Archive for 2004

August 28, 2004

in the middle of everything

Last week, one of the managers in my department organized an event for the Customer Service team to visit my lab. To understand more about the corporate operations – he said. Those Customer Service visitors encompassed both old and young executives… and their entourage was divided into 4 batches of visits – on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively.

Well, of course I’m kinda disturbed with the fact that my lab will be harboring visitors with us engineers inside looking like a bunch of stinking zoo animals. Oh wait a minute, maybe worse than zoo animals… because the zoo animals do not have to fucking brief the visitors. Yes, that’s right, I was required to walk those zoo visitors through about the operations of our zoo lab.

Now you don’t see an orang utan (inside a zoo) come near from its cage to introduce itself and sort of explain what it does everyday… do you ?

“Hi, my name is Atan. I am one of the resident orang utan in this zoo. Basically, I am responsible to brief you guys about what we actually do here. Well, see that other ape there? That is LilianToo. etc etc etc… ”

No they don’t do that. They only need to look cool, sleep and eat the whole day. Me? I have to brief those bunch of young executives again and again for 4 freaking times. But I had a plan. I would make use of my fast speaking skills to quickly finish them off… and dismiss the troop to some other places. Hell yeah I did that alright… but for only the first 2 group.

The 3rd group? Was a bunch of super sweet and cute looking young execs. OMFG. I was so stunned when I realized that there were at least 1/2 dozen of pretty young things staring at me when I was about to start my briefing. I started to sweat like mad and my speech stuttered. My eyes were disoriented (coz I don’t know where to look) and suddenly, I passed out.

Then somebody shouted for emergency and one of the sweetest looking girls mounted up on me to give me a pump on my chest. She thought I was having a heart attack or something. Oh that was so embarrassing. But when the pumping action didn’t work, she resorted to the advanced method – mouth to mouth resuscitation (my favorite).

She took off her jacket to reveal her sleeveless blouse (no armpit hair – passed), and started to press her mouth against mine. And she blew a strawberry scented breath into my lungs — oh it was so beautiful. And that… my friends, revived me from my blackout and I reacted by groping her tits accompanied with a squeal. I thought I was in trouble but she said it was ok because she knew it was an accident.

Then there was this moment of silence. Everyone was frozen and so was I… as if time had stopped itself. That was when I realized, I was in the middle of an explanation for a question and I stopped to daydream about the kinky mouth to mouth rescue thingy. How disappointing. Damn… and how the hell could I daydream in the middle of a speech? Was that some kind of sign that my brain is getting old? I seriously think I need to go for a vacation. This is getting out of control…

PS: I managed to explain to the 3rd group in a lengthy manner, buying a lot of time to enjoy basking the company of those SYT’s…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
August 26, 2004

Prince of Wales Island

I have been living in Penang all my life – also known as “The Prince of Wales Island”, it is an island which has been dominated by the Hokkien clans of the Chinese race. Most people here speaks the Hokkien dialect. It is the colloquial communication medium in Penang… and it has been like this for almost a century (ever since the Chinese came to Malaya to mine for tin ores)

But then, the Hokkien dialect in Penang does not sound a wee bit like those originated from China. It is entirely different from the original. Why? Well, that’s because Penang’s a multi-cultural place and over the years, the Hokkien dialect has somehow evolved into something different… into almost like an entirely new language itself. Slangs and shits like that.

Just like what the Americans did to the original King’s English.

So, in conjunction with our national day, I would like to share some of the most commonly used Hokkien slang in Penang… in hope that it will promote better understanding about the unique cultural establishment here…

“kan keh”
direct translation – ‘fuck chicken’.
actual meaning – referring to someone who’s cynical and selfish, not willing to take even the slightest risk of anything.
eg: “Leh ma ler ! Ah Seng kau giak kan keh ah ..”
[translation: “Your mother ! Ah Seng is damn timid !”]

