) to avert that “biological missile”. Else it would have been one hell of a story to tell.

– Excused myself out of the class (together with the bunch of BODs) during some of our boring lessons (eg. BM, Geography, History, etc) by bluffing the teacher that we’re going to the “book archive” store to help out arranging and repairing those government loan textbooks. But then, we weren’t actually “repairing” books there. We were organizing an illegal gambling den inside the store. It was a clandestine operation until one day, we were caught by a teacher who paid a surprise visit to the gambling den store. Since that teacher himself was some sort of a pussy, he actually let us go with only some verbal warning.

– Made a wheelie with my father’s brand new Kawasaki 150cc bike, apparently forgotten that I had a friend pillion riding behind my backseat. The wheelie went so high, that my friend slid down the damn bike … causing him to run on his feet to catch up. Realizing the boner, I quickly clamp back the clutch, causing the bike to lose power abruptly and had its front wheel crash back down again. Because that bike was kinda high at its rear … the touch down sort of made the hind seat to lift back up in such a force that it catapulted my friend up in the air for about half a feet … before landing down on the back seat again. It was hell of a goofy but awesome act … but my friend was totally unimpressed about the whole thing.

– Saw some movement of shadows coming from beneath our school toilet booth door. Figuring that nothing should be moving if someone were supposedly taking a dump, I suspected something amiss… and poured some water underneath the door, revealing a pool of reflection of some dude wanking inside the toilet booth. I then hooted out loud to that guy and sprinkled some water into the booth before fleeing.

– I opened up some bloke’s schoolbag and snuck a piece of rock (about the size of a full grown flowerhorn fish) into it. Without suspecting anything despite the addition of weight, the guy later took his bag and ascended the schoolbus.

– When I got my mountain bike at 13, I tried to emulate those x-treme bicycle tricks – especially the stoppie stunt (opposite of wheelie, which is rear wheel up by braking hard). Realizing the brakes weren’t giving enough force to jam up the front wheel for a good stoppie, I clutched the damn brake hard with BOTH my hands while doing a fast ride…. and of course, with 2 hands at one handle, I did not get myself a stoppie. I lost balance and crashed like a dork. That was very stupid indeed.

– I was playing “bruce lee” with a group of co-workers at Libra (my part-time work place during the holidays). Was doing the famous “big dragon swinging its tail” maneuver at my colleague Johnson … when the sandal I was wearing flew out from my foot and fell 4 storeys down the building into a narrow opening between adjacent block. My co-workers laughed so hard that it took them 20 minutes to regain back their composure to help me hoist up the sandal with a self made hook and line.

– folded some money effigy (goodies for the dead in Chinese superstition) and put it on my Libra colleague’s desk when he was away for lunch.

– Wrote some profanities or derogatory remarks on my fellow classmates’ chair (when they stood up) with a chalk in inversed form. When they sat on it, those markings would be imprinted on their green trousers … and everyone got to laugh at him.

– Spat at some Indian kids when my school bus began to move away from the bus station.

– Conspired to move a dead rat found inside my class into the schoolbag of a very annoying classmate which hailed the name “Kuprum Oksida”. (I was the lookout, while another Indian classmate of mine, “Raja Tetek”, was the one who moved the dead rat into his schoolbag). Kuprum Oksida brought the dead rat home and god knows what happened then. He never mentioned anything about the incident the next day.

– Conspired to piss into Kuprum Oksida’s schoolbag (again, I was the lookout and Raja Tetek did the pissing). Upon discovering that his books were wet, Kuprum Oksida went ballistic and shouted profanities at us for “pouring water into his bag”. He then took out all his piss-soaked books and dried it by spreading them flat on his desk (without realizing those were actually piss).

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 16 Comments
February 27, 2005

dream

I have been out from home from 7am till almost 7pm today – damn exhausted. I don’t even have enough energy to strangle a cat right now.

