January 27, 2005

valentines day 2005

*girls, this is a “guy post”. Keep out.

The international “Rip-Off-a-Bloke” day is gonna be here again. 14th February, where simple gift items like chocolates, flowers and flamboyantly designed nylon soft toys would be tagged at a ridiculously dear price. Some people would refer this day as Valentines Day, but I would digress on recognizing it as the day to celebrate our love … because like I’ve said before, love should be celebrated everyday, not only on 14th February.

But, hell, since it’s already a tradition, there’s no way our girls are gonna let us go off the hook that easily. You can’t just expect them to dig some shallow verbal excuses and call off their once-a-year chance to pillage you. Bite the reality guys, and wake up. Might as well play along, wisely.

So, what should you get for your love on this coming “Rip-Off-a-Bloke” day ? Certainly not flowers or music boxes… that would be so cheap, cliché and so “last century” – a choice only ideal for those stereotypical dullards full of ripened zits with braces, and with no whatsoever other clues to impress their girlfriends. Certainly not to dine at the most popular restaurant in town … because you’ll always end up waiting for a few frustrating hours … along with a few hundreds of other pissed off couples in the same restaurant – who are also striving hard to put up some smilies in pretense of being in a jovial mood. (it’s a torture, we all know that).

Well then, why follow the crowd ? You can always try something out of the conventional ways … Do something special. If you haven’t got a clue what to do yet, worry not. For I, the wise and friendly one, have some suggestions for you.

Just…, before I go ahead with my tips, you’ll need to keep in mind that – Nothing’s free on Valentines Day. Unless you’re a total jerk and stingy beyond recognition, it is very likely that you’ll have to spend a large sum of money on that day. The key idea is to make good use of that spending. You ain’t paying for something which would bring no benefit to your own self … so, the tips I’m sharing here is basically to take care of that amenity

Alright, If you’ve not already read it, you may want to try the method I’ve previously suggested (last year)… or you may just contemplate some of these newer tips … (they’re all better than those stupid flowers and music boxes anyway)

Theme : Romantic
Stars can be awfully romantic at times. I don’t fucking know why but, girls seems to have an uncanny attraction to those floating hot burning gases in the vacuum space out there … and would often link it to romanticism and expensive wines. (damn, and why wouldn’t they consider a gas stove instead … it’s much nearer and can use it to cook something for us guys as well…)

Procedure :
Forget about the expensive wine and focus on the stars (they’re free for viewing). Buy a telescope or a binocular (as a gift). Settle down on a beach at night or at your apartment’s attic. Use the binocular/telescope to surf the night sky. Explain position of stars. Don’t have to know much about astrology… just some bullshitting will do. Eg : “Ooh.. that star is the Northern Light of The Hyena. It is named as such because it’s gas mass actually looked like a hyena’s head under high powered telescope …” [touch her hand and smile]

Pros: Post Valentines Day, can still use the telescope/binocular to spy your neighbor’s daughter opposite your apartment block.

Cons: If it rains that night, you’re screwed.

Theme : Cheeky/Naughty/Lusty/Humsup
There may be some of you out there that already have a strong and stable relationship … and prefer not to waste too much unnecessary effort in celebrating Valentines Day. Well then, just dive straight to the point — have sex.

Procedure :
Prior action, go get some DVD porn. Preferably, soft porn. Then, purchase a set of ultra sexy lingerie. If too chicken to buy it on your own, get your female colleague’s help. Never ask your mom or sister. Go back to your apartment … ask girlfriend to put on lingerie, and watch porn together. Have lots of sex.

*you may add more creativity by inviting some strippers or stray animals to join in. Or add in some equipments like whips, high voltage crocodile clips, hot waxes, crowbars, cattle prods, jaws of life … you get the idea. (you may buy anything except dildo/butt plugs. Buying a dildo/butt plug for your girl is a big mistake. It means you lack of self confidence. If you mistakenly bought it, get a refund. If you fail to get a refund, insert dildo/butt plug into your own rectum. Or kill yourself. Whichever appropriate.)

Pros: Low cost, high gain. DVD porn can be kept for future revision.

Cons: If your girl’s menstruating, you’re screwed.

Theme : Practical
If you have an adventurous/madcap girlfriend, then being romantic and humsup will not work on her. She needs something more exciting like an unforgettable adventure on that special night itself.

Procedure :
Buy a stun gun. Give it to your girl as Valentines Day gift. Drive around for a “stun adventure”. Eg:
– scour around the neighborhood, stun up your neighbors’ annoying dogs. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around the house, stun up some roaches and pests. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around the town, look for sex maniacs/flashers. Stun them up for good. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around night spots. Look for stinking Ah Bengs. (make sure he’s alone). ZZZAPP. Laugh.

Pros: Your girl’s going to love that stun gun. Good self defense tool, you’ll never get to worry about her in danger.

Cons: Madcap girlfriend may potentially use that stun gun on you in future relationship quarrels/brawls.

