January 12, 2005

admonition of sorts

What will happen when a girl gets knocked up?

– She’ll start to bloat. Her weight will increase exponentially in a short period of time, and in matter of months, she will attain the size of Barney the purple dinosaur, or a Bengal tiger, or whichever bigger.

– Her face will start to change. Her nose, along with the rest of her facial features, would swell up till it won’t fit a motorcycle helmet, and would petrify whoever that has the gumption to look at her.

– She will have unstable mood swings due to raging hormones. She would get finicky over small matters and would not hesitate to crash furniture on anyone’s head if she doesn’t feel appeased about anything they do. At all.

– She loses the sanity to make proper judgment. Like judging whether it is more appropriate to get the husband buy her some beef soup cooked from a homosexual cow, or, dumplings made from the game of an arctic fox.

– Her pair of tits will grow into the size that’s big enough to block an entire 34 inch television, or huge enough to choke an adult alligator. Whichever that expresses the situation more articulately.

– Her taste buds will undergo a major tilt of scale towards the bitter side, and hence, everything she eats will taste like bile. And that’s when the husband would be made responsible for her supply of dehydrated prunes, sour plums and pickles alike … to keep her content and all that.

I’m sure there are a lot more.

Scary isn’t it ? Why can’t we human just lay an egg like chickens do, and let the kid incubate inside … ? That way, the wife doesn’t have to go through such a painful period of disorderly condition, and still get to enjoy sex at the same time.

Would appreciate all help in the form of monetary gifts or practical advices.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 

31 Comments to “admonition of sorts”

  1. Jason says:

    ok..this is a little out of topic…please bear with me..I finally finish reading all michael’s post from July 2003 to January 2005…haha

    i’m 20 only..know nothing bout pregnancy or watever breast feeding…better dun give comment and put Emily or Michael into deep shit..wait for those SAHM better still..

  2. Tutu says:

    And despite all that, you know you love her still =) Very much.

  3. Edrei says:

    And would always do anything to make sure she and your child is as comfortable as possible…:)

  4. Buaya69 says:

    the +ve part? bigger breasts! enjoy them b4 the baby monopolises them…. ;)

  5. iblogme says:

    Won’t be giving you any advice. You’re bound to be hearing A LOT of them from everyone during this period. Some conflicting ones, some confusing ones and some illogical ones. Just go with the flow. *grins*

  6. shanks says:

    i haven’t knocked up anyone yet, but i do know that you have to buy more pillows cause she will be using yours soon. then u’ll be left with nothing but that huge bear which only takes up space (or perhaps emily will be the one kicking it out of bed?)

    ur wife is only four weeks into her pregnancy and she had shown signs of what you had described above? wah piang, sipe scary!

  7. auyongtc says:

    *scribble scribble*
    michaelooi will reincarnate as a rooster next life :p

  8. mike, thinking about it – you choosing a list of names for ya baby or not? the male and female versions.

  9. ricky says:

    Poor michael….have to endure all these things. Come to think of it, maybe next time, married couple should try test tube babies… ;)Should be less hassle…

  10. ahmog says:

    Michael,

    If youre lucky.. she would go along with “soft-banging” during pregnancy. Does wonders in the mood-swing area. It “may” boost her self-confidence level.

    If she’s the vain type.. it might be a traumatic experience to see herself “going ot of shape”. This is where you come into play.. sharing-caring-lovey-dovey stuff.

    Think of it as the “ultimate PMS”

  11. michaelooi says:

    tutu – you bet. :)

    edrei – even to the brink of tormenting myself, yeah. guys became a sadist when it comes to setting up a perfect family.

    buaya69 – i thought you’re a sexy leg guy …

    iblogme – you spoke as if you’ve experienced it before … ahaks. share lar …

    jason – Pi’s now known as Emily. You got to baca the karangan dengan penuh perhatian.

    shanks – no lar, that’s just the “fear list” i tabulate out to remind myself.

    auyongtc – a rooster gets to hook up with lots of hens everyday. it isn’t that bad.

    jasdev – not yet. it’s too early to worry about that.

    ricky – same thing lah. test tube babies are just inseminated outside the body without having sex. The mother would still need to incubate the fetus inside her womb.

    ahmog – no lar, i don’t want my kid to poke my head back when he/she grows up.