But then, I have something important to blog about before I crash. I don’t want to wake up forgetting all about it… So here it is :

Somehow, before the dream started, I had an impression that the whole thing’s about an Olympic event …

The dream unfolded in a dark musty room full of topless beefcakes… all of them were seen getting ready for a very stamina intensive competition. Wiggling their legs, performing warm ups… shits like that. It was no doubt a very important and happening event as I could hear crowds cheering from outside the room… Not just any lame ass number of crowds but at a magnitude comparable to Marilyn Manson’s concert.

The room layout looked very medieval… it had wooden benches, a wooden door and greenish mouldy walls (probably lacked of maintenance funds by the Olympic committee). As the view panned across the room, I also noticed that those beefcakes were wearing some sort of rags instead of Speedo or Nike tights like it was supposed to be… They didn’t don any jersey with numbers nor any special type of boots either. Just half naked with rags covering their dicks and teabags. Very strange.

Then suddenly, a bloke jumped out of nowhere and started yelling something unintelligible to those bunch of big framed guys. It went on for about a whole 5 minutes, and I couldn’t understand a word he said. I reckoned that it must be some sort of a briefing about rules/regulations there… but I might be wrong. (heck, it’s just a dream, fuck it off)

After the loud briefing, the guy started to distribute of what seemed to be a ‘U’ shaped piece of stainless steel device – with a diameter of a 20 cents coin (whole thing was about the size of a toilet seat cover) – to each and every one of them. Must be a tool of some kind for their important event – I guess.

Then the door swiveled wide open, and a beam of sunlight penetrated into the dark and musty atmosphere inside the room. Then, one of the beefcakes walked forward (surprisingly, the rest just continued to hang out there to relax) through the door… into the yard surrounded by a spiral platforms… the limelight of a thousand cheering spectators. He started to raise his hands and waved the ‘U’ shaped tool … only to agitate the crowds to cheer even louder. (very awesome sight)

After a brief session of ego flaunting action, the beefcake then paused to look across where he was standing. He saw some mammoth silhouette of 5 beasts overlooking him – an elephant, a polar bear, a hippo, a rhino and a camel – all of them stood in a line right next to each other. They weren’t giving a damn about the crowds nor anything at all. Just stood there as if nothing happened.

Now, the beefcake, he walked to the front of those animals… and pointed the U-shaped tool at their direction… paused for a second… and all of a sudden, waved the tool like a madman in the air and shouted out loudly. He would occasionally put down the U-shaped tool on the floor and lift both his clawed up hands in the air… trying to achieve a higher degree of intimidation.

Apparently, the objective of the event was to attempt to scare all the 5 animals back into their dens… by using nothing other than the U-shaped rod (why the U-shape? I don’t know) and his own bare hands. And if the person fails to achieve the objective, he will be penalized with a shot of arrow from each of the spectators.

Sure enough, I get to see that cool part in the dream. The beefcake somehow managed to scare off only the pussy elephant and the polar bear, but failed to even budge the remaining 3. The next thing I knew, were a thousand arrows raining down on that bummered beefcake, piercing every single part of his body overflowing with blood and gore… it was a splendid scene. Then, I heard someone yelled “Next !”

Weird but awesome dream.

*I hope this isn’t some kind of dream that would bring a hidden premonition message of something bad is about to happen soon…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 15 Comments
February 25, 2005

harlo

They come in droves. Another girl sent me an instant message yesterday …

goodgirl : “harlo how r u ?”

I tried to be nice this time…

me : “i am fine thank you”

goodgirl : “oooooo very good loh. what r u doing now ?”

I don’t know why she asked me that. Maybe she thought I might be doing something laborious like … washing my car? while still maintaining my ability to communicate with strangers on the internet through some shitty instant messaging program?

