Archive for January, 2005

January 21, 2005


Was cleaning up my place today when I found my old biology notes. Kinda dumbfucked myself when I saw my then infamous handwriting (which touted by my friends as ‘the handwriting that would shame and stun any girl in the universe’)

You be the judge, for I had scanned and uploaded it for your viewing convenience.

My writing has since changed a lot. What was used to be narrow and disciplined, has now changed to a wider with more defined curves. And I’m glad that I’m doing fine in life.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 18 Comments
January 20, 2005

bad elevator maintenance guy

A couple days ago, Emily alerted me with a nudge

Me : “Yes dear?”

Emily : “I went to your old neighborhood with your mom today and saw the bad elevator maintenance guy…”

I had no clue what she was talking about

Me : “The bad elevator maintenance guy you said?..” [scowls]

Emily : “Yes, the one who harassed you when you were little… your mom told me about it”

Her description was good enough to reminisce me of an incident when I was only 8 year old (that’s exactly 20 years ago) …

Me : “Oooooh… Ah Wong! Yeah yeah… I remember him!”

Emily : “… So ?…”

She looked at me in a way that was making me feel uncomfortable…

Me : “So what ?”

Emily : “… what actually happened back then ?”

Me : “I thought you said my mom told you everything?”

Emily : “She just said that guy harassed you…”

Me : “Yeah, he harassed me alright…”

She didn’t seem to be satisfied with my brief answer. She dug for more …

Emily : “I mean, HOW… did he… harass you?”

Me : “I don’t want to talk about it… ok?”

I was reluctant to share with her, because it was sort of a dark secret of mine, you know… which I’ve been lying to my mom for years. And I don’t wanna lie to Emily. But she’s getting all impatient about it…

Emily : “So… did he like, rape you in the butt or something?”

Me : “WHATTTT ?????????”

Emily : “I can understand if you don’t feel like answering that question…”

Me : “RAPE ME IN THE BUTT???? Hahah!!! That has got to be the funniest shit I’ve ever heard !!! Where did you get that idea?”

Emily : “You said he harassed you maa…”

Me : “He just pummeled me up… ok ?”

Emily : “ooooh…”

Me : “He pummeled me up because I kicked his ass… I was too atrocious as a kid. But mom didn’t know that because I told her that guy’s cracked in the head and he biffed me up in the elevator for no reason. And she went ahead to give him the nastiest housewife lecture a bloke could ever get in his life. But it was all my own fault. That’s WHAT happened.”

Emily : “ehehehh.. ok ok … I misunderstood the message…”

Ah Wong was a 6 ft tall elevator maintenance guy who loved to play around with kids. He was usually found hanging out at our ghetto apartment lobby. On that fateful day, he teased me the way that he shouldn’t have, right when I was just walking past the lobby. I responded by directly sending him a flying kick on his ass (coupled with Bruce Lee’s signature cockroach yell – KACHAAAAT). That’s when he got really aggravated and started to chase me… and we somehow ended up inside the elevator. I was then trapped with raging Ah Wong inside an elevator…

An 8 yrs old versus a 6 ft tall 30 year old bloke… you do the math who sustained the maximum boner there. I went crying home with some real nasty bruises and told my mom about it. That’s what actually happened.

Ah Wong, if you’re reading this, sorry for framing you that day. I did that because I think you’re such a pussy for not being able to take a kick like how real man would. I hope we learnt our lesson through the years, forget about the bitter past and move on with our lives. But then, if you insist of having a rematch of free sparring, feel free to let me know, for I missed kicking your ass.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 10 Comments
January 19, 2005

behind the veil

I saw this documentary on Discovery channel about the post Taliban era in Afghanistan. It’s about the women there… you know, how their life fared after spending years in torment under the iron claws of Taliban.

It started out with a few pannings of here and there, followed by some introduction shits. Then, it began with a serious narration about how Afghan girls wanted a big change, a big revolution and wanted to so vehemently embrace modernism. “Wow, some big deal” and decided to follow on that story to kill boredom.

Alright, guess what’s the modernization and big revolution thing that they talked about? Putting on make ups. I was like “Whatttt??”. Yeah, it’s hard to believe but very true. The first thing they do… after being liberated from a bunch of religious freaks… is to PUT ON MAKEUPS. Can you believe that ?

They even had their American counterparts to teach them how to do it. You know, train them all so seriously as if they were having some oh-so-important mission of sending someone to Mars.

“If you do not know how to present yourself, how are you gonna change the future? How would Afghanistan become a modern nation??” the double chinned American piece of saturated fat female would yell at the bunch clueless Afghan women. *shakes head in disbelief*

First of all, I do not know what ‘make ups’ have to do with modernization of a nation. As per my understanding, the Chinese and the Egyptians females have been painting their faces since BC, and that’s ANCIENT. If this is something that the Americans would deem as MODERN, then, what should we call the Chinese today? Space age?

Then, what next? Teaching them plastic surgery? To implant big fake boobies? To take dopes and getting laid by strangers? And with all the ‘beauties’ one can ever fabricate themselves, Afghanistan to have their own titty bars? And submit themselves to more social decadence?

Pardon me but, those faces that I see under the burkhas, are not just any rusted faces of a common ratfink. Those are pretty faces. Natural pretty faces. Make ups are just another form of veil, that clouds the ugly from the eyes of men. With those good looks, I felt that the Afghan women NEED NO MAKEUP. They look just as good as they already are, naturally.

