January 21, 2005

anatomy of a shower

I was exchanging some messages with an online female friend when suddenly, I felt really hot and decided to take a shower. I sent her a ‘be right back’ message telling her that I’m going for a shower.

Fast forward 10 minutes later, I was back online. My friend, surprised that I was back from taking a shower sooner than she expected, threw me a question

“eh …u mandi kerbau kah? so fast?”

Now, let’s stop for a moment here. What do you think should be the appropriate length of time for a guy to complete his shower? For me, obviously, 10 minutes is all it takes to get the whole operation done. Here’s the breakdown

taking off my clothes
— less than 5 seconds (it’s inherent in our guy chromosomes to be able to take off our clothes in haste)

splash of water (I actually use a scoop instead of shower)
— less than 5 seconds

shampooing
— not more than 20 seconds. (Come on, just squeeze a handfull of shampoo on your palm and lather. That’s not gonna take very long.)

conditioning
— 0 seconds. What conditioning? Can eat aa? (real men do not condition their hair …)

body washing (including face and teeth)
— not more than 2 minutes.

rinsing off
— less than 2 minutes. Just scoops of water from the head down.

drying up
— not more than 1 minute. Towel dry. Real men don’t dry their hair (esp with a hairdryer)…

dressing up
— 20 seconds the most. Just an underwear, a bermuda and a T-shirt. And sometimes when I want to get comfortable, minus the underwear.

Added up together would still take me less than 6 minutes. With some tolerance factor added in, offset another 2 minutes (that’s for pausing in front of the mirror looking for ripened hickeys, excavating boogers, flossing and other miscellaneous co-curricular activities)

That works out the 10 minutes shower. If there’s any reason for a guy to stay longer than 10 minutes in a shower — it would be that he’s actually choking his chicken inside (tar fei kei).

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

40 Comments to “anatomy of a shower”

  1. andycjw says:

    lol, choking the chicken, and i thought the ‘fei kei’ is aeroplane (in cantonese) instead of chicken all these years….

  2. shanks says:

    for me, no conditioning and no sponge, ten minutes, or less. with conditioning and sponge, twenty minutes, maybe less, depending on hair length. without the sponge, i feel rather not clean. i was taught to use a sponge since i was a kid, can’t help it.

    once, i bathed after diving without a sponge, i came out still feeling sticky all over.

  3. Jason says:

    10 minutes for guys memang standard or average.The fastest time for me to take a bath is less than 5 minute,just before my friend managed to reply me and I’m back chatting with him.Lolx…Ok,that was a little bit rush thou.;)
    I wonder what the girls do inside that take them 30 – 45 minute to bath,sum even strectch up to 1.5 hours.

  4. Jasdev says:

    whats choking the chicken?

    yeah i bathe about 10mins too, if wash hair 15, fastest about 5, else i just wash my face :)

  5. jasdev says:

    one more thing how to contact you mike? I thought i saw a email page lying around somewhere

  6. michaelooi says:

    andy – there are many ways of saying it.

    shanks – i don’t use sponges. coz i have an impression that sponges tend to pick up lots of bacterias. oh well, matter of preferrence i guess…

    jason – yeah, 45 minutes. I’d be soaked till wrinkled if I stay in shower for that long.

    jasdev – choking the chicken = wank. You know, self simulated sex … masturbate … jacking off ?

  7. Jr. says:

    HAhahahah, moment of truth—> i think the only time i took so long in the bathroom would be when i were to tar fei kei OR i use the BATH(which i rarely, coz i ain’t that posh ya!)

    BUt then again, why would guys need to be in the shower for so darn long? Gimme a break…you are wasting the water supply and inducing damage to the skin that’s soaking under the running shower….

    However, with that said…if a girl doesn’t understand, that’s because we don’t need to remove any make-ups; we do not need to deal with long hairs and conditioning them and etc.

  8. Din says:

    Wasting time inside a shower is a waste of water too. Who’s going to pay water bill? I think they usually take longer as they don’t pay for it….the husbands or the fathers do it.

  9. Jr. says:

    wahh, i think my visit to the bathroom for bathing will only exceed 10 mins if i were to tar fei kei OR to take the BATH(which i rarely do, coz i’m not that posh!)

    I go for shower instead…
    Mike described it so clearly that i have nothing much to add. Every line speaks the truth about real men way of bathing!

    Yes, that’s the way buddy. We really need to clarify this to those ladies out there. Cheers!

  10. Jr. says:

    lol…sorry for double posting. thought the first one failed to sent thru.

