Archive for January, 2005

January 31, 2005

keywords II

You guys won’t believe what those sick people out there typed in the search engine… and ended up in my blog. (this is the second part of the first)

1) durian smell gas – My best guess is this idiot actually smelled something kinky when his pet dog let out a sneak cheek (who says animals don’t fart ?) out of some imbalanced leftover diet, and came searching in the net about what has he been whiffing… if there’s any side effect on him… and whatever shitty information he could obtain from the net.

2) Tat Seng slippers – When Tat Seng started his merchandise of Japanese rubber soled slippers/sandals many years ago, he wouldn’t have thought that some clueless dork might be typing his trademark name into the search engine… and ended up in this rated 62% evil blog.

3) baboon pic – To check if there are any photos of his/her distant relatives accidentally posted on the net. Or perhaps somebody managed to make the info searcher believe that Baboon is the name of a hot porn star?

4) “one night stand”+penang – Searching for one-night-stand on the net? What the fuck was this guy thinking? Duuuude… you don’t search for one-night-stands on the NET. You search them in clubs, pubs and discos

5) sex rambang – You’re confusing the search engine, dumbfuck. Sex is spelled as “seks” in Malay. Dah la bodoh, nak layar laman seks pulak, perabih beras nih

6) Bangla fuck – Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone but, do you have an idea how bad smelling a Bangla is? I couldn’t imagine why would anyone interested in having sex with a Bangla. Why not consider a sewer pipe? Either you fuck the pipe, or the pipe lubes your ass… doesn’t matter.

7) photos naked housewives – You stupid pervert. Some housewives have high amount of cellulite that outweights a whale’s lard… and those are known to be comatose inducing. Might as well kill yourself by stabbing a knife into your eye socket repeatedly.

8) sweaty girl armpit picture – some really sick people out there who had a fetish for sweaty armpits. Girls, don’t be wearing any sleeveless late at night. Or at least patch them up with a duct tape or something… should you need to wear one.

9) granny sex – lo and behold ! Who would have thought that there are still somebody out there that are seeking information regarding copulation with a geriatric ?

10) picture tit blade cut scream blood torture – this is getting insane. There’s a sadomasochistic serial killer in the prowl out there ! and he has been to my blog ! *scream*

You sick people out there… stay away from me and my blog.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 59 Comments

the guardian of peace

I was walking along the shoplots in Carrefour heading towards the bakery to buy a piece of bread, when a fatass jerk in red collared fluorescent blue shirt approached me. His appearance irked me even though he has not start talking to me yet … because nobody fucking wears a RED COLLARED FLUORESCENT BLUE SHIRT. It disrupts the world peace. I got even more pissed off when I realized that he had a couple dozens of ripened hickeys on his face and he fucking stood too near to where I was … (his hickeys disrupt world peace too, so I wasn’t really pleased with that…)

“What the fuck do you want asshole ??” I yelled at him.
“Oh no sir, I’m from [INSERT BANK NAME] and I would like to promote our credit card and …”

That was it, he wore a red collared fluorescent blue shirt, had ripened hickeys, called me a sir (should’ve called me “brother”) and promoted his stupid credit card without my consent. Now… if that person is not a terrorist (that disrupts world peace), then please fucking tell me, what else could he be.

I punched him in the face before he managed to finish that sentence and blood spurted out from his nostrils … soaking his blue shirt red. (Which was kinda cool because it flushed with the color of his color after that..). He wailed like a pussy and was uttering something unintelligible. Something like “Uwegghhh weegghh uwegghh”.

I mistaken what he said as “Biff me up more” and I continued to pummel him. I kicked him in the ribs, chest, head… and I think I even crashed something on top of him…. a wooden chair or a table, I forgot.

That was when, one of his hag colleagues came yelling me to stop whatever I was doing and tried to help that pussy up on his feet. But that fatass pussy was too heavy for her and she fell to the ground… partially exposing her gross yellow stained while cotton thong to the public. Ewwwhhh … and someone from the crowd spat at her for being such an unhygienic sleaze.