I decided to give her a downright honest reply.

me : “i am looking at my computer display now”

But somehow, she didn’t seem to get my message right…

goodgirl : “harlo r u here ?”

me : “yes… I am still looking at my computer display”

Well, she didn’t respond for almost a whole 2 hours… and then reappeared again:

goodgirl : “harlo”

Realizing that the conversation wasn’t going to work anyway, I devised a message to bail off from this meaningless conversation…

me : “this is an electronically generated message. The author is currently unavailable… please leave a message after the asterisk sign … he will get back to you when he’s back at his computer * ”

goodgirl : “ooooooo nice to meet u too bye bye”

Riiiiiiiiighhhht. [nods head slowly] Nice indeed.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 23 Comments
February 24, 2005

I was a great kid

Dumb/weird/obnoxious/eccentric/whatever things I did when I was a kid :

– Whiffed on my then schooling elder sister’s highlighter. Realized that it has this really unpleasant odor, I muttered to myself… why my sister is so fucking stupid to buy something that reeks so bad … while damaging the tip by stabbing it on the cold hard floor repeatedly … before I threw it away.

– Whiffed on my then schooling sister’s Chinese calligraphy ink (kids love to whiff… accept the fact already). The ink reeked like a dog’s spit… and it smelled so bad that I actually puked. I muttered to myself, again, that my sister has got to be the most stupid person in the world. Hell… she would even buy a piece of shit if she could find some use of it. I poured half bottle of her ink into the sink.

– Dug up my sister’s stash of beauty magazines… and painted all the models’ teeth in black sections to make them look like they have a few missing teeth. Some, I would even add mustaches and beards… and would laugh out loud in tears by myself.

– Stole my mom’s expensive cosmetics for experiments. Poured a large amount of powder and mixed it with her facial toner. Topped it off with crushed lipsticks, foundation cream, and whatever stuff I could find from the kitchen and finally made myself some really gross looking piece of semi solid blue colored dough. With that dough, I shaped it into a really cool looking (blue colored) skull… and brought it to school to show it to my friends. My friend PukeMachine was the only person impressed with it. If I could recall correctly, that skull finally ended up at some Indian kid’s face (or was it inside his schoolbag? I forgot). Had a great laugh after that.

– Pressed a stretch of doorbells in the neighborhood with my cousins and fled right to the end of the street to witness a cool effect of pissed off neighbors coming out simultaneously from their houses.

– Climbed up some trees inside a church compound (Holy Spirit of Greenlane) with my cousins and mimicked the tarzan yell. We were so noisy that the pastor (or was it the pastor’s bitch? I forgot) came out and chased us away. We later snuck back into the compound and vandalized the pastor’s car (I think it was an old Fiat or something). Also knocked on his quarter’s door and fled.

– Scoured some closed stalls in the nearby market (with a bunch of my childhood friends) and found an unlocked cache of soda drinks in one of the cabinets. Like pirates who found hidden treasures, we took the liberty to plunder a few bottles of Cokes and fled. Didn’t bother to look for a tool to remove the bottle cap, we simply broke off the bottle spout and poured the drink directly into our mouth… partially soaking our clothes wet. (kids, don’t ever do this at home or anywhere… you might seriously injure yourself! We were stupid.)

– Tortured my sister’s life sized rag doll by using it as my martial arts practice dummy. I practiced on how to give a good kick and also how to punch correctly with it.

– Spat into my sister’s schoolbag, drinking bottle, her hair (when she was sleeping) and her belongings. She never found out about it…

– I would often model someone’s face (that I hate) with plasticine, and perform all kinds of torture on that model. Like gouging the eyes out, or perform a cross section right in the middle of a model head… and stitch the gash up to look like the Frankenstein monster. It was fun.

– Climbed up onto my cupboard door and swung horizontally on its hinges. The hinges eventually gave way one day and the entire door was ripped out of the cupboard. Got some beating from my mom after that.