“kiong kan”
direct translation – it actually is a short form for “ki ho lang kan”, which means, ‘go get yourself fucked by someone’.
actual meaning – an exclamation that is used to vehemently protest against any disagreement or illogical statements.
eg: “Kiong kan lah ! lu sio kong lim peh be hiau si boh ??”
[translation : “Kiong kan lah ! You think you can fool me ??”]

“bak moy”
direct translation – ‘pork porridge’
actual meaning – to undergo the complete and permanent cessation of all vital functions; i.e. die
eg: “Eh ! Lu lang cai boh ? Ray Charles bak moy liao !”
[translation : “Eh ! Did you guys know ? That Ray Charles is dead !”]

“loo siao”
direct translation – ‘rub sperm’
actual meaning – to riot, to rebel, make trouble or go ballistic. Can be used as adjective, verb or noun.
eg: “That char bor, si peh loo siao, tiam tiam chueh soo …”
[translation : “That woman, damn rebellious, always look for trouble..”]

“char siao”
direct translation – ‘fried sperm’
actual meaning – to disturb or to vex someone
eg: “Mai char siao lah !”
[translation : “Don’t disturb me !”]

“kuai lan”
direct translation – ‘suave dick’
actual meaning – adjective to describe a very cheeky or obnoxious person.
eg: “That si ginna si peh kuai lan.”
[translation : “That kid is damn obnoxious.”]

“apong sin”
direct translation – ‘pancake spirit’ (pancake is also the secondary meaning for vagina)
actual meaning – a person who’s fawning over any females and willing to do anything for them.
eg: “Ah Piang kau giak apong sin. Peng eu kio chut, boh eng. Char bor kio chut, eh poey…”
[translation : “Ah Piang damn ‘pancake spirit’. When his friends ask him out, always busy. But when girls ask him out, he’ll literally fly out”]

“ciu cheng”
direct translation – ‘hand gun’
actual meaning – an adjective to describe someone that is unskillfully clumsy, delinquent and fucked up.
eg: “Si tua pui, kau giak ciu cheng. Chia pun beh hiau park.”
[translation : “That fat ass damn fucked up. Don’t even know how to park a car”]

“tu lan” (also known as T.L.)
direct translation – ‘pig’s dick’
real meaning – hatefully dislike or angry; pissed.
eg: “Kua tiok ee eh bin … pun tu lan.”
[translation : “It pissed me off even by just a glance of his face.”]

“kam lan”
direct translation – ‘to fellate’
real meaning – an expression added into questions – to denote something ridiculous or defies logical understanding.
eg: “Lu choaa lu eh bor chut lai kam lan aa ??”
[translation : “Why the hell do you bring along your wife ??”]

“loh tee”
direct translation – ‘bread’ (comes from the malay word “roti”)
real meaning – an adjective to describe a very slutty, chintzy and promiscuous female being. Highly derogatory.
eg: “Ah Piang eh chat loh si peh loh tee. Goh lui chap pek tau”
[translation : “Ah Piang’s girl is a goddamn slut. Five cents for eighteen times”]

Of course there are more. These are just the common ones and is good enough for you to understand more about Penang. It’s a beautiful place.

Related links:
Prince of Wales Island II
Prince of Wales Island III
Prince of Wales Island IV

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
August 25, 2004

my ex past-time

Back in the 90’s, being a teenager was a totally different thing from today. We had no personal computers and no porns to surf. Definitely no chat rooms, no ICQs nor any sort of messenger program. Heck, not even SMS. Cell phones back then was so fucking big that it could literally kill a dog when it was being hurled at the animal.

Imagine how boring it was, to be surrounded by 4 walls with nothing but a roll of toilet tissues. Goddamn. Being a teenager used to be like a prisoner. Overflowing hormones, menacing acnes (although I had a lot of fun squeezing them) and developing body (was kinda freaked out when I first discovered pubes growing around my dick). It was like a ballooning effect. The pressure in me was building up to the boiling point.