  11. PeNNyPupZ says:

    weeeee.. clean meh.. 6 mins of bathing.. hurrr..

    duno la i like guys who uses bath lilies :X cuz i do.. and.. guys who blow dries their hair.. conditioning is a must.. does it mean i like not-so-men men? eek

    but kinda alot of guys i’ve dated.. takes about 30 mins to take a bath.. longer aso got ;X

  12. primroses says:

    What’s the “choking the chicken” equivalent for females? I only know it’s either “chi moh” or “mo taufu” in cantonese.

    Some females hibernate in the shower:
    Whitening toothpaste – repeat if necessary
    Facial gel/foam – avoid eye area
    Body Salt – scrub for 10 mins for maximum effect (to remove toxins)
    Slimming shower gel – massage into skin for 10 mins. Concentrate on thighs, tummy or cellulite-prone areas
    Shampoo – build lather
    Creme conditioner – leave on for 10 mins. Hair ends only. Rinse thoroughly.
    Do not rub wet hair vigorously with towel. Pat dry.

    Females continue to dominate after the shower:
    Do not brush hair when wet. Detangle with fingers. Use wide tooth comb.
    Softener for face – soak cotton pad. Avoid eye area
    Eye gel/cream – Use tip of fingers. Gently pat
    Essence – Apply under usual skincare. Avoid eye contour
    Moisturiser – apply in circular motion. Avoid eye contour
    Repeat last 4 steps during day and top up with sunscreen

    SHEESH!!

  13. cyber-red says:

    I would spend 1.5 hours if i had a bath tub!!

  14. michaelooi says:

    jr. – yeah yeah … we don’t use makeups. that saves us a lot of time i guess.

    din – it’s not so much about the water bill (they’re kinda cheap anyway). it’s about the time wasted in the toilet lar. Do some calculation, how much time we spend inside the toilet in a lifetime ? you’ll be surprised dude.

    penny – teenagers are exempted lar. teenage guys wastes 50% of their time to do unnecessary stuffs like grooming and wanking. So …

    primroses – no lar. “mor toufu” is a description of 2 females having sex. For females, still the same term lor – masturbation. ahaks… explicit stuffs, kids… don’t do this at home.

    cyber – my apartment used to have a big bathtub. But i ordered it to be removed and install a big water tank. Bathtub sux lar … serial killers love to dismember corpses in a bathtub.

  15. Tutu says:

    Errr… I wash my face, condition my hair, shower plus shaving summore, also less than 10 minutes wor kekeke….

  16. ShaolinTiger says:

    I always get the same thing..

    ‘Mandi kerbrau ah?’

    Like what da fark, I go, I fling my clothes off, I wash my hair, wash myself, rinse off, dry myself and exit.

    Confirmed less than 10 minutes.

  17. PeNNyPupZ says:

    oh so wanking is unnecessary la? :X

    wee i’m a kid.. don’t do at home then do outside home laa ;p dUH ;p

  18. michaelooi says:

    tutu – wow… that’s fast for a girl.

    ST – yeah, taking off our clothes is the easiest part. Hell, I can even take off my clothes while unhooking a bra with just 1 hand. No shit…

    penny – some people wank because they can’t get enough of what they crave. So, whether or not it’s necessary, it really depends on your situation. But most of the time, it’s unnecessary … coz there’s simply too much time wasted on porns.

  19. PeNNyPupZ says:

    eh why pulak u gotta unhook the bra.. hahahaha so u were doin 2 ppl’s job at once.. hrrrrrr what was ‘she’ doing? :X

  20. michaelooi says:

    penny – these are adult stuffs that kiddies not supposed to know. And since you’ve overtly announced that you’re a kid, I’m sorry, I can’t tell you much about the bra thing.
    Wait till you grow up, and then I’ll tell you ok ? Kuai kuai.

  21. 100 says:

    Used to take short time bath but now my time increases. Cant help it with longer hair. Only once that I stayed in bathtub for hours…was sleeping inside. It’s a miracle that I didnt drown inside. :P

  22. uculer says:

    5 minutes if i’m late for class. washing my face, brushing teeth, shower gel all in the shower.

    it’ll take longer if i dun have class.

  23. fish fish says:

    Here’s what fish fish observed for the Japanese ladies taking bath. (Half of them).

