Archive for 2004

December 16, 2004

miss panda

My colleague Wilson hired a female engineer a few months ago. It kinda got everyone excited to meet her, since we don’t have much female subordinates around.

Touted as a straight A scorer in all her academic records, she sorta gave everyone an impression that she’s a young, vibrant, intelligent and a good looking prodigy that would be the envy of all. (I am picturing her to look like Joey Yung or something like that.)

Why good looking ? Because my colleague Wilson is a well known finicky bloke… so, that girl must have possessed at least some level of attraction that made him hire her. Great.

Knowing our keen interest in his new female engineer, Wilson actually made us a favor. He arranged for her to train up in my lab for a couple of days – so that we can get to know her ‘better’. Nice.

Then came the first day, and I heard a faint knock on my lab door. The anticipation of meeting such a bimbo talented lady was so unbearable .. that I had to caper longer steps towards the lab door to open it for that new colleague.

*door sways open*

A silhouette of something resembled a bipedal primate with very thick neck.

*pause*

“Who are you ?”
“I am Panda… Wilson new engineer.”

Great. She speaks like someone from China.

“You’re… the new engineer?”
“Yes I am”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. See the endangered bear’s name up there ? I named her that for a reason – that she’s as frigging hideous as a Panda.
You know, dark rim around the eyes, slanted sloppy sad look, a nose that resembled a pig snout, a face as big as her own caboose … I was so fucking disappointed.

“What do you want ?”

I suddenly lost all memories about her coming down to my lab for training ….

“I… errr… come here for training ?..”
“Oh… yes.. yeah .. right. Come in.”

That was when the nightmare began. She’s an engineer… that didn’t even know what a harddisk was ….

As a result of that, I had to spend the whole day explaining to her how a computer works and what her job function was. She’s just anything but intelligent.

Don’t believe me? Alright… yesterday, she came in to ask me what type of screwdriver she should buy to dismantle a computer…

“Michael .. I need to see you screwdriver. I need to buy one”
“See my screwdriver? That ain’t gonna work. Here, take some screws… match them up”
“How aa ?”
“Just try to fit one of the screws on the screwdriver. If it fits, that will be the screwdriver you want to buy”
“Oh….”

And she proceeded to use a dummy screwdriver to poke at the bunch of screws on her palms… apparently, she was trying to “match” them up. Because the screwdriver has a magnetic tip, the screws kinda jumbled up at the tip. She then looked at me in an alarmed manner …

“Cannot match …”
“Noooooo.. you have to hold that screw with your hand. Then only you fit it to the tip of the screwdriver…”
“Oh…”

As if it was still not bad enough, she asked a killer question

“Where can I buy a screwdriver ?”
“What?? You don’t know where to buy a screwdriver??”
“Supermarket ok or not ?”
“Just go to a hardware shop.”
“……” [blank look]
“You know what’s a hardware shop?”
“……” [blank look]
“The one that sells locks? Hammers? Paints and shits like that ?”
“Yah I know I know ! .. thanks Michael” [and she left]

And she’s suppose to be that “young, vibrant, intelligent and a good looking prodigy that would be the envy of all”. Oh, we were ssssso wronggggggg.

michaelooi  | characters  | 22 Comments
December 15, 2004

religious bigots

Hey, what’s the problem with those religious dolts out there? What’s the problem with them and their concern about celebrating Christmas the proper way? Since when embracing Christianity is a prerequisite to celebrate Christmas?

“~~ohhh ~~only Christians celebrate Christmas …. hymn inside a church… not partying inside pubs~~~bla bla bla~~”

Oh fuck, I so goddamn hate these people. They remind me of my religious bigot cousin… who has nothing better to do, but think of some ridiculous argument to gain attention. Well, religious my ass. Christmas is a festivity… not a religion mob meeting.

My bigot cousin, is the type who would pretentiously hold a book in front of the elders, so that they would give her a pat for being such a diligently studious cunt… and as a result of that, they’ll always use me as the negative comparison.