May the force be with you, my friends.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

36 Comments to “valentines day 2005”

  1. doc says:

    Theme : Breakup
    If you don’t love that hideous bitch anymore, Valentine’s day is the best day to fry her squid.

    Procedure :
    Bring her to expensive restaurant. Have candle light dinner. Eat fast fast. Tell her to excuse you to the men’s room. Bail the place. Call her and tell her good bye. Tell her to pay for the bill too. Make sure you never have to meet her irl again.

    Pros :
    Congratulations! You are single again.

    Cons :
    None.

    Okay okay… I go stand in the corner now.

  2. auyongtc says:

    That was how doc kena dumped on Valentine’s Day many moons back…

  3. maggot says:

    rent a great hotel room, order a lobster for 2, some grapes and a bottle of wine. dine in nude and experiment whatever both of you fantasizes all in the bath tub.

  4. Jason says:

    -ROTFLMAO-

    This year’s V-Day gonna save alot.lets opt for the 2nd or 3rd one instead :P

  5. michaelooi says:

    doc – you know, it is best to stay away from restaurants on Valentines Day … but your idea works on any other day.

    auyong – you flaming your own trollbuster member aa ?

    maggot – ooh, i thought you’re gonna say experiment in nude with that lobster … heheh … that’ll be the kinkiest shit one would ever experience …

    jason – save more money for a bigger car … that’s what every man should do. Quit wasting money on girls … they’ll come to you once you got that big car.

  6. hsin says:

    I agree with doc. The best day to break up is on V-day. Better yet, hire some trio to serenade to her while she’s sitting alone. Leave before they show up, therefore without paying or tipping them either.

  7. primroses says:

    Practical is good. Buy her a chocolate dildo.
    Pros: Practise. Mouth-fark it, suck it, lick it, eat it. *slurp*
    Cons: Chomp on it while it’s hard – before it turns soft. Can’t experiment anywhere else for fear of thrush. Can only use it once.

  8. jand says:

    “Cons: If your girl’s menstruating, you’re screwed.”
    Wasn’t that the whole point of the exercise? :)

    Another suggestion, on the night before, get her drunk or sleeping pills or whatever. Get her preoccupied for 24 hours so the whole V day thing has past.

    Or if you’re rich, keep flying westwards to evade time and by the time you’re back, it’s already another day.

  9. kimberlycun says:

    rip-off-a-bloke’s day? girls no need to buy for guys meh? i personally think v-day ought to be banned….like the stun gun idea though.

  10. michaelooi says:

    hsin – well, my opinion is completely the opposite. V day is the best day to hook a girl.

    primroses – damn … i didn’t know they’re modelling chocolates based on body parts nowadays. What next ? a chocolate bladder ? Spleen ? Pancreas ? That’ll be interesting.

    jand – if i can afford to fly around the globe to evade Valentines Day, I might as well buy her flowers and get myself some decent sleep.

    kim – Haiiiii mehhh … ? We all know you girls would just buy us guys a shitty tie or T-shirt and call it an awesome Valentines Day gift. Not ripped enough yet.

  11. elphinstone says:

    LOL!!!! maybe i will try suggestion #3 this year… lol!!! to all single ah bengs out there in penang: watch your back, don’t hang out at dark places alone and run for your lives when you see my car approaching!! *evil laughter*

  12. MunKit says:

    the lomantic one the best.. considering its almost none existent cost.. (made in china binoculars can be bought from the ahpek shop for RM9).. and the prospect of free voyage porn.. neighbour neighbour :pPPpPPppPp

  13. SouthernLight says:

    Buy her a one day women only spa voucher because she works so hard and is such an amazing wife bla bla bla. While she’s at the spa, you can go play golf, watch tv, anything you like and she might just reward you for being so ‘understanding’. You have the whole day to yourself AND be rewarded for it.

    It’s all about outwitting the enemy and getting their resources aka wild sex. Thanks to your disclaimer in this entry, no women will be reading this :P.

    You know how women like to gossip and such and everyone women wants their man to be better than the others hence to me I feel v-day is more like whos man is more romantic (in this case most ripped off). Just to meet society’s standard koz nobody wants to be the black sheep, its apparently uncool. We men just pay the price.

  14. fish fish says:

    Kekeke… Michael, so Emily came to u after u got ur big car? :P Very interesting to c how guys think the ways to celebrate for V-Day… with a final purpose.

  15. Din says:

    Urgh…V-day….might as well take MC and stay in bed with her *nurturing* you all day and night, plus you get to avoid all costs except for medicine….and be treated like a king! heheheh…

  16. michaelooi says:

    elphine – i didn’t know that you’re the “madcap” type …

    munkit – when you spy your neighbor, pls take the liberty to snap a few photos to share with your blogger friends… Ok ?

    southernlight – yeah, thank god the girls aren’t reading this. You know, i really loathed those girls that love to flaunt their flowers and teddy-fucking-bears in the office … Hello ? if you want attention, flaunt your tits lar … who wants to look at your teddy bear ??

    fish fish – when i was wooing Emily, i was just armed with a motorcycle. Don’t even have a car yet. Authentic love bebeh.

