how to piss your favorite asshole…
I’m very sure everyone have their own share of hatred towards the triads of assholes in their workplace… that seems to be inexplicably growing in number.
Be it the blimp that has the fowlest of putrid body odor, or the pesky little bitch with fake English accent and a bad case of halitosis, these are the people that induces stress in our life … that makes us unhappy … and was the true root of all our predicament(s).
Ok, then ask yourself, are you gonna let them continue to sink their sordid influences in your life ? And do nothing about it ? No fucking way ! But, what can you do ? You can’t kill them for sure, it’s gonna be messy. Can’t beat them up, might lose your job. Can’t scold them too - for it’s gonna paint yourself as an immoral creature in the office …
Well, then, worry not. Here’s what you can do, sabotage their PC. I’m very sure the following professional advices would make your target asshole a very busy individual for the next few hours, if not days :
Following procedures should be done in a complete stealth mode, as discreet as possible, in order not to arouse suspicion/confrontation from other assholes. Practice with discretion…
- get a big strong magnet. If possible, get those that was ripped from a hard disk drive (or a big audio speaker). Walk over to the purported asshole’s PC (when he/she’s not around). Place the magnet as close as possible to his/her monitor screen for 5 seconds. Laugh. Leave quickly.
remarks : that monitor ain’t gonna show graphics in proportion ever again.
- go to the office earlier than any asshole. Go to asshole’s cube & switch off all power to PC. Then locate the power supply (should be at the back of PC near the input socket of the power cord). Once located, look for the voltage selector switch (should be red or black in color with a printed “230V” on it). Use the tip of your pen to throw the switch into the opposite position to show “110″. Move PC back into original position. Laugh. Bail. If there’s no switch, abandon mission immediately. If could not find power supply, swallow mouse.
remarks : when asshole turns on PC, power supply will explode. Laugh again.
- trap a lizard. Tie up lizard’s hands and legs, make sure it cannot move freely. Go to asshole’s desk. Open up asshole’s PC cover (stealthily) and dump lizard into it. Close cover, laugh and leave. Can use other critters as well - mouse, bird, chicken, hyena, doesn’t matter. As long as it fits into PC.
remarks : lizard (or your pick of critter) will die from starvation. Aromatherapy ensues. Trick may not be ideal if asshole sits near your desk
- buy a tube of cheap starch glue. Go to asshole’s cubicle and empty the entire tube of glue into the crevice of asshole’s keyboard. Rid of empty glue tube to eliminate evidence. Observe asshole hitting a boner. Laugh. Glue can be replaced with other combination of viscous liquids like honey, condensed milk, semen (dries pretty quick), diarrhea discharge, chicken blood, etc.
remarks : asshole will find it difficult to use his/her keyboard.
Damn, my cough syrup is making me inebriated. Can’t think of more. *cough cough*
wow ganas ;X scary.. i sure dowan to work with you ;X
how do we piss on online arsehole like like….well…you know who!
Oh man I love your advice! You made my year!
*goes looking for magnet to piss off asshole colleague*
Ok, if you wanted a non-destructive method of screwing the asshole’s mind about computers, this would work:
If the asshole sits damn near your desk, then in the morning, unplug both his keyboard and mouse, and plug yours in his PC. Turn on his PC, open up MS Word or Notepad or something, when he started typing and clicking without any response, then you can start typing things to freak him out…
:p
Hehehehhe..!! wat about revenge on a ex-colleague..????
oh man.. this is oh-so-much-fun. we tried a few tricks on our roomates PC but she’s still happily bitching around. dude..u rawks!
auyongtc - then he-mah know the asshole is u? just kidding. it is just that your plan is not exactly foolproof.
michael - damnit, the magnet doesn’t work on lcd flatpanels! the power supply method is really good though. how’s your coughing? i have sorethroat now too, sipe tulan. well wishes to you and emily.
Wah, I love this but too bad I am a hermit. Next time, please write about how to piss fellow bloggers ya? And also those idiots who leave bad comments. I am learning a lot here but not enough yet.
Alternatively if the bugger is away. put a screensaver password. If the bugger typed a long document without saving and went for a piss, he/she will be having a surprise when the prompt comes out. heheheh.
Wow, like the lizard trick. But no PC cover wor. Flat screen wor. How about itch powder on the asshole’s chair/seat? Imagine an unimaginable itchy ass all day! *snigger*
Another thing you can do with the magnet is to place it as near as possible to the hard drive. That could really screw up the pc :).
PS : Not applicable if your target works in the same project.