“~~ohhh unlike Michael, she’s more hardworking and diligent~~~~”

PTUUIIIIII !!

And every weekend, this motherfucking religious bigot would go to church to sing hymns to her so called God… pray for peace on Earth … and shits like that. But when she gets home, she’ll need her 70 over year old grandma to wash her stinking socks, do her fetid laundries, cook her fucking meals and make up her lice infested bed. What the fuck !

That’s not all. Each time the year approaches its end (Christmas included), her grandma (my grandma too) would have to clean up the entire house in preparation for the impending festivities (Christmas, CNY)…. and all she ever knew was to hold her stupid book and act drama queen. I didn’t know about this until one day, my grandma called me up to ask me help her clean a frame of windows which was too high for her to reach (that bigot lives in a big ass bungalow).

I was so fuming mad. I felt like yelling at her – “What does your religion teaches you ?? How to make use of old people to work for you ?? What’s the use of singing those shitty songs if you don’t even know how to judge between right versus wrong ?”. Goddamn.

If you’re asking why I didn’t do something about it … you bet .. I did. I actually complained to my aunts about it … and guess what, they just shrugged it off and said “She needs to study maa … and doesn’t really know how to do household chores maa …”

Because I didn’t act like those religious freaks, I was always made the black sheep of the family. There is no love for the rebellious me. I always get reprimanded severely for small mistakes… like pummelling up some kid in my class. Alright, maybe that’s not a small mistake… just, the point is, they would always find fault with me.

And these, my friends, are the kind of people who wouldn’t stop bitching about them reuniting with their God. The so called “people who have found the enlightenment” or whatever shit that is. Yeah right. Please, get yourself a life.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 29 Comments
December 14, 2004

naming a place

*this is what happened when 2 guys with poor knowledge of “sejarah” get together… happened last Saturday..

As Lorraine rolled into the street of Melaka, Ronnie quipped to me :

“Parameswara dude. You remember that name?”
“Yeah, the guy who founded Melaka”
“Pada suatu hari… Parameswara makan pisang. hahah ! kanneh !”

[I made the pisang part out, I actually forgot what Ronnie said]

“He named it after the tree which he was resting under…” – I told Ronnie.
“Melaka tree huh ?”
“Yep, a Melaka tree. Damn stupid I tell you”
“No doubt a very ridiculous way to name a place”
“I wonder if it would still be Melaka if he happened to sit beside a big cactus plant instead…”
“Hahah… no, the state would be named as Kaktus”
“Hahahah… no shit…”
“Selamat Datang ke Kaktus !”

And we proceeded to purge our tears and phlegm laughing out loud… nearly blacked out.

Come to think of it, if a person names a place after the object he sits under, there could be many unimaginable consequences…

Under a durian tree = Negeri Durian
Under a lamp post = Negeri Tiang Lampu
Under a skirt = Negeri Seluar Dalam / Apom Bulu

Aren’t we lucky that there weren’t so many variety of objects back then?

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments
December 13, 2004

moolah sucker

*this is for the guys – here’s a situation for you to ponder and learn, in case you ever get into such predicament, you’ll know what to do. Girls, you are prohibited from reading this post. If you ever attempt to read this post, nothing will happen to you.

Imagine… you have a girlfriend. Not very good looking, just meagerly adequate. She doesn’t have big boobs either, nor does she have a great body. She’s just plain slim and that’s all.

Slim… because she only eats 1 meal everyday. As a result of that, she has gastric problems. And each time her gastric strikes, she’s gonna give you a hard time. Yell at you, make your life miserable… that type of shit.

Alright, then, she has this very ‘expensive’ hobby too. She would often survey stacks of fashion magazines and record down some of the most “yeah” designer clothes she favors… and then will attempt to scour for matches at local boutiques. And her pay is not even enough to sustain her own shopping habit.

