Archive for January, 2005

January 26, 2005

ex neighbors

*this is a continuation from yesterday’s post about abominable neighbors. excuse my mistakes, this post was made in haste rushing for a favorite show on tv …

Like I’ve always lamented before, I’ve never met a neighbor whom I would consider as ‘normal’. Ne-the fucking-ver. I have moved for approximately 5 times before settling down at my present unit… and out of all the 6 places, there was only 1 place which I favored most. Anyway, let’s run a little bit of a history check against myself …

1977 – 1980 Georgetown, Penang :
I was born at Macalister Road and lived near that area with my paternal family. It was a pre-WWII shop house residential… and my neighbors were all low income bunch of Chinese folks. I couldn’t remember most of my days there, but much later in my prepuberty years (10 – 13 years old), I would spend a lot of my holidays living there with my grandma.

Alright, my left neighbor, was a shrilly voiced middle aged housewife sporting beet red dyed hair. But the problem’s not with her. It was her daughters. She’s got 2 of them, the elder one was much older than me, and the younger one was of my age. The younger daughter was an annoying fuck (her name’s Jackie, if I’m not mistaken). She inherited her shrill voice from her mom and put it into bad use. You know, being all noisy, shouting, crying and I swear that I had seen her flash her lacy brown colored underwear a few times. I mean, can you believe that?? That bitch was trying to corrupt my innocent thoughts by showing me her nasty beaver…(though it was covered)

Jackie also kept a pet cat, that distributed a fairly abundant amount of natural fertilizers across the corridor… (those old pre-WWII shop houses actually had a long stretch of shared corridor). Never liked Jackie and her stupid cat.

My right neighbor? Whole family always wearing pajamas. Never seen them in any other garments before. Apart from that, they were considered as normal…

1980 – 1983 Queenstown, Singapore :
My father was assigned as an expat there… and our family moved along.

Couldn’t remember most of my neighbors, but I remembered their kids (heck, as a kid myself, my only concern would be other kid mates…). I remembered Simon… my neighbor’s son about my age – whom I used to wallop with my plastic sword and then he would run crying like a pussy back to his apartment. And the next hour, he would always come back to play again.

Wouldn’t consider him as an abominable boy, but he could get really annoying sometimes. Like when I did something real evil… or taught him to do cool stuffs like burning something up, he would brag it all out in front of our parents… where I would get a healthy amount of spanking…

1983 – 1990 Rifle Range, Penang :
The infamous Rifle Range flats. High density, low cost, ghettoish residential that was the favorite amongst prostitutes, gangsters, hitmen, loansharks, retired soldiers … all in one small crowded place. It’s a long and very personal story on how our family ended up in such an seedy establishment … which I’m not gonna share.

This was the place I’m talkin’ about. The place that I favored most …

My left neighbor was a family of 7 (4 sons and a daughter) … all cramped into a 500 sq ft single roomed flat. Albeit a bit congested, the family was the friendliest lot I’ve ever met. Their parents would speak with mine … and the guys were awesome.

Whenever their parents are away, these 4 guys would crank up their self modified stereos and bombard the entire block of flat (and that’s how I learnt about Modern Talking). They would organize parties, and perform cool stunts that I would admire as a kid (they’re all very much older than I am).

Certainly was the happiest period of my life … (though by today’s standard, I would have labeled the guys as ‘hooligans’ for being so noisy…)

1990 – 1999 Air Itam, Penang
My mom bought a landed property and we moved to that place (as Rifle Range wasn’t really an ideal neighborhood for an already savage kid like me…)

That place was a nightmare. Right neighbor was a stinking old indian lady … and we’ve got fat mary (tuak pooi mary) and her psychotic mutt in front of the house.

Behind our house, lived a dysfunctional Malay family. The husband was a retired musician of sorts, who always spray paints his stupid guitar and motorcycle – where the mist/droplets would then drift over to our home … making our lungs healthier. And his wife? Was an obese 20 something years old, that would yell in and out of their home… you can imagine the commotion around my house. (update: I exclusively blogged about her here)

1999 – 2001 Greenlane, Penang
I moved in to live with Emily at a rented low-cost apartment after my family was hit with a domestic crisis. Mom had to sell the house for good.

Neighbors were all assholes. No brainers and were all lower than a piece of flattened shit on a paved road. They would vandalize everything they could find. The elevator, mailbox, gate, guards … anything. Every morning, we’d have to contend with surprises like a pool of urine on the elevator floor, or someone’s car getting wrecked by drunks the night before. My car was hit, scratched, dented, broken into … and even had a near shave with someone who committed suicide by jumping from the 8th floor.