– Gave my neighbor’s little daughter some awkward haircut and shocked her mom flat out. The mother later came to me and told me it’s ‘not alright’ to cut someone’s hair. Yeah right, explain barbers and hairdressers. (I was only 7)

– Played with my uncle’s razor at his residence (my mom was doing confinement for his newborn). Since I had nothing to shave (no whiskers, no mustache, of course no pubic hair – I was only 8)… I took one of my own eyebrows out. I laughed like a mad fuck before worrying about explaining the missing brow to my mom. I later made up a story that I scratched my brow with a knife when I was peeling onions (when helping out with her chores)… and accidentally shaved the eyebrow off. She never found out about the truth.

Will add more next time.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 27 Comments
February 23, 2005

the special staircase

You see, my ex-factory (same company, different factory) had this really long staircase near the office area. It was a very special staircase – which I didn’t know when I first joined the company. Everyone seemed to love it for reasons unknown (then) to me. My colleagues especially. Although our office cubicles were situated kind of far from that staircase, the engineers in my workgroup would always meander across the big ass office floor, just to use this staircase.

And what more? This long staircase actually led to the Human Resource department, where there were a few HR bitches that would glower at any passerby’s as if everyone owed them money. And from the HR office, there were only 3 routes to exit the cursed area – a route through the lobby, another through the production floor and the third one through a maze of corridors that would eventually fuse back further down the production floor. All of the routes required a scanned access through electronically locked doors – heaps of hassle if you were to ask me.

So, unless one has some business to deal with those HR bitches… or the intention to access the production floor, this staircase shouldn’t be an ideal way to travel out of the building. But ironically, that wasn’t the case. My colleagues? They would use that staircase to go for lunch, to go for their tea breaks and to go home. It was their favorite staircase. And it got me thinking – why do these bastards like this goddamn staircase so much? Why risk their lives wandering near those ferocious bitches? Why all the hassles when they can use the other staircase that directs them straight out of the building? I found out soon one day, a few weeks down the job – the ‘not so nice way’.

That fateful moment, I was walking down this staircase heading to the production floor, when I noticed that SlutSlut was walking up from below. Now, a little bit about SlutSlut before I proceed … she’s actually a clerk in her late 20’s (back then) that was infamous of her scanty sense of fashion and ridiculous short miniskirts. She has an adequately proportional body figure… but her face’s a big failure. Looking at her face would remind me of those half-bred baboons with a horse gum set of teeth. She’s the ‘cover the face, fire the base’ type. Oh yeah.

Alright, back to that day, so I was descending the upper half of this really long staircase (there were 2 flights of stairs facing the opposite direction – refer illustration on the left), while she was ascending the lower half… until we walked pass each other at the middle ledge and continued our way. That was when I noticed that she was wearing this relatively short skirt and I was thinking deep inside “Wow, I could actually see her tushy on my way down…”

Sure enough… out of my male instincts, I conveniently tilted my head upwards about 30 degrees (when descending that lower half of the staircase), and rolled my eyeballs 60 degrees higher… then WHAM ! I saw it all. Her pantyhose. Her underwear. And something extra – lodged in between her legs.

I didn’t know what the hell was that ‘thing’ so, I tilted my head higher to take a more careful study – and finally realized that it was a sanitary pad. With wings. It was shockingly agitating and totally unexpected. I’ve seen sanitary pads before, but only when they’re harmlessly idling on the shelves of some departmental stores. Never had I seen a live one in action sucking blood from a bleeding beaver. You can imagine the amount of damage inflicted on an immaculate mind of an innocent 21 year old bloke.

That was how I found out about the infamous ‘upskirt staircase’… in my own traumatic way.

You see, this staircase was situated at a location that was known to have a myriad supply of pretty young girls (upstairs). And it was the only staircase that has an entirely clear view to the outside through a big plane of tempered glass panel. That was why that area was kinda bright – because of the external sunlight.

So, with all that naturally light, strategic design and a plethora of resources… it becomes everyone’s favorite staircase.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 24 Comments