That’s where the problem lies. She needs you to sustain her wanton ways… you know, to pay for her designer clothes, her jewelries, her car, her family, et cetera. So that she gets to flaunt it in front of her retarded friends… and also show off her slim figure. Not that you’re rich or anything but, she’s FRIGGING EXPENSIVE.

If you ever fail to fulfill her requirements, you’re gonna have to wank inside the toilet yourself. She’s gonna refuse you sex. And she’s not gonna answer your calls or accept any persuasion… until you get her something even MORE EXPENSIVE in return. You get the idea.

So, if you were to have this kind of girlfriend, what would you do ?

A) Do nothing about it and life goes on.
B) Dump the bitch.
C) Slap the bitch and then dump her.
D) Slap the bitch, dump her and slap her again.

If you chose any answer other than D, you’re a real screwed up wimp. You ought to be born a transvestite or some invertebrates. You’re just anything but a real man.

Obviously, a real man would choose option D. Why? Here’s why …

The first slap, is to grab her attention. (girls like this would yell non stop during an argument and it’s impossible to get her to listen to anything). Then you dump her.

“I am dumping you, bitch. I hope you’ll go bankrupt for shopping too much and have an everlasting marriage to a piece of dildo”

Followed by another slap (a few more slaps if necessary). This is to ensure she gets the message and never try to bother you again. If she ever attempts to retaliate with force or anything, just knock her out with a crowbar or anything huge (television, medium sized furniture, should work just fine) and bail. Make sure you change your phone number and dig back all your credit cards from her purse. And your life should boot back to it’s normal path.

Another community message brought to you by Michaelooi dot net.

*have a friend who was stuck to this type of parasite. His life is screwed and is forever in peril, unless he does something about it – which to my reckoning, isn’t going to happen. May the god bless his soul.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 26 Comments
December 9, 2004

the magic of Christmas

My office is now full of Christmas trees. From where I currently stand, I can see like 2 – 3 of them. With blinking lights and ornaments around them. Then there are 2 particular ‘special’ Christmas trees, that are white in color. No not because of those artificial snow, but they’re really white all over. The leaves, twigs and trunk… all white.

I don’t know why they’re white – for all I know, leaves are suppose to be green… due to the chlorophyll stuff for a plant to create its own food. I’ve never seen a tree with white colored leaves before, not even those artificial ones. Maybe it’s part of the cost saving initiatives that have been going on lately – which they could have combined the snowman with the tree – and that’s how we got a white Christmas tree ! How smart

One of the 2 trees, even came with an electronic buzzer that emits monophonic melody. ‘Silent Night’ tune. It is quite nice, I must admit, sort of remind us employees that Christmas is coming. I guess they’re just worried that somebody might miss out Christmas or something. How very thoughtful of them.

So, we have this music tree with its melody reverberating across half the office floor, which can be heard clearly from my cube. It is being played non-stop, you know, like a ring that never ends. It sort of put everyone in a jovial holiday mood and foment the love/peace in our soul… when we’re constantly being reminded that Christmas is round the corner.

It takes very little effort for me to stand up and look around, and witness the difference the tree has caused. Everyone’s talking to each other… and the environment is livelier than usual. In any normal days, my co-workers would usually glue themselves in front of their computer screen, being busy about mindless paperwork and deluged in corporate bureaucracy. The noise that I usually hear are keyboards clacking and phone calls. But not today. Today, I hear people chatting, people missing laughing and a lot of positive comments about the warmth of the environment. Just like this :

“Goddam ! Why can’t they shut the goddamn thing off ? ?” – Michael Ooi

or

“Silent Night my ass… this is so fucking noisy !”. – Michael Ooi

Wait, that’s me hymning. No, I meant this :

“Leh mar leh …. lim peh sio kong ha mi lang eh handphone tan …” – Pirate
[translated as – “Nice melody”]

“Kau giak luan ah !!!” – Unknown voice from one of the cubes
[translated as – “Awesome melody”]

Who would have thought, that a simple white colored tree with rambunctious pastoral melody could ramify love of such magnitude across the office floor… This must be the magic of Christmas.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 13 Comments