It wasn’t long before I moved again.

2001 – 2003 Farlim, Penang
To Farlim. A slightly bigger apartment unit and less ghetto. It’s peaceful here.

But there was this fat fuck neighbor – who was mom’s colleague, that would always come over to our place and chat. I found him rather annoying as he would always ask me about my work stuff. I mean, who in their right mind would do that after office hours ? Tiuuuu….

2003 onwards, here.
I finally saved enough money to get my dream home. My own big ass apartment in a low density, pristine neighborhood.

But fuck, … who would have thought that educated people have their own ways of screwing up ?

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 16 Comments
January 25, 2005

around my block

I have weird neighbors . You be the judge if I’m right.

– top floor, lives an Indian couple with 2 obnoxious kids. Each morning, the 2 kids will hold the elevator to wait for their always-late mother. They will hold it for 5, 10, and sometimes more than 15 minutes. Because that’s the only elevator we have in our 3 storey low density apartment, nobody else gets to use it when the entire elevator is hijacked by those cretins.

– 2nd floor (my floor). A Chinese family that lives 2 doors away from mine. Each time their kids (2 of them) leave for school, there will always be one of them that forgot to bring the schoolbag. And the mom will shout from the corridor down to his kid that he/she ‘forgot the schoolbag again’, 7 o’clock in the morning – waking every single living organism up.

– 2nd floor again. Another Chinese family that lives 3 doors away from mine. The mom will drive her car to the porch, and honk for her kids to come down. 7.10 am in the morning – waking every single living organism up again (who is still trying to get some sleep after the 7 o’clock showdown).

– 1st floor. A rich Indian blimp family. Everything’s fat in his family. The maid, the wife, the kids, and they even own a Naza Ria (a big ass vehicle with no standard). The wife drives the big Naza Ria, and she’ll crash into anything near her. Just look at their neighbor’s car. I feel so goddamn lucky that I do not own a parking lot next to theirs’. I’ve blogged about him before.

– Ground floor. Indian family. The family’s ok, but the wife’s not. I’ve never seen that bitch wearing anything else than a batik pajamas. What is her problem? Her problem is, the fetish to wash her car only when someone else is parking their car in that lot. I think I’ve also blogged about this neighbor before…

– 2nd floor, an old codger that lives alone. Used to live with his son who loves to park at other neighbor’s parking space. The son has since moved to Australia a few months back. Known to be a sleazebag (from the way the fungus grew and the run-down look of his apartment unit), that codger once went out to play tennis and left a pot of still cooking instant noodles burning, and almost burnt down his apartment unit. Until now, he still remains the record holder as the first and only tenant that has had a fire incident.

– my colleague who lives next door. She used to be an ok lady, until we (my family) realize that she’s the moody type. You know, on a fine day, she could be as friendly as a kitten on estrogen fix. But occasionally, she would act cocky like a stripper who had just struck a lottery… who wouldn’t even reply a simple greeting.

Geez, somebody tell me this isn’t about me being an antisocial.

michaelooi  | characters  | 31 Comments
January 24, 2005

“big uncle”

*the story contains some religious description/details that may offend certain individual. Read with discretion.

The plot of this story took place at a ghetto apartment block a few years ago – where one of Emily’s haughty brother-in-law dwelled. A little background run : Emily’s BIL is one heck of a dolt. He’s the type of person that would bluff something out of nothing at all – like if you’re making up something like a cure for cancer, he’ll probably boast that he personally knew the guy who discovered that. Everyone hates him.

Alright, this contemptible schmuck? He has a brother… Let’s call his brother “Freddy” for convenience’ sake. Now Freddy, he’s a hobo that has no permanent job. Been a construction laborer before, but never made it far – because he was too lazy or something like that. He’s only known to be good at one thing. Being a religious medium.

How he obtained the skill? I don’t fucking know… but what I know is, Freddy managed to entice a lot of housewives to believe that he’s ‘the chosen one’ (weeeoooweeeoooweeooo) that the deities have… well… chosen … as the medium for them to shower their benevolence upon the believers… like prescribing magical cures for any incurable diseases or answer any questions pertaining the future/supernatural stuff.

