January 24, 2005

“big uncle”

*the story contains some religious description/details that may offend certain individual. Read with discretion.

The plot of this story took place at a ghetto apartment block a few years ago – where one of Emily’s haughty brother-in-law dwelled. A little background run : Emily’s BIL is one heck of a dolt. He’s the type of person that would bluff something out of nothing at all – like if you’re making up something like a cure for cancer, he’ll probably boast that he personally knew the guy who discovered that. Everyone hates him.

Alright, this contemptible schmuck? He has a brother… Let’s call his brother “Freddy” for convenience’ sake. Now Freddy, he’s a hobo that has no permanent job. Been a construction laborer before, but never made it far – because he was too lazy or something like that. He’s only known to be good at one thing. Being a religious medium.

How he obtained the skill? I don’t fucking know… but what I know is, Freddy managed to entice a lot of housewives to believe that he’s ‘the chosen one’ (weeeoooweeeoooweeooo) that the deities have… well… chosen … as the medium for them to shower their benevolence upon the believers… like prescribing magical cures for any incurable diseases or answer any questions pertaining the future/supernatural stuff.

By just using a few necessary/appropriate props, Freddy claims that he is able to possess himself with his chosen deity at will. For example, if he wants ‘The Beggar Monk’ deity (‘tsai kung’ in Cantonese) to possess his body, he’ll just need to prepare some stout and pork as offering (or something like that), chant a few mantras … wham ! Beggar Monk deity will be instantly downloaded into his body. Woo hoo …

That fateful night, it wasn’t ‘The Beggar Monk’ deity that invited. But another fearsome deity which came by the name ‘Big Uncle’ – known in Cantonese as ‘Tai Pak’… a deity that is known to be in charge of the dead souls and famous for his white robe/face, with a long tongue filled with opium paste, and a bad attitude. Coincidentally, I was in the area that night and Emily’s BIL proudly exclaimed to us that his brother Freddy, was going to ‘download’ ‘Big Uncle’ that night.

Well, I always wanted to witness myself about the magical stuff that Freddy had allegedly done in the past. You know, his ability to conjure away illness… bla bla bla. So, I got myself there that night with Emily. It was held inside a modified apartment unit, complete with props and all that. And I arrived just in time… just before the ceremony started. I saw Freddy was already there – got himself dressed in a white robe… and was spreading some white powder on his face.

I took a gaze on his face and let out a half suppressed snigger (I did not mean to disrespect but, it’s really darn funny to see him looking like a mime in a white robe). Freddy somehow took notice of my disdainful manner, and was giving me this uncomfortable pausing look. I quickly went back to my serious expression (like a believer) and he resumed to whatever he was doing…

But before I continue further, I would like to disclaim something first. Those who has known me for long, would probably know that I’m a non-believer… like most engineering guys – a libertine that only believes in scientific facts and porn stories. Well, I would get freaked out once a while over some spooky stories but, I wouldn’t go as far as believing that some magical tricks could miraculously cure somebody’s herpes. You get the idea.

Alright, let’s continue – Freddy then took position on a chair in front of an altar full of props/offerings. He then chanted something that was barely audible to anyone, and started to have a series of mind boggling spasmodic convulsions … *it was all silent at that moment because the deity’s suppose to arrive anytime*. Then suddenly, Freddy cackled out loud like an evil witch… and stood up from his seat. I did not know what was happening… but, I saw a couple of blokes (who appeared to be his assistant or something) came to his aid… bringing him a glass of stout and a lighted cigarette… to which, Freddy (now possessed), took a big swig of the alcoholic drink and a satisfying puff on the cigarette respectively. I was like “whoaa… this dude really knows how to party…” Emily – “SHhhhhhh!!”

As if it was not bizarre enough, Freddy then took one of the glass from the table, broke it, took one of the broken shards, and started to scrape his tongue with it. He then hawked his throat and spat a glob of bloody plegm on the floor and continued to puff the cigarette with an attitude. Then, the possessed Freddy bellowed out loud “I just came from Singapore. What do you guys want by summoning me??”. And one of the assistant, began to pacify his anger by speaking his language… that some housewives are in dire need of help, and they would appreciate his generosity… bla bla bla. And before long, he started his round of ‘spiritual consultation’.

During the session, I repeatedly sniggered when Freddy made a few awkward acts… like gargling with his stout and blowing rings of smoke with his ciggy. As I was blacklisted earlier on, he kept noticing me and my titters… you know, as if I was trying to blow his cover or something. But really, I hope I could.

I was thinking myself, if he’s really possessed by that deity ‘Big Uncle’ as claimed, wouldn’t he be able to read my mind like no shit at all? And hence I telepathically sent that ‘Big Uncle’ in proxy a few messages asking for a respond, but to my disappointment, there wasn’t any. So, I was very sure that Freddy wasn’t really possessed by a supreme being. He probably hypnotized himself to his (and everyone’s) expectations to achieve the result… and the ‘miraculous cures’ that his ‘patients’ experienced? Were probably a placebo or psychological effect.

Well, that was when I stop paying attention at his acts and started to preach my own jokes around my dark corner… triggering some laughter amongst the younger crowds. Freddy, was needless to say, wasn’t really happy about that – and I could see he was trying to hold himself from getting mad or something. I continued to create a nuisance… until Freddy suddenly snapped. He stopped whatever he was doing, and walked towards my direction. (Imagine a supposedly possessed dude in white robe and powdery white face, sticking out his tongue, walking directly towards you in pissed off expression).