I was in dire need to socialize with girls. Very desperately. That was when I found just the perfect way to do that. Pen friends. Ooh yeah. There were herds of them whoring themselves on pages of magazines and newspapers, waiting to be harvested. I could not actually remember exactly when I wrote the first letter, but I can very well remember the criteria that I set for my targets –

nice name
same age
must be a girl

My first letter was a lame one. It went like this

“Hi, my name is michaelooi. My hobby is collecting stamps and reading books. I saw your name in the Find A Friend section and decided to write to you. I think you’re hot and I want to shove my …”

Ok, I made up the last sentence. I sent about 5 – 6 letters out on my first try and got only a couple of replies a few days later. Boy, words could not describe how excited I was when I received the first reply. So damn excited that I skipped my dinner to draft out a perfect reply to my new pen friend. Damn lame, I know. But considering the fact that I was in the Paleolithic age back then, it was a pretty cool hobby. Licking stamps were as fun as watching zombies explode.

Over the years, I managed to correspond with a few pen friends, most of them were hot chicks except one, who was kinda fat. But then, I could be wrong about the rest as well, because I never got to verify if they were really hot – as I did not eventually meet any of them. They could have sent me some fake pictures, I wouldn’t know.

So, do I still communicate with letters presently? Yes. Sending checks to banks, sending forms to income tax office, that sort of shits. I’ve also fully switched my mail correspondence to 100% email. Instead of receiving letters from itchy girls, I receive more mails on porn (from friends), jokes and business proposals from some motherfucking retarded African conmen.

It’s a wonder how a life can change.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
August 24, 2004

random conversation

My ICQ blinked again…

mode : “hi”

me : “hi”

mode : “what city”

me : “i’m from alabama, i screw black chicks and smoke marijuana….”

mode : “you speak arabic”

me : “i speak english, tamil and cantonese. english – how are u. tamil – ohne savadi ke porlek. cantonese – tiu nia seng. but i don’t speak arabic.”

mode : “are you visit egypt”

me : “i have never been to egypt. I heard they have mummies there. ”

The guy never replied. Maybe he’s afraid to even mention the word ‘mummies’. Coz they are cursed. And curses aren’t cool. They make your hair suffer from split ends and look less attractive.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off

IT my ass

*I think I blogged about this before…. but then, it happened again today… so, I blogged for another time..

The IT team is at it again. Goddamn motherfuckers. Hell, they’re so stupid that calling them a pig would be an insult to the pigs.

Why? Here’s why. Today, one of our lab computers was infected with a very dangerous virus, which could make our monitors explode and clog up the sewer system. The IT team, needless to say, realized that… and immediately reacted.

What did they do? Instead of cleaning up the virus, they sent out a lot of mails.

1) an email to their boss to inform him that one of our lab computers was infected with the deadly virus.
2) an email to US headquarters to alert them we have a virus here.
3) an email to my boss, that we have a virus in our lab, need to find out which.
4) an email to all the lab users, to look for the purported virus infected computer. They gave us an IP address and a network ID.

Fine. We complied and found the network point alleged to be connected to the infected computer. But by the time we did that, they have already escalated the issue to the Vice President level… and they were asking us to provide a written statement – WHY ONE OF OUR COMPUTERS WAS INFECTED WITH A VIRUS? And before we managed to even clean up the infected system, we started to receive shitloads of emails asking for an explanation for the infection.

The situation suddenly became chaotic and everyone became paranoid about ONE FUCKING COMPUTER INFECTED BY A FETID VIRUS. As if they’ve never seen a virus before. Hello???? It’s the same thing clings up inside your ass.

I mean, what the fuck was that all about?? They’re putting the blame on us end users for the virus infection. As if it was our fault. How the hell could that be?? What the fuck can we do if a virus decides to invade our PC?? We update our virus definitions daily and patches the stupid Operating System every time the moon goes full. What else did we do wrong? Ma kanneh. I really could not understand.

Then what does the spastic IT team do? Scratching their balls sending emails?? Maybe, one may lambaste me for the lack of understanding, ok fine. But shouldn’t the IT team be the one who is responsible to secure our network system?? If yes, then why are they asking my team to answer this question – WHY DID THE VIRUS INFECT OUR PC??

This is not right. Definitely not right.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off