Speaking of Panda, there’s this new Fiat Panda, some supermini and quoting the papers, it says: Panda is a good name suggesting something small and cuddly. Oh dearie me! I can never see the word “Panda” as “Panda” anymore.
There’s always NetBus… hehe, where you can alter the emails he’s typing or open his CD drive once every 5 minutes to freak him out… ehehe…
cool ideals, i will do trick no 1 and 2.
how to teach those people who is so bossy?she didnt use the pc to do her work…she just use her mouth……to complain to our boss……,,gossiping,……very irritating this kind of human…..i try to think how to teach those BIATCH……..but cant figure out.maybe mic can help me out…i giv u my off numb..u call and disturb her….hheheehe
but wat if the AH is the MD? jialat…
First trick, doesn’t work if the monitor has the de-gauss function if that person is smart enough to do so in the first place. Doesn’t work on LCD/TFT screens. Why don’t just bang the hardisk on any hard surface. I hear hard disk bad sector is a pain.
Second and third, possible just as long as you don’t work in MIS or you’ll end up with the clean up job.
Or you could print screen the desktop, put is as the background and delete all the icons..
wat to do if all the above fail? is there any “minor” way to piss asshole off
mike, are these tested and proven?hahahaha… =P
sorry guys, was away at the hospital the whole day. To answer a couple of common questions first
- are those trick proven ?
YES. I am both a doctor and CSI officer for computers. Seen this everyday, emulated and proven. The magnet trick works on ALL type of Cathode Ray Tube monitor. Only doesn’t work on LCD.
- how to sabotage LCD monitor ?
As magnet doesn’t work on LCD, just pour water into those vents. Make sure all powers are off.
HAHAHHAH…I was jes thinking evil tots because a colleague was gossiping about the slightest happenings in the office. How appropriate.
individual replies :
penny - you’re the first to say that. everyone likes me at work. ahaks.
wtf - hi, long time no see. come to look for trouble again ?
din - rip a harddrive magnet. They’re fucking strong.
auyong - well, your trick works. but if that asshole figured that it’s you, that’s going to be the last time you’ll be playing trick on him/her. We ain’t gonna have enough fun like that…
mrsT - punch him/her on the face ler … heheheh…
uculer - wow… you actually tried my tricks already ? that’s fast !
shanks - getting better now… and Emily’s doing great as well.
lilian - to piss a fellow blogger, I have a perfect plan. I’ll share that in forum… this is something that isn’t suitable to be shared around overtly.
alexan - alternately, just cabut plug lah. Faster.
primrose - itch powder won’t work on thick trousers like jeans. Maybe trap a few hundred ants into a paper cup… and place the cup containing ants upside down on asshole’s desk. When he/she opens it up, SURPRISE.
kevin - yeah, put magnet on HDD would corrupt the data. But if you really want to make that asshole lose his/her data, just steal the entire HDD. He’ll lose 1) data … and 2)the ability to keep new data.
elphinestone - actually, you can do that with netmeeting. But it requires a few settings on his/her PC.
wendy - remember to laugh.
humphrey - if you have her number, it shouldn’t be hard. Just register her number to all contests organized by banks … she’ll get a healthy amount of telemarketing everyday. Or alternately, pay 10 bucks to any Bangladeshi, they’ll be happy to call her everynight.
buaya69 - Aiyaa… .ALL MD’s are ASSHOLES lar. Just focus on your MD’s car … and you’re done. If you know what i mean.
southernlight - if you work in IT, then don’t sabo the PC lor … sabo something else, like the chair, phone or table …
strawroot - the suggested method won’t fail. It will only fail if you do not have the guts to do it.
k3ng - yes, these methods have been proven. I’ll see if I manage to post some pics up to proof that I’m not bullshitting.
mdmafia - hahahhh.. and now you know, my site isn’t just about bullshits. Wait, who said bullshit ?
good day
wah your pic is showing in doc’s blog…hahaha
hahaha cuz they duno what u do to the asshole ones.. mwahhaah ;X wah all these ppl here aso quite ganas ar..i like the keyboard thingy..by auyongtc! gosh that’ll be so funny ;X
Wow, now we can see Michael Ooi in action fighting trolls! Hahahah
Extra tips:
Destroying floppy disk drive.
Not sure whether ppl nowadays still using floppy drive. But most crappy ppl like bankers do.
Open up a floppy case carefully, take out the magnetic tape (the circle shape thing inside floppy case) and replace with sand paper (make sure u cut the sand paper similar to circle shape). Close the floppy case. Leave it on your victim’s desk and label it “IMPORTANT”. He/she will surely will insert the floppy to check the file, and you know what will happen.