January 9, 2005

the mysterious itch

I was standing in front of the hospital dispensary (processing Emily’s discharge)… behind me, were droves of people waiting to collect their prescriptions.

Was talking to one of the nurses inside, when suddenly, I felt an itch. Well, not just simply any itch, but, sort of, an embarrassing one – an itch at the posterior department. It’s not on my arse cheek, else I would have scratched it off without sweat. But it’s right in the deeper region of my buttcrack, almost near the anus. Oooofff…

The urge to shove in my hand to scratch that spot was almost unbearable, but I had to restrain myself from doing that… as it would be too difficult to scratch my buttcrack in front of like… 50 people.

I was left with no choice but to finish up whatever I was doing pronto, and get the hell out to somewhere private to surreptitiously rectify that itch.

So, back to that nurse, I was planning to let her (if not, ‘guide’ her) finish up her whatever verbal prescription a.s.a.p, grab the medicine and bail. But the nurse that I was talking to, didn’t just give verbal prescriptions… but the type who would go the extra mile to impress people by acting proactively benign like that.

Like
“Oh, you’re her husband. That’s very nice of you… bla bla bla” – wasted 10 seconds. Itchy itchy.

“I wonder if she took her medicine this morning… hmmm…” [picks up phone and intercom the ward nurse to find out] – wasted a whole goddamn minute. ITCHHHHHHHHHHHYYY.

“You know, I talk to plants when I’m free and sometimes, I even talk to my own bladder and other patients’ clinical waste” – I made this up.

But you get the idea. Everything she did seem to be so wrong. My itch by then had escalated to the level where I felt as if my ass was raided by a thousand mosquitoes or something. I could not register any instructions from the nurse and there were cold sweats trickling down from my temple. All I could ever think was to scratch, scratch and scratch.

She wanted to explain further, but I stopped her by asking
“Well then, is it all stated on the medicine label? If yes, then that should be fine”.

But then, I underestimated that hag. Whatever her evil plan was, she was sure very obstinate in her course. It took a whole 5 minutes or so before she concluded her tirade of inanity (trust me, everything will be inane when your buttcrack is goddamn itchy like that).

Right after she gave me the medicine, I skedaddled to the nearby restroom. But on the way there, I saw an elevator door opening with nobody inside. Since I was suppose to meet up with Emily upstairs and the elevator’s empty, I figured, oh what the heck, I could scratch my ass inside since there wasn’t anyone there. So, I rushed into the elevator car instead.

As I was frantically pressing the “CLOSE” button (which always fail to work when we want the elevator door to close fast), a young couple suddenly caught on to the closing door and boarded the elevator.

My heart went “ARRGGGGHHHH !”… but externally, I was trying to hide my complications. The couple even held the door open and was discussing whether they wanted to wait for another of their members… but later, decided to go ahead up. They got out on the first floor and I was left alone, finally. Nothing could describe my euphoria at that moment… no less for the gratification of scratching a brewing itch inside my butt’s cleft…

I found my nirvana inside an elevator that day.

*that was a mysterious itch. Not an insect bite, not anything. It came, just like that… which I’m pretty sure everyone has encountered before. I think scientists should stop excavating fossils, and use the funding to research about mysterious itch instead…

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

36 Comments to “the mysterious itch”

  1. kstang says:

    Did you make sure there is no close circuit camera in the elevator b4 u start scratching? Haha.

  2. doc says:

    What you do is, grab the front and back of your underwear and start see-sawing… :D

  3. Din says:

    You should gave loosened your belt and let your hand go down thru the back with your back facing a wall. Hell, thats what I would do. Another idea is to get a pen to scratch it through your back pockets. But if you wear jeans, you may have no hope….

    Good thing it was an itch Mike; not diarrhea….

  4. michaelooi says:

    kstang – hahah! nice try dude. Apparently, I already checked on that. No cameras.

    doc – that’s even more ridiculous than scratching your ass… right?

    din – I’m wearing a bermuda ler … which, is kinda easy to slip my hands in to scratch. But when you have so many aunties and uncles and housewives behind you … trust me, you wouldn’t want to do that.

  5. kstang says:

    Many years back, there was this lady teacher in her late thirties teaching in my class. I was in secondary school that time. She walked over to my classmate who was sitting next to me started rubbing her crotch area againsts his desk as she was teaching. You know the wooden desks we used in school? She didnt realise what she was doing then. My desk was also shaking because mine was next to his…. both of us had to try so hard not to laugh at her antics !

  6. lilian says:

    You got cacing or not? Listen to the good doc and ask him to prescribe ubat cacing.

  7. elisla says:

    HAHAHAHA!!! LOL

    Came here via BE. Will return again.

    Excellent blog.

  8. ricky says:

    So, after the nirvana, did you wash your hands ??? :D Or just continue to hold emily’s hand…. ;P

  9. Andy says:

    XD That was itchily insane! You know Murphy’s Law right? Everything that could go wrong WILL go wrong… :P

  10. fish fish says:

    Such a nice blog. Both the text and the photos. Should hv come up here earlier. Kekeke… but still not late.