    1. Take off cloth. 1 min.
    2. Measure weight. Repeat for 3 times, make sure the weighing machine no ‘shot’. 30 sec.
    3. Taking a bath throughly.
    Wash hair. 10 min.
    Wash face. 5 min.
    Wash body using gel first, then foam bath. All must with a body towel rubbing here here, there there. 15 min.
    Brush teeth. 2 min.
    Shave legs and armpits. 2 min.
    4. Go to soak inside ofuro. 10 min.
    5. Shock in 4 degree cold water. 30 seconds.
    6. Repeat steps 2 & 3 2 more times.
    7. Start to clean up body for final time. 3 min.
    8. Dry up body. 2 min.
    9. It she has big boobs, will do massage on boobs in front of the mirror. 5 min.
    10. Dry hair. 15min.
    11. Wear cloth. 2 min.
    12. Make up. 10-20min. Depending what kind of make up.
    13. Ready for a dating. :P

    Fish Fish finish everything in 10min without hair washing. When need to wash hair, take 1hr. Kekeke…

  24. michaelooi says:

    oooooo… japanese girl. if i were to bathe her, it will take hours and hours and hours …

    boob kneading/massage alone would take me at least 30 minutes per boob..

    oooooooo….

  25. Din says:

    ooooooooo…japanese girls…..oooooo….droooool…..

  26. jand says:

    hours and hours? 30min per boob??
    you milking a japanese cow ah?

    ;D

  27. cyber-red says:

    micheal: I remembered as a kid I used to think I had a swimming pool. It was black, squarish and deep. It was actually the water tank up the roof wan. heh… you’ve been watching one too many Psycho films eh..

  28. michaelooi says:

    cyber-red – that’s not psychotic, ok ? give a nekkid japanese girl to any guy in a toilet, and they’ll do the same thing. Dun believe me ? ask the guys lor …

    guys, i need your input please …

  29. yaya says:

    haha nice one…have always wondered how my guy frens could have it all done in less than 10 mins!! hehe for me, every part of the bathin art must have its second round…heehee i’m weird, i know..

  30. auyongtc says:

    shower alone = 5 to 10 mins…
    shower with a girl = 45 mins to, uhm, erm, err, lost count liao… *paiseh*

  31. doc says:

    Give me Momoko Kikuchi (the 10 years back version lar) and I’ll shower till my skin drops off.

  32. Din says:

    Me? If given the chance? Obviously will help nekkid jap girl cleanse herself throughly.

  33. wajamie says:

    Re : real man don’t condition hair or blow dry hair ? real man not much hair issit ?

    dun choke chicken.. say lar make hand shandy..

  34. fish fish says:

    Kekeke… what a feed back. Hey, I’m curious to know how guys look like in ofuro. Heard my fren said guys’ closest brothers can stand up easily one even when in ofuro. Geee… Is it true?

  35. hmmm,

    10 minit kira lambat.

    Pagi-pagi waktu bujang kalau lambat bangun lagi cepat mandi.

    Duduk bawah shower, tangan kanan gosok gigi, tangan kiri sabun badan + kencing.

    Habis kencing + habis gosok gigi serentak kira habis mandi.

    Mana ada orang kencing boleh sampai 1 minit.

    cepat eh??

  36. michaelooi says:

    wajamie – not much hair ? wait till you see my friend desmo’s chest … and he ain’t a real man yet.

    fish fish – it depends. if I were to be in an ofuro with someone like … Ayumi Kawashima (a famous porn star), not only it would ‘stand up’. It’s gonna jump bebeh. But if I’m in an ofuro with someone like … say… an 80 years old granny… god … my weeny’s gonna pass out.

    apomputeh (short form) – masa untuk kencing mengalir dari pundi ke orifis kepala kombat I … mengambil masa yang lama kerana burung saya panjang (omputeh jeles).

  37. cyber-red says:

    mike: just admit it la..your fear factor is the BATHTUB * tink tink tink tink* *Psycho soundtrack played in the background*

    eh bathtub can be a veryyy seductive area ah…and not inclu. nekkid jap women with the package..=P

  38. MrsT says:

    Fish fish..!! you are so funny..!!

  39. michaelooi says:

    cyber-red – my fear factor is the bathtub ? yeah, when it comes to cleaning it. can be scary … i hate cleaning bathtubs … ughh

  40. trace says:

    well, dude i’m glad you were very detailed bout our showering…coz its true, i don’t see any reason to stay a bit longer. in my case i can throw in a shave as well..but i’ll need a minute more coz i have long hair but then all in all the other guys who stay in the shower any longer, now we all can imagine what they are doing? well, i will if there is a chick with me, then i’ll probably have sex.. and if there’s a bath tub and a chick i’ll still have sex…

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