By just using a few necessary/appropriate props, Freddy claims that he is able to possess himself with his chosen deity at will. For example, if he wants ‘The Beggar Monk’ deity (‘tsai kung’ in Cantonese) to possess his body, he’ll just need to prepare some stout and pork as offering (or something like that), chant a few mantras … wham ! Beggar Monk deity will be instantly downloaded into his body. Woo hoo …

That fateful night, it wasn’t ‘The Beggar Monk’ deity that invited. But another fearsome deity which came by the name ‘Big Uncle’ – known in Cantonese as ‘Tai Pak’… a deity that is known to be in charge of the dead souls and famous for his white robe/face, with a long tongue filled with opium paste, and a bad attitude. Coincidentally, I was in the area that night and Emily’s BIL proudly exclaimed to us that his brother Freddy, was going to ‘download’ ‘Big Uncle’ that night.

Well, I always wanted to witness myself about the magical stuff that Freddy had allegedly done in the past. You know, his ability to conjure away illness… bla bla bla. So, I got myself there that night with Emily. It was held inside a modified apartment unit, complete with props and all that. And I arrived just in time… just before the ceremony started. I saw Freddy was already there – got himself dressed in a white robe… and was spreading some white powder on his face.

I took a gaze on his face and let out a half suppressed snigger (I did not mean to disrespect but, it’s really darn funny to see him looking like a mime in a white robe). Freddy somehow took notice of my disdainful manner, and was giving me this uncomfortable pausing look. I quickly went back to my serious expression (like a believer) and he resumed to whatever he was doing…

But before I continue further, I would like to disclaim something first. Those who has known me for long, would probably know that I’m a non-believer… like most engineering guys – a libertine that only believes in scientific facts and porn stories. Well, I would get freaked out once a while over some spooky stories but, I wouldn’t go as far as believing that some magical tricks could miraculously cure somebody’s herpes. You get the idea.

Alright, let’s continue – Freddy then took position on a chair in front of an altar full of props/offerings. He then chanted something that was barely audible to anyone, and started to have a series of mind boggling spasmodic convulsions … *it was all silent at that moment because the deity’s suppose to arrive anytime*. Then suddenly, Freddy cackled out loud like an evil witch… and stood up from his seat. I did not know what was happening… but, I saw a couple of blokes (who appeared to be his assistant or something) came to his aid… bringing him a glass of stout and a lighted cigarette… to which, Freddy (now possessed), took a big swig of the alcoholic drink and a satisfying puff on the cigarette respectively. I was like “whoaa… this dude really knows how to party…” Emily – “SHhhhhhh!!”

As if it was not bizarre enough, Freddy then took one of the glass from the table, broke it, took one of the broken shards, and started to scrape his tongue with it. He then hawked his throat and spat a glob of bloody plegm on the floor and continued to puff the cigarette with an attitude. Then, the possessed Freddy bellowed out loud “I just came from Singapore. What do you guys want by summoning me??”. And one of the assistant, began to pacify his anger by speaking his language… that some housewives are in dire need of help, and they would appreciate his generosity… bla bla bla. And before long, he started his round of ‘spiritual consultation’.

During the session, I repeatedly sniggered when Freddy made a few awkward acts… like gargling with his stout and blowing rings of smoke with his ciggy. As I was blacklisted earlier on, he kept noticing me and my titters… you know, as if I was trying to blow his cover or something. But really, I hope I could.

I was thinking myself, if he’s really possessed by that deity ‘Big Uncle’ as claimed, wouldn’t he be able to read my mind like no shit at all? And hence I telepathically sent that ‘Big Uncle’ in proxy a few messages asking for a respond, but to my disappointment, there wasn’t any. So, I was very sure that Freddy wasn’t really possessed by a supreme being. He probably hypnotized himself to his (and everyone’s) expectations to achieve the result… and the ‘miraculous cures’ that his ‘patients’ experienced? Were probably a placebo or psychological effect.

Well, that was when I stop paying attention at his acts and started to preach my own jokes around my dark corner… triggering some laughter amongst the younger crowds. Freddy, was needless to say, wasn’t really happy about that – and I could see he was trying to hold himself from getting mad or something. I continued to create a nuisance… until Freddy suddenly snapped. He stopped whatever he was doing, and walked towards my direction. (Imagine a supposedly possessed dude in white robe and powdery white face, sticking out his tongue, walking directly towards you in pissed off expression).

I immediately got freaked out and got myself ready to bail. But even before I was able to get up on my feet to flee, Freddy was already in front of me, staring at me with a pissed off look. He then uttered “Look, if you do not believe in me, just don’t come, ok?”… and he walked nonchalantly back to his ‘desk’ with a satisfying look.