  12. oliviasy says:

    LOL. wat a coincidence! i was just asking myself why can’t babies be incubated! inseminate 1st, then put the egg into some mould oredi complete with placenta semua nutrients (since humans don’t lay eggs, guess we’ll need some sort of mould), then incubate the mould. and wahlah! sure cuts down all the pain, the bloated-ness & all the above conditions u stated :P

  13. momof2 says:

    *Ahem*… not all women go through that hell during pregnancy you know. So just sit back and relax la… she’ll do just fine.Umm… about the breast hor, if they really baloon up to the size you mentioned, they’d choke you man! kekekeke

  14. Din says:

    Monetary gifts? Post ur address or account number up lar….heheheh

  15. dave says:

    Look at the bright side, dude !

    In a couple of months time, you’ll get to see your seed transformed into a wonderful offspring. Your heart will melt like a chocolate sundae and once you get to see little junior…. you tell yourself & Emily….what the heck…lets do it all over again !!! NOT !!!

  16. Mumsgather says:

    Oh oh you forgot, her belly will soon look like hand drawn batik and areola like cup cakes. Enjoy man. Enjoy every stage and remember to accompany her for all the gynae visits :)

  17. michaelooi says:

    olivia – great minds think alike. ahaks.

    momof2 – i have witnessed such phenomenon before. my form teacher, who used to be like a 32B size, had her tits bloated into like 34DD (or something like that) …

    din – if you’re serious, email me.

    dave – from what i’ve learnt from the see lai’s and based on my meagerly sufficient general knowledge, I think I still have 8 more months to go lar … not a ‘couple of months’. ehehh.

    mumsgather – alright, i’m gonna trace the patterns up on a piece of paper, and scan it..and auction it in eBay. Natural batik design.

  18. ahmog says:

    Some women “like” being pregnant.. a majority don’t. It might have been the extra-attention & pampering that the hubby was giving.

    “Enjoy” it while it lasts. You’ll get to do some “odd” activities that you’d normally never even thought of doing.
    – Visit to the gyne
    – Attending Baby birthing classes.
    – buying baby stuff.
    – reading books about babies.
    – hanging adorable baby photos on your bedroom walls

  19. Jr. says:

    Haha, relaxLAH brother. My dad told me that my mom practically laid on the bed for the first 3 months and she had me inside her. It was a lot of hell for her. My dad even told my mom to reconsider having the baby (which is me)… But my mom said that she wants it…otherwise i won’t be able to see this world anymore

    phew!

    Pregnant woman always have a hard time…be patient

  20. k3ng says:

    isnt it all under ‘the joys of parenting’? lol hehehehe

  21. fish fish says:

    Everyone’s different. My younger brother’s wife so Guai… didn’t has all those syndromes. She ate everything. Hmmm… Heh, u want to go inside to see the baby born or not?

  22. michaelooi says:

    ahmog – thanks for reminding. *groan*

    Jr. – damn, that’s kinda like a close call for you isn’t it ?

    k3ng – joys of parenting ? reminiscing my obnoxious prepusbescent years, I don’t remember my mom having a lot of fun taking care of me… So, I kinda expected it to be … difficult.

    fish fish – Well, I don’t think I would want to witness the birth of my kid. I just do not have the stomach for it. But then, I would love to be the first to spank the baby’s ass … ahahks …

  23. fish fish says:

    You never got the chance. Kyak kyak… The doc owez got the priority. My fren told me after he watched the baby born… his one cannot ‘stand’ for a couple months. Too scary scene for him. Geeee…

  24. Chief says:

    better get her to take amino acid tablet

  25. michaelooi says:

    chief – i thought it’s frolic … i mean .. folic acid ? ?

  26. iblogme says:

    I’ve not experienced it at all, but I’ve seen what advice do to some of my friends. Don’t eat this, but eat that. Don’t do this, but do that. I hope you won’t have to suffer from information overload. Heh.

  27. lilian says:

    Michael, your list is just scratching on the surface. *muahahahaha* Plenty more for you to find out in the coming 245 weeks (assuming now 5 weeks, 35 more weeks to go).

  28. michaelooi says:

    lilian – ish … you’re scaring me already.

  29. twinsmom says:

    It is good that you at least know all this, so be more prepare, unlike some dad-to-be totally knocked out by all the things you list, like MCAP.

  30. doc says:

    My heart bleeds for you…

  31. FireAngel says:

    eh. I’m not knocked up, but I totally feel bloated. like carryign 2 month old baby. so how now.

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