She got up and started bitching about me beating up her pussy colleague … “How could you do this to him !!? Bitch bitch bitch…police.. bitch bitch… arrest..bitch bitch bitch !!!”. It was annoying. I stood there for approximately 3 seconds and was starting to get agitated again. Her bitching was certainly disrupting the world peace … and I couldn’t stand for not doing something about it. I procrastinated no more, and jammed a piece of the broken furniture (that was used to crash on pussy earlier) into her stinking mouth, breaking her set of bucktooth and knocked her out cold.

With pussy lying there unconscious and bitch passed out, it was all peaceful again. And I continued my way to buy me a piece of bread…

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 17 Comments
January 30, 2005

heavy

A conversation with DrLiew in ICQ …

me : “i am heavier than most people of my size … ”

doc : “big bone, hahaha”

me : “is there really such a thing as heavier bone mass ?”

doc : “yes… we call it ‘built'”

me : “hmmm .. ok … i thought that’s just something being made up. coz i may just have bigger organs than anyone else … you know .,.. bigger lungs … bigger kidneys … bigger bladder … bigger dick … which contributes to my weight …”

doc : “LOL . big testicles”

me : “yeah yeah … and probably bigger biceps and you know … brain mass … ”

doc : “hahahaha”

Bigger ‘built’… hmmm … me thinks it’s my schlong.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 16 Comments
January 28, 2005

mock a gork

Went to our departmental dinner today. It was a barbecue dinner and I was enjoying myself barbecuing and cracking jokes with my colleagues… when one of the managers suddenly came over and abruptly interrupted my conversation :

“Mike, that’s your favorite food… right ? right ? right ? heheh…” while zealously pointing at one of the seafood on the barbecue stove.

I looked back at him with an emotionless expression. I just did not know how I wanted to respond to that blatant act of ingratiation. I don’t dig people boot licking me for any reason… and I so wanted to tell him to sod off… but that would make me sound so blunt and shallow. After a couple more of microseconds, I managed to work out an alternate respond which resulted pretty much the same way I wanted :

“Fuck no ! My favorite food is something that walks on 2 legs, long hair, big rack and with an awesome ass you dolt! Hahhhhaaaa !” I was gesticulating myself porking in doggy style while saying that… and the whole table turned to laugh at his face. And sure enough, he immediately went back to his table to hoover his cold leftovers. I would have added in a couple more of derogatory mocks if he didn’t leave us alone soon enough.

Don’t you hate it when someone shove into your conversation halfway to utter something of least importance? For fuck’s sake, what did those people actually learn in school? How to be an annoying asshole ?

Sheessh

michaelooi  | rantings  | 33 Comments
January 27, 2005

valentines day 2005

*girls, this is a “guy post”. Keep out.

The international “Rip-Off-a-Bloke” day is gonna be here again. 14th February, where simple gift items like chocolates, flowers and flamboyantly designed nylon soft toys would be tagged at a ridiculously dear price. Some people would refer this day as Valentines Day, but I would digress on recognizing it as the day to celebrate our love … because like I’ve said before, love should be celebrated everyday, not only on 14th February.

But, hell, since it’s already a tradition, there’s no way our girls are gonna let us go off the hook that easily. You can’t just expect them to dig some shallow verbal excuses and call off their once-a-year chance to pillage you. Bite the reality guys, and wake up. Might as well play along, wisely.

So, what should you get for your love on this coming “Rip-Off-a-Bloke” day ? Certainly not flowers or music boxes… that would be so cheap, cliché and so “last century” – a choice only ideal for those stereotypical dullards full of ripened zits with braces, and with no whatsoever other clues to impress their girlfriends. Certainly not to dine at the most popular restaurant in town … because you’ll always end up waiting for a few frustrating hours … along with a few hundreds of other pissed off couples in the same restaurant – who are also striving hard to put up some smilies in pretense of being in a jovial mood. (it’s a torture, we all know that).