Well, what could I say? Freddy ‘Big Uncle’ was right… I shouldn’t have gone to that place if I do not believe in him in the first place. I was such a hypocrite. His statement was akin to the disclaimer inside this blog, ‘if you blog haters out there don’t like me or what I have written, just don’t fucking bother to come here at all.”

Certainly one of my most bizarre experience with a ‘higher being’…

I left the place right after what he said to me … and never bothered to attend any session like this anymore in my life.

lesson learnt : if you’re a non believer, fine. Just don’t condemn or show any disrespect. Even conmen have feelings too.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 16 Comments
January 23, 2005

problem solving guide

Having a problem with your personal computer? Don’t know what to do? Worry not! Let me help you with your problems! I hereby have prepared a remedy guide (in a convenient FAQ format) that specifically addresses the most common problems that a personal computer could ever encounter.

Case #1
Q : [Scream!!] “My computer suddenly locks up with a blue screen !! ! What should I do !?” [panic, panic, louder scream]
A : Worry not. You have a corrupted operating system. Just get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your Floppy Disk Drive (FDD). Power off your computer (PC) and boot from that diskette. Then, type following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

Case #2
Q : “I kept having annoying pop ups that says ‘Illegal Operation’. It’s annoying… [bitch bitch bitch]. What should I do ?”
A : My best guess, is that your operating system is corrupted. Do not worry. Just get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your FDD. Power off your PC and boot from that diskette. Then, type the following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

Case #3
Q : “My mouse button is not working ! I tried using the same mouse on another system, but it still wouldn’t work !”
A : Your mouse may have a technical issue. May need to change the mouse. But to be safe, let’s ensure your OS is clean. Get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your FDD. Power off your PC and boot from that diskette. Then, type the following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

Case #4
Q : “I kept having those annoying spammers randomly popping junk mails into my email account. What should I do ??”
A : Hmmmm… I’ve consulted several professional experts and we’ve all reached to a conclusion that you may have a corrupted OS. Get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your FDD. Power off your PC and boot from that diskette. Then, type the following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

Case #5
Q : “My mother in law forgot to flush the toilet again ! It’s stinking in there and I desperately needed to take a dump !”
A : Corrupted OS. [shakes head].. they’re everywhere. Don’t panic, just get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your FDD. Power off your PC and boot from that diskette. Then, type the following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

Case #6
Q : “My neighbor’s dog failed to sustain an erection during sex, agitated the bitch and got bit in the ear. What should the poor canine do?”
A : This is serious. But still within control, fortunately. Just … get a bootable diskette with command prompt and insert it into your FDD. Power off your PC and boot from that diskette. Then, type the following command into the command prompt (without quotes) – “Format C:/q/u”. Press “Y” key when prompted to proceed. Reinstall your OS.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 20 Comments
January 21, 2005

anatomy of a shower

I was exchanging some messages with an online female friend when suddenly, I felt really hot and decided to take a shower. I sent her a ‘be right back’ message telling her that I’m going for a shower.

Fast forward 10 minutes later, I was back online. My friend, surprised that I was back from taking a shower sooner than she expected, threw me a question

“eh …u mandi kerbau kah? so fast?”

Now, let’s stop for a moment here. What do you think should be the appropriate length of time for a guy to complete his shower? For me, obviously, 10 minutes is all it takes to get the whole operation done. Here’s the breakdown

taking off my clothes
— less than 5 seconds (it’s inherent in our guy chromosomes to be able to take off our clothes in haste)

splash of water (I actually use a scoop instead of shower)
— less than 5 seconds

shampooing
— not more than 20 seconds. (Come on, just squeeze a handfull of shampoo on your palm and lather. That’s not gonna take very long.)

conditioning
— 0 seconds. What conditioning? Can eat aa? (real men do not condition their hair …)

body washing (including face and teeth)
— not more than 2 minutes.

rinsing off
— less than 2 minutes. Just scoops of water from the head down.

drying up
— not more than 1 minute. Towel dry. Real men don’t dry their hair (esp with a hairdryer)…

dressing up
— 20 seconds the most. Just an underwear, a bermuda and a T-shirt. And sometimes when I want to get comfortable, minus the underwear.

Added up together would still take me less than 6 minutes. With some tolerance factor added in, offset another 2 minutes (that’s for pausing in front of the mirror looking for ripened hickeys, excavating boogers, flossing and other miscellaneous co-curricular activities)

That works out the 10 minutes shower. If there’s any reason for a guy to stay longer than 10 minutes in a shower — it would be that he’s actually choking his chicken inside (tar fei kei).

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 40 Comments