Archive for January, 2005

January 7, 2005

social misperception

Elbee : “You know, there’s a piece of news some time back about a middle aged lady got mauled by a tiger while she was posing for a photograph with it. Damn scary I tell you.. bla bla bla …”

Me : “What do you expect dude? That’s a wild animal you’re talking about… they have no moral values. They don’t help old people to cross the road… or give up their seat to an expecting mother…”

Elbee : “Yeah, I know, but why would the tiger attack that woman all of a sudden? It’s a trained animal and was supposed to be content…”

Me : “I’m not surprised. If I’m that tiger, I would definitely bite all the housewives I happen to meet… And all those blonde ah bengs, noisy kids, and girls with armpit hairs…”

Elbee : “Ahaks! I thought you’re gonna attack all the pretty girls …”

Me : “Attack pretty girls ? Why would I want to do that ? I’m gonna mount on top of them and perform some tigersutra stunt”

Denizens of Earth, wake up already. A tiger being caged in a zoo, is akin to imprisoning some savage dude in a confined space in a police lock up. No one would ever be too pleased to have limited freedom like this. That’s why they’re so pissed and psychologically unstable. They belong to the savannah and open fields, not inside a metal cage or in front of a Polaroid camera beside some stinking old lady.

To me, there’s no difference between a zoo and a prison (except you get more annoying kid and housewife visitors in a zoo, which is much worse than a prison). That’s why, I never liked zoos. What’s so interesting about watching a whole menagerie of caged animals without freedom? Unless you have the fetish of whiffing the pungent odor of animal waste.

A zoo is a big sad place. I think we humans have to learn more about respecting other living creatures on this planet.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
January 6, 2005

GOC – a night in Melaka

*happened approx. 2 weeks ago in Melaka

We were looking for a place to party after our dinner and after a few rounds of illegal u-turns and spasmodic yank of steering at alien junctions, we finally managed to spot a pub… club… whatever, that looked kinda promising. You know, young people in adequately revealing dress code and all that. Not a very big place but, it was good enough for dicking some dogs.

After we parked our vehicles, we then congregated at the pub entrance (there were 10 of us). Our group kinda attracted a lot of attention from the pub patrons… disdainfully. We’re like a bevy of chickens who got lost inside a duck farm.

Well, that was because we dressed very differently that night. No, we didn’t wear ‘see throughs’ or reveal our butt cracks. We actually wore bermudas and flip-flop sandals into the pub. It was a long story on why we did that, just, for the sake of keeping this entry in a reasonable length, let’s assume we’re doing some revolution in the Malaysian fashion scene.

Alright, we then lumbered into the premise like a bunch of communist rebels that had just descended from a nearby forest, and settled on 2 tables smack dab in the busiest section of the pub. About a good 20 minutes later, a group of 6 young college chicks settled on the table next to ours.

3 out of the 6 chicks were rejects… so, let’s not mention about them. 2 of them were cute and the final one, which seemed to be the leader of the pack (a yuppy class female) – was a total knock out. Tall, bright eyed and with a porn star body cut. She was wearing this… black bareback… thingy, that only had this 2 pieces of loose fabric covering her set of dainty rack… it was really hard to describe but, it was sexy enough to give us guys a hard on.

From the moment she walked in, nobody cared about our flip-flop attires anymore. Everyone was focusing on that scantily clad bombshell. There was one particular moment when she even stooped down so low, that we could see her tits from the side of the loose fabric — no nipples visible though, because she had them covered with some kind of latex cup I think (don’t know what those are called). But then, it was provocative enough to make us go ga-ga mad.

Meanwhile, the another 2 cute girls, didn’t seem to be impressed with all the attention the pack leader got. They desperately tried to win some attention around by dancing skankily. One of them was especially desperate. It was heck of a funny sight. Let me explain how she did it :

Her legs bent in a half-squat pose, her body stiffen up straight, and sway rapidly to the front and back. If you remove her clothing and cover up the pub scene, one might mistaken her as trying to dry hump a cow.
Her skanky dance seemed to transcend beyond the type of music being played. She’d dance the same to all types of music, rain or shine (boring… snore)

The other girl, would just flail her arms around as if she was having some kind of a seizure. Her friends had to keep an offset distance from her – because if they don’t, they’re gonna get hurt seriously by her randomly flailing hands. It was an unbelievable sight – we get to see boobies, hump dance and someone having a seizure… all at the same time.

I almost choked from laughing too hard when I saw Ronnie trying to mimic the hump dance (deliberately done to antagonize the attention seeking bitch) – which he did it like doggies having sex. I swear the girls actually saw what he did and gave him a derisive look. That was when I decided to follow suit and we laughed ourselves stupid.

I guess those girls must have felt really pissed with us ridiculing their funny shits using our body language, to which they responded by moving to another table deeper into the floor.

Things people do just for attention.

michaelooi  | rompings  | 11 Comments
January 5, 2005

tidbits

*I’m tired and exhausted. Don’t even have the energy to scratch my balls (trust me, all guys scratches their balls, it’s not disgusting)…

****

I messaged the word ‘fuck’ to my ex-gf today, and she replied with an exclamation why would I say such a nasty word to her (she actually quoted the word ‘scold’). This was the first time (in 15 years) she heard me utter that word.

How bizarre. Now, what’s so wrong with that word ?

****

I was at the ward the other day, when a bassy male voice quipped from the other side of the curtain about some tsunami shit. Then a female voice (housewife I reckoned) replied … “Is that some kind of Japanese raw fish?”