Well then, why follow the crowd ? You can always try something out of the conventional ways … Do something special. If you haven’t got a clue what to do yet, worry not. For I, the wise and friendly one, have some suggestions for you.

Just…, before I go ahead with my tips, you’ll need to keep in mind that – Nothing’s free on Valentines Day. Unless you’re a total jerk and stingy beyond recognition, it is very likely that you’ll have to spend a large sum of money on that day. The key idea is to make good use of that spending. You ain’t paying for something which would bring no benefit to your own self … so, the tips I’m sharing here is basically to take care of that amenity

Alright, If you’ve not already read it, you may want to try the method I’ve previously suggested (last year)… or you may just contemplate some of these newer tips … (they’re all better than those stupid flowers and music boxes anyway)

Theme : Romantic
Stars can be awfully romantic at times. I don’t fucking know why but, girls seems to have an uncanny attraction to those floating hot burning gases in the vacuum space out there … and would often link it to romanticism and expensive wines. (damn, and why wouldn’t they consider a gas stove instead … it’s much nearer and can use it to cook something for us guys as well…)

Procedure :
Forget about the expensive wine and focus on the stars (they’re free for viewing). Buy a telescope or a binocular (as a gift). Settle down on a beach at night or at your apartment’s attic. Use the binocular/telescope to surf the night sky. Explain position of stars. Don’t have to know much about astrology… just some bullshitting will do. Eg : “Ooh.. that star is the Northern Light of The Hyena. It is named as such because it’s gas mass actually looked like a hyena’s head under high powered telescope …” [touch her hand and smile]

Pros: Post Valentines Day, can still use the telescope/binocular to spy your neighbor’s daughter opposite your apartment block.

Cons: If it rains that night, you’re screwed.

Theme : Cheeky/Naughty/Lusty/Humsup
There may be some of you out there that already have a strong and stable relationship … and prefer not to waste too much unnecessary effort in celebrating Valentines Day. Well then, just dive straight to the point — have sex.

Procedure :
Prior action, go get some DVD porn. Preferably, soft porn. Then, purchase a set of ultra sexy lingerie. If too chicken to buy it on your own, get your female colleague’s help. Never ask your mom or sister. Go back to your apartment … ask girlfriend to put on lingerie, and watch porn together. Have lots of sex.

*you may add more creativity by inviting some strippers or stray animals to join in. Or add in some equipments like whips, high voltage crocodile clips, hot waxes, crowbars, cattle prods, jaws of life … you get the idea. (you may buy anything except dildo/butt plugs. Buying a dildo/butt plug for your girl is a big mistake. It means you lack of self confidence. If you mistakenly bought it, get a refund. If you fail to get a refund, insert dildo/butt plug into your own rectum. Or kill yourself. Whichever appropriate.)

Pros: Low cost, high gain. DVD porn can be kept for future revision.

Cons: If your girl’s menstruating, you’re screwed.

Theme : Practical
If you have an adventurous/madcap girlfriend, then being romantic and humsup will not work on her. She needs something more exciting like an unforgettable adventure on that special night itself.

Procedure :
Buy a stun gun. Give it to your girl as Valentines Day gift. Drive around for a “stun adventure”. Eg:
– scour around the neighborhood, stun up your neighbors’ annoying dogs. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around the house, stun up some roaches and pests. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around the town, look for sex maniacs/flashers. Stun them up for good. Snap some photos for memory. Laugh.
– scour around night spots. Look for stinking Ah Bengs. (make sure he’s alone). ZZZAPP. Laugh.

Pros: Your girl’s going to love that stun gun. Good self defense tool, you’ll never get to worry about her in danger.

Cons: Madcap girlfriend may potentially use that stun gun on you in future relationship quarrels/brawls.

May the force be with you, my friends.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 36 Comments