Archive for 2004

October 29, 2004

face of the cars

Lunch with colleagues,

Me : “Dude, check out that Nissan X-trail..”

Wilson : “What about it?”

Me : “Piece of junk”

Wilson : “Couldn’t agree more..”

Me : “Its front view reminds me the face of a crab. A big, hairy, fucking crab.”

Wilson : “Hahah… yeah, it looks like a crab alright. Damn, they’re using seafood as an inspiration to design automobiles nowadays…”

I always imagine the front of a car as its face. Hard to explain but, you can just take a look at Nissan X-Trail, and it will automatically make your brain think of crabs … or some large crustacean critters at the bottom of the ocean that feeds on rotten fishes.

More examples of car ‘faces’ :

Proton Wira reminds me the face of a cat.
BMW 5 series, a nasty face of a whale shark
Volvo S80 (dubbed as the Chinese casket on 4 wheels) reminds me of some old dude with a big nose
Honda City the flowerhorn fish car (with a matching tail and shape, goddamn).
Proton Juara looks like some freaked out stick insect.
I always associate Hyundai Sonata with Rob Steward’s face, or that Wormtongue guy in Lord of The Rings.
Perodua Kancil looks like a petite underaged female student wearing a big thick glass.
Hyundai Elantra has the look of some fat teenage geek with no life.
Toyota Vios …. a face of a small annoying mongrel (Odie)
Toyota Altis …. some faggot with a baby face
Know what Gen2 reminds me of? A mime. You know what’s a mime? A mime’s a freaking clown that mimics everything you do and annoys the shit out of you.
Nissan 130Y – some Chinese professor with thick collagen filled lips.

Will update more if I think of any.

michaelooi  | automobiles  | Comments Off
October 28, 2004

boorish connection

I was walking across the big ass carpark at my workplace with Eric and Doug. Eric was beside me and Dough was slightly to the front. We just came back from a very good lunch and were talking about stuffs when suddenly, I heard a faint sound of rumble. Then, followed by a loud, low frequency bellowing howl without echo, POOOOT.

That was when I yelped

“FUCK ERIC! YOU SUCK !”

That was Eric farting. Ripped right beside me. Instead of showing some remorse for his contemptible act, he let out a snigger.

I immediately scampered to the front with Doug, as I didn’t want to wait until Eric’s foul gas reaches my nostrils. I then complained to Doug :

“Damn that immoral midget! That guy fucking farted right beside me!”

That was when I heard another BVOOOORRTT! with a slight vibration felt on the ground. It was Doug farting this time.

“HOLY SHIT DOUG!” And I bolted off from the both of them.

Then Eric replied with another fart, PFFFOOOOOOT !
Doug reciprocated with another, BRAAAAAAAPPP !

“WHAT THE FUCK !?!?!?” I shouted at them from a few meters away, which they conveniently ignored.

Doug and Eric then gave each other a pat on the shoulders for a flatulence well done, and laughed indecorously at me for being such a lame ass.

Goddamn! Aren’t old people suppose to be role models and shit??

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
October 27, 2004

trying to be frank

I’m trying to be frank to the girls here

– no, that absurd pair of shoes with thick soles do not look good on any legs. They are disgusting and make the noblest of angels look like a crack whore from the darkest of alleys.

– scarves don’t make you look good either. Any color. In fact, they always remind us guys of transgenders that are trying to hide their protruded Adam’s apple. Please, rid of them.

– thinking of showing your navel by wearing those short shirt/blouse? Only if you have a flat ab. Just wake up, nobody fancies looking at your lard.

– if you’re wearing a pair of tight rubber/lycra pants, please, don’t wear those big ass undies. Wear a thong or nothing at all.

– polka dots are only good if you’re still a kindergarten undergrad, or you have problem doing grade 1 mathematics.

– if you have muscular legs that rival T-Rex’s, please, do the guys a favor, don’t fucking wear any miniskirts. It’s going to look disastrous.

– your yellow colored sneaker won’t match any of your clothes. Throw them away, save yourself some self esteem.

– if you have small tits, don’t wear padded/oversized bras. We sense unnatural tits like our own’s. Small tits aren’t always a bad thing. But padded tits are always a turn down.

– if you’re menstruating, stay at home.

– knee high boots are only for sluts and dominatrixes. If you’re not ready to be judged as one, don’t fucking wear them.

– those artificial essence that lubes the condom have long term side effects when ingested orally. If you get my drift.

– hairy armpit sucks. Shave them, pluck them, or incinerate them, whatever. They are a major turn off and on some cases, could inflict permanent erectile dysfunction.

– if you accidentally bumps your rack at someone, you apologize. You don’t just stand there and stare as if that person have just deliberately kneaded your tits till they go purple.

– nobody gives a fuck if you wear a thong like everyone else. So, stop showing them off in public by wearing a ridiculously low cut jeans/pants.

Please, be considerate.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
October 25, 2004

parasites

Some of Emily’s weird friends.

*****

Name : Pear.
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best (and freakiest) friends. She’s an ok girl if it wasn’t for her stupidity. Looks? Well, let’s just say, she attracts weirdos more than anything else. I’ve blogged about her stupidity before, you be the judge.