I almost died suppressing myself from laughing. (no offense to the tsunami victims though)

****

A colleague told me this morning that Arabian blokes would get sexually aroused when they see hairs… and that’s the reason why Arabian girls wear the burkhas.

I then challenged him – if what he said is true, then why don’t we see the Arabs mating with monkeys?

The colleague retorted that’s because there aren’t any monkey in deserts.

I then told him – ‘explain camels’. He went quiet after that.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 15 Comments
January 4, 2005

random conversation

My ICQ blinked … somebody by the name ‘vivian’ messaged …

vivian : “hi”

heavenly [my androgynous nick in ICQ] : “hello”

vivian : “how r u ??”

heavenly : “i’m fine thank you.”

vivian : “ok, where u from??”

heavenly : “I am from earth”

vivian : “ic me too. u are not space man is ok laio. Haha :-P introduce lah”

heavenly : “oh .. ok … my name is Abdrahar Adigun. I’m the president of the South African Bank. I have 30 million in a swiss bank which i want to share with you.”

vivian : “no need lie. u actually dun want make true fren with me mah. I hate ppl lie one”

heavenly : “ok … why don’t you try to click my ICQ stats button ?”

vivian : “i lazy mah”

heavenly : “so, you want me to be honest ?”

vivian : “ya lah. me also never lie ppl one. trust each other is good :-) ”

heavenly : “ok , i only fancy girls who has big tits and nice ass … with a complementary matching waist. Face must be good looking too … so… you get the idea”

vivian : “dun want talk with u laio lah. so sad get a fren like u :-( ”

heavenly : “look ,… i’m just being honest, bitch. i thought you said you liked someone who’s honest …you lied”

vivian : “where got”

heavenly : “well, i ain’t gonna explain that. check the history yourself… and decipher what i’ve said.”

vivian : “:-) ok lor”

heavenly : “what you’re gonna do ?”

vivian : “check mail”

heavenly : “i’m asking ‘what you’re gonna do’ … not what are you doing”

vivian : “sorry dun know”

She’s probably Panda’s best friend. Or twin sister.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 15 Comments
January 3, 2005

situation

*disclaimer : the entry below encompasses a very intellect demanding riddle/quiz, may cause extreme fatigue of the mind if not being handled properly, pls read at your own discretion.

A situation to study :

You parked your car into a parking lot. Before you leave, you checked if everything was ok – car was perfectly parked within the lot markings and did not jut over to the adjacent lot. Great.

You went ahead with your plan… and a couple of hours later, you came back to discover a maroon colored Honda City (yes, the flowerhorn fish shaped car…) parked out of its parking lot boundary and was VERY close (approximately 15 cm away) from your car.

You then inspected your car, and discovered a fresh dent mark on your door, the side that was facing the maroon colored car – which also, matched perfectly to the swiveling radius of the Honda City’s door. What more, you could even see some hint of maroon colored paint right at the center of the dent mark, which made you suspected, that the dent mark was induced by that Honda City’s door.

What would you do next? Please pick your best answer and elaborate why.

A) Do nothing about it and leave.
B) Wait till the owner appears and confront him/her.
C) Wait till the owner appears and beat him/her up.
D) Retaliate by scratching the Honda City’s driver door and move on.

And your best guess, which answer would I choose ? And why …

Your answer will be collected and tabulated for the national institute of statistical research aiming to provide better shelter for stray animals. Your contribution of answers will be very much appreciated.

*****

What I chose :

Before I reveal what I chose, let’s review the available options…

A) Do nothing about it and leave.
Obviously, I can’t do that. That’s because I cared for my black car like how Darth Vader cared for his black helmet. Keep it clean, shiny and all that. Seeing a dent on my car (even if it’s just on the door bumper strip), would stir an emotion comparable to a washing machine’s dry spin. So, I definitely must DO SOMETHING about it. Therefore, this option is void.

B) Wait till the owner appears and confront him/her.
I really would like get over this diplomatically… but then, I can’t. You see, the situation happened under the hot sun and it’s scorching 36 deg C right there. I was afraid I would have croaked myself of heat stroke before I’m able to utter a single profanity to the owner. The nearest shade was like, 200 meters away – not really a good distance to spot the owner. So, this option is really impossible.

C) Wait till the owner appears and beat him/her up.
Well, if you’re talking about a bicycle owner, no doubt I would have chosen this option… because usually a person who rides a bicycle would be either a kid, an old dude, or a housewife. Easy target… a punch or two should do the trick. But I’ll never know if the car owner is some beefcake loan shark that carries a gun. I don’t want to be popped a cap at. Besides, I’m an educated person and not a caveman. Violence doesn’t solve problems, only makes it worse. Hence, option C is out of the consideration.

D) Retaliate by scratching the Honda City’s driver door and move on.
This is the only option available to me. Scratching the owner’s door gives me satisfaction and a chance of calling it an even game. No hostility, no ill will. Just a simple scratch on the car’s nice metallic door surface. Shouldn’t pose any hazard to any living organism on this planet and can be quickly done (because I’m also in a hurry to bring Emily’s lunch).

So, I took my car key (I’m whistling some jolly tune while doing this), and walked real close to the Honda City and ‘accidentally’ did something. Something that emits the noise KRRRAAAAAKKKK and some maroon stain on the tip of my car key. Something that no amount of polishing nor sandpapering would help to restore the former glory of the car’s door. Gone were its glossy days… and blame it on my car key.

But then, I felt a little bit regret of doing that. I should have given the car a dent instead… Served the fucker right for driving like a mule.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 38 Comments