    Din – I’m already being treated like a king at home … ahaks…

  17. mdmafia says:

    Take her to an eat-all-you-can-steamboat.Takes forever to finish, and she’ll probably be too full to do any clubbing/shopping after that. :D

  18. Din says:

    mdmafia – it would also mean she won’t be able to have sex afterwards since she is too full lar…

  19. doc says:

    Din – Yeah… Too full to swallow anymore, kihkihkih.

  20. water_junk says:

    like the spa idea… then we can get into the labs n get some real work done

  21. jasdev says:

    MAUAHAHAHAAHA MIKE MAN you totally rule. If only I could really say and post those saucy pictures up without getting whacked one way or another. Your anonyimity kicks ass! And hey I like stargazing, bigtime. those 3stars in a line u always see is the orions’ belt and i usually go to the beach cos the waves and breeze really nice. And besides I always get to say “been there done that” when it comes to sex on the beach. Teluk Bahang beach somore:)

    seeing the global danger of this event- here are some steps you(men) can take
    1-dont take her panties off completely. In the backseat of a car legs can get locked and cramped that the panty might get stuck and wont come out and even go back up. If you really plan ahead, tell ur girl to wear a skirt and no panties.
    2)
    3)I like wine. They taste so much better than whiskey,most of are cheaper,serve in room temperature,and the best way to get drunk and it is really romantic
    4)Put that stupid your body is a wonderland song. I hate it cos its just a girl way of say youre hot but they like it. Some nice jazzy stuff would be nice too.
    5)Wear something which you can cover/pull up fast. When someone knocks on the car window, u wanna make it seem u were looking for your car keys.
    6)Take mints/chewing gum whatever when you start lickin wherever.By now the chewing gum shouldnt be in your mouth doofus.Its nice to revisit those breasts that taste like mint.
    7)When you finally hit the jackpot(most ASIAN girls wont)quickly change the music on the car stereo to Deftones, or Megadeth, or whatever and turn it LOUD. Its waaaay past the time for her to complain.
    8)Since its fun, get that glow in the dark condom so that you can guide the lightsabre to its final destination. Then youd be a true Jedi, my padawan. Master of the galaxy fit to have a princess with buns.
    9)this is a funny incident cos it was in my ex’es car and when I was about to cum, she put both her hands up and closed her eyes and screamed ‘DONT SHOOT’
    10) Girls, this Jedi is all yours on Valentines, or before it. Come my blog and email me :p

  22. Din says:

    Woah jasdev…I was admiring your story …..until you started self-marketing..heheh ;p

  23. jasdev says:

    No guts no glory, padawan boy.

  24. michaelooi says:

    mdmafia – good idea… but I’m afraid the guy might be too full to have any sexual activities later.

    din / doc – great minds think alike.

    water_junk – workaholic eh ? trust me, sex is way more fun.

    jasdev – wow… you sounded very experienced ..dude. But then, there’s a lot of muggers nowadays at night beaches … better rent a hotel lar… if sex’s the only agenda.

  25. Din says:

    Man…star wars fever definately on the rise…

  26. jasdev says:

    No not until very experienced la, average 20year old bloke. Mikeman, now youre getting me started on planning for Valentines. Youre way ahead of time mikeman:)

  27. L says:

    LOL! the stun gun thing is actually perfect for ANY occassion

  28. fish fish says:

    Smart ar u~ So that Emily would hug tight tight when u purposely made many sudden turns. Kekeke…

  29. cyber-red says:

    if Mrs Looi reads yur post i’d say blackmail; no sex for a month! hahhhhhhhhhhh…..

  30. michaelooi says:

    jasdev – that’s kinda experienced in asian standard .. ahaks…

    L – yeah, actually, all of them works on any occasion. Chinese New Year, Thaipusam, u name it.

    fish fish – I have no comment on that. eheheh

    cyber-red – Mrs Looi ? Who’s that ?

  31. BawangMerah says:

    Loved your post, even though Jasdev almost stole the limelight. Especially the pro and cons stuff. Heheheheh.

  32. water_junk says:

    no workaholic, was meant as a joke ;)

  33. Ju-Lian says:

    Waitaminute… is it possible to get hardcore sex toys like what you mentioned in your post here in Malaysia? Oi, mana ada…

  34. michaelooi says:

    Ju-Lian – haven’t seen any of them on sale in Malaysia. But I’ve seen plenty of them in the States. Perhaps you can tumpang someone to buy it for you …

  35. luckyone says:

    my bf and i doesnt celebrate valentines…
    it’s stupid, flowers and chocolates are expensive…
    we celebrate valentines during holiday…went up to cameroon and get 1 dozen of roses for rm12.. :P
    what’s the point of valentines day? just hate it :p

  36. Rachel says:

    Ummmmm im a gurl and guess what im here u sexist bastard

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