  11. Jase says:

    Sometimes I do have an itch on the crotch. So, basically I have to lie down on the chair, swept in deeper into the cubicle and SCRATCH! Ah… a total nirvana like what you have said…

  12. surfnux says:

    That itch was unbearable especially when we are in public. I have experienced that too while I am walking around the mall. And when I am reading this blog, I can feel the slight itch on the same location. hohohohoho

  13. michaelooi says:

    kstang – you guys should have lend her a metal ruler instead… but make sure you wash it after use.

    lilian – well, the last time i had the ubat cacing was many years ago. if i have cacing, that’ll be an advantage when i go fishing…

    elisla – you will be welcomed anytime.

    ricky – no i didn’t. i smeared it on the elevator buttons. don’t press the elevator next time. hit the stairs.

    mrsT – shesheshe !!

    andy – murphy ? the dude that became Robocop ?

    fish fish – if you think the blog’s nice, wait till you see the blog owner. simply… out of this world.

    jase – oh, i always wanted to do that… but certain part of my body is simply too long. Can’t fit under the desk. ehehh.

    surfnux – it’s contagious alright. it’s quite easy if you’re inside a mall. just lean yourself against a wall, then scratch. Nobody would notice. (people would only ogle at scantily dressed girls, nothing else)

  14. strawroot says:

    geez thts horrifying.. i was making some calls to collect debts and reading yr blog :( i burst out laffing instead of trying to be fierce

  15. michaelooi says:

    strawroot – why you’re always making calls while reading my blog ? it’s dangerous you know …

  16. ShaolinTiger says:

    AHhahahahaha dude i’ve had that so many times before, it’s infuriating…

    Have to sneak off to some quiet corner to finger my ass..

  17. Din says:

    Ewwwww….fingering your ass???!! ShaolinTiger, man that must get you high…..heheh

  18. Buaya69 says:

    damn… just read your post and i can feel an itch coming… so contagious one ar? look out world! we have a BIV here (Buttcrack Itch Virus).

  19. dSaint says:

    glad to read Ems ok. didn’t know till today. superb.

  20. sheez says:

    You just have to learn how to wash with water, after the bigthrow water! the itch is becoz the shit is stuck to the orifice! dirty dirty!!!!

  21. michaelooi says:

    ST – dude, I don’t finger my ass. Just scratch it vigorously like that. ehehh…

    din – you must have certain amount of gheyness to have that kind of thought … getting high and all that.

    buaya69 – yeah, imagine that, hundreds of people scratched their ass today because of my blog. It couldn’t have been more bizarre than that.

    dsaint – she’s alright now. taking a good rest at home.

    sheez – I always flush my sphincter with water each time I finish shitting. Now, how in the world you manage to find out that stale shits would cause itchy ass ? No way… unless you experienced it yourself. *wink wink* ehehehh…

  22. fish fish says:

    hahahhahha!! Cool~ I like it. Too bad, u r married.

  23. primroses says:

    Bizarre post! ROTFLOL! Your reply to fish fish is even more interesting. Hmmm… *wondering too*

  24. michaelooi says:

    fish fish – yep. too bad. see enough lor, no touching.

    primroses – aiseh man .. i won’t post my photo in my blog lar … it’s gonna get me into trouble. ahahks …

  25. ricky says:

    Michael,

    Hmm, I notice tat lot’s of ppl wan to c ur pics ler. Luckily I don’t haf a blog site.If not, I think your photos can help my site to hit the Top 10 ler… since u got so many readers…

    **psst psst** anybody want to c micheal’s photos fr primary 1 to current punya??? ;P A round of teh tarik will do….

  26. michaelooi says:

    ricky – i’m gonna burn your car if you do that. if you love your car, better think properly.

  27. primroses says:

    Ooooooooooo…interesting offer, ricky. No wonder mike puts up a new post ever so swiftly – to get all readers’ attention away. *hiaks* :p

  28. primroses says:

    Ok, ok… last comment. Promise. Upon reading your post, I knew I read somewhere about itchy butt cracks.

    So, here I am referring to one of my many Cosmos (me and my Cosmos) and the Sept (US version) issue says: It could be a sign that there’s not enough air circulating down there. Hmm, what kind of undies you’re wearing? Cotton? Poly? Spandex?

    And it says: These are swollen veins in the anus. That clears it. Nothing to do with leftover poop then.

    And it says: Hemorrhoids. Ooo, more poop story.

  29. Din says:

    Ricky,

    Maybe you can post Mike’s pic ala the censored type. You, how they censor criminal’s eyes in the papers – just 1 black rectangle. I think that would be ok, huh Mike? Heheheheh

  30. ricky says:

    Hahahaha, sorry guys, I still loves my car. So, guess I will haf to listen to michael’s offer. :D Don’t worry, he’s the one, tat girl would die for to haf as a bf / husband.. ;)

  31. michaelooi says:

    primroses – i wear a cotton. ahaks. and no i don’t have piles – the last time i checked

    din – i shouldn’t have best guessed that you’re ghey.

    ricky – that’s very wise indeed. don’t forget still, there are approximately 200 over photos of your wedding day inside my harddrive … muahahah

  32. fish fish says:

    michaelooi: kekeke… I would rather touch a ‘monk’ than a married guy, dun want to burn my fingers. ;)

    ricky: is michael the Tony Leong or Richard Gere type? If yes, I would pay RM50 for one pic. How tat sound? Kekeke…

  33. michaelooi says:

    fish fish – pay me, and i’ll mail it to you myself.

  34. fish fish says:

    Kekeke… u sure I won’t be dissapointed?

  35. michaelooi says:

    fish fish – I don’t know. But if you intend to find out, pay lor… ahaks.

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