They could have used their independence for some better purpose or goals. Like getting higher education, rights to vote, or perhaps training them to specialize in some skills (for those who is too old to go for education)… nursing, emergency relief skills, fire fighting skills, etc. Something that would be really good to help rebuilding their nation.

Americans…. Tiuuuuuuu….

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 20 Comments
January 18, 2005

how to piss your favorite asshole…

I’m very sure everyone has their own share of hatred towards the triads of assholes in their workplace… that seems to be inexplicably growing in number.

Be it the blimp that has the fowlest of body odor, or the pesky little bitch with fake English accent and a bad case of halitosis, these are the people that induce stress in our life… that make us unhappy… and are the true root of all our predicament(s).

Ok, then ask yourself, are you gonna let them continue to sink their sordid influences in your life ? And do nothing about it ? No fucking way ! But, what can you do ? You can’t kill them for sure, it’s gonna be messy. Can’t beat them up, might lose your job. Can’t scold them too – for it’s gonna paint yourself as an immoral creature in the office …

Well, then, worry not. Here’s what you can do, sabotage their PC. I’m very sure the following professional advices would make your target asshole a very busy individual for the next few hours, if not days :

Following procedures should be done in a complete stealth mode, as discreet as possible, in order not to arouse suspicion/confrontation from other assholes. Practice with discretion…

– get a big strong magnet. If possible, get those that has been ripped from a hard disk drive (or a big audio speaker). Walk over to the purported asshole’s PC (when he/she’s not around). Place the magnet as close as possible to his/her monitor screen for 5 seconds. Laugh. Leave quickly.
remarks : that monitor ain’t gonna show graphics in proportion ever again.

– go to the office earlier than any asshole. Go to asshole’s cube and switch off all power to PC. Then locate the power supply box of that PC (should be at the back of PC near the input socket of the power cord). Once located, look for the voltage selector switch (should be red or black in color with a printed “230V” on it). Use the tip of your pen to throw the switch into the opposite position to show “110”. Move PC back into original position. Laugh. Bail. If there’s no switch, abandon mission immediately. If could not find power supply, swallow mouse.
remarks : when asshole turns on PC, power supply will explode. Laugh again.

– trap a lizard. Tie up lizard’s hands and legs, make sure it cannot move freely. Go to asshole’s desk. Open up asshole’s PC cover (stealthily) and dump lizard into it. Close cover, laugh and leave. Can use other critters as well – mouse, bird, chicken, hyena, doesn’t matter. As long as it fits into PC.
remarks : lizard (or your pick of critter) will die from starvation. Aromatherapy ensues. Trick may not be ideal if asshole sits near your desk

– buy a tube of cheap starch glue. Go to asshole’s cubicle and empty the entire tube of glue into the crevice of asshole’s keyboard. Rid of empty glue tube to eliminate evidence. Observe asshole hitting a boner. Laugh. Glue can be replaced with other combination of viscous liquids like honey, condensed milk, semen (dries pretty quick), diarrhea discharge, chicken blood, etc.
remarks : asshole will find it difficult to use his/her keyboard.

Damn, my cough syrup is making me inebriated. Can’t think of more. *cough cough*

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 26 Comments
January 17, 2005

bitch parking

I went to the clinic again today because my fever recurred and I’ve been going through coughing hell at work. (long story). Anyway, I parked my car outside the clinic, and as usual, I checked my car if it was parked alright. And again, as usual, it was perfectly parked well within the lot. Then I went ahead to the clinic and got everything settled.

As I was walking back towards my car with Emily, suddenly, we saw a black shiny Toyota Altis (driven by a young lady) came zooming fast and shoved into a space right beside my car… in a slanted way where its rear bumper was almost touching mine. Really hard to describe it but, the illustration below should give you an idea :

The illustration is pretty much self explanatory — my car’s bigger than her’s, shinier than her’s, bla bla bla.

As you can see, that junk Altis was parked in a very awkward position that would make it difficult for me to get my car out (there was very limited space on the rear driveway). I do not know what was wrong with the young lady but somehow, she must have thought that the parking lot was suppose to be the ’45 degrees’ type, which, WAS NOT. Clipping a half smoked cigarette in between her fingers, a lady with an orang utan colored hair came out of her vehicle and looked around in an conceited manner… then took a puff on her cigarette. (Emily actually quoted “Damn, what a bitch !”)

And since I did not want to confront her for such a small matter as this (because she looked like a very nasty prostitute with very sharp finger nails), I pressed my remote to unlock my car to give her a hint that I’m going out. Well, it got her attention alright, as I could see that she actually took a study of her car’s position. But surprisingly, instead of moving her car, the lady nonchalantly sauntered away into a video store, with her car engine still left running.

I was like yelling out loud “What the fuck is wrong with that bitch??” I then walked over to her vehicle with an evil plot, but to my bewilderment, I discovered that there was an infant girl (2 – 3 years old) with an old lady inside her car…

WTF !? What kind of sick dolt that would smoke inside an enclosed car in presence of a geriatric and an infant?? If I were to be her husband, you can best guarantee that she’ll get some pelting from my leather belt for doing this… and shove a whole box of lighted cigarettes into her ass.

Well, seeing that there’s an infant and an old lady inside the car, I had no choice but to abort my intention of arsoning her brand new Altis. That damn bitch was sure lucky.

I managed to reverse out from the spot after a few wigglings… spat at the car with a big piece of greenish semi-gelatinous phlegm from my infectious lungs and left the place for good.

(If she doesn’t wash that phlegm off by tomorrow afternoon, that piece of green monster is gonna harden under the hot sun and taint her car’s paintwork – serves her right)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 23 Comments