I immediately got freaked out and got myself ready to bail. But even before I was able to get up on my feet to flee, Freddy was already in front of me, staring at me with a pissed off look. He then uttered “Look, if you do not believe in me, just don’t come, ok?”… and he walked nonchalantly back to his ‘desk’ with a satisfying look.

Well, what could I say? Freddy ‘Big Uncle’ was right… I shouldn’t have gone to that place if I do not believe in him in the first place. I was such a hypocrite. His statement was akin to the disclaimer inside this blog, ‘if you blog haters out there don’t like me or what I have written, just don’t fucking bother to come here at all.”

Certainly one of my most bizarre experience with a ‘higher being’…

I left the place right after what he said to me … and never bothered to attend any session like this anymore in my life.

lesson learnt : if you’re a non believer, fine. Just don’t condemn or show any disrespect. Even conmen have feelings too.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

16 Comments to ““big uncle””

  1. MunKit says:

    scary.. i wouldn’t risk my life like that even though i don’t quite believe in all this shit :P

  2. Jason says:

    I am not very sure bout all these,but I do believe they exist yet I never pray to them or whatever.Kind of neutral and free-thinker.Hehe!
    Nice sentence – “Even conmen has feelings” haha!
    I pity those kena con one!

  3. kimberlycun says:

    can’t call myself a believer, but won’t mock those stuff either….some fucker actually hypnotised my uncle into letting him into his house and performed some death defying stunts (hitting his chest with machete etc). when he left there were blood everywhere and uncle paid him RM500. spooky shit.

  4. lilian says:

    Aiyoh, these kind of tales, I got a lot lor. Gullible mah. Once, this stupid uncle went into trance and suppose to be able to have Guan Yin, Chek Kong and Lo chia kong talking through him. Cilaka, I was so desperate, I worship Guan Yin at home for a few year then, so I beg him for some answers. Cilaka, he said he is Guan Yin, curing disease (my baby) is not his department, he must summon the beggar god baru can. Shit marn, like gomen mya dept. That’s how I gave up on my previous religion. Because of conmens like them. But I still respect Guan Yin, ok? Don’t anyone bambu me, ok?

  5. elphinstone says:

    my friend always invite someone like that to her house also leh… that person will impersonate the monkey god… he will jump around waving his whip, chew on glass and use the blood to write talisman for her…

    scary shit…

  6. michaelooi says:

    munkit – risk your life ? yeah…don’t. Go to the doctor.

    jason / kim – yeah, spooky shit that science can’t explain. I’ve a lot of better stories but, this is a pure work of a conman. I learnt my lesson as well, never mock/condemn anything like this. Respect it as a tradition … even if you don’t believe in it.

    lilian – i would say, one shouldn’t 100% lean their belief into these stuffs… you know, always go to the doctor first. Some parents rely on witch doctors / saikongs in their way of life … which I think … isn’t really a wise thing to do (conmen are abundant nowadays)

    elphine – hahah… monkey god. You get to see a lot of funny stunts when a monkey god possesses a medium.

  7. k3ng says:

    at least freddy.. i mean ‘big uncle’ didnt go ‘fuck you mike! go away!’ … lol . hahahaha

  8. fish fish says:

    Kekeke… my mum the other way round. When she or my family go to a few docs, no heal… Then she will head to one of this. Even I dun quite agree with her action, but when realising how that can make her have more strength psychologically in facing the difficulty… I would just shut my mouth and try to be with her by the side only.

  9. strawroot says:

    but then do all these things exist actually? i heard in some cases it really happened. like my fren’s grandma sometimes will be posssessed by kuanyin when she is at home. i dont know how. she is not any religious medium though

  10. shanks says:

    after freddy-cum-big-uncle stopped his acting and said what he said to u, then everyone must know for a fact that he is acting, rite? even the believers should be at least smart enough to realize this. if they still “pong chan” him in the future, then these ppl are really buta.

  11. doc says:

    Dissociation, Depersonalization and Derealization. It’s a science.

  12. strawroot says:

    oh yeah mike i wanan say something else. i really like yr black color wallpaper, i subconsciously comb my hair each time when i read yr blog. i comb hair with my reflection on the monitor! thanks alot mike :D

  13. michaelooi says:

    k3ng – if he says that, no doubt i’m gonna punch him. hahah…

    fish fish – awww.. how sweet of you. Can you perhaps accompany to ofuro ? fewiiittt !

    strawroot – you could have just buy a mirror lah

    shanks – i don’t know, but somehow, he managed to act it all out so real, as if “big uncle” himself was talking to me. So… the housewives stayed on.

    doc – wah, very chim lah … kanneh.

  14. auyongtc says:

    My theory is always like this:

    It’s a whole fraternity of some sort. Only people within the circle (the mediums) know the inside out of the tricks that made up this profession. It’s like magicians, only the magicians in the guild knows the tricks and its deepest darkest secrets.

    This medium thingy, to me, uses a combination of psychology and religious fears to ensure that devotees keep coming back and spread the word about the effectiveness and how real the mediums are.

    One of my distant relative’s sister is one such medium, so I have various experiences at her house (half converted to a temple-like environment). Just that after all these years, I’m still not buying it – guess that’s just me :)

  15. vincent says:

    I think the key point here is that every religion is based on stories like that. Stories that give peope faith. Its the same as Jesus walking on water and healing people…I don’t believe in any of it, but if it gives people faith and they use that faith to do good things…then those stories (fake or not) do have a purpose.

  16. fish fish says:

    You sure you want to take the risk? I’m the opposite of your Kawashima Ayumi wor~ Kekeke…

    Btw, thanks for you lovely note. ;)

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