History of vexation :
When I started dating Emily, Pear was the one who persistently harassed us. We couldn’t spend our time alone, because she would stalk us from behind and spy on us. I am not making this up. Sometimes, she would also scribble weird + horrible things on a piece of blank paper and slip it inside Emily’s textbook to freak her out — usually stuffs like “I’m watching you.” or sometimes “I have spiritually communicated with your dead mother, she said Michael sux”. Something like that.
For what? I wasn’t sure. I initially suspected she was homosexual and had a crush on Emily, but the theory was put to rest after she got into a relationship with a guy. (Her freakish acts is still a mystery till this day)

She is also one of Emily’s most annoying female friends. She speaks in a volume that’s hardly discernible from a mosquito hum/buzz/whatever. That usually isn’t a problem for me, until I discovered the fact that she’s also ‘phone freak’. You know what’s a ‘phone freak’? A phone freak’s a freak that loves to call people up on the phone, just to say something of least importance. Like calling up someone to ask “if she has seen a particular show on TV”. FUCK.

Alright, what has that got to do with me? I answer the phone all the time, you see, and I have hearing problems. And she speaks too softly. The result? You get a distraught guy (which is me…) slamming her up for good thinking it’s a prank call… and sometimes, yell her on the phone to speak louder. That’s how I got labeled by their sorority of bitches as “that fierce and savage husband”. Pukimak betuih ni….

– a lot more which I could not recall.

*****

Name : Ah Fah
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best friends too. She’s a little bit more intelligent than Pear, but less intelligent than a piece of rock. Looks? She looks like a normal girl next door with a rich harvest of zits.

History of vexation:
Actually, she isn’t much of a problem, until she moved here (Penang). The problem with her was, she’s a bit too dependent on others. In this case, us. How? Well, slap that question back to her – How could you move to Penang without a goddamn transport? Even school kids have their own transport. A transport in Penang is compulsory. Why? Because Penang has the worst public transport system and can’t be depended upon. As a result of that, Emily has to worry about her welfare and has to be her designated driver for following: job interviews (approximately 5 whole long days, with 2 days requiring off from work), looking for a place to rent (innumerable, because Ah Fah’s finicky about everything), shopping (a couple times with myself as the driver, and countless of times by Emily), dinners, lunches, etc etc.

What’s my problem? My wife, Emily, has to sacrifice her working time (and her leisure time) to be with her. It’s really hard for me to see my own wife being taken advantage of. Sometimes, Ah Fah’s so depending that she even calls up Emily to bring her to the fucking ATM! There’s one type of slug that has a very similar way gaining advantage of others for survival – leeches. If you don’t know what’s a leech, go find a nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush.

*****

Name : UglyHag
Profile : Is not Emily’s best friend. She’s acting as if she’s my wife’s best friend. Make no mistake, both of us don’t like her. Looks? She reminded me of a very plump piece of pancake.

History of vexation :
Talking with her is akin to talking to The Oracle in The Matrix. You know how frustrating is that – trying to act smart and condescending like that… but instead, full of bullshit. I do not know what’s her problem but I reckon that she must be thinking that she’s some kind of a saint, just because she’s a member of some Buddhist society.

She’s the type who would see a flower and cry a poem, talk to plants, animals, rocks, etc. A classic snob. When she flunked her accountancy exam, she would go around and mutilate animals. Alright, I made that up, but she did show some nasty face to us when she learned that Emily got better result than her and earned her professional certification earlier. Saint? My ass.

What’s my problem with her? I can’t stand her fallacy of goodwill. She had criticized way too much things about me and my stuffs behind my back. I don’t like her, period. I prefer knowing somebody honest, not some invertebrates like her.

*****

It’s not possible for me to list every single one of them here. It will probably corrupt the entire Blogger.com’s storage. Besides, it’s not really worth my time doing all that. My time can better be used for something more meaningful, like surfing for porns or stomping roaches.

*What triggered the angry post on 10/23 ?
Well, I had just finished washing my car when it suddenly rained on Saturday noon. Then Emily came back with Pear and Ah Fah from shopping. I was like – “what are they doing here?”. Emily told me they wanted to check out some of our photos. Alright, I didn’t give a damn about them, nothing could possibly go wrong.
But I was soooooo wrong.
Some of you intelligent ones would have guessed this – they asked me to fetch them home. After checking out some photos. Just like that. What’s my problem? I have just FUCKIGN WASHED MY BLACK COLORED CARRRRR !!!!!!! AND IT WAS RAINING OUT THERE !!!!!!!!! *tears rolling down my cheek* Is there still any justice out there ??? If yes, somebody please execute that 2 female amoebas!! ARRHHHHHHH !!!!
Aftermath : I had to re-wash my car. It was a very bad day for me.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
October 23, 2004

I AM DAMN PEK CHEK !!!!!!!

You know, one of the worst things that could ever happen to a married man is having to endure his wife’s abysmally abominable stupid female friends. I am in no exception. Emily has a lot of friends, and her closest friends are, unfortunately, among the most stupid and repugnant human beings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. They are very annoying and are the motherfuckest of all bitches that have ever spawned on Earth’s hell. I fucking hate them.

I have always wanted to spit and yell obscenities at them. But the sad thing is, I can’t do that. It will affect my relationship with Emily. Besides, I might end up in jail for manslaughter – because her romance-novel-retard friends would probably cry till dehydrated and commit suicide by swallowing overdosage of laxatives… for they’re unable to accept the humiliation.

These bitchasses would commit suicide on virtually anything, flunked exam, failed relationship, dead hamster, you name it. And I don’t want to be blamed for whatever stupid act they are going to do after yelling at them. It’s just not fucking worth it.

I guess I’ll have no choice but to endure these hardships like a man. I’ll have to fucking keep my cool each time they annoyingly vex me. I’ll have to pretend that I’m a real friendly guy, and act like I don’t mind them taking advantage of my life. I’ll have to fucking smile even when my blood’s boiling and dissipating into highly flammable gas.

UGHHHHHH ! WHAT THE FUCKKKKK HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS !?!?!?

I think I’ll have to resort to mutilating animals to balance out my predicaments.

Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off